To want my bf of six months to take down photographs of his previous gf who died tragically

[Botagonist]

My bf of six months' previous gf died suddenly last year in tragic circumstances. He still lives in the flat that they shared and I live separately with my two teenagers.

Am I being unreasonable to want him to take down a photo of her that he has in the lounge? It bothers me and makes me feel that I will always be in her shadow.

I have mentioned this before to him but he doesn't seem to understand how I feel and it's still there. I understand that people want to hold onto memories of the past but I feel this is detrimental to the future.

OP, I am horrified at your attitude here. She died. It is not the same as her being his ex, and she is no threat to you whatsoever.

I dated a guy whose fiancee died not quite 2 years before we met. He had a beautiful picture of her in his lounge and it just never, ever occurred to me to think anything negative of it. It was a privilege to be the person with whom he shared his thoughts about moving on from her. We talked about her, he told me stories about how they met and the time they were together. It wasn't anything other than lovely.

I cannot fathom how anyone could be as insensitive and frankly mean as you are being.

YABVVVU.

I don't really want to say circumstances of death as my bf may see this thread.

If your bf sees this thread, having disclosed the circumstances of her death will be the least of your worries.

I'm sure he'll be far more concerned with your complete lack of empathy.

Look, this relationship simply isn't working. Either he is still too raw from the loss of his partner to be dating at all, or he is not a very nice man (being bereaved doesn't stop someone who is an arsehole from being an arsehole) - or you are desperate, pushy and determined to turn the whole thing into a competition between you and the woman who died.

Maybe you are very young, massively insecure and used to being treated as second-best, and that's why you have ended up in this situation - you seek out competition in relationships because it feels familiar. But the relationship is not actually doing either you or him any good. End it, as gracefully as you can and move on.

Bettercallsaul1. Your advice on this thread has been sensible and measured. I agree with the 'unreasonableness' of the OP's request but do think she sounds horribly insecure rather than uncaring and mean, and perhaps, rather young

there is absolutely no comparison to a dead parent or child. A romantic relationship is different.

I find this an odd thought OP.

Comparing levels of grief dependent on the relationship of the deceased to the bereved (an therefore expecting the bereved to 'get over it') is distastefull.

The loss of a 'romantic' partner could easily be just as devastating as the loss of a parent.

A couple of people have recently suggested that OP may be quite young. She probably is, from where I'm sitting [gimmer] but she does have teenage children, so she is likely to be late 30s or older...as I say, still pretty young but not a kiddy-wink.

I'm not sure this proves anything either way, other than you're never too old to feel insecure in a relationship I guess.

I opened this thread with trepidation. My new partner gave me a very hard time because I didn't put photos of my dead husband away when he came on the scene. I didn't want to, especially as he was the father of my very young children. As time went on, he resented my contact with my husband's family and saw it as a sign that I was not committed to him.

I am so relieved that most people think the OP is unreasonable and I would warn her that I don't think I will ever stop feeling anger that my partner did this. I wish I'd stood up for myself.

I probably would have done if I'd been on MN!

Please tell me he's now your ex Teeny.

He's not my ex Isabella, but I now contact who I choose. It took me a long, long time to realise it was his problem, not mine, though.

Infinity I wasn't making a comparison between dead child or dead lover. My point was that people grieve in different ways, if you want pictures of your dead, parents, child or lover up for 1 week or for 25 years that is your prerogative and you shouldn't be made to do different by a new partner or extended family. Same goes for how you grieve, everyone is different and you shouldn't say someone is not respectful because they grieve differently.

OP This doesn't sound like the healthiest realtionship for you or that he is ready for a full on relationship. Obviosuly we don't know you both but you have asked for opinions and have been given them. Sorry

YAB a bit U .But I think if you move in together it would be unreasonable for him to have photos up then.

You sound like your trying to diminish the relationship your BF HAS with his lost love by says you get how hard the death of a parent or child is... are you for real or is this a wind up? Notice I use the word HAS not HAD, this is important that you are mindful that this to him will always be HAVE because neither of them had a choice and he will always love her.
You DON'T get over this form of grief the closest you get is to learn to live with it.
Your partner/husband/wife the person you CHOSE is ripped from your life, taken away for ever and there is nothing you can do, this is just as "hard" as losing the above... what can you not get? And how dare you!!
To me you sound like you have major issues of your own and this IS YOUR issue not your bf's.
I think you have 2 choices a) you need to seek help for your own insecurities and learn about grief or b) leave this poor guy alone.
What ever you decide you need to understand grief, read about it, read the theorist and learn that no matter what the relationship is if you love then your heartbreaks!!
I have worked for Cruse and I have counselled people who have been made to feel worse by the likes of people like you who have no comprehension and absolutely no compassion or empathy!
It's not band wagon jumping its the sheer incredibility of your lack of any feelings and selfishness that have shocked me.

Wanting to keep a photo of a deceased partner up DOES NOT mean they are not ready to be with someone else. What rubbish.
Exactly. The OP has posted about her situation because she is concerned that it does. It doesn't (or at least, doesn't necessarily). Telling her that her BF is not ready to move on is just bitchy - there is no way any one posting here can know that, and it seems intended just to make the OP feel worse, because she needs to be punished and flogged on MN for having feelings of anything less than perfect martyrdom.

The mum of one her close friends, married a widower, when they moved into their new house, this woman put family photos up including many of her husbands, deceased wife. A worthwhile person wouldnt object.
No. That individual didn't object. I'm not sure that makes her a better human being than the OP. There is also a world of difference between how one might feel six months into a relationship with a person who has lost their partner, and how one might feel at the point of moving in or again at the ten, twenty, sixty year mark. Security in any relationship comes with time. The OP will learn this. Some of the things that bother her now won't, once she's secure in the relationship and they have more history and 'moments' of their own. Someday, there will be pictures of her and her DP on their walls, and she'll find that she no longer has any issues with appropriate reminders of her DP's past. (And hopefully, her DP will for his part have learned how to offer her more security!)

Brdgirl - I think what might be making some posters snippy with the OP is that she gives the impression of being determined to force a deeper relationship with the bereaved man than he is actually ready for. Obviously we don't know them but it could be that the OP is the one who made all the running after a man in a vulnerable, recently-bereaved state.
Or it could be that the man is milking the 'Boohoo my dead girlfriend' situation in order to enjoy making the OP bark and roll over on cue and do anything he wants. We don't know.

How big is the photo? Is it just one of many? I'd find it very hard to have a relationship with a bereaved man. I do want to be number one woman and feel I am the most amazing woman they have ever met. I did end a relationship because a bloke who had been dumped the year before told me he wasn't sure if he could feel the same way about me as he did his ex.
People think my actions are OK and he was cruel because she was an ex but judge people who are in the same scenario with a dead ex more harshly.
If his ex is still the main woman in his life I'd move on, if it's just a photo and not the centrepiece of the room and he doesn't witter on about her all the time and make you feel a poor substitute I'd give it time and build enough good memories together that the old memories fade.

We don't know.
Precisely.

Jealous of a dead woman? YABU get a fucking grip.

No kids involved.
One picture but he has recently moved it to a more prominent place.
We started off more as casual but it was him who asked me to be exclusive and then we became a proper item.

Only read the first few posts but just wanted to say YABU. You have only been going out a short while, I'm sure he will take it down in his own time.

I don't think this man is ready for another relationship yet. He's been through a lot and although you say he was the one suggesting you became a proper item if I were you, I would very gently and slowly try to tone things down. He may be looking for someone to help him through the bad times, which is perfectly ok, whilst you might be looking for the start of a full emotional relationship. Can you be a friend for a while and re-think things in the future?

Don't think I can tone things down as you suggest. I love him very much and believe he loves me too.
He's very all or nothing anyway and he wants to move things on anyway.
Maybe you are right and the timing is not right but we are involved now.

Botagonist, if my husband/partner/boyfriend died suddenly, and my date of 6 months even mentioned to remove a photo of him IN MY OWN HOUSE, that person would be out the door with a shoe print on his arse in less than 5 seconds, and would never, ever hear from me again.

Your only excuse is probably that you are too immature and inexperienced to realise how unbelievably preposterous, unreasonable and mean you are being to your boyfriend.

I'm not his 'date' we are talking about moving in together in the next few months.
I am neither immature or inexperienced either just someone struggling with a problem but it must be lovely to be so sure of yourself and unhelpful.