To want my bf of six months to take down photographs of his previous gf who died tragically

[Botagonist]

My bf of six months' previous gf died suddenly last year in tragic circumstances. He still lives in the flat that they shared and I live separately with my two teenagers.

Am I being unreasonable to want him to take down a photo of her that he has in the lounge? It bothers me and makes me feel that I will always be in her shadow.

I have mentioned this before to him but he doesn't seem to understand how I feel and it's still there. I understand that people want to hold onto memories of the past but I feel this is detrimental to the future.

"The literature says...."

Ffs!!

My dh doesn't have his dead partners picture at all. But if he did then I wouldn't mind. She was part of his life, part of what made him who he is.

Sorry OP. YABU.

Sorry but YABU. My husbands first wife died suddenly and I feel privileged when he chooses to share her memory with me. He doesn't do it often. When he does it's usually about how great she was - which is perfectly natural, who goes out of their way to remember the bad stuff?
In the same way I have mentioned ex's that meant a lot to me and my husband listens (without judging himself or hopefully feeling jealous)
In time your bf will put away the pic. My husband did. It could take years tho.

Perhaps, if your not willing to wait, he's not the right bloke for you?

Botagonist I think you need to fucking grow up. He will always love her and you either need to accept that or move on. Simple as that really!

What they've all said.

Very, very unreasonable.

Is this post a wind up?

Nice of you to start a shit storm and then stand back op. Bored are you?

well if he wasnt "over" her he should not have began dating?

You sound very immature emotionally OP. You are not in competition with your BF's ex. She was, and always will be, a part of his past. If you don't like it, leave him so he can find someone grown up with empathy.

Yabvu. This was someone he loved. She died, she didn't break his heart and dump him and he is still pining.

My friend was widowed at the age of 26!!! She is now 31 and married someone else 3 months ago. He is a wonderful man and paid for a tattoo she wanted at Christmas incorporating her late husbands name. When they moved in together he also hung pictures of him in their home.
He is a grown up. He knows her first husband was taken from her and that he will always hold a place in her heart but that doesn't stop her loving him as well.
Yabu and immature.

You know even if he takes down the picture she is a part of him. A part of him will still love her forever, he will still be grieving.

A picture is a visual memory even if you force him to get rid of that then every time and moment he had with her will still be there.

Picture or no picture if this is how you feel you should not be with him because you will always put yourself in her shadow and you will never measure up to his memories in your opinion.

You will taint his memories by getting upset and do yourself no good.

I do have some sympathy for you, OP.

Sometimes it is difficult enough not to be jealous of previous, live girlfriends, if you know that they meant a great deal to your present partner and you''re not feeling very secure in your own relationship yet.

Ex-partners who have died (especially young and tragically) can arouse very difficult feelings as, firstly, the relationship was broken up forcibly and involuntarily, and not because either party wanted out, which must sometimes make you wonder if he would still prefer to be with her, if he could. Where someone had lost a previous partner involuntarily, I can see how it could seem that you will feel in permanent "competition" with her unrless your partner assures you otherwise. (the Mrs De Winter syndrome) There is also sometimes a tendency to idealise the dead, especially if they died young, and so you may fear, not only comparison, but comparison with someone whose best qualities have been immortalised and lesser ones forgotten. So I do think it is a difficult situation for you and I do sympathise,

I think the answer here is time. If you have been with your partner for six months and his previous girlfriend died only last year, it is not surprising for you to wonder if he is ready for a new commitment. If you really care about him - as you seem to - I would try really hard not to impose any conditions for another six months or so. At that point, you will have been together for a year and he may well be ready to put the photo away himself - or be willing to, if you ask him sensitively.

His memories of her will never die, of course, but he may not need a prominently visible reminder of her, which is what is upsetting you.

Well op. Lots of unanimous yabus. I think I've only seen one other.

looked at the spelling of unanimous too long

OP, are you still around?

I'm sorry people are being unkind on this thread. I don't think you should ask him to take it down, but I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling anxious and uncomfortable in a relatively new relationship where you are probably still trying to figure out exactly where you fit in. You're just human and six months is nothing when it comes to feeling secure and 'out of the shadow'.

How does your DP treat you otherwise? Do you feel that he is ready to move on, or are you being asked to make 'allowances' constantly for inconsiderate or thoughtless behaviour because of his loss? Does he treat you with respect and try to make you happy? Are you fully involved in his life?

Honestly, one photo in the lounge doesn't sound bad to me. Is that the extent of it? Are there pictures of you? Do you plan to live together at some point?

(And yes, I am married to a widower. Happy to talk to you by pm if you like.)

Thank you brd and better for those kind words.
In my defence we socialise with her parents who are lovely people and I have tried to be understanding about how he feels.
The literature I referred if was recommended to me on here ironically and is by Abel Keogh if people can be bothered looking.
I feel that people have been horribly harsh which is why I did not come back sooner.

Well done, for coming back OP.

People have been harsh, but you sound incredibly insensitive to your partner, and the relationship - the very recent relationship - he had with his gf. It is incredibly early days for him, and I think you should respect that.

Yabu.

Having a reltionship with someone who has been bereaved comes with its own challenges. I mean this very kindly, OP - are you absolutely sure you have the emotional maturity to be in such a relationship?

Abel Keogh is very good. Be careful, though, there is a lot out there about what the widower needs and whether he is ready and so on...but really, at the end of the day, you need to think about what you need, too. Compassion and empathy for your partner is very important, but it is also really important that your needs are being met, just as in any relationship. If your DP isn't ready to do that, then you can move on. That doesn't make you a bad person - everyone wants to feel that they come first with the person they love. My DH had some wobbly moments when we were first together, and I almost walked, but he makes sure I know that he loves me now, and that he chooses to be with me. Which is what anyone wants and deserves to hear and know from their partner. The more secure you feel, the more comfortable you will feel with the outward signs of his memories of her.

My stepmum spent an afternoon sorting and framing photographs of my mum and us as kids.
She is a keen gardener and regularly visits my mums grave, with or without my dad to tend the various bits that need tending.
She is respectful and considerate. Secure and mature.

You, OP, should not be in this relationship.

Abel Keogh suggests that memorials/photos should "slowly come down" "when you are ready to date again".

Even if you decide to believe this one writer: maybe your boyfriend isn't ready? Maybe you are a temporary fixture, maybe he's not ready to move on? And even when he does become so, maybe he won't put down the pictures, despite what one commentator (who happens to say what you want to hear) says.

It's not up to you. Nothing to do with you.

It was a year ago and all the literature says that you should take down such things if you are dating again

What the actual fuck? How insensitive can you get?

You don't even live with him anyway. How he remembers and grieves in his own home is absolutely none of your business.

How can anyone compare an ex to someone who died? My first husband will never be my ex.

I carry his pic in my purse, I have a tattoo that I got near the end. We chose it together and relates to a personal joke we shared.

It really doesn't sound like you are ready for this. You can't rush his grieving process but you can decide if it is the right relationship for you. If you are struggling to cope with how he is managing his life them it's not really the time for you to be with this man.

Pfft! at horribly harsh