To have just realised that I have no friends

[DDDDDORA]

Four times this week I made plans (2 of them with the same person) and on all 4 occasions I have text to confirm plans to be told that they now have other plans and can we do it another time. People only chat to me when other people aren't around as soon as someone better comes along they walk away/ turn back on me.
I can't remember the last time I was invited along to anything and I always arrange things but 90% of the time people cancel or forget.
AIBU to think I must be a pretty boring person and WIBU to just give up on people altogether?

I have friends Mamita, but getting and keeping 'em wasn't as big an effort as you describe, even in the early days! But then, I'm far more selective than I used to be. I've gone into new friendship all guns blazing.
before and been bitten on the ass and then have to try and extrapolate myself from it. I let friendship happen naturally now. If it has to be worked at like a project, it's a non starter, shallow. An acquaintance not a friend.

And Mamita, you call me snarky.
I call you smug!

I didn't call YOU snarky, but if the cap fits... :)

OK everyone, disregard my post above. If you want to make new friends, best follow Meechimoo's advice of being grumpy, looking scruffy and making no effort. Let me know how that works out :)

Do you want these friends? Being tagged on fb doesn't mean friendships.

Most of my friendships require me to put 90% of work in sometimes. I have a few friends. They are worth it.

Tbh, mamita is right.

Folks like optimistic people. I used to be billy no mates but I realised people do like talking about themselves. It helps that I also find other people interesting. Don't get me wrong, my true friends are those that find me just as interesting

Its interesting to note though that a few years ago I was really down. I complained endlessly about my life and found I had no friends. I felt bitter and thought I didn't have anyone I could count on but the truth was I kinda frightened them away.

Simple things like smiling, positivity and remembering peoples names are very good advice. I also invite people to things I'm doing. Most turn up but occasionally some do.

However keep away from toxiuc people that keep cancelling. These people were just selfish.

Me to I really had to scrape the barrel to have bridesmaids and even then I only had 2 and I only had 30 people at my wedding at most of them were friends of friends to make up the numbers

I think people are misunderstanding AyM. You don't need to do all that when you're already friends, it's more how to turn a friendly acquaintance into a friend.

Loads of people post and say they've got lots of friendly acquaintances but no real friends.

Once you find a real common interest, you click (that is important) and show the other person they matter to you (remember events, facts about them, invite them places etc) it creates the opportunity for a real friendship to develop. Well, it's obviously still important to do the remembering events/info bit.

Developing new friendships takes effort and time. Even the few people I've instantly clicked with have required some 'work' fo get it off the ground.

Aym What does your appearance have to do with making friends? If somebody liked me more because I dressed nicely and was pretty I would not be impressed. That is terribly shallow. I couldn't give the tiniest shite what my friends look like.

Reading this thread makes me realise how lucky I am as I make and keep friends easily - I am not really sure why but have been thinking about why that is. I think being good at socialising is a skill like any other - some are naturally good at it, and some have to work at it a bit more. I can see that even with my own 4 kids as for some of them it seems effortless, and others it is harder work. I am quite a chatterbox, but if I really like someone I am not shy at inviting them to do something with me - if I think we click then I invite them to do something again and then it just naturally builds from there usually, or fizzles if the connection isn't as strong as we both thought.

I have had to learn recently to let go of friendships though where people are flaky and unreliable. I am lucky that it took me 40 years to experience someone like that and it was very confusing to me, but those types of people are just way too hard work for me. Friendships should be mutually beneficial and easy for the most part I think.

You make some good suggestions Aym. However, I think calling posters on this thread, who are obviously feeling down, whiney and self-pitying, while going on at length about how amazing you are at making friends, was possibly not the most tactful approach?

AYMamita what perfume do you wear please?

I want to make 2015 the year I make a friend but its very hard when you have a disability that impacts upon your social activities :( I have acquaintances with similar disabilities through disability groups but none live close enough.

I just really want a friend I can hang out with or moan to when I need a moan.

I have often felt the same as the OP in the past. Everyone else seems to have a bestie, and although I have plenty of friends and socialise all the time, I highly doubt that any of my friends would class me as their best friend (and I too didn't get nominated for the ice bucket thingy, I never get nominated for anything!!)

However in the past year or so, having seen other people fall out dramatically with friends and getting so close that the friendship self-combusts, I think that I actually prefer being friends with lots of people but keeping everybody at arm's length. It means less drama, no fall outs, I don't feel guilty if I cancel on someone or if I can't help them with something that they ask me to, and it means that I put myself first, as actually I don't much care these days whether people like me or not. It's actually quite fun being superficial friends with everyone but not having to get involved in any fall outs or other issues.

This all happened quite organically and wasn't really planned as such, however I have actually noticed in recent months that friends do tend to chase me more now and ask me to meet up and to do things. I guess I just feel more at ease now in my own company.

also mumsnet local is sh*te - nothing for my area

perhaps we could have a thread where everyone posts where they are

I really have no RL friends :(
We moved areas 2 years ago and the mums seem really cliquey, I try smiling and saying 'hi' but nothing.
I like to think I look quite normal and friendly.

I really miss my old area and would move back in a heartbeat if the dc weren't so settled at their new schools.

I had depression about 2/3 yrs ago which I'd say lasted until roughly the beginning of last year. It took someone who wasn't a 'friend' to gently spot it and keep telling me I might need some help.

In that time I have pretty much lost/pushed away all of my friends. I'd say the only person that stuck around was my DH which obviously I'm ETERNALLY grateful for but it's made me realise now that I really don't have any friends. In fact my 'best-friend' didn't even include me in anything related to her wedding and it just made me realise how things were.

It's a sobering thought but I was ill - now 7m pregnant and struggling just a little with being down I feel like I have no-one to turn to.... and in some cases it isn't for lack of trying so I can sympathise with those that feel a bit friend-less.

....not sure what my point is, but I guess it isn't always as easy as AyMamita says and I wish I could be more like that

Totally relate to these posts. I used to have a group of friends but they've all moved away from the area now for various reasons and all I get is a text on my birthday, if that and these friends haven't really been replaced.

Since becoming a SAHM I've met lots of mums but things never seem to go much beyond small talk about the children. They're just not real friends who care about how I am.

It's been very reassuring to know I'm not alone. I made the decision to come off Facebook and I've since realised how much worse it was making me feel. I went on there to feel less lonely but the opposite happened - everyone seemed to be having more fun and enjoying more friends than me. I do feel better now my head is free of the clutter of all these fake lives that I really didn't care about and now I can focus a bit more on my own life.

I long for a friend who I meet up with for coffee, who makes me laugh when I'm down and comes and helps when my child is ill or whatever. I just haven't met anyone I feel that easy connection with - all I have is my dh but I'm grateful for him and his friendship gets me through most things.

I try and get out as much as possible - some human contact, however limited, is better than none and am hoping to one day find the time when dd is older to take up a hobby and maybe meet people that way. It's harder the older you get but we have to keep hoping that if we are open to new friendships then eventually someone amazing will find us and see how fabulous we are!!

I am also a proud member of the no -ice-in-my-bucket club!!!

This is so sad - you all sound like such nice, kind hearted people.

I have just posted on a similar thread about my DD who is having difficulties with friendships. She thought she had made a group of friends at her new school (6th form) and had invited them over for new year's eve. At the last minute they all cancelled, leaving her alone, while they all went off to other parties.

Just like the OP she is left feeling sad, lonely and wondering what is wrong with her.

I don't know the answer. Some people seem naturally more at ease in social situations, seem to be able to make friends easily, while the rest of us struggle a bit.

I do think some people are just thoughtless and a bit selfish.

It is devastating to find that the people you thought were your friends actually don't give a toss about you.

I would have been horrified if anyone had nominated me for the Ice Bucket Challenge!
I have 26 friends on FB. I know them all. Some of them are on the other side of the world and it is a good way of keeping in touch.
The two people who are always posting about their social life are someone who was widowed in her fifties, who, despite her undoubtedly active social life, I wouldn't swap places with. The other is someone who left her DH and DS to live with a new partner and has probably got issues relating to this. FB isn't a true reflection of people's lives.

My facebook has old work colleagues on. We were friendly at work, lunches etc but 2 years down the line when we had all promised we would stay in touch etc and I haven't seen any but 1 of them in the last 3 months. Facebook isn't a true reflection of life anyway.

Making friends is difficult at the best of times. Some people can do it without thinking, others have social anxiety and it becomes a hurdle.

One of my resolutions this year is to get out more and socialise because when you work from home it's incredibly isolating.

However I did enquire about joining a book club - they closed the next week.
I also joined my town's MeetUp group - the next month the leader stepped down and the group folded. Maybe it's me...

MayI I have PM'd you

I don't think I was being tactless although you are of course entitled to your opinion. I just quite often see these threads where posters lament their lack of popularity/difficulty in making friends/loneliness without seeming to think that they might need to make some changes to improve things. I know some people have issues outside their control that limit their social prospects (frankie80 and MooMaid I really feel for you and others who are restricted by disability, mental or physical illness, lack of childcare etc and end up feeling lonely). However, I get the impression that many people who post on these threads are out and about most days and are lonely despite being surrounded by people, because they find it hard to build up acquaintances into friends or become included in established groups. Some posters on this thread state that they don't have the problem of loneliness/too few friends, but haven't offered any concrete advice to those who do because they've focused on criticising me! I just thought I could offer some practical tips for everyday social situations, at work, school gate etc. but if I've been insensitive, I'm sorry.

I think I have one friend. That's really all I need. I have loads of acquaintances.

I agree with meechimo. Friendships are better when they happen slowly and naturally. I moved from the UK ten years ago. It was hard starting up again in my 40s. But I tend to befriend the loners and the geeks as I have always found a natural affiliation with such characters. I have had problems with loud showy off types in the past who have enjoyed bossing me around. I am far more discerning now and have a small group of friends two of whom are really good mates. In the past I was over enthusiastic and would throw myself at people like an over eager puppy. I've joined a fitness club a farmer's market and have enough social contact outside my own family. I found a change of attitude helped me to make friends. First it's the fake it til you make it thinking. Just believe that you're worthy of love and friendship. Tell yourself this daily and smile at people and show interest in them. The friendships will come. Listen to a guy called Wayne dyer you'll find him on YouTube his book your erroneous zones is uploaded. It's a treasure and helped me a lot.

I'm like how FigWig described. I too came off Facebook, fed up with the fake ness of it all & it's so liberating, even 6 months on.

Daily Fail on Sunday magazine had an article in it JOMO - joy of missing out instead of FOMO - fear of missing out. I'm def a JOMO & not a social climber.

A group of 'friends' started isolating me, not inviting me to things & I know who are responsible for it but the lack of backbone from the others annoyed me more. Who needs friends like that?

I now only invest in a couple of close friends & have a few acquaintances. It suits me for now.

I do worry about how I will spend time / get support when my Parents are gone as I'm very close to them & spend a lot of spare time with them. But not enough to be friends with people who treat me like shit.

Mamita makes some excellent points. I moved into this area after I got married and when I had dc1 and went on mat leave, it hit me that I was lonely and knew no one in the area.
I joined baby groups, post natal excercise classes, local mums sites and did what a lot of what Mamita suggests. I do now have quite a few friends in the area. I like doing things and going out so often suggest outings and day trips with kids. I love time out with only adults so suggest meals out, comedy nights, local theatre, cinema.
I hate small talk but learnt to smile and ask questions. I always try to be upbeat and positive in social situations and moan only to close friends when the need arises.
I've learnt to listen to people without always offering my opinion or suggestion. I used to think that when people moaned, they needed solutions but they don't.
Looking your best and smiling a lot definitely helps as far as first impressions go. You definitely don't need to be a supermodel but if you feel you look good, It helps with your confidence so that comes through in conversation.

I am not a social climber and am not well liked I am very boaring I don't like small talk as I don't really even have any I suffer with bouts of depression

I also hate the school gate mafia never got anything out of if and I do feel my son suffered eg parties eg by me not being more social I have one friend

I don't do anything much so I have nothing to talk about really ever heat gives me migraines so I am not much fun in the summer

I am very difficult and gernally don't have much to add