Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just realised that I have no friends

300 replies

DDDDDORA · 12/06/2014 21:41

Four times this week I made plans (2 of them with the same person) and on all 4 occasions I have text to confirm plans to be told that they now have other plans and can we do it another time. People only chat to me when other people aren't around as soon as someone better comes along they walk away/ turn back on me.
I can't remember the last time I was invited along to anything and I always arrange things but 90% of the time people cancel or forget.
AIBU to think I must be a pretty boring person and WIBU to just give up on people altogether?

OP posts:
pourmeanotherglass · 06/09/2014 10:35

I find it hard to make actual friends, but have lots of acquaintances and I get on well with my colleagues at work. I don't really have anyone I go out with regularly.
There was a mum I met at toddlers who I used to go for regular beers with, but she moved to the other end of the country a few years ago. My 2 best uni friends both live abroad.
I think so many people live really busy lives, it's easy enough to find people for a chat at the school gate, but much harder to find people who want to meet up outside of that. Now dd1 has gone up to secondary I'll miss seeing the mums of her primary school friends.

Gruntfuttock · 06/09/2014 11:03

I haven't got any friends either. When I got married there were only two guests - our mothers!

iamdivergent · 06/09/2014 12:16

I feel exactly the same.

I have quite a number of 'friends' on social media but they're not close to me. I thought I had a really special friend but she didn't feel the same and kept cancelling on me. I'm in my late 20's and I best get on with woman 50+ Confused even then they're not my friends really either Sad

it all came to a head when I didn't even get a nomination for the ice bucket challenge

Lushlush · 06/09/2014 13:27

Zippi the mumsnet local certainly in my neighbourhood appears to be for those with children under 5 who are spare in the weekdays and I have a living to make. So that's not for me.

LL12 · 06/09/2014 13:42

I have found in life that it does not matter how friendly you are, if the other person isn't you don't stand a chance.
In my child's school all the mums stand in groups and to an outsider it looks like they are friendly nice people, the problem is that these people have known each other since their children were in nursery and yes, are very friendly to each other, but if anyone new comes along and tries to break into their groups they don't seem to have any social skills, they don't seem to know how to make new friends.
Unfortuntly for my child, these people's children are just like their parents and she just can't break into their groups and make friends. They just don't seem to be able to make friends with people that they haven't been to nursery and infant school with.
We try everything but I worry that she has no friends.

PoirotsMoustache · 06/09/2014 13:53

I've not got any real friends either. I'm friendly with my neighbour on one side, but I don't know if we're proper friends, if that makes sense.

Put it this way - the list of friends I invited to and who attended my wedding earlier this were:

Neighbour and her son.

My surprise hen do consisted of my Mum and my 3 sisters, because I have no friends that they could have invited.

I've got lots of FB 'friends', but they're mostly family or people I went to school with. I never actually see any of them in RL.

francisdrakehasleprosy · 06/09/2014 13:56

It's very tough making friends when you're an adult. TBH friendlessness in adulthood is very common and very little to do with you as a person. Like most people, I bet you are very nice OP. There are more nice people around than nasty ones, after all! :) It's because we make realfriends through repeated exposure. Very few people meet someone once and become their close friend. So mostly this happens at school or at university or at work, because you see them every day and you "select" realfriends from acquaintances. If you don't have school or university or work, where would you find the time and routine to make really good friends? It is the way our life is these days.
So going to a baby group or something like that is a good idea, even if you only make acquaintances. Repeated meetings with someone might lead you to eventually realise that you can become good friends. So, basically what I want to say is that it is unrealistic to be told to "go out and make friends". What you want to hear is "go out and put yourself in a position where you can socialise and maybe you'll be lucky enough to meet someone you really click with. And if you don't then at least you'll have gone out and hung out with people who are hopefully also nice and stimulating even if they won't ever be your best friend".

PinkAndBlueBedtimeBears · 06/09/2014 13:59

Can I join in?

The realisation that the one person I though was my only best friend actually doesn't class me in her top 10 (bloody fb quiz) made me realise I'm a loner :(
Trying to plan my hen do, as I have no one else to do it, and having noone bar my cousin to invite..

Lushlush · 06/09/2014 14:25

Pink if you have very few friends to invite, or none, why not just get married abroad and have done? At least it would be different. I hope the day goes swimmingly for you anyway!

francisdrakehasleprosy · 06/09/2014 14:27

I agree with lush. Smile

Shahsham · 06/09/2014 14:42

Me too

My hen do was just 2 friends and me. We are friends but don't live in the same country so try to get together for a weekend once a year...(try beingthe operative word!) and one weekend just happened to be a couple of months before my birthday so they paid for a spa treat. Due to pregnancies and babies I havent seen them in 18months. We're not into chatting on the phone either, just occasional emails.

Only one friend from uni but he lives abroad (ok, I was the one who moved abroad) and erm several friends in this city whom I see once every 6 months-ish Shock. Again, no chatting on a weekly basis just the odd email.

To be honest, although Id like more friends I dont have time. I work FT and am out 8am-7pm, then I like to see my DC and Dh. Weekends are busy too and before I know it another month has gone past with no socialising.

amigababy · 06/09/2014 14:48

Dora and Totally - and everyone else - I feel exactly the same. Just last week a friend was going to text to confirm an arrangement - but she forgot - so I was left not knowing if it was going ahead or not (it was contingent on something at her house finishing on time; I didn't mind at all if I couldn't go round, it was the fact that she completely forgot to text, so I was left dangling, not knowing what I was doing that afternoon. Sadly this happens a lot - people are flaky)
I'm fed up of it too - I can no longer be arsed, I feel like I'll just plough my own furrow.
My work colleagues are nice, and my lifestyle doesn't suit a dog (the cat wouldn't like it for a start!)

Rivercam · 06/09/2014 14:57

I realised recently that no one has nominated me for the ice bucket challenge ( not that I would have done it!). That made me feel friendless.

Lushlush · 06/09/2014 15:04

I go to Buddhist meetings and I do have one good single parent friend whom I meet up with every couple of months but apart from that have I absolutely no friends either at the school nor in this backwater town where I live. Whereas I have plenty of contacts nobody I would class as an actual 'friend'.

The problem is I really can't seeing it change easily either as although there is somewhere I would like to go to to socialise one evening a month I find it upsetting hearing how great other people's lives are when I do go out, hearing them go out to this dinner or this trip out and this weekend away etc. how on earth they can afford it is beyond me....! Perhaps they aren't single parents so they may not be on such a difficult budget having to pay for a growing child alone but even so it is rather disturbing how much I am missing out on in the world out there!

Lushlush · 06/09/2014 15:04

I would go to the local health club to get out and meet people but I just never ever have the time I really don't.

Iconfuseus · 06/09/2014 15:39

I'm the same as you OP and some of the others in this thread. I think people are really helpful when they make these suggestions - do this or do that, but while it works for some people it doesn't for others. Some of us just don't have the friend making gene.

I've tried countless things, socialising groups, toddler groups, meet up groups, mummy meet up boards several times. I've even tried setting up my own groups. You name it I've done it.

At all the mummy groups I've ever been too, everyone else seems to come to the events in pairs. They talk to each you and are polite, but are not interested in letting you in.

I've even tried the meet up boards here. I wrote a poem FFS! I got one reply but I don't think that posters been back as they didn't reply to my message.

local.mumsnet.com/Talk/local_leeds_the_friendship_bench/2097020-Im-a-stay-at-home-mum-and-Im-looking-for-fun

No one bites. I'm always the one on the outside looking in.

I misplaced my mobile phone for about 5 days recently. When I found it I had exactly 0 missed calls and texts. I felt like a real loser.

I've given up now and I find other ways to fill my time.

PoirotsMoustache · 06/09/2014 16:18

Rivercam I actually cried last weekend because nobody has nominated me for the ice bucket challenge! So sad I know but it really hit home that no one even thinks of me enough to do something like that.

Lushlush · 06/09/2014 16:30

Is there a secret standing joke about the ice bucket challenge that I simply know nothing about? Could someone enlighten me/us on this here please.....!

ithoughtofitfirst · 06/09/2014 17:23

Does your council do lifelong learning courses that you could attend like dressmaking or photography? Sometimes these are in the day. They look so fun i would do every class if i could.

I get times where i feel like this Sad but i'm really lucky to have a massive family and my mum comes over to hang out with me and ds now that she's retired. I find friends weird though, like the busier i am the more they want to do stuff but when i'm really struggling to fill my days they're nowhere to be seen! I think that might be a bit of sods law though tbh

iamdivergent · 06/09/2014 17:25

lush people nominate their friends Sad and obviously I wasn't the only one not nominated by anyone Sad

LL12 · 06/09/2014 17:40

I now have 3 good friends who I talk to quite a bit and meet up for coffee, it took me about 34 years to get this far.
I have had people over the years that I chatted to a lot at work and got on with them but were not actual friends.
My hen night consisted of my sister having to invite some of her friends along as otherwise it would have just been myself my mum and sisters.
I make a real effort to go and talk to people in new situations and ask them about themselves etc but unfortunately if our daughters are not friends and they haven't known me for years and years I get ignored the next day by them.
I really feel I am invisible to people.

BeerTricksPotter · 06/09/2014 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LL12 · 06/09/2014 17:44

Don't forget the pictures with the pouting mouths with all their 'friends' to go along with their FB comments.

Willdoitinaminute · 06/09/2014 17:51

I lost most of my 'friends' when I learnt to say no.
Funny that.

DoristheCamel · 06/09/2014 17:56

Oh yes. I am another one who gets this all the time.

I am the friend that is OK to hang out with when there is fuck all better to do and no one else worth hanging out with instead. I am the insurance friend.

Pisses me right off. I feel really crap if I have to change plans and let anyone down and I certainly would not dream of cancelling someone just because a better offer came up.