To want my bf of six months to take down photographs of his previous gf who died tragically

[Botagonist]

My bf of six months' previous gf died suddenly last year in tragic circumstances. He still lives in the flat that they shared and I live separately with my two teenagers.

Am I being unreasonable to want him to take down a photo of her that he has in the lounge? It bothers me and makes me feel that I will always be in her shadow.

I have mentioned this before to him but he doesn't seem to understand how I feel and it's still there. I understand that people want to hold onto memories of the past but I feel this is detrimental to the future.

Yes actually he dislikes me keeping in touch with an ex that I was with for four years

You are insane. with respect.

you are talking moving in with someone you don't know.

Yes actually he dislikes me keeping in touch with an ex that I was with for four years

you need to bin him. for that alone.

Actually, OP, I can see, as a previous poster said, why you would want him to take the picture down, without thinking that actually he should.

It sounds to me as though there is a kind of tacit competition here, of his making not yours, if he is critical of you but his late GF is very overtly on a pedestal. That doesn't sound like something that is good for you at all, nor a very healthy relationship.

It also sounds as though he is pushing the pace of the relationship and is keen for you to move in. There is a bit of a tension, potentially, between his being so keen for you to move in but so unkeen to take down the picture and generally adjust to his GF no longer being there.

All of which points to it being a good idea for you to slow down the pace and not let him dictate the timetable. Do reread SGB's post, as she makes some good points (not that I think you should necessarily leave).

I'm shocked so many people think OP is BU.

That would make me feel v. uncomfortable and think he was still in love with her. A deal breaker for me. I'd want someone who was 100% emotionally committed to me not pining over a GF/wife - dead or alive.

Username12345 she hasn't been dead a year. I suspect this is a man still in mourning.

My dp still loved an ex as do I. We have some of her artwork up cause it's good. His love for her is in a way part of our love - it was the respectful way he spoke about her, despite it not working out, that made me realise he was a good'un right at the beginning. The fact that I felt this way made him love me more.

Not going to flame you or say yabu - it's tough and our hearts are naked in those early stages. But I hope that story helps.

somewhere, that's a very valid point - it was the respectful way he spoke about her, despite it not working out, that made me realise he was a good'un right at the beginning

far better than slagging off the ex at every opportunity as many do

OP, how would you feel at the thought that he could forget you and move on so easily to the next partner?

But if he is controlling about your contact with exes, that's a whole different matter. If you can't talk to each other openly and patiently, each listening to the other POV, there is NO hope for your relationship.

squoosh I understand that. IMO they shouldn't be dating. He's still grieving for his ex and OP sounds like a rebound or a crutch for his grief.

Why would you want to be with someone who's still in love with someone else.

Username, because you have incredibly low self esteem, or are desperate to be in 'any' relationship no matter how dysfunctional, or you are so determined to 'win' your man that you will do whatever it takes to make him 'yours'.
There are probably dozens of reasons why people behave like that.

I am beginning to think that both the OP and her bereaved boyfriend are fuckups. He is either still so raw from his loss that he is behaving unpleasantly to OP because making someone else unhappy eases his pain or he is actually an abusive type of man (nasty about her exes, being the one pushing the pace of the relationship too fast, critical of OP, impatient with her insecurity).

The OP sounds desperate not to be single, desperate to 'win' - and unable to see what sound like a fair few red flags in the man's behaviour which would be red flags even if he wasn't recently bereaved.So she's concentrating on having jealous tantrums rather than asking herself whether this relationship is worth having in the first pace.

Fuckups. Thanks.
Am leaving thread. Thanks to those people who have been supportive.

OP, please reconsider moving in with your BF. In my experience, all or nothing men tend to mean all that I want, nothing that you want. He is already being critical and controlling of you.

Why did he move the photo? Was it after you spoke to him about it? What were his reasons for introducing you to his dead girlfriend's grieving parents?

It's a picture. To remember someone who died, its not the same as breaking up with someone.
He shouldn't ask you not to speak to your ex but its not the same.
If i was in your position and i loved the bloke i wouldn't ask him to take the picture down.

He moved it before I mentioned it.
We see her parents as he is close to them and I guess they don't want to lose the link with their daughter.
They are all fond of each other and I wouldn't want to discourage that.

Creaming deep insecurity, OP. I dont think this relationship is the right one for either of you.

*screaming

olympics you sound like how a couple of my Dad's friends reacted when he got with a new partner quite quickly after my Mum died. They got married, moved house for a fresh start and she became my 'Mum'. It may have seemed wrong but my Dad was a 31 year old man suddenly bereaved with 3 children including a baby (me). He did the best he could at the time. How do you know that they don't talk about their Mum? We did plenty, but probably rarely in front of visitors. We had photos of my Mum in our rooms and access to all the photo albums, but not all over the house as life moves on. Life hasn't been without it's ups and downs but I dare say his judgemental friends would have been happier to see him lonely and grieving how they considered appropriately, and a toddler denied a new Mum, who has been brilliant my whole life.

I understand his and their desire to remain close. But why does he bring you to meet them OP? Most families I know find it difficult and upsetting meeting the new partners. I could understand if grandchildren were involved, but that is not the case here. How do you feel when you are with them?

OP: AIBU?

Mumsnet: YES

OP: but, but, but you're all wrong, have no idea of the story, I luv 'i'm. You're all bitches.

"It's not a question of competing it's more the lack of understanding that's the issue."

Words fail me.

Six months is too soon to be this worried about something in a relationship. You are meant to still be in the fun stage.
Bluntly put, he's trying to move in too fast to replace her with someone, and you seem pretty desperate to have someone too and do seem insecure.
I don't think this is a relationship with a good future, sorry. Stop now, dust yourself down and move on. If you really love him (after six months) you'll let him grieve in peace and find the right person when he's truly ready for a new relationship.

I think alot of people are comparing this woman to an exwife, she was only a girlfriend, they never married. Given that I wonder why you are bothered about meeting her parents. That does sound odd and pushy. She wasn't your friend it does sound as though you're insisting on doing everything together. Different if she was an exwife and they were inlaws or they had kids together.
If the relationship is to work I'd be taking things slower, you don't have to do things at his pace, just because he is all or nothing doesn't mean you have to follow. Let him meet her parents alone, they're his friends not your friends. Don't move in yet just take things slowly. I do think the photo is irrelevant here and would just view it as you'd view the photo of a dead parent or grandparent. She was part of his life, now she isn't.

It was his Idea for me to meet her parents.
He told them he was In a new relationship and they were pleased and he asked them if they wanted to meet me. I am not pushing for us to do everything together.
That's far from the truth.

OP. Yabu. This is not a good relationship.

I think you are too bothered about he wants. You don't meet exgirlfriends parents if they split up usually unless there are children involved so why meet them because she died? If one of my children died I'm not sure I'd want their ex introducing their replacement to me especially if they never married. Different if they are going to be the step parent of my grandchildren but if they were just my dead child's boy/girlfriends new love I'd presume that I wouldn't be in their life much in the future anyway as the only thing we had in common is now gone.
I rarely meet the parents of my husband's exwife, just at functions concerning the children. OK his wife isn't dead but I don't see why I'd meet them more if she was dead unless it was for the children.