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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found underwear from bfs ex girlfriend in my flat. Help what do I do?

279 replies

Tulip1011 · 14/06/2014 19:57

Title pretty much says it all! I'm confident the ex was years ago and now remarried. But my bf has hung on to her underwear?? Deliberately unpacked and kept at the bottom of his side of the wardrobe. My immediate reaction is to throw it. Am I right??

OP posts:
Itsfab · 15/06/2014 19:08

Even if someone else does have the same situation in that they find an exes bra in the wardrobe it doesn't mean the reason it is there is the same as the one your boyfriend has given you.

Stop snooping. If you feel insecure deal with it, don't go looking for stuff you don't want to find.

MrsCakesPremonition · 15/06/2014 19:13

I don't think it is a happy ending.
In a few weeks or months, the OP will be bored again. She'll hunt through her DP's stuff again. She'll probably find something again (he seems to be the type who keeps stuff). And the drama will be repeated. But with marginally less trust on her side and marginally less tolerance on her DPs side.
Repeat.

MostWicked · 15/06/2014 19:34

Where there is a lack of trust, there is no happy ending

Needaninsight · 15/06/2014 19:39

Personally I would just chuck them. I think your lack of trust in him is more of an issue than the underwear though!

Just as a warning, my long term ex dumped his new gf because she kept harping on about some of my stuff still being in the house (I might add we were together a long time, practically married, and split on very good terms). As he pointed out to me afterwards, wtf was it to do with her if some of my stuff was still there? She was a new gf, I'd been a part of his life for over 10 yrs. His main issue was trust and the new gf being jealous of something stupid, when she had no reason to (I'd left him and married someone else/kids etc, so hardly a thread!!)

Just to clarify, some of my stuff was still there a year after we split simply because I'd forgotten about it, and he works away a lot so just hadn't got round to sorting it out!

Needaninsight · 15/06/2014 19:40

*threat

rootypig · 15/06/2014 20:23

well done

vindicated

AmIthatSpringy · 15/06/2014 20:34

Yucky chickens?? WTAF

Sallystyle · 15/06/2014 20:45

If I found my husband had kept his ex gf's underwear I would wonder why the fuck he hadn't moved on. Letters is one thing; underwear is quite another. I would know that he was still harbouring feelings for her and that would not be ok. What is he doing? sniffing them? wanking over them? it's odd.

You looked in a wardrobe? not really a big deal. I don't consider my husbands wardrobe his private space Hmm

People keep going on about how wrong you are to have snooped but that is not very helpful really, is it? it is done now; yet the OP is accused of being wrong and it is fine for her partner to have his ex gf's knickers Hmm

usualsuspectt · 15/06/2014 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 15/06/2014 20:54

It wasn't her knickers. I suspect some posters just don't read.

And I agree that because the OP doesn't trust her partner this scenario is sadly likely to be repeated.

wafflyversatile · 15/06/2014 21:04

I'm pretty sure she said it was a wincyette nightie and a hairnet.

Well done for getting over this hurdle.

Try not to keep snooping.

Sallystyle · 15/06/2014 21:09

Knickers, bra, nightie.. whatever.

Doesn't change my opinion that it is odd to hold onto these items.

Coupled with the sexual letters he kept?

He does seem to be holding on to his exes. I have photos of my ex husband and my wedding ring (mainly for the children) but this feels very differently to me.

I think we can all agree though, that sadly, this relationship seems doomed from the start.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/06/2014 21:10

So a "happy ending" is one where you get your own way by lies and deceit. That is good to know.

Mandatorymongoose · 15/06/2014 23:00

Just to clear something up...

Did OP move into her partners flat or did they move into a new flat together (and so the underwear was packed at partners old flat and taken to the new flat with him)?

Makes no difference to anything I just wasn't sure.

Glad you've resolved it though OP, for what it's worth I wouldn't like DH keeping an ex's underwear (though he had / still has? a teddy that was a gift from one and that doesn't bother me at all). Also DH and I agree that looking through each others drawers, even just to be nosey wouldn't be an invasion of privacy. Though if you were looking because you were worried then maybe that's something to look at.

rootypig · 16/06/2014 10:55

mandatory she moved in with him. It is their place now, but no, he didn't pack and move the underwear.

OP I'm reading a book called Mating in Captivity, written by the therapist Esther Perel. I'm finding it very interesting, and it strikes me that it would be useful in your situation. Recommended. Will post an excerpt later when I have time.

HayDayQueen · 16/06/2014 12:26

Erm, yes he did pack and move the underwear from a previous flat of his. And yes, she moved into his flat as well. Hence the confusion.

He has moved since having the girlfriend.

YouTheCat · 16/06/2014 12:35

For a relationship to last and be solid both people need to feel happy and secure.

The OP doesn't sound secure and her bf is going to become increasingly unhappy with her snooping.

It's not that she's toxic or that he's a narc. It's that they don't seem well suited.

rootypig · 16/06/2014 16:08

Oh I see but HayDay he packed and moved it before he was in relationship with OP? and before she lived in his flat?

Cat agree, but I don't think it's about being suited or not, I think the relationship equilibrium / dynamic can be reset. But OP needs to allow him space. Even if that is filled with old bras.

DaisyBug1212 · 16/06/2014 17:55

Under wear from an ex? what kind of memento would that be? remember happy times and things you did together but keeping the sexy outfit she used to wear for him? this is not OK if he has kept them on purpose imo.

Stay calm, admit you where snooping and explain why to him as there are clearly trust issues for you to be snooping in the first place. you need to talk through these issues if your relationship is going to work.

Then ask him why he felt the need to keep underwear of the ex.

good luck x

normalishdude · 16/06/2014 18:28

Clean or dirty? Might be hanging on to the smell of an old ex if dirty.

sykadelic · 16/06/2014 19:40

Rootypig - the OP clearly stated they moved into a flat together. She did clarify earlier that she wasn't still living in a different place from him and was "living with him" now, but she did specify the below:


" <strong>Tulip1011 Sat 14-Jun-14 20:23:24</strong>

We both just moved into a cost together. He just moved his stuff from one side if the wardrobe to the other so I know he is aware of them. I didn't make him throw the letters

<strong>Tulip1011 Sat 14-Jun-14 20:25:12</strong>

*flat (not cost). Socks is very different from Bra and Silk nighty"

Maybe I misunderstood. Either way, he had moved a year previous so he knew they were there.

OP's sorted it anyway. For now.

rootypig · 16/06/2014 19:44

oh sorry, it's all very confusing!

rootypig · 16/06/2014 19:50

have looked back and HayDay is right, he moved, then OP moved in with him. So when he packed em up and hid em, it was in his own place. Should that make a difference.

Lioninthesun · 16/06/2014 20:04

I think if you are living together he can't expect these things not to come to light at some point. He should have been open about these things - I told my ex a jumper I wear around the house was an exes - it's not a memento but it is clearly a man's jumper but just sooo comfy! I didn't want him thinking I was pining after an ex and so told him. I think letters are one thing but dirty negligees are plain odd for a man to hold onto. He's not going to wear it! I think if people hide things they should expect a fall out if discovered and them having it in the first place is the wrong, not the person being suspicious. Many things in a relationship can point to the need to snoop for evidence, and if evidence is found then surely it is the person who has lied and hid something at fault, not the wronged party!
I found a hard drive of my exes after he left, and of course I looked at it. It had pictures of what I assume are his exes' boobs in a folder and some very angry rants about people he works with. The fact he had these saved to a hard drive that he didn't even think to pack means he was an idiot.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/06/2014 21:47

Lioninthesun

"Many things in a relationship can point to the need to snoop for evidence"

Apparently Like being bored.

"and if evidence is found then surely it is the person who has lied and hid something at fault"

The partner hasn't lied, all the OP found was evidence that he had had relationships in the past, this to my knowledge is not a crime.

"not the wronged party!"

How is the OP the wronged party? not only has she previous for snooping but in this case she has lied and been deceitful (all of the "making a big scene of tidying the closet" to cover it up.

sykadelic

"OP's sorted it anyway. For now."

She hasn't sorted anything, its just been swept under the rug (so to speak). Until she gets bored and snoops again.