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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my bf of six months to take down photographs of his previous gf who died tragically

343 replies

Botagonist · 02/06/2014 21:45

My bf of six months' previous gf died suddenly last year in tragic circumstances. He still lives in the flat that they shared and I live separately with my two teenagers.

Am I being unreasonable to want him to take down a photo of her that he has in the lounge? It bothers me and makes me feel that I will always be in her shadow.

I have mentioned this before to him but he doesn't seem to understand how I feel and it's still there. I understand that people want to hold onto memories of the past but I feel this is detrimental to the future.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 05/06/2014 22:47

OP, I did not mean to suggest that you were the one pushing to meet dead GF's parents. However it is interesting that he did.

I think that you should be wary of a man who minimizes your concerns, is critical, is all or nothing and who thinks that his dead GF's grieving parents should have to meet his new GF (even though their child has not been dead a year). He does not sound like a good man to be in a relationship with.Sad. He sounds selfish and disrespectful of other people's boundaries.

Toadinthehole · 06/06/2014 00:03

I am thinking about what I would do if my DW died. For my memories and the kid's memories I would put up a picture of my DW.

I would consider it a big red flag if a subsequent GF found that wrong and expected me to remove it. It would make me think she expected me to expunge my memories, a very important part of what makes people what they are.

expatinscotland · 06/06/2014 00:06

'I am thinking about what I would do if my DW died. For my memories and the kid's memories I would put up a picture of my DW.'

I sure as fuck wouldn't be dating! And I can say that with some certainty. Our daughter is dead. I know how loss affects me personally and I have seen how it affects our surviving children.

And anyone who so much as sniffed about expunging my dead husband in any way, shape or form would be gone in a second.

expatinscotland · 06/06/2014 00:08

I think he has no business dating, tbh.

brdgrl · 06/06/2014 00:16

Please keep in mind that the OP's boyfriend was not married to the deceased, and there are no children from the relationship. I don't think OP has mentioned the length of the relationship. There have been a few references to "the love of his life", but not by the OP - these have been assumptions. I think this is relevant not because the loss of a girlfriend is necessarily less than the loss of a wife - or any such sweeping generalisation - but because people seem to be exaggerating the OP's situation for dramatic effect. Just as she hasn't talked about trying to "expunge" the former girlfriend - this is a creation by posters, I'm afraid.

I sure as fuck wouldn't be dating! If you really believe that you would never ever date again after losing a partner, expat, that is your choice and I'd never dream of trying to change your mind or judge you for it. Many people do date again, and I think it is a bit extreme to judge them for doing so. Just as many people may choose after losing a child to have another - it is really a matter of individual choice and for those who chose to love again, it can be a very healthy decision that adds to their happiness.

Toadinthehole · 06/06/2014 00:28

I think it's a very bad idea to be dating if one is still mourning, and I suspect that's the real issue here.

But how can it be inappropriate to keep a visual reminder of the person after then?

expatinscotland · 06/06/2014 00:32

First of all, I never said I'd never date, but not so soon.

'Please keep in mind that the OP's boyfriend was not married to the deceased, and there are no children from the relationship.'

And? Plenty of people never marry their partner or have children. So it's less valid to someone emotionally? Wow. Plenty here are not married to their partner, don't have children with them and hell, you think a boyfriend of 6 months is more important than the feelings of one's 13-year-old child. Says more about you than them.

expatinscotland · 06/06/2014 00:33

And it is obviously not healthy in this situation if you RTFT from start to finish.

SolidGoldBrass · 06/06/2014 00:33

Actually, before I read that OP has met the dead woman's parents, I was starting to think it was worth asking how the OP met the man in the first place. Because it's not, actually, totally impossible for someone to inivent a deceased beloved as a way of gaining sympathy and indulgence from a new partner, and it occurred to me that if OP met this man via (eg) online dating, the whole dead-girlfriend story might be untrue.

But, if there has been a meeting between OP, her partner and his dead partner's parents, then I'm inclined to side with Dione that this is a selfish, self-obsessed man with not much concern for other people's feelings. The parents lost their DD less than a year ago, and now her DD's boyfriend is insisting that they meet - and accept - her 'replacement'.

Bogeyface · 06/06/2014 00:34

I am thinking....

Picture still up
He pushed you to meet his parents
He is pushing you be a "good" as she was
He makes you feel bad when you dont live up to his expectations

He cant get over losing her and is trying to mold you into her so he doesnt have to.

Bogeyface · 06/06/2014 00:34

Sorry, meet her parents not his.

Bogeyface · 06/06/2014 00:35

I meant to say that the picture itself is not the issue, which I why I posted above that YABU. But when you add in the other stuff, it gets creepy.

He misses her so he is trying to turn you into her.

expatinscotland · 06/06/2014 00:36

He does not sound in a position to date.

brdgrl · 06/06/2014 00:45

Plenty of people never marry their partner or have children. So it's less valid to someone emotionally? Wow. Plenty here are not married to their partner, don't have children with them and hell, you think a boyfriend of 6 months is more important than the feelings of one's 13-year-old child. Says more about you than them.

RTFpost, expat. I explained in the very next sentence why I think it is relevant to point out that they were not married. Let me cut and paste that for you, shall I?
I think this is relevant not because the loss of a girlfriend is necessarily less than the loss of a wife - or any such sweeping generalisation - but because people seem to be exaggerating the OP's situation for dramatic effect.
And because the posts I was immediately replying to were the ones specifically mentioning spouses and children.

First of all, I never said I'd never date, but not so soon.
Actually, the post I replied to didn't mention a timeframe. But if you think there is one, please, what is it? What have you determined to be the appropriate grieving period, then? What is "so soon"?

And your reading comprehension really does suck, if that's what you've taken from the other thread.

expatinscotland · 06/06/2014 00:49

It is too soon for this person to date. He is making that obvious.

And yes, that's what I take from the other thread, differences of opinion, though they may be linked to how one construes another's writing, are just that.

You may continue to insinuate they derive from whatever you please, naturally.

Apachewarrior24 · 06/06/2014 01:57

Let's face it, in his eyes you will probably never even come close to her, you are doomed to be a walk on substitute.

superstarheartbreaker · 06/06/2014 06:20

Yabu and a bit odd and clingy tbh.

superstarheartbreaker · 06/06/2014 06:25

Sorry op...I didnt read the whole thing and posted in haste. I thunk yabu to expect him to take the picture down...yanbu to feel weird about him pining after her. Hes not over it and should probably not date.

brdgrl · 06/06/2014 08:08

Let's face it, in his eyes you will probably never even come close to her, you are doomed to be a walk on substitute.
This sort of comment is absurd - the poster has no idea what the OP's partner may feel for her now or in the future - and is just deliberately cruel.
What the actual fuck is wrong with you people? Do you kick puppies and spit on the homeless, too?
You make me sick.

Lemonylemon · 06/06/2014 10:53

OP: I say this kindly. I will repeat what I said previously. Your bf's late gf has been dead around about a year. She died in what you have said were "tragic circumstances". I take that to be a sudden death - after the sudden death of someone, you're likely to be in shock and feeling disbelief on top of everything else. If the death was due to a long illness, then you'd be dealing with other (and not so nice) emotions like survivor guilt, incredible stress etc. on top of bereavement. His actions may well be an effort to get back to some sort of "normality" and to try to not "move on" but "move along"...

There is no timetable for grief - it's just that in the first year or so, the general advice is not to make any big decisions or huge changes while you get some of your equilibrium back. I can point you in the direction of a forum, so you know I'm not bullshitting.

And I speak as someone who has lost my partner in tragic circumstances and it was very sudden and no, we weren't married, but had 3 weeks to go until our wedding day. I have his picture up and won't be taking it down any time soon. It's not a bad thing he has a picture of her - now, if he'd wiped out any trace of her from his life and pretended it never happened, that would be weird.

motherofmonster · 06/06/2014 10:58

I really don't see what your problem is here op.

You said that this wasn't the first time you have asked him to take it down..when was the first?? as to be honest asking for the first time after only 6 months is a bit much, let alone sooner.
How long were they together, im guessing it was a while as they were living together so not a couple of months relationship

The single picture that your boyfriend of 6 months has up makes you feel so uncomfortable, yet you are happy to be thinking of moving in with him to the home where he shared with her? i take it you stay the night at his house, have sex in the bed they shared ect so why is the picture such a massive thing to you?

Original poster
Botagonist · 06/06/2014 11:56

Because I don't need the visual reminder that's why.
It was her flat so am always going to be reminded.
I only mentioned it very recently.

OP posts:
stephenmanaganiseverywhere · 06/06/2014 12:10

Because I don't need the visual reminder that's why

But maybe he does? Or if not need, then really wants it.

motherofmonster · 06/06/2014 12:13

you may not need or want a visual reminder, but your boyfriend obv does.
You are either going to need to accept that there she was a part of his life, there will be reminders quite possibly years from now for him and learn to accept it.
Otherwise it wont be the memory of this woman destroying your relationship, it will be you pushing your insecurity onto a grieving partner that does

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 06/06/2014 12:18

It was her flat?

OP you have had a lot of replies on here which I really hope have shown you how unreasonable the average person would think you were being.

I really think you - and he - should take a big step back. It's clearly waaay too soon, he sounds as if he may have issues anyway.

It's screamingly obvious that he is rebounding like a bloody boomerang in his grief, and that you are going to get hurt.