To have just realised that I have no friends

[DDDDDORA]

Four times this week I made plans (2 of them with the same person) and on all 4 occasions I have text to confirm plans to be told that they now have other plans and can we do it another time. People only chat to me when other people aren't around as soon as someone better comes along they walk away/ turn back on me.
I can't remember the last time I was invited along to anything and I always arrange things but 90% of the time people cancel or forget.
AIBU to think I must be a pretty boring person and WIBU to just give up on people altogether?

Oh I agree! However I am talking about people's prejudices. They subconsciously decide someone WILL be needy if they don't appear to have too many friends already. This prejudice doesn't seem to take into account them often people are victims of circumstance - new to the area, have been ill, have been abroad or otherwise out of the loop and so on.

Bigby that sounds so like me. I'm an introvert and just often seem to be a bit awkward in social situations as well. I'm quite good at faking it, which exhausts me utterly, but even when I feel like I'm doing a good job of doing normal chit chat something will happen to make me realise that other people just get it and I don't.

I think we may have been separated at birth Woozle! I'm with you on everything you said!
I must say though, it's only now at the age of 35 (almost 36) that I've realised it's okay to be introverted and quiet and enjoy your own company. Being alone with a book is just as valid a way to spend your time as going out and being the life and soul of the party with lots of friends

You're not alone DDDDDORA I'm always having dates with friends cancelled band my calls not returned. It happened last week and the week before. Don't take it too badly - people are shite.

But people are not shite, mostly

Thinking in such a negative way must become a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy?

If someone does not call me back, (and most people don't as it is all whatsapp and txt now, it seems), I think they are probably busy.

I am not mortally offended, nor do I write them off as being shite

I honestly prefer just a few friends, that are quality, rather than umpteen friends/contacts/filler inners.

I am fussy and have always found that pays off too!

Making friends nowadays is hard, I'm friendly & down to earth and find that most other females are not!

I'm also a new 'older' mum at 40 yrs old with my 2nd child of 5 months. When I visit the children's centre I don't really have anything in common with the young mums so that doesn't help me in forming friendships!

I'm not on FB but do have WhatsApp so any mums on this thread can pm me your number for a chat

I find it incredibly tough to make friends too. It has been reassuring in a way to find out that I am not the only one.

Like many others on this thread, I self-describe as an introvert and am in my mid 30s. I find other people tiring in large doses, but that doesn't mean I don't crave some contact!

One of the issues for me is that DH has many friends, some going right back to high school, and we often end up doing things with them for whole weekends due to geographical distance. Of course, they are always 'his' friends still - the closeness is between them and not with me. If something happened to our marriage, they would not be there for me. I feel like this contributes to my problems meeting people.

Can I ask, hopefully without offending, how much effort you put into making potentials into actual friends?

If nobody comments on your Facebook status- do you regularly comment on theirs? Like pictures, reply to comments, etc?

If you don't get invited on events- how often do you invite them? Do you make it known that you fancy going out? Do you suggest it?

How much time do you put into maintaining and nurturing friendships? Do you regularly make the first effort for contact? Suggest meet-ups? Send them a little card or pressie in the post, or bring them in a bun, because you were thinking of them?

I was guilty of being quite a loner. I'm single, not easy to find a babysitter, and can quite easily sit on my lunch at work and read a book, rather than chat. It's only when I've actually prioritised being a friend, that friendships have become real. I started inviting a friend round to my house for dinner, since I couldn't afford a babysitter. A newly single colleague was lonely, so I've made the effort to message regularly, ask how she is, take a picture of something that would make her smile. She's now a friend. A close friend at that.

All that energy was absolutely exhausting, to be honest, as I'm very much an introvert. But it's worth it when something happens, and I have friends rally round, or when I do get tagged in FB statuses and I feel included.

friends do take a lot of work, but for me it keeps me sane. we have moved 6 times in ten years so i now have a lot of tactics to make new friends and they work. it is very hard at the start but gets easier
it does sound a bit odd when i write them down but here are a few
-invite one family around each sunday/saturday for a meal with your family
-if you chat to someone at a playgroup but have a crap memory, when you get home write down the details (eg their name, job etc) then look over it before you go back to the group the next week. people are flattered if you remember them and it means conversation gets more interesting faster
-read the papers and talk about "big" subjects such as how much freedom kids should get/why do ppl feel attracted to extremism etc. when you meet new people, rather than standard questions
-when you go somewhere new, force yourself to sit next to someone rather than on your own

the biggest thing i have also learned is to accept help when offered. i often say "oh we have that xxxx (eg babywalker) would you like to borrow it?" but actually, people only open up and become vulnerable enough to ask for help when you have made the first move and accepted help from them.
in learning this i have also realised that, actually, most people are NOT crap, most people want to help you and be friends, they are just shy+don't like being honest with people they don't know (eg saying "actually, i am having a really bad day today and sometimes i really dont like my children"
honesty actually draws people into friendships, if you are new and don't know anyone it's ok to sit next to someone and say "im new, i feel awkward but i want to enjoy this group so could you tell me how it is run?"

woah that was long! sorry!
equally, not everyone is like me and not everyone needs lots of contact with other people, so please ignore the above message.
eg my husband can go a whole day without speaking to another person and be content, if i go a whole day without speaking to anyone else i feel really low
each to their own

Try reading non violent communication by Marshall Roseberg. Potentially how you relate your needs and interpret other peoples needs is causing you difficulties in maintaining close relationships.

Sorry about the briefness of this post but I'm on my phone. The title of the book sounds off-putting but the techniques are used in modern politics and buisness environments.

I've only read the first page but I had to post to say Thank Goodness I'm not the only one! I have two 'real' friends but we've moved and they are back 'home'. I have one friend here, but since she went back to work she is so busy.

My Facebook is very boring, I have maybe 20 people (they are not friends).
I joined the church group here but the women are young moms and grandmothers, all fine, but no one I connect with.

I haven't given up on people, but making friends, sort of. At least I know I'm not alone that makes it bearable!

I really feel this too! Got loads of acquaintances but no genuine friends. Have stopped drinking so a group of people I used to meet up with for nights out have drifted away and I don't even miss them. I was looking through old uni pics last night and was amazed how sociable I was and how many people I knew,....but I lost contact with every single one within about a year of graduating. That makes me so sad as I had a great time at uni. But it was all based around drinking and often flirting which is not appropriate for me any more anyway!

Really want to find this group but can't! Going to PM someone when feeling brave enough! :)

I actually though i'm the only one. I don't know if this thread alive but it's like blue sky to me now. Beginning of 2014 i felt that i'm pregnant. And then everything changed. I stopped seeing people, going out somewhere, just kept staying at home and eating, watching films, sleeping. It sounds like normal pregnancy, what else can you do, but i literally stopped socialising. No contact with anyone except my partner, my mum, my family. And then i gave birth three months ago and i still don't go anywhere. I would love to have some friends but maybe the problem is in me as i don't really fit easily. Maybe that's just my character. Or maybe because ii got pnd and that just have to go away. No genuine friends. People that i have on fb - they just people that i know, but not people that are my friends. It's sad, of course i feel lonely and not really normal as i see other mums meeting each other, having fun with their babies and talking, spending time together. Maybe i just don't know how to start new friendships/how to make a contact.

I've only got one real friend, although she's usually too madly busy to meet up. She's one of those who over fills her life but she is a genuine friend who I've known for 20+ years who I could tell anything. I did have more friends when my middle child was at primary but when she started secondary, they all went off to live in different towns. I also carried on having children after my previous friends had stopped. So now, being an older mum to my youngest, sets me apart. I used to care more, but now my youngest is at preschool and I am working, it matters less.

crawlingsquirrel I've just realised that you have livened up an old thread. IMO the early days with a baby are not great, the lack of sleep, the amount of work involved etc. I found that from 6 months it started to get better and I found myself every 6 months thinking "this is getting a lot better".

When my son was a baby I went to various mother and baby groups but never really found a group I really fitted in to but having said that, I didn't attend often enough to really make friends. I'm also not very forward so my friends tend to be the ones who take me under their wings.

However, my advice is that the best groups are the ones where there is a set activity going on. My favourite was baby sensory, when my son was under one and then a singing group (of which there are usually loads) when my son was older. That way you can be involved in doing something with your DC and not feel like you have no friends, whilst you are getting to know people. I would also say, try to go to it regularly so that you get to know the people. It may take quite a while if you aren't very outgoing.

Tumbletots is also very good. They do gymbabes for babies and then they progress through the classes. I have found this to be very friendly. Swimming is another possibility.

Whatever you choose, there are plenty of groups out there. I think you'll be surprised how much happier a bit of structure with just 2 classes makes you feel.

I've only got one true friend who I've known since the age of 8 (I'm now 32) she's the only one who keeps in contact and we see each other 1/2 x a month. My other friends r mummy's up the school who I have a quick chat with.

I'd say not to bother with ur so called friends anymore, anyone that cares will b in touch soon enough. Bless you. It must feel horrible

I'm not a natural socialite either and have had friends over the years, but the relationships have petered out as our lives moved on.

I have two teenagers and especially with my DD, I've met lots of other Mums through her sports/activities clubs (this is obviously easier with indoor clubs). Because she might be doing her sports (swimming/Gymnastics) for an hour or two I will generally just stay and watch and there are others doing the same. Eventually you become a group of 'chatters' who meet regularly at the pool or gym or maybe go for a coffee while the kids are busy. You can also get involved in committees or coaching with many clubs and then you get into the 'network' for your area. The people you meet may not be your soulmates, but you do all share interests and the rest follows.

I don't know if it's already been mentioned, but meetup.com is a great site if you're looking to meet folk. It's scary turning up these groups on your own, but totally worth it - I've made a couple of really good friends through meetup groups.

Making real friends takes ages. I've moved around a lot and I can make aquantances at the drop of a hat but making real friends takes years. I learnt to be quite proactive about it but the main factor is definitely time.

Badminton, tennis and running/walking clubs can work well.

I've met a lot of people though a running club and although they are not close friends, at least it means there's a Xmas dinner etc which means I get at least one social event a year! Sports clubs are definitely a good thing, or join a choir or something similar. But if you have small kids and no babysitter it's difficult - but then a little patience until they start school and you can have some time for you.

Meet-up sounds good and a lady near me has started a "ladies who lunch" group on FB to make friends. I guess if you go to a group like that everyone is the same so you won't come across as "needy" if you invite someone you meet there out for coffee more than once!

PS is the FB group still active?

My friendship with one of my closest mates fell apart about six ears ago. I lived in Ireland then and then after a while decided to live in UK. Long journey was though maybe that's why i lost so many people around me and didn't really try to keep any contact with them. Anyway now when i realised that i've no friends what so ever, i have to do something. Thank you for all good words and useful advices, at least i know i'm not alone and all i have to do is start to socialise. I'm thinking how to do that as i'm a little afraid that i will say some nonsense, it's funny how you loose the simplest things - make a contact. One year is something. And i think that's more then enough..

I haven't RTfullT yet but I'm feeling pretty despondent at the moment. I'm sure I havelots of friendly acquaintances but I feel that's pretty much all they are. I've just spent Xmas with DH and two DC and apart from a pretty awful trip to a local country park to meet some of the aforementioned FAs (DS kicked off - another story) we've not seen or heard from anyone else over the Xmas period. New Year will be the same, apart from a video call with SIL and MIL overseas. (No other relatives either alive, compos mentis or giving a shit about us.) Feels very isolating. I know I should be grateful for what I have and mostly I am - but this time of year it's a little tough.