to just want a couple of weeks in peace with my newborn babies?

[moscowflyer]

Sorry this is long. Have NC for this to hopefully avoid being outed by family members given posts under usual name! Plus am a bit embarrassed as have been ridiculously smug about this issue in previous posts- telling other posters to do as I have done (oh, am eating those words now…)

I thought I had it all sorted. I'm almost full-term with twins (first babies). DH and I live in a different country from my parents and his parents (3 different countries). I'm due to have a C-section in two days. We thought long and hard about the issue and decided months ago that we would have more than enough to do with two new babies and that we would ask both sets of grandparents to hold off on visiting us for a few weeks until we got ourselves sorted and under control.

We explained to everybody (nicely) AGES ago that things would be very different if we all lived in the same country but that things become much more complicated when long haul flights are involved. We explained that we won't have the time or the resources to be looking after them. We live in a two-bedroom apartment so technically we do have room but we have hired a night nanny for a couple of weeks to help us both through the nights with 2 babies so the 2nd bedroom is in fact the nursery. Plus I imagine this little house is going to be utterly crazy in terms of round-the-clock care and will be totally unsuitable for visitors for at least a few weeks after Monday.

We just got a phone call from FIL this morning announcing that MIL intends to get on a plane to visit us on the 14th of June. This will mean she will be arriving to stay with us the day after we get home from hospital. Poor DH has tried to negotiate an extra week and FIL has gone off to try to put her off until the 21st. We're waiting to see if she agrees. The message we have got is that if we don't let her come she will feel as if "her son and daughter in law don't want her".

This is going to cause quite a lot of upset with my side of the family. My own mother is quite miffed that SHE was asked to postpone her visit and has been going around telling everyone at home that "she was told not to come because Moscow said she'd only be a burden". Totally untrue, but my own mother is terrifically high-maintenance and attention-seeking. My poor DF will have to deal with a gigantic tantrum if she hears MIL is staying with us: and they may very well decide that it's open season and they're getting on a plane too…

I may also be in trouble because we deliberately didn't tell my parents when the C-section was scheduled, primarily because I didn't trust them not to pull a stunt and turn up for the birth. (They think I'm due next week.) DH insisted on telling his folks the date because he assured me that they wouldn't do anything as unreasonable as jumping on a plane at short notice (he's looking a little shamefaced this morning…)

Luckily DH and I are happy and solid and able to laugh (a tad hysterically) about it- we will deal with it as it comes. I'm choosing to see the funny side, and have been telling the (still inside me) babies that they are clearly rock stars given that they have groupies who are so desperate to see them they defy all barriers!

But I did say to DH just now- what IS it about our respective sets of parents? They're all desperate to come and "help" but they won't actually help at all when they're here (we know this very well- they will need more looking after than the goddam babies) and even if they make the odd cup of tea (unlikely) a week-long visit is hardly going to be of any real "help" in the general scheme of things. They don't seem to see that the "visits" are actually ALL ABOUT THEM rather than us.

AIBU to just want a couple of weeks to ourselves to get used to this massive life change, to get a rhythm and some sort of routine sorted, (and to get myself healed after a C-section) before we have to entertain visitors?

Any advice welcome- we probably can't change the situation but advice on damage limitation/coping would be great!

You are quite reasonable. If you have a two bed flat, then you and partner in one room, nanny in the other and babies probably in both at various points, then where exactly does she plan to sleep?
Also, what is she going to do if, (fingers crossed you dont), you have to stay in hospital for a few days post birth? She'll have to be somewhat self-sufficient or she'll starve. If she reckons she can cope with this eventuality then she can stay in a hotel and pay for taxis either way.

YANBU at all. I've not had twins but when I had DS4 by c-section he was in NICU which made things more complicated. Because we were separated, it was more obvious that it was the baby that everyone wanted to see, not me which in my hormonal state really upset me. DH's step-nan managed to sneak into scbu and see DS4 but she didn't even phone me or ask DH if I'd like her to visit. These days if someone I know has a baby it's the mum I pay most attention to as post birth is the time you are at your most vulnerable I think.

You will be having major surgery on Monday and will be looking after 2 babies. If you'd had your appendix out you wouldn't be expected to play hostess this soon so you shouldn't have to now. You're the mum, it's your turn to call the shots. I'm sure when your twins have babies you will respect their wishes.

Siblings are an entirely different matter. Although it's not relevant to the op as these are her first babies I thought I'd add that although I've wanted other visitors to stay away I've always wanted my other dc's to be around as much as possible. Mind you my dc were always more interested in seeing me than the new baby anyway, although that might have been because I had chocolates by my bed and ds4 didn't .

You're just going to have to say no, aren't you?

Tell her if she insists on coming, it has to be after the 21st and there is no space for her to stay at your flat and your DH will be too busy to drive her back and forth from her hotel.

If she throws a tantrum, ignore it. Don't reward the bad behaviour. It will be good practice for parenting toddlers.

YANBU, from a purely practical point of view, where is she going to sleep, as both bedrooms will be occupied.
I do understand grandparents being excited, but a couple of weeks to yourselves seems a small thing to ask, especially when photos can be sent, Skype can be used etc, until they see the real thing.
Let DH deal with his parents, since he was sure this wouldn't cause an issue. As someone said upthread, if she can get international flights, she can cope with taxis between the hotel and your home.
Best of luck, and every good wish with the new arrivals.

Feesh I have twins, had a crash CS, also had a toddler and a husband who went back to work after 3 days. I also had a toxic MIL. So I totally understand.
And I STILL think it's totally unreasonable to ban grandparents. If uou already have s fractured, difficult relationship why damage it further ? Many shit parents turn out to be decent grand parents.
I wonder how you will all feel in years to come when you are the ones being banned from seeing your newborn grand children ? Gransnet will be BUZZING with evil DIL stories

Just tell them then that they can come but they will have to go to a hotel as there is no spare room and they will have to use taxis. Stand your ground but compromise as you are a little unreasonable.

Being asked to wait a couple of weeks is hardly banning is it? That sounds a bit melodramatic.

YABU telling them not to come especially if one set of gp's come and the other doesn't. YANBU by telling them to stay in a hotel or guest house. You can't be expected to put people up at this time. I think this banning people from the house is a bit mean and selfish. Even though I understand why people do but it's not kind.

Actifizz, you can think what you like, but it worked for us. Every family dynamic is different. My in-laws are fantastic grandparents, but have been utterly useless on their visits from my point of view (they get in the way rather than help). I love them to bits though and we have a great relationship.

My mum, on the other hand, has massive ishoos, she is a hopeless grandma and mother most of the time (see other threads), but she really stepped in when we needed her to and I am forever grateful for that.

It probably changes things being an expat - ours live 3,000 miles away, so we are in a similar situation to the OP. If we had been in England, of COURSE things would have been different.

My mum waited a couple of weeks before flying over to stay after both our babies.

Made more sense for her come after DH went back to work so I'd have an extra pair of hands for a bit longer.

She was thinking about what would help me more though. Your parents and in-laws are more concerned about themselves.

YADNBU

I wouldn't be "asking" someone to put off a visit that they'd been told not to make in the first place - I'd be telling them!

Good luck!

I can't imagine thinking - DD/IL has just had major surgery and is coping with newborn twins, has a small flat with no spare room, I am totally entitled to show up the day after she gets home and stay with her for a couple of weeks!

Yanbu.

You'll have just had twins and have in laws and a DM who will want to be waited on hand and foot I don't think so!

I never understand why a grandparent's need to see the baby instantly trumps the wishes of a woman who has just given birth and is knackered and potentially feeling like crap. And in your case having had a c-section with two newborns. It's utterly selfish.

My mum and on laws stayed in a b&b after DS was born and helped, that's the difference.

Expecting a woman with newborn twins who has just had major abdominal surgery to host you and wait on you for two weeks is what is selfish. I have two boys and if my future DILs needed space after giving birth I would respect that, it's about the mother and the baby not everyone else's right to newborn cuddles IMO.

OP I think you have to say no, for the sake of your physical and mental health if nothing else and also because you have no where for her to sleep.

Actually, you don't have to say no, your husband does, he needs to be firm with his mum and shield you from any fall out, you have enough to cope with being pregnant with twins.

Actifizz - she would have to host these visitors in a flat with no room, can't you see how hard that would be. I'm afraid circumstances really do play a part in the 'banning' or not with GPs.

YANBU. Your DH needs to explain to his mother that whilst she is very welcome to visit she will need to stay in a hotel and get herself to and from your flat. You will not have the room for her to stay in your flat or the time to ferry her to and from the hotel.

Surely as you have a nanny staying she has to stay in a hotel? If anything that is the only positive about her forcing herself on you early?

You can't expect a nanny to sleep on sofa?

A hotel, taxi company and not waiting in her at all is the only way to deal with this.

WaffleWiffle First-time-parents over thinking and over worrying IMO- oh, so unhelpful. I hope writing that made you feel better cause it certainly didn't do anything to improve my day.

happymummy I read your nasty post and started to be hurt/annoyed only then looked at the user name and recognised it. I have read you being hurtful, deliberately obtuse and mean to people on this board so very many times that I'm just going to discount your views.

But honestly, to everyone else, including those that think I'm being unreasonable, it is genuinely really helpful to hear the different points of view.

feesh such a relief to read your post. It's actually good to hear someone say that it will be bloody hard. I'm quite good when it comes to a challenge- at least we'll be a little prepared.

It's also great to hear the input specifically from twin mums- it's really giving me a sense of what this will be like. Yes scrounger will definitely be waking them up to feed together- it's like a mantra in my head now!

As for where MIL is going to sleep, DH has suggested that she sleep on the sofa in the living room. Which even if she doesn't mind (in fairness it's a very comfy huge sofa and she's only a small person) is just going to get in the way of everything. I have a feeling that we're going to lose sense of time for a couple of weeks with these babies, so if someone's up at 3 a.m. feeding a baby it might be nice to be able to be in the living room with the TV on, not having to tiptoe around sleeping MIL (it's an open-plan living room/hall, groan). I actually did consider giving her our bed for about ten seconds but when I mentioned it DH actually exploded in an "OVER MY DEAD BODY" way!

You know, I actually get on very well with MIL, respect her and like her. I'm just very surprised that she's decided to totally disregard our wishes in this way. Maybe it's a mother/son thing. DH is her PFB.

I'm trying to keep quite sanguine and philosophical about the whole issue. I said to DH just now that really, it's all going to be total chaos for a few weeks anyway so an extra bit of more chaos added to the mix might not really make much difference. I can't afford to get myself all worked up about this just two days before the C-section. Or afterwards.

Though I will get very cross if all she wants to do is cuddle the babies, leaving us to do the hard work (which I fear will happen…). And I don't want to be cross and grumpy any more than necessary- I'd like to be as happy and calm as possible (even given the hard work!) for my little babies' first few weeks in this world!

How bizarre that she expects to stay for a couple of weeks. Generally I think banning visitors is a bit precious (sorry!) but in this instance it isn't at all, it is practical.

If you get on well with her, I would call her and be really enthusiastic about her coming to help.

Say obviously she can't stay in the flat because of space/the nanny so you can recommend xyz hotels and this taxi firm.

Tell her that the nanny will have nights covered, you and DH will be doing most of the feeds but you are so, so, so pleased to have an extra pair of hands - she can be in charge of cooking meals/keeping on top of laundry/sterilising bottles or whatever.

Just clearly state your expectations, don't ask or beg.

If I have any grandchildren I would be there, I would stay in a hotel and go around the home and cook, clean, make tea/coffee.

I will have a lifetime with grandchildren and those first few weeks are not that important.

If the visit happens, then do not get out of your bed. Get your midwife or whoever to say that you have been prescribed bed rest etc. people less likely to assume you can jump up and do everything if they think it's under medical orders. Also they're less likely to invade your personal space all the time.

Unfortunately that means DH is stuck having to entertain and run around after them.

Insist on hotel.

Ok, advice on damage limitation.

Be fair to both sets of grandparents. Get them over but stagger when they arrive and they are to stay in alternative accommodation.

It hits a cord for me that you're caving into to your tantruming Mil but not your Mother. Forgive me if I've got this wrong... But I think that's the biggest slap of all that Mil gets to come as she stamped her feet the most but your Mother doesn't.

Also, I do feel that your Mother should take priority over mil. Grandparents can be quite competitive at times, but if your Mother finds out Mil is visiting ahead of her, you will give her fuel for years and years!

I think it's a natural thing for your mother, who gave birth to you, to be the first grandparent there.

Being asked to wait a couple of weeks is hardly banning is it? That sounds a bit melodramatic.

This, fledermaus- this is my point. It's not at all that we don't want them to come. My exact words (in a pleading tone) to my own DF were "Just give us a couple of weeks until we have some sort of a sense of which end is up, and then absolutely do come."

I don't understand why it has to be within a week of them being born. Why is that so important? As someone said really sensibly upthread, they will be grandparents forever, and have weeks, months and years of happy times ahead. Is it that important that they be there right at the beginning? Instead of saving their time (and their money for the long haul flight) to come and visit when they are, say, a month old?

Especially since I'm presuming hoping that when the babies are, say, 4-6 weeks old they will be much more alert and open and, well, themselves. Rather than two little traumatised bundles still outraged at being ripped from their nice comfy womb-home?

Actually, some input from grandparents would be interesting here. Can anyone explain to me why it seems so important to get there at the very beginning?

I think that the fact you need to be fair to both grandparents gives you another reason for insisting that your MIL stays in a hotel. She surely can't expect you to host two sets of grandparents in a flat with no spare room?

I've had 4 children.. I would never entertain a house guest in those first couple of weeks. She will get under your feet, and drive you completely bonkers... Anyone would!
It's such a special time, especially with OH off work. You'll never get that time back again. You'll be trying to get to know your two babies, you and daddy...
Have them all over, staying with you or in hotels, but not until the babies are a few weeks old.
Your OH doesn't need someone else to look after or worry about. Seriously, I think you'll regret it.