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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my bf of six months to take down photographs of his previous gf who died tragically

343 replies

Botagonist · 02/06/2014 21:45

My bf of six months' previous gf died suddenly last year in tragic circumstances. He still lives in the flat that they shared and I live separately with my two teenagers.

Am I being unreasonable to want him to take down a photo of her that he has in the lounge? It bothers me and makes me feel that I will always be in her shadow.

I have mentioned this before to him but he doesn't seem to understand how I feel and it's still there. I understand that people want to hold onto memories of the past but I feel this is detrimental to the future.

OP posts:
musicalendorphins2 · 04/06/2014 06:57

Don't feel threatened and jealous, she can't hurt your relationship. Be glad he is a person who can love deeply. Would you want the photo gone if it was his best male friend, or a sister/cousin that died? Same thing.... there is nothing for you to feel worried about. It must be so horrible to loose a life mate as he did, don't take away his memories, help create brand new ones!

Itsfab · 04/06/2014 07:59

Wanting to keep a photo of a deceased partner up DOES NOT mean they are not ready to be with someone else. What rubbish.

LiberalLibertine · 04/06/2014 09:05

My bf died 18 years ago,I don't have his photos on display anymore, but that's only recent. I've been with dp for 12 years, he's never suggested taking them down, well there was only one on the bedroom window sill, and if he had I would have refused.

YABU

Tangerinefairy · 04/06/2014 09:12

I am shocked by this op as many have said. Please have a heart. I could not be with someone so lacking in compassion. Your total lack of respect for his feelings will not help your relationship to blossom.

CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla · 04/06/2014 10:14

I do get what you're saying. You're worried he might compare you to her. You're worried he will always talk about her, sit and stare at the photo when he's depressed etc etc etc. He will take it down, eventually. I've learned something in my relationship (and I'm probably a lot younger than you!) to be patient. men will do things. Eventually. Just don't say anything. Bit petty to have an argument over, isn't it? Leave it.

CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla · 04/06/2014 10:16

Also he probably won't get over it for a while. That picture will be up for a while. If you don't like it, it's tough. please be respectful of his feelings.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/06/2014 10:20

I shared this story with a friend.

The mum of one her close friends, married a widower, when they moved into their new house, this woman put family photos up including many of her husbands, deceased wife. A worthwhile person wouldnt object.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 04/06/2014 10:32

Taking her photo away won't take his feelings away, will it? But it'll make him resent you forever. You've already asked him, he said no. The matter's closed.

If you can't cope with the first Mrs de Winter smiling down at you every time you snuggle up to him on his sofa, you'll have to move on and find someone else, I'm afraid.

Debs75 · 04/06/2014 10:44

YABVU and my reason for feeling this is you appear to have no compassion at all for this man and what he has gone through.

Sod the literature - he will take the pic down when he feels it is the right time, if you cajole him into doing it earlier then he feels is right then you are risking your relationship.

Death affects people in very different ways, when my best friend lost her son she grieved for a long time and filled her home with pictures of him. Her MIL after 3 months mentioned every time she visited 'you should take them down now it's been too long' How my friend didn't lamp her I have no idea. MIL refused to speak about the son unless it was to slag friend off for not visiting the grave, apparently she wasn't respecting him. I am sure they were both suffering in their grief but there was no compassion in allowing my friend to grieve her way. By putting a timescale on grief you are damaging that person.

A PP said you may not be his new love of his life and that may be so. You could be the one who is introducing him to relationships again and when he is secure you could be out the door and he will look for 'the one'. I know that is incredibly harsh but I am sure many of us have been the rebound girl. Be considerate to the man and lethim have his picture

ClockWatchingLady · 04/06/2014 10:51

Blimey, people. Give the OP a break.
She's being a human, with normal human feelings. It's a complicated situation. She obviously cares enough about this to ask on here - which is pretty brave I think, especially with the barrage of abuse, and overconfident judgments about a situation we know little about, she's received.

Infinity8 · 04/06/2014 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notaflamingclue · 04/06/2014 11:12

I'm not that interested in haranguing the OP for being so unreasonable. Quite often when I visit this forum I get a mental picture of all these harpies falling over themselves to jump on the latest bandwagon of outrage.

However it seems clear to me that this thread could only really have been started by someone who's never lost someone.

IAmNotDarling · 04/06/2014 11:16

My DF was in a relationship very quickly after my DM died.

The new GF asked him to take down photos after 6months.

She was quickly out of the door.

Original poster
Botagonist · 04/06/2014 11:17

Partly the reason I feel this way is I think he's very hard on me at times and critical whereas she is on a pedestal totally. I get that people only remember the good about the dead but I feel it's so unbalanced. No one and no relationship is ever perfect.
I am not suggesting he forget her just maybe put the picture away when I'm there which I don't feel us much to ask actually. You can have memories without a physical reminder that clearly bothers me.
There are other issues that make me think it's unfair but don't want to out myself.

OP posts:
squoosh · 04/06/2014 11:22

The reason he's hard on you and puts her on a pedestal is because she only very recently died and I seriously doubt he's in the right head space for a new relationship.

QuacksForDoughnuts · 04/06/2014 11:24

YANBU to not be happy about the picture, it can't be easy to have her watching you any time you visit him or feel that his eyes are drifting towards her while he's with you. (I may be extrapolating wildly from how I'd feel in your place, apologies if I've got it totally wrong - my experience is with former partners who are alive and active participants in whatever about them annoys me) YABU on the other hand to push the point at this stage. You haven't been with him that long and she hasn't been dead that long. If you got to the moving in together stage and would be going somewhere neutral (i.e. not 'hers') it would be reasonable to suggest that the picture not have pride of place, but for now - awkward though it may feel - he has every right to have it where it is.

Original poster
Botagonist · 04/06/2014 11:32

Oh and thank you to those posters who have not joined the bandwagon of outrage and been supportive. I agree that there is absolutely no comparison to a dead parent or child. A romantic relationship is different.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 04/06/2014 11:39

"Partly the reason I feel this way is I think he's very hard on me at times and critical whereas she is on a pedestal totally."

That must be hard, but as others have said, I think that's another indication that he's just not ready for a new, full-on relationship. You can't compete with her; you shouldn't have to, in the long term, but at present he is making you and how is that a basis for a good relationship?

At six months, a relationship should still be new, be fun, be in the all hearts and flowers stage. It doesn't sounds as if he is in the least bit ready for that.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/06/2014 11:45

I think he's very hard on me at times and critical
After only 6 months he's hard on your and critical???
Blimey, that's not good at all.
You should still be in the honeymood period.
Not really liking the sound of this guy TBH!

Hissy · 04/06/2014 12:09

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Hissy · 04/06/2014 12:13

i think you have to end this. He may not be strong enough to process what he has to process to get to a place where he's ready.

for whatever reason he has no right to be hard/mean to you, and agreed definitely not after 6m. No relationship is worth that.

If it is meant to be it will be, but he needs to do some thinking, and so do you.

shakethetree · 04/06/2014 12:24

What were the tragic circumstances surrounding the poor woman's death?
If the photo is of her smiling just before she chokes on an olive or something then yanbu. Otherwise, yabu, simply because 6 months isn't long enough to be ( what I'd call anyway ) in a serious relationship.

PuddingAndHotMilk · 04/06/2014 12:25

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Original poster
Botagonist · 04/06/2014 12:29

I don't really want to say circumstances of death as my bf may see this thread.

OP posts:
shakethetree · 04/06/2014 12:43

That's fair enough - but honestly, a 6 month relationship isn't really that long. If you're still together at Christmas ( & if the photo is still bothering you ) then mention it to him. If you think it's unreasonable & the photo makes you feel uneasy, then who are we to dismiss your feelings? - this is your relationship not ours. Talk to him about it Smile

Good luck.

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