To have just realised that I have no friends

[DDDDDORA]

Four times this week I made plans (2 of them with the same person) and on all 4 occasions I have text to confirm plans to be told that they now have other plans and can we do it another time. People only chat to me when other people aren't around as soon as someone better comes along they walk away/ turn back on me.
I can't remember the last time I was invited along to anything and I always arrange things but 90% of the time people cancel or forget.
AIBU to think I must be a pretty boring person and WIBU to just give up on people altogether?

Mamita you're absolutely right, well done for offering positive suggestions rather than commiserations.

Friendships do require effort at the outset when you're an adult - at school/work you're forced into other people's company, and whilst it's great if you gel, it's not necessarily because you're similar people with similar interests - it's enforced proximity.

Reading through this thread, and a lot of it resonates with me, so thought I'd bring it back to life!
How are you lovely ladies doing?
Who has suceeded in mission 'Make New Friends'?

Do other people really have real friends? Lots of people look like they do, and some are probably lucky enough to have kept in touch with and developed long, closer friendships.

However, most people just put up with 'friends' who they don't have a huge amount in common with, or who treat them badly, or who they can't really talk in depth with/trust/dissagree with, etc, etc. I know loads of people like this, and they either moan about their friends behind their backs or its obvious that they put up with crap.

I'm less concerned about holding on to friendships these days if they are not a source of happiness. If i realise Im not looking forward to meeting up with them I just back out of it. I've moved around a lot, so it was difficult to keep friendships going.

I had one long friendship with an old school friend, who turned into a complete bitch. I kept the friendship going much longer than I should have - she really wasn't nice to me in the end.

I'm quite happy having acquaintances! If one of those develops into something deeper, then that will be great. But, I'd rather have no close friends than toxic ones.

Same here, nobody ever rings me to meet up or for coffee, I rarely get texts and no body mentions or tags me on Facebook or likes anything I add. The only people I socialise with are my parents and DDs. Sometimes it really gets me down because I would love a few friends to meet up with. I thought some of my colleagues I had made friends with but I've been off work for the past 6

Is there an app for making friends like Tinder?

Sorry posted too soon, 6 weeks and I've heard nothing from anybody so I was wrong there! Its so hard to meet people and keep the friendship going.

What often works (for finding acquaintances, who may then turn into friends) is finding other people in the same position as you.

When you go to these groups (toddler/school gates/work, etc) and feel like you are the outsider looking in. Spot other people in the same position. The other New-be.

Make an effort to talk to them everytime you see them and then let other new-be's into the group over time. OK, you may find out you don't have a lot in common or don't 'click' , but persist as friendships groups can grow and you could click with someone else who joins the discussion.

Really interesting thread. It's got me thinking a lot.

I'm quite introverted and prefer meeting with friends on a 1:1 basis or small group only, feel uncomfortable in large groups. I begged my bridesmaid not to ask too many people to my hen do as I wouldn't have enjoyed it.

My closest friends are a few from school, as we know each other inside out and can chat about anything. We only meet up maybe once every 2 months, but that's ok with me, life is so busy just with everyday family stuff that I dont 'miss' seeing them more often.

Other close friends (I only have a few I class this way, who I could share and trust secrets with etc) I meet every 6-8 weeks for lunch or dinner in a pub just 1:1. Strangely enough, these are former colleagues from different jobs that I somehow kept in touch with and get on far better with now that when we worked together, and we have more to talk about now we work in different places.

I have made a few friends at a baby group, we were all new the same week so got chatting and meet up socially occasionally.

This might sound horrible, but with having young DCs now and a fairly set routine with their activities, working pt (but still stressful on non working days), being close to family and seeing them regularly, means I'm probably quite closed to actively making new friends as don't know when I'd find time to dedicate to them. Although saying that, if I got chatting to someone say at one of the DCs activities and we got on really well I'm sure I'd make the exception.

Sorry that's probably not very helpful to you OP, just sharing my own perspective about why some people might not seem very forthcoming with invitations to meet up or start new friendships- they are probably struggling to juggle the plates in their life already.

I have been kicked in the teeth more times than I care to remember. I have a small group if friends through a mutual interests but o my really see them at the organised events they have. If I fancy a drink k I pop down the local pub on my own I always see someone I know and meet different people. I can do what I like and go home when I like. I've met quite a few people whilst out. I appreciate not many people feel comfortable doing this but it doesn't bother me. Maybe you need to get out on your own or join some clubs and meet people.

why is this not showing as a zombie thread?

I remember when I first had my children, it was a very lonely experience and you did feel like you had walked across a bridge and left you non parent friends on the other side! Some come across to visit but others unfortunately turn away and run. I found playgroups hard but I persevered and ended up becoming a volunteer which at times could be infuriating when no one helped but on the plus side it made me a familiar face to all so the majority of people talked to me for cups of tea and information, and eventually you make friends, some are just friendly acquaintances but others become good friends. I also became more friendly with my neighbours and the local newsagent. Often as adults it takes time to develop friendships, only after about 10 years of chatting with neighbours did we finally go out for dinner and drinks! Those initial small talk chats can eventually become great friendships (or not), but regardless these friendly exchanges can keep loneliness at bay and provide a network of support when life is unkind.

I was so glad to come across this post because I have felt like this for a long time. I have colleagues at work who I see for coffee or lunch (at work), and that's about it. I try not to think about it because it makes me feel so low and I don't know what is wrong with me. I am married and, thankfully, have a good relationship. But, when I want to go out for a coffee with someone who isn't my husband, or just have a chat about anything, there is no one :-(

My closest friend for many years completely cut me off a few months ago - just stopped replying to any of my messages - and that has made me feel even more lonely and I keep wondering what I have done wrong.

Other people seem to have friends, even if it is a couple of friends, and go out. Me? I have no where to go and no one to go with.

I have been reading through the messages on this board, and found myself crying because they all ring so true to me! Even reading back about the ice bucket challenge - no one asked me either! Like a lot of other people who posted on here, I feel like an outsider looking in :-(

I'm so lonely that I'm actually posting on a board that no one has posted on for years! That really is pathetic! Oh well, just me talking to myself.

I have one true friend

Starry you're not alone here. I came across this thread because this is how it is for me and while it saddens me to tnink there are lots of lonely people out there, it is also comforting to know I'm not completely alone.
How are PP's doing ?

What you should try do with your "friends" that keep cancelling is take a step back. Stop organising things and let them come to you. Friendship is a two way street and why should you put your all in to get nothing in return/ignored. I have tried this and it made me realise what friends were genuinely interested in me as a person, not just someone to waste time with. Plus the disappointment from being let down by these people is absolutely not worth it!!

I'm so glad you both replied to the thread too - thank you!

It's true, definitely comforting to know it's not just me. I don't think I've ever been good at making friends; only acquaintances. Even at school, I didn't have friends as such, only people to say 'hello' to, and that has continued the rest of my life too.

Bear 28 - I wish I had friends to 'come to me', but I don't have any! I don't have anything to organise that anyone could or would cancel.

I haven't had the knack of transforming an acquaintance into a friendship, even though I have tried. At the moment, I am just throwing myself into my work, because I don't know what else to do with my loneliness.

Can I join too please? I have a few friends but DH is the only one I am 100% myself with. It gets harder to put myself out there as I get older. I got ghosted recently and text to ask why. I think it was more about her than our friendship (she has MH problems) It still hurts though. I have stopped using social media and I honestly do not miss it. It is really soul destroying especially when you are feeling lonely.

That sounds so familiar, and I'm sorry you were 'ghosted' too. It is so hurtful.

I tend to only use Instagram these days because it doesn't matter if you post anything or if anyone 'likes' anything you do post... I just look at beautiful pictures on it, and it doesn't feel like the misery-inducing popularity contest that Facebook is.

If anyone is in South Wales and wants a friend, I have just moved here and am happy to meet for a coffee or something. I have been really lonely at certain points in my life and it is horrible.

What hobbies do you like Starry? I love cooking. I'm starting to do sewing and gardening. I have started exercising again (motivated by our summer holidays). I'm not good at groups. I lack confidence. I have young children and I now feel like I have lost my own identity if that makes sense.

Barbed I'm miles away from South Wales but I'd be happy to be messaging friends if you like. How have you found the move? Are there any groups you could join?

I feel a bit tearful reading this thread too! I'm personally OK with friends at the moment, but have been in different places over the years where I've found making new friends really difficult. And my eldest does have friends, but far, far fewer than he'd like, which breaks my heart for him sometimes. I wish the world were more open - in the sense that if you make time for somebody, nine times out of ten you find that they're lovely. The people on this thread sound wonderful and empathetic and warm. But it can be so damn hard to get a word in edgeways sometimes, or to know how to make the 'right' conversation, and people aren't good at making space for people in that kind of situation, I find.