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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just realised that I have no friends

300 replies

DDDDDORA · 12/06/2014 21:41

Four times this week I made plans (2 of them with the same person) and on all 4 occasions I have text to confirm plans to be told that they now have other plans and can we do it another time. People only chat to me when other people aren't around as soon as someone better comes along they walk away/ turn back on me.
I can't remember the last time I was invited along to anything and I always arrange things but 90% of the time people cancel or forget.
AIBU to think I must be a pretty boring person and WIBU to just give up on people altogether?

OP posts:
HauntedNoddyCar · 06/09/2014 19:11

I understand about the befriending parents of your dc's friends and some of them yes are the nodding at friends or exchanging pleasantries. But some of them seem to like me and we have nice chats and if I suggest meeting up they seem pleased and keen. Until the sudden cancellation.
And every time I grin and bear it because if I call them out on it then what? Dd struggles with social as it is. So do I obviously.
I wonder if people just think I'm soft or won't mind because I seem confident and busy. But who would want to prop up the real me?

lanbro · 06/09/2014 19:16

I met my closest friends through Netmums! Also met a few non-starters but you have to put yourself out there! If you'renorth-east youre welcome to join ourmerry band.

Sorry for errors, stupid phone!

Nerf · 06/09/2014 21:57

Will set the group up - thank you for the pmWink - and report back

kelper · 06/09/2014 22:05

I met most of my friends through ivillage, back before FB took over the world…. I shall PM you my name Nerf :)

Rebecca2014 · 06/09/2014 22:09

I have no friends either. When I did have the courage to go baby groups and try make friends, an lady totally messed me about and reminded me why I always closed myself off to people.

Nerf · 06/09/2014 22:09

Brill - can't do anything tonight as on mobile will do it tomorrow on PC

emnn · 06/09/2014 22:13

Marking place. I do have some friends but if I am honest probably none that I could 100% rely on if I needed them. I am often the time-filler friend; friends come to see me to kill an hour when they have nothing better to do

BorisJohnsonsHair · 06/09/2014 22:14

Sorry to hear you feel like that OP, although I am much the same too. If it's not too much of a thread hijack, can I ask out of interest if any of you lonely people are only children? I am, and often feel like that's one of the reasons I don't have many friends (clutches at straws Grin)

2old2beamum · 06/09/2014 22:19

I am so much older than you lot Grin and despite having young children
(16-9) I am 71 most of my friends are now retired and only have time for themselves. DH and I are too busy with our 5 with SN (3 now adults) to leap on buses using our bus passes (another rant) holding hands and snogging.

I have one like minded friend who lives 35 miles away and has a SN son so meet ups are rare. One other couple who are the same era as birth children.
I am so lonely

Sorry just joining in!!

NotALondoner · 06/09/2014 22:24

I often feel lonely and I'm an only child.Confused

Achooblessyou · 06/09/2014 22:27

"I used to get really upset about it but then I realised that worth is not defined by the number of friends you have. Some people are really great at having friends and some just aren't. I'm just not good at it, so I don't really try that much any more."

This is a really good outlook. I often feel it's socially unacceptable to be socially unacceptable!

Nice to know there's lots of nice people who find it as difficult as I do.

ThatSmellsLikePoo · 06/09/2014 22:37

I have got a friend. Just the one though! Have you started the FB page?

Nerf · 06/09/2014 22:41

Am going to set up a group - needed someone to start it by inviting them, so doing it tomorrow x

ItsMyFuckingWedding · 06/09/2014 22:49

I have PMed you Nerf

chocolatespiders · 06/09/2014 23:11

I have 2 friends at work both over 50 so they like to do child free things so. I only see them at work. Weekends I only do things with my children - I worry that if they don't see me having friendships then they will also struggle!

PurpleAlert · 07/09/2014 00:02

I have pm ed you Nerf

Lushlush · 07/09/2014 04:49

BorisJohnson I have known only children who have plenty of friends. I don't think it comes down to that. Whereas I am an only child and don't have many friends I simply don't need umpteen friends and prefer to remain fussy and selective. I find that works better. I don't have many true friends where I live as I don't have social opportunities to mix owing to my job being at home, and also there is no family support (parents deceased) and no access from the ex (due to his violence to ds).

If I had social opportunites I would have more friends it is the lifestyle that is the problem and short of finding money out of nowhere for babysitters I know there is no opportunity to mix until ds is way older.

ohdearitshappeningtome · 07/09/2014 05:08

I found out who my friends were as soon as I went on maternity leave!! They were all fab when I had baby and then suddenly nothing! Always me making effort trying to arrange stuff on their day off trying to fit in with them! Replies come as one word answers or I'll get back to u, but nothing occurs!

I invited a person I did call a friend now I realise is only a colleague whom when I thought as a friend asked her to be godmother to my son, she said to me that oh lots of people want to come,
I explained numbers etc that I couldn't accommodate all these work colleagues, I realise now she wanted safety in numbers and it was about her and not my sons baptism! I regarded her as a close friend but don't anymore! My son is 5months old nearly and has seen this person I've asked to be godmother three times! She won't ever come to my house I have to go to hers !

As much as it's lonely sometimes it's easier to be alone: no hurt,
No disappointment

perthmom · 07/09/2014 07:01

I'm 45 and have never had loads of friends. I'm quiet and reserved and not very socially confident. I had two close friends at school who I lost touch with when I moved from UK to Australia. I had aquaintances rather than friends at work. Now I work from home I tend not to meet new people. I currently have two friends who are the mums of my son's friends. I wouldn't call them really close friends and don't think I would call on them in a crisis. More of a casual morning coffee friendship. I did have a great close friendship with one other mum years ago, unfortunately she's moved to another state and I really miss having that close friendship. I will join your group if you start one.

fcukip · 07/09/2014 07:07

I am an only child. Growing up I was socially awkward and bullied at my local comp. I used to envy the popular kids.

At 14 I made a conscious effort to change. Now I am very sociable and have lots going on. By my own choice though I have limited friends ad I want to nurture those relationships.

It's a skill that can be learnt.

  1. use CBT. They aren't cancelling on you because they dislike you. The friendship building blocks need to grow. Persist with arrangements. I tend to do most of the organising. I'm also viewed as the organiser though and parents often text me to see if anything is on.
  2. Be open about yourself but don't be too moany. I find people who are always 'my life is so perfect. ' a bit cold and conversation doesn't move very far. Tell a funny anecdote about your DC playing up or an embarrassing moment at work. However if you burden an acquaintance with too much too soon they often escape. I have an acquaintance who always tells me she has no friends. I find her difficult to be around as she's judgemental and always complaining. She also only visits me on her terms. Other mothers who've told me they find it hard to meet other mum friends have been warm and friendly. So my biggest advice? You need to make most of the effort at first and then be thick skinned if plans fall through. Nine times out of ten its not personal.
fcukip · 07/09/2014 07:12

Re the only child thing.

There's more of them about now. And the onlies I know are confident, outgoing kids. I also know introverted kids that are in large families.

I do think that being an only shaped my personality but it was and is my choice to work on my social skills. See it as a skill, like dancing, that needs to be honed.

EvenFlo · 07/09/2014 07:23

There seems to be quite a lot of us. Maybe we could start a little group? Even virtual friends might be nice...
I'm happy to organise a big email list?

EvenFlo · 07/09/2014 07:39

Whoops, I seemed to have somehow missed the posts already about started about a group!
Can I join??

Nerf · 07/09/2014 07:51

Thanks for the pmsSmile
I will try to find you on Facebook to add you to the group and any problems I will pm my Facebook name and you can find me.

Lagoonablue · 07/09/2014 07:54

I tend to take people as I find them now. I think as you get older your friendships are less intense anyway. The friendships you have in your teens and twenties are quite full on and you see a lot of each other. Partners, work and children take up a lot of time and it is sometimes hard to fit people in.

I have a couple of really good friends from university but only really see them once in a blue moon as they live on different cities.

I have people I made friends with at work and stay in touch with them when I move jobs. A couple I made at ante natal and a couple I made via my DCs. I might only see them once a month or something though out for a meal or a drink. I just don't have the time for anything more full on..