To want my bf of six months to take down photographs of his previous gf who died tragically

[Botagonist]

My bf of six months' previous gf died suddenly last year in tragic circumstances. He still lives in the flat that they shared and I live separately with my two teenagers.

Am I being unreasonable to want him to take down a photo of her that he has in the lounge? It bothers me and makes me feel that I will always be in her shadow.

I have mentioned this before to him but he doesn't seem to understand how I feel and it's still there. I understand that people want to hold onto memories of the past but I feel this is detrimental to the future.

YABU

I am married to a widower and not only do we have a photo of him and his late wife on show in our living room but we also are in constant touch with her family - in fact several of them came to our wedding. How you can be jealous of someone who is dead is beyond me - without her he would not be the loving caring man he is now.

That would be a deal breaker for me! Don't be surprised if he throws you out of his home and never speaks to you again.

I don't think you are being entirely U! I think he should absolutely keep pictures, but if he is over the death enough to date someone else, he should be able to keep the pics in a drawer and not on display in a prominent place. If he still wants the pics around and is not over this relationship/ tragic happening, then he is not ready to date someone else yet. I think you probably shouldn't hassle him over the photos, but take a step back from the relationship if he is still in deep mourning because he is not really emotionally available.

Henny - what the hell is wrong with displaying a photo of someone you loved who has died? I doubt you'd be saying that if it was his child who had died, or his mum. Sorry, but no difference - if you love someone and miss someone, there is nothing unreasonable about displaying their photo within one year of their death. Displaying a photo does not mean someone is not ready to date for God's sake. The OP hasn't said this guy sits in his flat and cries over the picture every bloody night.

I think the difference is that if your mum dies, for example, you will not be getting a new mum. If your partner dies, when you are ready to move on, you have to make room in your life for someone new. I don't know if OP's partner is still in deep grief, but if she feels uncomfortable about a pic then probably there are other things making her uncomfortable too. She has to use her reason and judgement to decide if her partner is still grieving too much to move on. It takes a long time to get past a sudden death of a partner and OP said it only happened last year and they've been together 6 months.
It would make me feel uncomfortable too, having a partner still living in a flat he shared with GF with pics of her up in living room. Not saying it is wrong for partner to do that, but maybe he is not in right space to move on. Just advising OP to use her judgement about it[.

Henny - no, but you might get a stepmother. Who you might really like and while there isn't the same bond, you might come to think of them as a mother. But it's just different. Just as another girlfriend is different from a previous girlfriend.

If she feels uncomfortable then it is her problem. But to want him to take down a photo when they have been together just six months is ridiculous.

yabu , you dont live together and it only happened last year , yes i expect you are living in her shadow and will be for a long time yet .

I think that if a woman posted on here about her new bf wanting her to take down a photo of her tragically dead previous bf, we'd all be pointing out the big red flag.

Triumph

My dad had been dead 4 years when my step dad came into our lives & there were several photos of my dad in the house, he was spoken about a lot & my mum still used to ocassionally visit his grave.. Even more so now as my dd is buried with him. My Step Dad has never had an issue with this & I would have been cross if he did.

YABU... Very!!!

If you feel a dead woman is a threat to your relationship then your Dp isn't ready to move on yet.

Yabu so unreasonable. At six months you should barely have a say over what he watches on his own tv, let alone what he has in his house. If you can't handle to 'competition' of a deceased partner OP then have you considered how he might feel about you having two children that aren't his?

I'm afraid YABU and a little selfish.

My brothers first wife died and I know that his current wife would NEVER have asked him to take pictures down. I fact there is still one up 5 years after they married.

You have said that you feel that you have been treated incredibly harsh on here, but I feel that you are being incredibly harsh to you bf.

Losing someone to death is NOT the same as breaking up with someone.

If you think you have been treated harshly but a bunch of strangers, imagine how your BF must feel?!

Three of my children lost their father 6 months ago to cancer. He was my ex husband and I re-married 8 years ago.

I have a massive canvas picture of my ex husband in my living room. Thankfully my husband understands why it is there. Of course it is a bit different because I have children but I still have wedding pictures of me and my ex in my bedroom; not on the walls but on my shelves.

I was very close to him before he died and I like seeing his face and if my husband had an issue with that I would be devastated. I loved him; I couldn't be married to him but he was a massive part of my life and he died and those pictures now bring me some comfort.

Unfortunately, his widow met someone else after three months and took the photos down of him. My children were devastated.

YABU. Feeling threatened by a dead person, I've hear it all now.

YABVU, He'll take those pics down when he wants to, if he wants to. Just because someone dies, doesnt mean the people left behind can just switch off their feelings.

I think he forced himself to move on too early and find someone jealous of a someone who isnt around anymore.

YABVVVU!! My mum died almost 4 years ago now and my dad has a girlfriend. I struggle enough with thatr although would never tell him that as I am glad he is happy. He still has photos up of him and mum - if he ever took them down I would be really angry and would definitely fall out with him over it.

Seriously, find some compassion in those selfish bones. Of course people are being harsh and it is just ridiculous to compare you taking down photos of your ex to him still having a photo of his dead wife!

OP, I hope you have taken brdgrl's advice and are no longer reading this thread. I think that, far from being callous and uncaring, you are feeling a massive lack of confidence about yourself and your situation and most of the replies here will make that worse. I completely "get" your situation and understand.

For your relationship with your partner to be a success, you have to believe he is ready to move on - otherwise there is no future (at the moment) for the two of you. I think the problem here is that everything that has happened has been very recent and you genuinely do not know whether your partner is ready to make a commitment to you or not. Only you know how he acts towards you and how it makes you feel. If you feel that he is not yet ready for a new relationship - and he may have taken the plunge too soon - protect yourself by taking a step back. Do not allow yourself to become immersed in a relationship that is making you unhappy.

Wow.

I think you sound rather young and not able to understand the grief of losing someone. It's very different from splitting up with someone you know.

I'm not quite sure why you're visiting the partners parents with him. That seems a big thing to ask of you, yet you're not fussed about that, just the photo. Seems a bit confused.

for all who have lost someone.

I only had my Nana and she died a few days before I had my son. I have a wedding picture on my window sill which features her and there is a pang each time I see it even though it is actually 9 years ago today she died. Phew, wasn't expecting tears just then.

One book does not equal all the literature.

If you demand he gets rid of evidence of the last girlfriend, you aren't going to be the current girlfriend for long.

Wow, she's not an ex she died. The love of his life was suddenly ripped away from him a year ago tragically and you want to remove all trace out of his flat even though you don't live there?

Harsh op, yab very very unreasonable.