To have just realised that I have no friends

[DDDDDORA]

Four times this week I made plans (2 of them with the same person) and on all 4 occasions I have text to confirm plans to be told that they now have other plans and can we do it another time. People only chat to me when other people aren't around as soon as someone better comes along they walk away/ turn back on me.
I can't remember the last time I was invited along to anything and I always arrange things but 90% of the time people cancel or forget.
AIBU to think I must be a pretty boring person and WIBU to just give up on people altogether?

I don't want to be mean, but i'm so glad i'm not alone.
Fishandjam, we had the same situation this Christmas. My partner, my little and me. That's it. And new year will be the same. We don't really have much friends, just one couple with their daughter and they were with us on boxing day, that's probably twice/three times a year. Maybe four. My partner have more friends then me, but they also my "friends" as we together, but they're not close to me.

I've been feeling a bit down about this too lately. I've got some good old school friends, but they don't live locally. Have always found it difficult to really gel with people - I'm quite shy and always wait for others to invite me to stuff rather than organise something myself, so I know they really want me there. I feel like I'm a bit "out of sight, out of mind" with most people - they're happy enough to be around me at the time, but don't really give me a second thought when I'm not around

I'm back at work part time, which I do enjoy but again, it kind of puts me in limbo. I'm out of the full loop with stuff/gossip at work, but also only have 2 days to try to squeeze in baby groups/mum get togethers etc. My new years resolution is to socialise more and put myself forward a bit more to try and make a few more good friends locally - quality over quantity though!

Don't think I'm going to have time to read the whole thread tonight, so just wanted to suggest that those of you in this situation who are on facebook might find it useful to join a local 'Mums in . . . ' group, do a search and see if there are any near you. If you join in the chats they're a good way to get to know new people without having to leave the house, and if you're free when they do meet ups in person you might get to attend those as well. Also look for any groups built around a hobby or interest as that way you've got more chance of finding people who share common interests.

If you run your own business or support your DH/DP in running his/her business, then see if there are any local business groups on Facebook, Inspire is a large one for women in North East England which runs regular networking events in various parts of the region, and there might be things like that near you.

It depends on your definition of a friend. Many people would think I have lots of friends but I think of a true friend as someone you could turn to at any time, day or night, in a real crisis which means, by my reckoning, I have none either

Orangeisthenewbanana- I feel exactly the same. I have no close friends locally but several university friends in different parts of the country. I also work part time. Am feeling down that we are spending New Year's Eve at home, just the family (as we always do). I would love to have just a couple of close friends locally that we could spend time with on special occasions like NYE, birthdays etc. I lack the confidence to invite people to us and never get invited to anything, so it's catch 22! I am definitely an introvert and as the years go by, I am more accepting that I will not probably not form close female friendships. I try to focus on all the positives I have in my life, but it still makes me feel lonely.

I do have a couple of really good friends but my problem is I don't 'do' small talk, so I feel a bit socially inadequate. My response to this is to ask people questions about themselves (did you have a good Christmas? Is your sister in law any better? Did you manage to get to Preston in the end?) so they do most of the talking. I do notice though that some people never ask about me in return. One person I regularly make an effort to talk to tells me all about her (very important) job, workload, problems of managing so many staff etc and never ever asks anything about what I am doing. I suppose I am fulfilling a need in her, but I would like her to ask just once how DS is getting on. I don't really consider her a friend though. Her DH is the opposite and asks my DH all sorts of things so I guess he is using the same tactic! Must ask DH if he ever remembers to ask questions!

I have 2, both childless, both single and both miles away, plus a mum at school I have coffee/wine with ocaisionally, I only noticed when my mum was nagging about my impending move as I wouldn't know anyone....
Maybe I'm just acquaintance material! I might join the WI when I'm moved and not pregnant anymore!

Friend of my partner had to come to visit me and my little on Christmas day. She said she will definitely come but guess what, she decided to lie that her mum got kidney infection instead of telling me that she don't have time or even tell me the truth. I knew she don't really want to come. But why you have to promise then. Anyway i'm not that bad at making conversations, i just don't talk al the time, sometimes i'm very talkative but when it comes to making conversation, then i'm gone. I just can't be fake and pretend that i like talking about things that i don't like or i never do. Or maybe i'm very fussy when it comes to making friendships. There's so many "maybes" here, maybe new year will bring something new, something good.

I only have a couple of true friends, and have often felt friendless and lonely in the past before they were in my life. I'm always up for making new friends though! Anyone in Sussex let me know

I agree, Larry.

Sometimes I spend ages asking someone questions and they tell me all about their life and times, but I come away and think, you know what, they know absolutely nothing about me. One day I'll actually say, "Conversation is like ping pong - now it's your turn to bat it back." I would never dare, though!

ShesAnEasyWuffer great name

I haven't fitted in any social groups for quite a few years. I had my first son when I was 17 (now 25), so I was never accepted (still not) in the school playground by the other mums as they perceived me as a young mum stereotype. At the same time through college and university I didnt fit in as to them "you're a mum", so apparently I wasn't fun enough to be friendship material. My workplace is a small business so there isn't many people to socialise with either. I'm currently on maternity leave with my DS2 who's 3 months, and have came to the realisation that my only friends are my kids and DP.

I'm Billy no mates too. I have work friends, but that's it, and never see them outside of work.Christmas has been me and Dh and kids. I joined our localWI, it's lovely but hardly new wave, and my MN local is full of tumbleweeds.

These threads come up every few months and it always strikes me that most posts have a tone of whining and self-pity rather than "how can I change?". Most friendless/unpopular people are not bad people, just shy, unlucky in their circumstances, short of time/money to get out and build friendships.

BUT there's a lot you can do. I am the kind of people others gravitate towards. I have more friends than I can keep up with and I know I often disappoint people who want to meet up with me and I just can't make the time.

Here are some habits that I think help me:

• I am great at conversation. When I am talking to someone, I can handle silences, but don't let them become awkward. I fill them with a compliment or a gentle joke about something/someone else in the room (creating a bond/feeling of conspiracy). Or a question - I'm genuinely interested in other people and I listen more than I talk.
• I am interested in lots of things. I read books (mainly non-fiction, as easier to talk about), keep up with news/current events and the major TV shows, read the news, watch TED talks. This allows me to have a conversation about pretty much anything, so I can quickly suss out what interests someone and let them talk about it. If I particularly want to befried/impress someone, I do a little research into their interests before I see them so I can open up an interesting line of conversation - e.g. if I know they follow a particular sport or team, if they have connections in another part of the world etc. I don't let the person know that I've researched their interest for this reason, I present it as something I've recently heard about and want to know more, and I ask them to share what they know/feel. Might sound calculating, but I enjoy learning and broadening my horizons, and the other person feels good too.
• I make people feel valued. Eye contact, big smile and "hi " when they walk in. When they leave, eye contact, warm goodbye, and I often say something like "it was great to see you, so glad you came" - even if I'm not hosting.
• I notice/compliment the best features of others, both physical and other (e.g. if they show intelligence, make me laugh a lot or whatever).
• I am nice looking, make the best of myself, dress well and smell great (people actually tell me this, often). Good-looking people are more successful socially, even among toddlers!
• I remember things about people and follow up. If someone mentions an upcoming job interview, trip, hospital appointment etc, I note it in my diary and text them that morning to wish them luck or whatever. Ditto birthdays - I don't rely on facebook to remember these.
• I build connections - e.g. if someone's interested in something that I've read a good book about I get their number or email and send them a link to it on Amazon. I do this right away, during or just after the conversation with them. They then have my details.
• I make the first move. Greeting, big smile, eye contact, a sincere compliment never hurts, often just a bit of small talk and then move on so the other person doesn't feel trapped. Do it a few more times and gradually you are having longer chats and you grab a coffee and then lunch...
• I am relentlessly positive. I see the best in people and appreciate anything good in the world, however small. My glass is half full. If things are shitty for me, I laugh about it, or mention factually and change the subject. If others want to moan, I let them, but I don't get dragged down.
• I organise things I want to do and extend invitations to other people. If they don't want to come, I go anyway, on my own! Then I bung a post on facebook about how awesome it was.
• I put myself in the middle of things. In most of my social groups, I'm the organiser - the one who plans things, brings people together. It is more effort because I have to find and book venues, sort out dates etc, but I don't mind. I'd rather things happened!
• I am not needy. I do all the above things becuse I like people and am interested in them. I don't push people for time or responses. If I don't sense that they are reciprocating, I move on. Some people are miserable bastards or have their own stuff going on and don't have capacity for a new friend. I don't take that personally.

I probably sound like a nightmare or a sociopath or something but I am certainly not short of friends. My closest friends, the ones I really let me guard down with, are people I've known for at least 10 years, some much longer, but I make new friends all the time through work, gym, voluntary work and so on.

One more thing: I practice being charming and friendly all the time, in every interaction I have. People on tills in shops, the postman, the cleaners at work, the GP's dragon receptionist - everyone gets the smile, eye contact, how are you today, small talk about weather etc. It comes naturally to me now - it didn't always!

AyMamita - thank's for your opinion but i don't think that is self pithiness. I'm not shy, i'm not short of money, i just had complicated c-section three months ago - so yes, i am in bad circumstances, because i'm still healing and i'm short of time, also Forgot how to make a contact with people.
A lot of women who write in here don't pity themselves, they just explain how they feel, share their emotions and actually bring some positive, now i feel like i'm normal, it just takes time :)
You're not sociopath, that is illness and you sound pretty normal to me. And you have very good opinion about yourself maybe that's why i can't make any contact with people who have big ego's. No offence.
So yeah, make friends is hard, but it's possible. :)

AyMamita you sound very very full of yourself tbh, and superior. Not cool.

Oh my god AyMamita I think you are one of my friends!

My friend basically does all that AyMamita does and as a result has both an inner and a much wider circle of friends and picks up new friends all over the place.

She's confident and fun, not needy but is there for others when they need her. She's an organiser so keeps momentum going in friendships but she also gets to do the stuff she wants to do. She's interested in people and interesting. Basically a great person to be around.

People might poo poo AyMamita's checklist but I promise you if you see someone like that who makes an effort with others and is confident the it doesn't seem forced and their natural enjoyment of others comes across.

embracethemuffintop and you sound envious and not very fun.

I do a lot of the things AyMinta does but tbh it sounds just like a self help manual for 'How to make friends' when written down.

I would probably run away if I met someone who was 'relentlessly positive'.

Apologies. Fell at the first hurdle and got AyMamita's name wrong

Cheers wonc

Christonabike Mamita, that sounds like bloody hard work.
Friendship isn't that hard.
I suppose it could be if you're doing a masters in friendship studies or something ?? but seriously, who has time for all that?
I'm quite picky. I do have a few close friends, but if widening my social circle involves looking good at all times, being relentlessly positive and googling new people to make small talk with them: well, sod that frankly. I want friends who like me when I'm a bit crotchety and snarky, who don't care what I'm wearing, who don't expect me to organise everything. Luckily my friends are like that. If you have to force it or fake it or make massive efforts to engineer situations and yourself to build friendships, they were never friends to begin with!

I think again this comes back to the definition of friendship. I have done a lot of what AyMamita says in the past but the people who are attracted by it are often very superficial and I would class them as acquaintances rather than friends.
Now my DCs have left school and left home a lot of those people have faded away as they do not put the effort in to maintain the "friendship", they lasted while we ran into each other regularly but, once meeting at school and the social life attached to it was out of the picture, fizzled out.

Some friends of ours lost their son last year. She said that has changed their friendships dramatically as some people they thought were close and saw frequently really weren't there in their hours of need yet others who they did not see as often were the ones who stepped forward to help them. Would the people attracted by flattery and chitchat be true friends?

Meechimoo, I think you've misunderstood my post, which is about how to make friends and get friendships off the ground. It does take some effort. As I mentioned, I have many close friends of 10+ years' standing who I can be at my worst with, although I don't feel entitled to inflict that on them very often. But to make new friends, which I do regularly, it helps to be at your best. I am not forcing, faking or engineering anything (did you mean to be so rude?!), I'm just showing people my best side, seeing the best in them and reflecting it back to them so they feel great when they're with me. Win win. Some people are more introverted and would rather have just a few close friends - maybe then don't bother organising group events, but you could still use the other tips to build those relationships from acquaintance to friend to BFF!

None of the habits I mentioned feel like hard work to me. I genuinely enjoy meeting new people, getting to know them and sharing their interests and passions. Lots of my favourite things to do, like going to the theatre, were introduced to me in this way. I also like organising social gatherings and bringing people together. I like making people feel valued and seeing them smile. A happy by-product of this is that people tend to like me and gravitate towards me, and I have many fulfilling friendships with a wide range of people. Hopefully some of the people on this thread who would like to be in the same position can try to adopt some of the habits I described and will find them useful. Those who have felt the need to be snarky in response to a helpful, positive post probably have their answer as to why they find themselves short of friends!