to just want a couple of weeks in peace with my newborn babies?

[moscowflyer]

Sorry this is long. Have NC for this to hopefully avoid being outed by family members given posts under usual name! Plus am a bit embarrassed as have been ridiculously smug about this issue in previous posts- telling other posters to do as I have done (oh, am eating those words now…)

I thought I had it all sorted. I'm almost full-term with twins (first babies). DH and I live in a different country from my parents and his parents (3 different countries). I'm due to have a C-section in two days. We thought long and hard about the issue and decided months ago that we would have more than enough to do with two new babies and that we would ask both sets of grandparents to hold off on visiting us for a few weeks until we got ourselves sorted and under control.

We explained to everybody (nicely) AGES ago that things would be very different if we all lived in the same country but that things become much more complicated when long haul flights are involved. We explained that we won't have the time or the resources to be looking after them. We live in a two-bedroom apartment so technically we do have room but we have hired a night nanny for a couple of weeks to help us both through the nights with 2 babies so the 2nd bedroom is in fact the nursery. Plus I imagine this little house is going to be utterly crazy in terms of round-the-clock care and will be totally unsuitable for visitors for at least a few weeks after Monday.

We just got a phone call from FIL this morning announcing that MIL intends to get on a plane to visit us on the 14th of June. This will mean she will be arriving to stay with us the day after we get home from hospital. Poor DH has tried to negotiate an extra week and FIL has gone off to try to put her off until the 21st. We're waiting to see if she agrees. The message we have got is that if we don't let her come she will feel as if "her son and daughter in law don't want her".

This is going to cause quite a lot of upset with my side of the family. My own mother is quite miffed that SHE was asked to postpone her visit and has been going around telling everyone at home that "she was told not to come because Moscow said she'd only be a burden". Totally untrue, but my own mother is terrifically high-maintenance and attention-seeking. My poor DF will have to deal with a gigantic tantrum if she hears MIL is staying with us: and they may very well decide that it's open season and they're getting on a plane too…

I may also be in trouble because we deliberately didn't tell my parents when the C-section was scheduled, primarily because I didn't trust them not to pull a stunt and turn up for the birth. (They think I'm due next week.) DH insisted on telling his folks the date because he assured me that they wouldn't do anything as unreasonable as jumping on a plane at short notice (he's looking a little shamefaced this morning…)

Luckily DH and I are happy and solid and able to laugh (a tad hysterically) about it- we will deal with it as it comes. I'm choosing to see the funny side, and have been telling the (still inside me) babies that they are clearly rock stars given that they have groupies who are so desperate to see them they defy all barriers!

But I did say to DH just now- what IS it about our respective sets of parents? They're all desperate to come and "help" but they won't actually help at all when they're here (we know this very well- they will need more looking after than the goddam babies) and even if they make the odd cup of tea (unlikely) a week-long visit is hardly going to be of any real "help" in the general scheme of things. They don't seem to see that the "visits" are actually ALL ABOUT THEM rather than us.

AIBU to just want a couple of weeks to ourselves to get used to this massive life change, to get a rhythm and some sort of routine sorted, (and to get myself healed after a C-section) before we have to entertain visitors?

Any advice welcome- we probably can't change the situation but advice on damage limitation/coping would be great!

If they lived round the corner and were the helpful sort then of course OP would be inviting them round.

Perhaps other users just can't read. To me -

Tiny newborn twins
Small flat with two parents, two babies and a maternity nurse
GPs who will not lift a finger other than (perhaps) to cuddle babies leaving OP and DH to deal with nappies, tidying, cleaning and catering.
GPs who choose to see it as a massive insult to stay in a hotel despite the above making life much harder for everyone
Doing 8 night feeds with two babies while tiptoeing around because someone is asleep in your living room.

Definitely not BU.

If I am a grandparent I would never be so selfish as to invite myself to stay in those circumstances. If we lived in another country I would possibly suggest we could come and stay in a hotel nearby, sort ourselves out for food/travel etc, bring many lovely treats and food (clearing up after ourselves and offering to do laundry/cleaning if DC and partner would take offer well) and visit for an hour or two a day.

Forcing themselves upon you like this is very very selfish.

While i was in hospital with DC2 (born very premmie) inlaws came to stay at ours without me even knowing. They completely ate through a freezer full of food, including the the lovely best beef stews my parents had made me for helping me get my strength back. They then asked DH what he hadn't had to eat lately and filled the freezer with nasty cheap processed crap. There's 'helpful' and there's helpful. DH maintains they were helpful. Rubbish.

Dear

Yanbu at all, it is extremely rude of your in laws to ignore your wishes and to do what they want. Would put them up in a hotel whether they like it or not tbh, you have to put you and you lovely little family first!

I agree pour, those circumstances are extremely difficult! Very selfish of your in laws. I would be doing nothing to help them (no Collecting from airport, no ferrying, no tip toeing, nothing! They have disregarded your wishes and don't give a toss about you.

"Poor DH has tried to negotiate an extra week and FIL has gone off to try to put her off until the 21st. We're waiting to see if she agrees."

Ffs, it's not UP to her to "agree!" She's NOT INVITED!!!!

YADNBU.

If they do end up staying with you. You bloody do what you have to in your own home, no tip toeing nothing. Make them help, ask them to change a nappy, do cooking, make tea etc. they are there to help, not admire the view! If you need to go downstairs to switch the tv on you do that! After all it was her decision to disregard your wishes.

I virtually lived on the sofa for a couple of months with my twins. I would have wept if it had a sleeping MIL or any other relative on it. And I had a relatively easy vaginal birth.

Also as MorningTime says there's a chance one or both of the babies won't be ready to come home straight away anyway.

I wish I could suggest a magic bullet to fix this, but all I can manage is suggesting hotel and taxis whether it makes her offended or not.

Your husband needs to rise to the occasion here and tell them straight not to come for another few weeks. His side of the family, his job to fix the problem and to put his new young family first.

OP, just tell her - or rather get your DH to tell her - NO. She has to wait. Tell her that you'll look forward to seeing her in a few weeks' time, but if she chooses to ignore you and book herself a flight before then, she's on her own in a hotel as there will be nowhere for her to sleep and no time to act as chauffeur. That's the simple truth.

What are you afraid of if you say NO? Being bad-mouthed? They're only words. Most of the people she complains to will probably privately think she is BU under the circumstances anyway. A giant family row? She isn't going to want to burn her bridges and risk being cut off from you altogether - she will want to see her DGCs. You might have to put up with a few complaints, a few PA comments, but ultimately you are in the position of strength here, so if she has any sense she will fall into line, albeit possibly with bad grace to begin with.

Good idea select, tgey come when it's convenient for you not them!

Dear OP,

You are so, so NOT being unreasonable.

When our first baby was due my husband and I agreed we'd ask both sets of parents to wait a couple of weeks before coming out to see us. We're also expats so them visiting would involve a minimum 4 week stay each.

Both my mum and MIL can be a little highly strung, and just generally much more dramatic than me. I knew breastfeeding was important to me and I wanted the freedom to be able to get that established wherever I chose in my own home, including topless on the sofa if I wanted to. Not very compatible with house guests.

My mum was fine about it, the in-laws nodded in reluctant agreement.

A week later my MIL sprang the great idea that they should come for DH's birthday. That was two weeks before the baby was due.

And if they were coming for the birthday thy myth as well then stay another to weeks so thy could meet the baby.

We had originally planned a big celebration in our home town but cancelled that when I got pregnant so out of fling guilty that DH wasn't getting anything special for a big birthday, I agreed.

Instead of spending my two weeks of maternity leave quietly enjoying my time as I saw fit I had two house guests to entertain. MIL also went a bit crazy waiting for a newborn to appear and kept telling me to get on with it etc. not helpful at 39 weeks and feeling like a landlocked whale!

When I did go into labour I had to try and concentrate

YANBU. I don't see how you'll get any space/peace/privacy in a 2 bed apartment if there will be 4 adults and 2 babies there.

Jesus Quint it sounds like you have a story or two to tell. [shocked]

OP, you are totally, utterly, 100% NBU. Asking grandparents to give you and your brand new family some time to regroup and bond is NOT unkind or petty. You aren't 'banning' anybody, you are just asking for some much needed space in the early days/weeks. As a previous poster wisely said, your rights as new parents and your babies' rights to have less stressed, more comfortable parents trumps any grandparent's 'right' to an early cuddle. Please hold firm, and make sure your husband backs you completely.

Also, as for 'first timers' being overly precious and unrealistic about visitors. Whilst I am sure as with anything that is sometimes the case, I have actually learned from being too accommodating last time and this time, with my second and last baby, I will be much firmer about when people visit and how long for. It can be genuinely damaging to allow visitors, especially those who have very little interest in your own wellbeing, milling around (and staying over!) too much in the early days of motherhood.

YADNBU! As has been posted before, you won' t get this time back and with two it is going to be exhausting, albeit delightful at the same time. Am excited for your upcoming delivery but anxious for you re the thought of visitors. If you don't have the space, you don't have the space. Full stop.

Truthfully, of all my friends and family there was only 1 who would visit for a short time but during that time make me a cup of tea and ask if I'd eaten! I'd happily have had her visit daily as she was there to show love and honestly help. I found other visitors stressful and grasping in their need to get hands on dd which didn't help feeding complications. (I hope you don't have any of those - if in any doubt see the hospital feeding consultant straight off - don't rely on HVs or even the midwives, and I loved my midwives, but as has been pointed out the feeding specialists are just that, specialists they know more!). DP had to do all the hosting as quite frankly I was occupied and I didnt even have a CS. I can't imagine how you deal with twins after that. We all know friends and family are happy for us and want to meet the little ones but its a topsy turvy time and even having only a week to get to some sort of grip of things would be a bonus. I had relatives come from overseas, they had to stay elsewhere as we didn't have the space, so rented an apartment. Maybe your ILS and parents could do the same.
And importantly, only visit between agreed times.

Argh! Phone keyboards.

Concentrate on contractions whilst they were sat on the sofa trying to watch Corrie.

My MIL also has fairly strong opinions on babies and how they should be cared for that don't necessarily gel with my views. We were having a chat at one point about baby carriers and I told her about a study I'd just read about showing that babies who were carried or worn more were often more secure, independent toddlers.

Next thing I know, DH is calling me from work because he's had a slightly panicked call from his mother as apparently I was never planning on putting the baby down and what would that do to the baby and to poor, poor DH who would then have to do EVERYTHING??

So it wasn't a great atmosphere. My own mum wasn't particularly impressed that she'd respected our wishes and then we'd changed the rules to accommodate ILs.

When the baby was born they were much more helpful than I expected. They took care of a lot of meals and washing which was very helpful. However, I also had some problems with breastfeeding (baby learning to latch etc. due to undiagnosed tongue and lip tie) so spent hours locked away in my own room as feeding took so long and involved being mostly topless initially. Not something I wanted to do in front of FIL!

I had a mostly uncomplicated pregnancy and birth, although t went a bit difficult at the end, with a single baby. I can't begin to imagine two babies. The vulnerability and fragility I felt afterwards was so out of character for me that it took getting used to in itself. It's very difficult to stand up for yourself and your baby in that state if a (albeit well-meaning) GP starts to take over or offer 'helpful' suggestions. Especially true if you're trying to breastfeed and they want to "help".

Looking back, even DH now says to friends in similar circumstances that while it was nice to have the help, we would have preferred the house not to be spotless for a couple of weeks and just had time to settle in and feel to stay in our pyjamas if we wanted!

I don't think it's "banning" GPs at all. I think it's taking a sensible step to give yourself a little breathing space and time to adjust to being parents and a family before you introduce your little ones to the rest of your family.

Best of luck to you and your new little family.

Wow some of these stories are horrific! I completely agree with wrapsuperstar I was far too accommodating with visitors first time around and people took the piss! It is so upsetting to think back on the time I spent making endless cups of tea the day after giving birth when I just wanted to hold my baby, being stared at while I tried to learn how to breastfeed and having to sit on the floor with stitches in my perineum while various people played pass the parcel with my baby and asked for yet more tea! I was much more assertive with dc2, I'm sure mil had a good bitch behind my back but it doesn't matter, my needs were more important than hers at that time and you never get this time back.

I don't see how they can possibly stay with you in the house. Apart from anything else and without going into too much detail, you are going to want regular and possibly immediate access to the bathroom. How's that going to work with 5 adults in the house? If my parents are anything to go by, they're each in there for what seems like hours at a time, along with running deep baths for themselves and using up all the hot water.

YANBU.

I had both my children while living overseas, and made both sets of grandparents wait at least six weeks before coming out to visit, to let us get settled in to parenthood. It didn't cause any upset at all, and meant their visits were much more relaxed, and the DCs were getting past the stage of constant feeding/sleeping/screaming.

If she feels snubbed tough. She showed utter contempt for your wishes and wellbeing when she booked the flights.

There is literally nowhere for her to stay in your flat. You need your bed, you will be recovering from surgery. The nanny needs the other bedroom. MiL knows this yet has decided to ignore your plans.

I would be tempted to lie about the planned cs date - tell them it's been rearranged and give them the date you told your mum.

I'd be inclined to tell them it was just wind, not babies.

She WILL hog the babies

You WILL get upset

It WILL spoil the first precious times with your children

You may well fall out, at the very least you will end up with a far worse relationship.

You could avoid this by telling them no.