to just want a couple of weeks in peace with my newborn babies?

[moscowflyer]

Sorry this is long. Have NC for this to hopefully avoid being outed by family members given posts under usual name! Plus am a bit embarrassed as have been ridiculously smug about this issue in previous posts- telling other posters to do as I have done (oh, am eating those words now…)

I thought I had it all sorted. I'm almost full-term with twins (first babies). DH and I live in a different country from my parents and his parents (3 different countries). I'm due to have a C-section in two days. We thought long and hard about the issue and decided months ago that we would have more than enough to do with two new babies and that we would ask both sets of grandparents to hold off on visiting us for a few weeks until we got ourselves sorted and under control.

We explained to everybody (nicely) AGES ago that things would be very different if we all lived in the same country but that things become much more complicated when long haul flights are involved. We explained that we won't have the time or the resources to be looking after them. We live in a two-bedroom apartment so technically we do have room but we have hired a night nanny for a couple of weeks to help us both through the nights with 2 babies so the 2nd bedroom is in fact the nursery. Plus I imagine this little house is going to be utterly crazy in terms of round-the-clock care and will be totally unsuitable for visitors for at least a few weeks after Monday.

We just got a phone call from FIL this morning announcing that MIL intends to get on a plane to visit us on the 14th of June. This will mean she will be arriving to stay with us the day after we get home from hospital. Poor DH has tried to negotiate an extra week and FIL has gone off to try to put her off until the 21st. We're waiting to see if she agrees. The message we have got is that if we don't let her come she will feel as if "her son and daughter in law don't want her".

This is going to cause quite a lot of upset with my side of the family. My own mother is quite miffed that SHE was asked to postpone her visit and has been going around telling everyone at home that "she was told not to come because Moscow said she'd only be a burden". Totally untrue, but my own mother is terrifically high-maintenance and attention-seeking. My poor DF will have to deal with a gigantic tantrum if she hears MIL is staying with us: and they may very well decide that it's open season and they're getting on a plane too…

I may also be in trouble because we deliberately didn't tell my parents when the C-section was scheduled, primarily because I didn't trust them not to pull a stunt and turn up for the birth. (They think I'm due next week.) DH insisted on telling his folks the date because he assured me that they wouldn't do anything as unreasonable as jumping on a plane at short notice (he's looking a little shamefaced this morning…)

Luckily DH and I are happy and solid and able to laugh (a tad hysterically) about it- we will deal with it as it comes. I'm choosing to see the funny side, and have been telling the (still inside me) babies that they are clearly rock stars given that they have groupies who are so desperate to see them they defy all barriers!

But I did say to DH just now- what IS it about our respective sets of parents? They're all desperate to come and "help" but they won't actually help at all when they're here (we know this very well- they will need more looking after than the goddam babies) and even if they make the odd cup of tea (unlikely) a week-long visit is hardly going to be of any real "help" in the general scheme of things. They don't seem to see that the "visits" are actually ALL ABOUT THEM rather than us.

AIBU to just want a couple of weeks to ourselves to get used to this massive life change, to get a rhythm and some sort of routine sorted, (and to get myself healed after a C-section) before we have to entertain visitors?

Any advice welcome- we probably can't change the situation but advice on damage limitation/coping would be great!

PILs kindly invited themselves for a visit about a week after DD2 was born, there was no way of stopping them. I basically ignored them, told them it was customary for me to stay in bed with the baby for at least 2 weeks and let dh deal with it. I am a bit hazy on the details, I think they stayed with us rather than in a hotel, but our apartment was big enough to accommodate all of us. I think I made it pretty clear that the bathroom was mine, they were free to use the guest toilet. I joined them for dinner most nights, no idea who made it, I surely didn't.

MorningTimes I am 38 weeks (yay! we have really been so incredibly lucky to keep them inside for this long.) So fingers crossed they will not need extra time in hospital.

Quintessentially you shouldn't be making me laugh like that- I'm going to rip more abdominal muscles. That experience sounds like a fantastic idea for a sitcom.

Oh thank you everybody for contributing- all the anecdotes and advice (and witty comments) are very helpful- except for Soontobesix who has somehow decided that I'm spoilt and that I'm misjudging the helpfulness of the GPs, despite not knowing the (difficult) personalities at all!

DH and I have had another chat and we're looking into a hotel very near us which might just be a solution- MIL could walk there from our place. She might be very upset about this but if she's going to insist on coming it may well be the only option. He's also going to check just how long she will stay- it may only be a few days as she has to work. (Then she'd come back in a few weeks with FIL but at least we would be a bit more settled then.)

leggingsarenottrousers you may have hit on one of my anxieties. MIL is very highly educated and has many strong (but very outdated) views on pregnancy, birth and childcare. DH normally fields all of her advice as he speaks to her more often than I do. He ignores it all and never passes it on to me. However he's just confessed that we'll have to hide the microwave steriliser while she is here because she is completely against them (you should have SEEN my face when he said "she doesn't trust gamma rays"…) and he told her weeks ago that we didn't have one and had no intention of buying them. I am actually giggling as I type this- but it might not end up being quite so funny if she really does try to muscle in and boss us around. Especially, as you say, if I'm really feeling very vulnerable and shaky after everything.

In answer to your question on why they need to be there at the very beginning:

• It's because it is the most precious, amazing, magical time. They know, because they had it with their own babies. The first few days are so personal, so precious. You never get them back.

And that's why grandparents who happen to be selfish people want to steal those days from you.

And that's why so many women who only realised later why they'd bulldozed in so defiantly, and what is was they were actually after, hate their inlaws/parents with such a passion afterwards. Because they see with hindsight what they lost.

Say no, if you value all your family relationships.

My good friend had this with her first. She blames her MIL entirely for her daughter's failure to breastfeed. Listening to the way her MIL got between her and her child in the firswt few days, she was right.

They now see the inlaws as little as possible. Three years later, my friend has really not got over it. Her MIL will never have the relationships she could have had if she'd resisted the temptation to try and relive her own newborn days. Her fault, and entirely deserved.

Say no to them coming until YOU are ready.

Just to throw in my tuppence worth-my DM was always a miserable so and so, critical, condescending and really not pleasant to be around-I jumped ship as soon as I could. I really didn't want her around with my new DS but as the DGM felt she had to be. I was gob smacked to see how good she was with the baby-so completely natural and nurturing, helpful and useful!! She's back to being a miserable old cow now the DCs are older! So you may be suprised at how the GPs behave with the arrival of the babies-after all they did it once themselves!

Oh BrunoBrookes that last post of yours sent a chill down my spine.

I really feel for you, I know that you will get loads of people telling you to just stop them coming. It won't happen, they will come, be a pita, and you will want to kill them. Cultural differences are impossible to compromise on when new babies arrive.- as Lunar said it's sometimes impossible to keep people away.

If it does happen, I'm going to take a leaf out of ContinentalKat's book and lock myself away with the babies for as much time as possible.

I know it's not the point of the thread but Can I ask the poster who said the mum is more important than mil to explain?

I can understand making decisions according to past behaviour of people but I don't quite understand how giving birth to a girl makes you more important when it comes to grandchildren.

Maybe you could book a twin room somewhere for mum and mil! Has she actually said where she plans to sleep?

'Thats very sweet mother in law, of you coming to help with the cooking and cleaning etc, but we really DO just want a couple of weeks to establish routines. Then of course all the family are welcome to visit.'

And repeat.

You ask for a grandma's pov. my ds and his dw live in Turkey. I was invited to go there a week before the CS and to stay for 3 weeks after. ddil's mum lived very close. We were all at the hospital when dgd was born and my ddil handed me the baby about 15 minutes after the birth. I was asked to do the first bath at home too and we have a hilarious dvd of dil's mum and me with dgd. BUT I was invited and wouldn't have gone uninvited.
Dd lives near me and I saw dgs1 about 30 minutes after the birth and dgs2 was brought to me on the way from the hospital [I had a broken leg]. I always waited to be invited :) my dsteps all invited us soon after the births.
OP YANBU at all but the hotel option is the only viable one. Your dh needs to be firm with his parents.You should give your dp a date to come.Fwiw I would have been a bit miffed id dd's mil had visited before me but that is my silliness.It didn't happen

Op is not telling grandparents not to come happy, but to give her and her new family a couple of weeks space whilst they get adjusted to their changed circumstances. Totally reasonable. If after they still book flights do not pick them up from the airport, let them make their own arrangements.

Yes book her into that hotel definitely, you don't have room for her anyway!

Totally agree with you BrunoBrookes - most of this is some selfish thing with women wanting to recapture their own days with a newborn. It's never about what's best for the baby or the mother.

Of course there are some great grandparents who come and stay so they can help and offer support but if the OP's parents and PILs are sulking and ignoring her wishes already, it doesn't bode well.

moscow: I would not underestimate the situation you might create by letting your MIL of all people see the baby before your DM! I had that situation and it almost ruined my relationship with my mother. We lived in DH's home country at the time, my parents lived in my home country and like your MIL are not self-sufficient, expected to be driven around, stay at the house etc. So I asked my parents to hold off on visiting for 2 or 3 weeks until we were in better shape to host a visit. I asked them to travel over with my sister so there would be someone around to 'mind' them while they were over.

Then I stupidly let slip to my DM about my PILs visit 5 days after the birth. She immediately went and booked flights and they arrived a week after the birth. I was struggling with bf and exhausted. It was terrible timing. My PILs had stayed in a hotel nearby, cooked us food, looked after the baby for a few hours so we could sleep and they were only there for 2 days. My parents wanted to stay a week, did nothing to help , sat in our living room just staring at us, giving us no space at all. I had to go and hide every time I wanted to bf because it would have made them uncomfortable. Nightmare! I still blame them for messing up my start to bf because I was having a lot of problems and they just made it all worse.

In the end, my mother blew up at me anyway, full of rage and jealousy that my MIL saw the baby first. They both just lost the rag at me and said I was excluding them and snubbing them, insulted DH and his family etc. DH was furious and still won't speak to them now because of it.

It was so stressful. So I would say: if you're caving in to your MIL then you need to let your DM visit too or else be prepared for ructions. Definitely book that hotel nearby though instead of having anyone to stay. Just make a booking and brook no opposition if she objects. It's a tough situation but don't underestimate the potential for conflict here! I thought I would just ignore sulks, grit my teeth and get through the visit but it all blew up in my face anyway...

Thank you all again for your replies. I've phoned the hotel nearby and actually their rates are very good. I've spoken to DH and we've agreed that even though MIL might have an issue, there simply isn't another option for her accommodation.

I'm still a bit petrified though- bear in mind that the last communication with them was this morning where DH asked FIL to put off MIL from the 14th to the 21st. We are now assuming that she will agree to this though we haven't heard anything yet. I'm not happy even about the 21st- fgs the babies will still be only 12 days old!- but at least that gives us a week after we get home from hospital to get ourselves together.

However, if the nightmare scenario returns and she insists on the 14th- the day we get out of hospital- I will have to just say NO. Absolutely not. Under no circumstances.

Though how DO you deal with this- how do you tell someone to stay away? We've already asked nicely and now we've asked firmly- if we are disregarded again, we can't physically stop her getting on a plane. We can't stop her turning up on the doorstep (she knows where we live, she's been here before)- it would be so upsetting!

Oh, now I'm getting slightly grumbly that this is what's occupying my head just 36 hours before the C-section!

You deal with it thus:

'Thats very sweet mother in law, of you coming to help with the cooking and cleaning etc, but we really DO just want a couple of weeks to establish routines. Then of course all the family are welcome to visit.'

She's been to your place before.... Where does she think she will be sleeping this time?

What about your own mum? Has MIL asked?

She can only be in the same room as you if you tell her where you are, when you are there and let her in. I know it's not that simple, but at the same time it is as easy as that.

She can't insist on the 14th if you insist that she can't come. If it comes down to a battle of wills, then you're just going to have to be tougher than her.

Sadly OP it is true.

My friend hates her MIL with a hatred that could melt steel.

She's due her second baby in a month or so.

PIL will not be seeing the baby for quite some time after the birth I imagine.

It literally almost split up her and her H. Awful.

You DO just have to be tougher - in the knowledge that you don't want to end up hating them! Throw a wobbly, do whatever it takes.

I haven't got time to read the whole thread so sorry if I'm not adding anything new! I'm a mum of twins, who had a c section in a small flat. Your mother in law staying with you will be very difficult unless she is very relaxed about personal space. You will be getting very very little sleep and be elated/ depressed/ angry/ happy/ over the moon/ murderous all in the space of half an hour. This can be very hard for extended family to cope with! Also breast feeding twins is a very exposed thing, wonderful, difficult but you feel very like a cow and not very much like a Madonna and child. Personally I had to breast feed on the sofa, it was the only place the breast feeding cushion could fit. I sat their for weeks with my breasts out and my partner delivering food. Any guests stayed in the kitchen.
The only thing I can offer as advice are: ban cameras and videos that include you. There are dreadful videos of me I would love to delete still doing circulation....
Also it may not be the same for you but the one person I needed was my mum. She was the one person who could cope with my new moodiness and help me breast feed.
Good luck. Having twins is the best thing ever! It's so much fun watching them grow up together. And having a c section is lovely... I was so worried about it and it was so easy, and painless, and you get a catheter! For the first time in months you don't have to wee every 40 mins

Congratulations Moscow

How exciting, two lush smelling, ikle cuddly newborns....

God I'd be tempted to let Pils and parents stay at yours and YOU check into a hotel with a joint room for night nanny and room service on tap

So when's your Mum coming over??

OP, do do do stick to your guns do make sure MIL and others stay in a hotel. There is so much good advice here about personal space and what state your hormones might be in be in, never mind the stress of bf/feeding in general. My MIL is an ex midwife and stayed with us straight home from hospital because of that but was of no use at all, just wanted to coo. Was useless at helping me try to bf and rather than admit that it was out of her expertise just tried to dissuade me from trying at all. The second morning home she complained that I hadn't woken her when I fed dd during the night, she was really put out and she said she missed her….. I was incredulous, I thought the point was that as mum I was supposed to feed the baby, I was expecting a well done you, not poor poor me!
An earlier poster suggested GPs are so greedy for the first contact because they know how special it is, I really think there is something in this but it's yours and DHs turn now. Taking some time to sort your bearings makes perfect perfect sense, you will be all the better for it.
Not long to go now, very best of luck and congratulations!

You're too nice. My response to all this would be, "I said visitors were not welcome until x date. That means you cannot stay here, or visit. Feel free to visit the country, but we won't be opening the door to you until xam on x date." End of. They don't own you, or the children.

Agreed. You are too nice. People are usually that's how other people manage to manipulate and get away with so much.

If it were me I'd have spoken to her this morning and said no outright, no asking would she accept so and so. It's your home fgs ! It's not up to her when YOU receive visitors.

I'm sorry to disappoint but we will not be having visitors if any kind til ...date. If you want to come before then you will have to stay in a hotel and go site seeing until .... Date.