to just want a couple of weeks in peace with my newborn babies?

[moscowflyer]

Sorry this is long. Have NC for this to hopefully avoid being outed by family members given posts under usual name! Plus am a bit embarrassed as have been ridiculously smug about this issue in previous posts- telling other posters to do as I have done (oh, am eating those words now…)

I thought I had it all sorted. I'm almost full-term with twins (first babies). DH and I live in a different country from my parents and his parents (3 different countries). I'm due to have a C-section in two days. We thought long and hard about the issue and decided months ago that we would have more than enough to do with two new babies and that we would ask both sets of grandparents to hold off on visiting us for a few weeks until we got ourselves sorted and under control.

We explained to everybody (nicely) AGES ago that things would be very different if we all lived in the same country but that things become much more complicated when long haul flights are involved. We explained that we won't have the time or the resources to be looking after them. We live in a two-bedroom apartment so technically we do have room but we have hired a night nanny for a couple of weeks to help us both through the nights with 2 babies so the 2nd bedroom is in fact the nursery. Plus I imagine this little house is going to be utterly crazy in terms of round-the-clock care and will be totally unsuitable for visitors for at least a few weeks after Monday.

We just got a phone call from FIL this morning announcing that MIL intends to get on a plane to visit us on the 14th of June. This will mean she will be arriving to stay with us the day after we get home from hospital. Poor DH has tried to negotiate an extra week and FIL has gone off to try to put her off until the 21st. We're waiting to see if she agrees. The message we have got is that if we don't let her come she will feel as if "her son and daughter in law don't want her".

This is going to cause quite a lot of upset with my side of the family. My own mother is quite miffed that SHE was asked to postpone her visit and has been going around telling everyone at home that "she was told not to come because Moscow said she'd only be a burden". Totally untrue, but my own mother is terrifically high-maintenance and attention-seeking. My poor DF will have to deal with a gigantic tantrum if she hears MIL is staying with us: and they may very well decide that it's open season and they're getting on a plane too…

I may also be in trouble because we deliberately didn't tell my parents when the C-section was scheduled, primarily because I didn't trust them not to pull a stunt and turn up for the birth. (They think I'm due next week.) DH insisted on telling his folks the date because he assured me that they wouldn't do anything as unreasonable as jumping on a plane at short notice (he's looking a little shamefaced this morning…)

Luckily DH and I are happy and solid and able to laugh (a tad hysterically) about it- we will deal with it as it comes. I'm choosing to see the funny side, and have been telling the (still inside me) babies that they are clearly rock stars given that they have groupies who are so desperate to see them they defy all barriers!

But I did say to DH just now- what IS it about our respective sets of parents? They're all desperate to come and "help" but they won't actually help at all when they're here (we know this very well- they will need more looking after than the goddam babies) and even if they make the odd cup of tea (unlikely) a week-long visit is hardly going to be of any real "help" in the general scheme of things. They don't seem to see that the "visits" are actually ALL ABOUT THEM rather than us.

AIBU to just want a couple of weeks to ourselves to get used to this massive life change, to get a rhythm and some sort of routine sorted, (and to get myself healed after a C-section) before we have to entertain visitors?

Any advice welcome- we probably can't change the situation but advice on damage limitation/coping would be great!

[Ifpigscouldfly]

God I must be a right bitch. I say this a lot but some if the stuff people put up with. OP I bet you are a nicer person than me

[Writerwannabe83]

It sounds awful OP.

Me and my DH kept the date of my c-section a secret for exactly this reason!!

I really, really feel for you

[SuperLoveFuzz]

YANBU.

Oh my goodness, you're going to have not one but TWO teeny, tiny, snuggly, wiggly babies soon!!!!

I HEART BABIES

[LilQueenie]

YANBU We told noone when I went into labour and everyone knew I was past my due date at that point. It was around 3 hours after I gave birth that we told my parents and my mum threw a fit over not being told the moment she was born. Apparantly she "should have been told straight away" her words.

I also wanted a week without visits but they were down everyday. I made my excuse one day and said ah sorry we were going out. Should never have said where. Suddenly as I hit the high st a car drove along and stopped (freaking mne out that it was slowing and following as I had no idea who at first) "oh we thought we would take a drive incase we bumped into you" bearing in mind they had come out of the only road from my house to where I had been standing when they "found" me.

The other GP on the other side told me in no uncertain terms out of nowhere as I stood in the kitchen one night "I have rights you know" I was about 5 months gone at the time. I seriously dont know how I didnt ram that wooden spoon down her throat! Thankfully DP told her she was wrong but the wedge was driven that day.

Stand firm and be strong. If they come to the door dont even open it. They were told no so you would only be standing your ground.

[ThaneOfScunthorpe]

I think Daffy is right, it's such a magical time (even factoring in the sleeplessness and uncertainty) that I think grandparents want to recapture. I really do sympathise with that but it's MY magical time.

As I've already posted upthread, that time was taken away from me. MIL couldn't understand my need to constantly cuddle the baby and try and bond and kept trying to take the baby away and feed it (I couldn't bf and was very upset about this and wanted the feeding duties). And that's why our relationship is bad now. I am upset because I feel that she did not respect my wishes and give me the space to bond with my baby, and she is upset by my rudeness at the time.

[DaffyDuck88]

Thane, I'm really sorry that happened to you too. Feeding was so much harder than I could ever have imagined and I had no idea my hormones would go that crazy. I was tearful paranoid loon worrying I wasn't doing things correctly and desperate to bf. I even began to wider if MIL and others weren't just wasn't for FF just so she could take dd. (Baby had tongue-tie but it wasn't picked up until 6weeks, by which time milk supply had all but disappeared so had to work with consultant to bring it back up). I expressed and pumped for 4.5months which is very intrusive to your daily life and had to give up because baby still couldn't latch, and after a short illness milk supply went altogether. Of course MIL said, you know I thought it was tongue tie……… But thats another tale altogether!

It's just such a crazy, beautiful time. AMAZING because you have this little being, or in your case TWO little beings OP! , but crazy because you're tired - but initially maybe don't realise just quite how much as you are running on adrenaline and pure sweet love. In hindsight I can see the value of a doula or someone like that, who along with DP could be the buffer in terms of keeping folk at bay - with an "I think its best if Mum and babies just rest now" as she ushers them out the door or barricades it shut! Poor DH, he is on sentry duty as well as everything else from here on in! Hang in there OP, can't wait to read that all's gone well. Just think about the babies coming home with you and forget everything else, they're almost here!

[Edgarallan]

Zip it Happy!
OP stick to your guns- similar issues in my family caused a massive rift when GP turned up really regret not trusting my instincts!

[Cocolepew]

I wouldn't be so polite either. Phone and say no, if she chooses, to come, don't put her up or help in anyway. If she's highly educated I'm sure booking a hotel and taxi isnt beyond her.
If she comes and you don't want her in the house at any point tell her to go. Tough shit if she gets narky/upset/tells on you. Who cares? the
Good luck

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

DH needs to deal with this. You should not be negotiating and waiting to see whether MiL will compromise. What you want is not at all unreasonable.

[rumbleinthrjungle]

Oh YA so NBU. This comes down to wants and needs. MiL and DM want to be there and get to cuddle tiny newborns and give first baths and feeds. You need to bond with your children, get your head and heart around the fact that you have children, do some physical recovering and healing, and get yourself and your babies into routines. It comes down to which of you takes precedent, and I don't get either why GPs' wants trump those of a woman who has just given birth and is a brand new parent. Particularly when those wants are spectacularly self centred.

My DSis' gorgeous twins were hellish for the first few weeks, as other posters have said it just never stops around the clock. There's no down time. And however hard they tried to keep the twins on the same schedule the babies were not having it and alternated. Thank God all family on both sides are lovely and were interested in what the parents needed in order to cope with this amazing time rather than being wholly focused on meeting their own selfish desires. If you're not that lucky with your relatives, you have no option but to put down firm boundaries.

Incidentally female gorillas and elephants also have this same problem of having to fight off female relatives who want to get their hands on a newborn and cuddle and enjoy playing with it. It seems to be an inbuilt instinct, which is why listening to your instincts are so important. You've got enough to think about, the next few weeks are going to be some of the most wonderful and demanding of your life. Say no and let GPs pout and stomp if they choose to, and let that be their problem. You're not saying no, you're saying please wait until we feel ready. To try to manipulate or force you into giving way on that is indefensible.

[MrsJoeDolan]

OP - you used he word petrified - what exactly are you and DH petrified of? The fallout? What MIL will say/do/think about you? .... Follow it to its logical conclusion for a second. Where is the fear coming from?

[MintyChops]

YANBU, your MIL is being ridiculously demanding and so, so selfish. Your DH needs to be much firmer and tell his parents that NEITHER of you wants any visitors until the date you originally agreed, that this is not negotiable and that if they persist in trying to come sooner it is going to cause a massive problem.

I told my in-laws before DS was born that they could come over (just to Ireland from UK, so not far) when we had had a chance to settle a bit but not to book anything yet as I didn't want to pressure of having to produce him according to their flight dates or see anyone before we were all ready. lo and behold, he was 2 weeks late and they arrived 2 days before he was born because they had bloody wellhooled without telling us. I wanted to kill them. They didn't stay with us but they turned up the the day we got back from the hospital, sat on the end of my bed with the coffees my DH had to keep making them, troughed down meals my DM had to keep making them and did fuck all to help. Oh and my SIL came too. I massively resented it but was too nice/ stupid at the time to tell them to go away.

With DS2 I didn't tell them my due date, told them on no account to come until he was at least a month old and was basically much stricter and more explicit about what I wanted. I also told them how I had felt when they had ignored my wishes the last time and how I didn't want that to happen again. It was a million times better.

[specialmagiclady]

You live in an apartment, right? So presumably when MIL turns up from the hotel you will be in a position to fend her off at the downstairs door.

MIL: Hello dear, it's Meeeeeee!
DH: oh... Er.. Hi Mum. Lovely to hear your voice, bit of a rubbish time now. OP is asleep. Could you come back a bit later.
MiL: Wha- ?! But I've come alll....

DH: oh, baby's woken up - better go!


And so on.

[specialmagiclady]

DH- oh, and Mum, when you come could you bring supper? Thanks!

[BelleateSebastian]

Are all you 'YABU'ers on glue!?!! House guests from over seas for 2 weeks after a c-section and twins?

I agree banning GP's from popping by to coo over babies is mean ... but to put up inlaws for 2 weeks, when you have told the other GP's they are not allowed to stay - LUDICROUS!

DH needs to ring and tell them NO.

[moscowflyer]

Again, thank you all for the replies and backup. It has really made a difference- I can definitely feel my spine straightening with every one of your posts!

We've heard nothing yet- but I don't think we'll be speaking to them until after the C-section tomorrow. I think it's very good to have explored all of this now, in these quiet days, rather than to try to tease out a solution in the midst of chaos! It will be really nice to have this thread to re-read in a few days- and hopefully it will help other people in similar situations.

I've found it really shocking to read some of the stories of selfish GPs barging in. rumble's reference to female gorillas and elephants makes sense to me in that context. DH and I were talking last night and I was wondering if it was an oxytocin addiction- that grandparents want the newborn-baby hormones too because they remember what it was like! If so, maybe someone could invent a baby-crack substitute that MIL could just sprinkle on a hanky instead of travelling halfway across the world for her fix!

One last thing- I suppose a final worry. MIL comes from a culture where men really don't have anything to do with babies (like many previous generations). DH is not like this at all and is absolutely determined to be as close and involved as he possibly can be with our babies. In a way, I'm even more worried about MIL pushing HIM aside, taking over when he would like to be doing bath time, etc. and sending him off to do "men things" when he wants to be cuddling his babies and bonding. I think, actually, that will be the hardest bit. Fingers crossed it will all be okay- he's pretty strong-minded himself (though like many of us, finds it hard to stand up to his mother!)

[HappyAgainOneDay]

I'm a MiL. My DH and I booked flights to stay with my son and DiL 9 or 10 months later. All looking forward to it. Then we had a phone call to say that a baby would be due when we would be there. My DiL had a cs but we came in useful because we were able to babysit the 5 year old, taking him to the park etc, leaving my son to be with his DW. They already have someone to come and do household chores so it was still a holiday for us but useful to my son and DDiL.

I agree with the posters who have said hotel, hotel, hotel even if the GPs don't come for several weeks. You just do not have the space to put anyone up now. One bedroom for you and your DH and the other bedroom for your new DTs once the night nanny has departed.

As for tiptoeing around so you don't wake anyone sleeping in the sitting room. I'd probably purposely try not to make a noise while walking around. It's your home. Live as you like to live.

[Nancy66]

All the best with the C-section tomorrow. You'll be a mother of two in 24 hours!

[SantanaLopez]

Wow- tomorrow! Best of luck

[CallingAllEngels]

YANBU.

I live overseas. ILs are very close by. My DPs booked to b travel a week after my edd but we were very strict that they could not stay with us. At first theybwere a bit about that but now they always get a hotel or cottage and treat coming to see us more as a holiday.

DS was a few days early so he was just over a week old when they arrived. It meant we were able to hold off a lot of other visitors for that crazy 1st week, saying we wanted my DPs to be one of the first to meet DS. The only other visitors we had that week were MIL and FIL, BIL, SIL and DNs. Everyone else was okay with waiting 2 weeks.

When I was in labour DH called both sets of parents to let them know. MIL wanted to rush straight over but DH told her we'd let her know when DS was born and then they could come over (they live 5 mins away - meant they weren't in the waiting room right outside while I was in tne last stages of labour and by the time they got there I'd been sticthed up etc).

With DC2 it's a slightly different story. DPs are arriving the day of my due date (already arranged before we knew I was pg!) but will be around to help with DS and I feel more comfortable knowing what to expect. How Ed ver, they are definitely NOT staying with us!

[DilysMoon]

Nothing useful to add to all the great advice you've had but just wanted to say best wishes for tomorrow, how exciting!

[howrudeforme]

Moscow - I had my ils come over.I'd said to hd to give me 6 weeks so I could sort myself out, heal, and adjust myself to new motherhood.

Oh no - not good enough for ils and they came over at 3 weeks to stay in our small flat for another 3 weeks. Outcomes were not great for ds and me but great for them.

I don't mention it as it's all over now but I'm still resentful and with good reason.

Anyone else would have stayed in a hotel but not this lot. They were very dependent on me whilst being so critical of my new parenting skills.

I love to include all family but with a new family you may have to 'lock down' and get to grips with your new life before inviting dependent and entitled people to stay with you.

Best of luck to you

[HaroldLloyd]

Sometimes on these threads I feel for the ILs as it's only a flying visit but I think your right here.

Twins, FFS.
Your paying for a night nanny to help get you all sorted so I think it would be a lot better if you had time to do this without visitors
And you've said it to all family so it's totally fair.
And it's only a week
And it's long flights and the responsibility for visitors that ensues from that.

[pommedeterre]

Pils visiting too soon post birth can really wreck the relationship for years to come as the hormonal feelings really don't fade very quickly.

I would take the upset now and tell them to stay away rather than create issues that continue for years.