Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Original poster

To want my bf of six months to take down photographs of his previous gf who died tragically

343 replies

Botagonist · 02/06/2014 21:45

My bf of six months' previous gf died suddenly last year in tragic circumstances. He still lives in the flat that they shared and I live separately with my two teenagers.

Am I being unreasonable to want him to take down a photo of her that he has in the lounge? It bothers me and makes me feel that I will always be in her shadow.

I have mentioned this before to him but he doesn't seem to understand how I feel and it's still there. I understand that people want to hold onto memories of the past but I feel this is detrimental to the future.

OP posts:

ExitPursuedByABear · 02/06/2014 23:03

Why does it bother you?

brdgrl · 02/06/2014 23:03

actifizz, I have done exactly the same thing with my DH and DSC.
(the photos, not the gardening, I'd end up destroying the place!)

But at six months in, I wasn't as secure as that, and I could have done with some kindness from other people with whom I could be honest about feeling insecure.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/06/2014 23:04

Probably the 7th most unreasonable post I have seen on here in the last 3 years.

Please tell me your not also trying to help him work through his grief?

qwertybirdie · 02/06/2014 23:14

Has it occurred to you that AIBU is not the place for you if you don't want harsh responses? Try the relationships board.
You don't come over as very understanding op, which doesn't help. You are basically saying you are jealous of a dead woman...

ExcuseTypos · 02/06/2014 23:14

He hasn't taken the photos down, so take that as a sign he doesn't want to take them down and respect that decision. If you cant get your head around that them do him a favour and stop being his girlfriend.

ICanSeeTheSun · 02/06/2014 23:16

Yabvu.

Would you ask him to take down picture of late relatives, why it is diffrent just because the picture of his dead DP

Teladi · 02/06/2014 23:17

YABVU

SolidGoldBrass · 02/06/2014 23:39

I think you have to get a grip. You've only been with him for six months, which is too soon to be throwing your weight about, especially as his last partner died rather than it being a case of them breaking up. You're not that important, yet. And making a big deal out of how you should be his top priority now and pushing him to forget about his dead partner is a good way to get yourself dumped.

Bettercallsaul1 · 02/06/2014 23:40

I wonder, OP, if it is a good idea for you to socialise (at least at this point) with the parents of your partner's previous girlfriend I see this as you making a big effort to accept her importance in his life, and commend you for it. However, I think it is probably not a good thing at all for you psychologically - I think you need more distance from the situation.

I actually think it is not your place at all to help your partner come to terms with the tragic ending of his last relationship - that is the role of the disinterested friends in his life. You are his new partner and are too personally invested in the situation to give him the help he needs.

Again, I honestly think the answer is time. Your relationship with your partner is too new for you to be thinking of anything other than whether it is working for the two of you. In time, when hopefully you will feel confident of your partner's feelings for you, you will not feel threatened at all by his past and reminders like the photo will lose their power to sting.

NotNewButNameChanged · 02/06/2014 23:44

This is one of the most unreasonable things I've ever seen in AIBU.

I cannot believe anyone could be that insensitive. I'm 40, my best friend died 20 years ago and I still weep on her birthday and the anniversary of her death. And I'm a man!

Had you two been together for some years and this tragic death occurred a decade or more ago, I would have had some understanding, but it's not about you. It's about him. If you're not grown up enough to understand that or have a bit more sensitivity then I think you should leave him and let him find someone that's a little less self-absorbed.

Vintagejazz · 02/06/2014 23:44

YABU. A year is nothing when someone you loved has died. In fact, I'm surprised that you're already six months into a relationship with him at this stage. I imagine he's still very fragile and I would tread very carefully if you've chosen to become involved with someone who's been so recently bereaved.

brdgrl · 02/06/2014 23:47

Agree 100% with bettercallsaul's last post.

Bogeyface · 02/06/2014 23:52

She is not an irritating ex he can cut contact with. He loved her on the day she died and he will always love her. He can love you too, but that will never stop him loving her.

If you cant deal with that then you shouldnt be with him.

FWIW, I dont think that I could deal with that so I wouldnt be with a widower (which he is too all intents and purposes) so I dont judge you for not wanting to have her in your life. But I do feel that rather than expecting him to expunge her existence from his life, you should look at yourself and whether you should be with him.

Oh and she has been dead for a year, and he has been with your for 6 months. I cant say this in a kind way as there is no kind way to say this so....dont expect this to last. He jumped into a new relationship very quickly, you could be his transition.

Hakluyt · 02/06/2014 23:52

You said "all the literature" when you meant Abel Keogh. And he doesn't say that the pictures and so on should come down immediately a widower starts dating somebody else- he says that as a relationship becomes more serious any "shrines" to the dead wife should gradually disappear. A very different thing.

UserNameUnderConstruction · 03/06/2014 00:01

Yasoooooobu!

brdgrl · 03/06/2014 00:08

OP, can I urge you to hide this thread? It was ill advised, frankly, to post on AIBU; if you are a new poster you've probably had a good lesson!
But you don't need to read a bunch of posts telling you that you suck or that you are a temporary fixture, that you won't last, and that your relationship isn't meaningful - these will only feed the insecurity you are feeling, and that isn't going to make things better in your relationship.

Leave this thread, don't look at it anymore, and focus on what is the here and now - do you enjoy time with your DP, does he make you feel special and loved? What does he love about you? To have begun a relationship with you, when he knows it is a risk - he sees things in you that are unique and wonderful. Be confident about that.

BlondieBrownie · 03/06/2014 00:09

I am gobsmacked that someone would even suggest such a thing.

CarbeDiem · 03/06/2014 01:33

Without wanting to make you feel worse but you know this anyway yabu.

It must be difficult for you but more so for him. It's not like they split up for whatever reason and can be written off as 'not working' or 'not compatible' - move on. she died.
I know that I would feel guilty and upset having to hide away a photo of a dead loved one especially if I wasn't ready to do so. He may be ready to have a new relationship but he'll still be grieving.
For what it's worth - my dh has a photo in our hall of a good friend who was also an ex lover - she tragically died in their home country and he couldn't get to her funeral and was devastated. I don't mind the photo - she was part of his life and I'm under no illusion that I'm the only one he's ever loved - let it go, he'll take it down/move it when he's ready.

differentnameforthis · 03/06/2014 03:04

YABVU!!

differentnameforthis · 03/06/2014 03:05

Would you ask him to take down it down, if it were a picture of his deceased child?

differentnameforthis · 03/06/2014 03:18

It was a year ago and all the literature says that you should take down such things if you are dating again

What literature? There is NO time limit on grief, op. You cannot force, nor even ask him to move on before he is ready.

I have taken down all photos of my ex as I don't think it's appropriate

Did he die tragically?

EagerBeaver101 · 03/06/2014 03:52

Seriously OP ?? im calling you know what on this post !! My first partner died tragically 6 months into our relationship i have now moved on and my new OH is fully understanding which is why i felt it so right to be with him we laugh and talk about my DP and all the thing we used to do and places we went if i so much as suspected he was in anyway jealous of my trinkets and cards etc id leave him but he isn't he is a grown up who loves me and all the things that have happened to be before i met him !! god you must have the mental age of 12 !! abel keogh can shove his literature where the sun doesn't shine i'll never get over my partner dying and never will he will always have a place in my heart and home !! and i'm sure anyone else who has lost a DP/DH in the past will agree with me don't talk about things you don't understand

Itsfab · 03/06/2014 07:56

Just as babies don't read the child care books a self help book can not be written that fits perfectly everyone's situation and just because ONE book might suggest that a shrine is gradually removed does not mean it is right for the widower to do so.

I think you are insecure, which I can understand, but trying to get yourself in as Top Dog is not going to work. You need to let the relationship grow at the pace it needs too and not tell him what to do. His parents have possibly welcomed you as they are relieved to see their son happy again but they are grieving too and are not going to show that in front of you!

TheHouseatWhoCorner · 03/06/2014 08:07

YABU.
Do you believe he never thinks about her?
If he took the photo down, do you think he'd never sneak a look at it while you weren't about.
Does he have children with her?
Are you uncomfortable because you don't like being reminded that has loved someone else? Or that maybe you don't measure up to her?

kungfupannda · 03/06/2014 08:10

YABU

It's not just about the photos - it's about you accepting a big part of his life before you. If you can't do this, then you potentially drive a big wedge between the two of you.

Will he not be allowed to mention her? Not share funny anecdotes?
'Oh, X and I came here once. it chucked it down and we had to strip off and drive home in our pants.' or 'X and I never saw eye to eye about that for some reason.'

A relationship is about embracing all of the other person. Someone he loved, and who made him happy before he even knew you existed, should be part of that - not a threat, or an elephant in the room.

If he talks constantly about her, to the exclusion of any apparent interest in you, then that's a different matter. But remembering her with love, and having the odd photo here and there, and being able to talk about her, like any other family member who's no longer here, is surely a healthy basis for a new relationship?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Swipe left for the next trending thread