Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found underwear from bfs ex girlfriend in my flat. Help what do I do?

279 replies

Tulip1011 · 14/06/2014 19:57

Title pretty much says it all! I'm confident the ex was years ago and now remarried. But my bf has hung on to her underwear?? Deliberately unpacked and kept at the bottom of his side of the wardrobe. My immediate reaction is to throw it. Am I right??

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 14/06/2014 23:38

As I read it goes like this:

Before they lived together, they went through a bad patch. During this he went on a date with someone else. The OP discovered this by looking in his drawer, in a property she didn't live in.
They dealt with it (or rather they didn't)
She moved in with him.
She snooped around and discovered, and read his old letters. He was annoyed.
Now she's been looking around again and discovered a bra and nightie.

wafflyversatile · 14/06/2014 23:39

In happy fulfilled relationships you either wouldn't have the urge to look or you would interpret what you found differently.

ilovesooty · 14/06/2014 23:41

waffly that's why I think this relationship wasn't a trusting one even before she moved in.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/06/2014 23:43

Animation
"He has breached the trust and OP has every right to look for evidence. HE is the unethical one - and she has a right to seek truths."

So he is not allowed to keep any momentos in case it breaches her trust?
Do you have list of "approved" momentos?

The OP has regularly betrayed her partners trust by snooping, not because she has reason but because as she has posted she was "bored" she has no moral high ground, nor has she trumped anything.

As for looking for evidence, evidence of what exactly? what truths is she hoping to find?

Boudica1990 · 14/06/2014 23:45

waffly I completely agree with you. I have no urge or want to go rooting through DP's belongings and if I did come across something whilst cleaning or emptying I'd simple put them in a box and say "I found these when cleaning, they must be yours, what do you want to do with them?"

I have in the past come across some interesting items and just laughed or pulled a face and put them back where I found them if I wasn't cleaning/throwing out just looking for something else. Some items I have found I have pulled to one side though, just so me and DP can have a giggle or I can wind him up Grin one example was pink nipple tassels....I kid you not. Turns out they were from a fancy dress party, let's just say I've seen the photos, nearly peed my pants and pink does not suit DP hahahah

Backinthering · 14/06/2014 23:48

Are people really cool with partners having keepsakes of loves past?
My DH and I have a shared home and a shared mortgage. I don't find that there is space for
momentos of prior partners in our marital home. And no area of this home or drawer is off limits to either of us, given that it's our mutual shared home.

Gennz · 14/06/2014 23:49

If I found some knickers in my DH's drawers I wouldn't assume he was cheating or neccesarily get upset but I would wave them under his nose and say wtf have you stashed this away for? you perv

Festering about it would be weirder than just mentioning it IM

Gennz · 14/06/2014 23:49

*IMO

DefiantRage · 14/06/2014 23:54

I once found my DP's exes bra in the drawers under the bed, I laughed about it to him and he went white thinking I'd go mad. I just told him to please move it from my side. It went straight in the bin anyway

wafflyversatile · 15/06/2014 00:00

I keep them and certainly don't intend to bin mementos of my past to placate a partner so it would be hypocritical to expect a partner to.

I trusted and respected 2 of the men I was in serious relationships with. If I had found a bra and nightie* belonging to an ex of theirs in the wardrobe I would have rolled my eyes and suggest they get a 'special shoe box' (like mine Blush)to contain their mementos and maybe move it to the garage.

With the other LTR ex I would feel more insecure.

*the more I say nightie, the more I'm imagining a full length flanelette number.

2rebecca · 15/06/2014 00:22

I'm with Gennz and don't feel that wardrobes are private places if you share a flat with someone and think that being territorial about your side of the wardrobe is nuts. It's not a phone or a diary it's just a wardrobe.
I'd ask him what's going on. If he tried to make it be all about me invading the sacred place of his side of the wardrobe I'd be moving out.

Animation · 15/06/2014 14:36

Boney - cannot understand why you think there's nothing wrong with having another woman's underwear in your drawers??

And I cannot understand why you can't how this might upset OP.

You are like a dog with a bone about OP snooping Confused

Another woman's underwear in a drawer would be a deal breaker for me.

PrincessBabyCat · 15/06/2014 15:08

Wow. This thread.

I can't believe that some women's self esteem on here is so low that they are trying to normalize a DP keeping an ex lover's underpants. It makes me cringe to wonder what they tolerate from their own DPs.

I have enough respect for myself to never put up with this level of bullshit from DH quite frankly I would have dumped him for going on a date behind my back. If DH had another woman's underpants in his dresser, he'd better have a damn good explanation, or I'd be kicking him out. There is a huge difference between a photo and underwear. Photos are about the memories you had, underwear are about the sex you had. One of those is not ok, because if he still wants to hang onto memories of the sex he's still lusting after past lovers.

That said, personally I need a relationship that is built on trust and honesty. So a guy hiding things from me would not be compatible with my personality type. That said, the second I start snooping through DH's things to see if everything is ok, is the second I need to rethink about why I don't think everything is ok. It's not about the snooping. In a good relationship, you won't find anything shady. It's about why you don't trust your DP, and if you can't trust them perhaps you should either work on building trust back up or find a new partner you can trust. Life's too short to waste on an unhappy relationship like this, especially since you have nothing tying you down like kids yet.

Original poster
Tulip1011 · 15/06/2014 16:06

Uhuh. Thanks for all the different points of view. In the end I decided to make a scene of clearing out the wardrobes and moving things round. Then (after a while) produced said items and asked him where they were from. He said from his ex 7 years ago and he had kept them for "old times sake" and looked a bit sheepish. I said - do you have a big stash of her underwear somewhere then, he says no I don't think so. I said - so will we be keeping said items, he says - no we can throw them away. Then big hug. So that's that, in case anyone else has the same situation

OP posts:
Animation · 15/06/2014 16:12

Well done TULIP Smile

CSIJanner · 15/06/2014 16:26

clutches at very thin straws

Does he own an kleptomaniac cat? Was there a small array of stuffed animals next to the nightie and pants?

CSIJanner · 15/06/2014 16:27

Cross post - alls well then :D

YouTheCat · 15/06/2014 16:29

I still say 'stop snooping'. No good will come of it in the end.

What if he gets you a fab present and hides it and then you find it before he gives it to you? Everyone deserves some privacy and trust.

JamNan · 15/06/2014 16:41

Sorry OP, I have not read through the whole thread, (first time ever before commenting) but I think they were aids for pleasuring himself in other words for wanking

You were cleaning out the wardrobes because you were worried about clothes moths - tis the season you know. Wink

Objection · 15/06/2014 17:43

Well done Tulip.
I will add however that you need to have a good hard think about whether you trust this man and whether he truly makes you happy.
You deserve to be in a relationship where you don't feel like you need to look through his things.

Good luck and please do have a think x

Frontier · 15/06/2014 18:00

I just don't think you keep an ex's underwear. maybe at the time and then forget all about it but if it comes to light 7 yrs later as these have you'd get rid of them not carefully hide them.

Either op's jealousy is so bad he was scared to put them in the bin for fear of her reaction uf she found them or they were acquired more recently than he says and he didn't bin them for the same reason. neither is good.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/06/2014 18:05

Animation
"Another woman's underwear in a drawer would be a deal breaker for me."

Snooping would be a deal breaker for me.

PrincessBabyCat

"I can't believe that some women's self esteem on here is so low that they are trying to normalize a DP keeping an ex lover's underpants. It makes me cringe to wonder what they tolerate from their own DPs."

But its low enough to take a PA swipe at anyone that disagrees with your POV.

Ubiquitousslug · 15/06/2014 18:19

Tulip I would tell him tomorrow that you want to make a bit more room in the wardrobe for yourself since moving in, then when he gets back, say - oh I found these! Whose are they?

RedRoom · 15/06/2014 18:32

Ubiquitousslug, it's already been dealt with.

usualsuspectt · 15/06/2014 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.