To want my bf of six months to take down photographs of his previous gf who died tragically

[Botagonist]

My bf of six months' previous gf died suddenly last year in tragic circumstances. He still lives in the flat that they shared and I live separately with my two teenagers.

Am I being unreasonable to want him to take down a photo of her that he has in the lounge? It bothers me and makes me feel that I will always be in her shadow.

I have mentioned this before to him but he doesn't seem to understand how I feel and it's still there. I understand that people want to hold onto memories of the past but I feel this is detrimental to the future.

I love him very much

Good. Then you need to let him grieve for in his own way and at his own pace.

The issues where he's constantly putting you down - keep these as an entirely separate issue to the picture or the girlfriend. If he is being disrespectful to you, call him on it. If you feel he's making unfair comparisons 'GF never used to do it that way...' then point out that you are a different person, and you will do things your way.

But don't ask him to move the picture before he's ready.

Remember you are both coming to the relationship with your own backgrounds. It might be wise for you to both take the time get comfortable with your each other's pasts before you push the relationship on.

I have married a widower, and she has not been airbrushed from his life. I understand it well though, as my ex bf died suddenly. We both give eachother time to talk if we have upsetting dreams etc. anniversaries can be a hard time as well. I think you need to understand what it's like going through the agony of losing somebody you loved....I had left my bf and disliked him at the time he died and am madly in love with my husband but it still hurts. It will always hurt, do not airbrush his life or feelings.

You're being precious. A dead partner is no threat unless you make it so.

How big is the photo? Is it just one of many? I'd find it very hard to have a relationship with a bereaved man. I do want to be number one woman and feel I am the most amazing woman they have ever met. I did end a relationship because a bloke who had been dumped the year before told me he wasn't sure if he could feel the same way about me as he did his ex.
People think my actions are OK and he was cruel because she was an ex but judge people who are in the same scenario with a dead ex more harshly.
If his ex is still the main woman in his life I'd move on, if it's just a photo and not the centrepiece of the room and he doesn't witter on about her all the time and make you feel a poor substitute I'd give it time and build enough good memories together that the old memories fade.

She wasn't his ex gf before she died she was his gf!

You seem determined to compete with a dead woman and make this all about you. Why are you analysing how much he loved her? It's not really any of your business. You sound extremely selfish. Even if this does make you feel insecure, you have no right to ask him to take it down. Let him grieve in peace.
And by the way, saying you are being unreasonable doesn't mean jumping on the bandwagon, it's just expressing an opinion. If you didn't want opinions, you shouldn't have asked. Have you ever considered the fact that you might just be in the wrong here?

I still don't like the sound of him though.

So now he knows that you don't like it and it makes you uncomfortable, he's moved it to a MORE prominent place?!?

You really need to look hard at your relationship with this man.
Don't move in with him any time soon. I think more of his true colours will show soon enough.

Also, one year is nothing, my husbands wife died ten years ago, my bf died six years ago on Sunday, I think it's amazing that he's been ready for a relationship so soon. He should be supported in getting hinself together so quickly. Leave him alone.

Can you not put yourself in the position of his ex, and realise that you would not want to be completely deleted from your loved one's life within a few months of your early death? Would you really want to be with a man who would behave like that towards someone he had loved?

I am not expecting her to be deleted. He mentions her often and as I said upthread we still see her parents quite regularly.
I just need some sensitivity too. I don't think taking it down when I'm there is much to ask.
It's not a question of competing it's more the lack of understanding that's the issue.
We all have a past.

And he doesn't think you NOT making such a big deal out of it after only seeing him for 6m is too much to ask.

Why should he move any photo ?

You've known this guy for a VERY short time. You haven't got any right to ask this of him.

You are way too over invested in this for such a short relationship. You've lost all perspective here.

You are extremely insecure in yourself and need to address that. Before you embark on any relationship with anyone.

Have you been out with anyone else, who does have a former partner that is still around?

If they were bitter enemies, you do know that this in itself is a complete no-no?

A guy with a good relationship with his ex, is a better bet than one that doesn't.

Have you considered that this man gets support from his parents and hers, their mutual friends and wider circle, and if he dumps her memory the instant he meets the next woman he sees (and I say again, 6m is nothing wrt relationship duration) then he's likely to lose all sympathy and support from the people in his life, for someone who may or may not work out.

If someone 'told' me to move a photo of someone i'd lost, i'd bin em. If I were too fragile to do that i'd probably move the photo to a more prominent position too tbh.

Some widowers do hook up soon after they lose their dp/dw, because they need the physical love/practical day to day stuff. It's selfish of them somehow as emotionally they're unavailable.

You insisting he do anything wrt his deceased ex is totally out of order. You don't have that right at all.

He could be a bastard, but we don't know that. After 6m, neither do you.

You have to face facts that if he never stops talking about her, or socialising with her family, or displays her photo, you must choose to accept this or not.

If not, you need to end the relationship.

To have that conversation though, telling him that would make you look a complete bitch, and it'd probably hurt him, so i'd suggest you keep it vague and 'it's just not working' kind of thing.

Yabu sorry

We all have a past.

This is where you are being ridiculously unreasonable.

Yes, we all have a past but we don't all have one which involves a lover dying tragically.

Are you really too insensitive to see that it is absolutely nothing like you having taken down the photos of your ex.

Also, your wish for him to only take the photos down when you are there is just weird. If you really don't want them up, why is it ok when you're not there?

OP: It's the beginning of June... You've been seeing your bf for 6 months, which would take us back to December last year. His gf only died several months before he started seeing you.

My advice? Someone needs to tell your bf he started seeing your way too soon after his gf died. I don't think that he should take the picture down. Maybe his reaction of moving the picture to a more prominent place was a reaction to you being not quite so sensitive towards the matter as you could have been.

Botagonist, pretty much every single person on this thread says you are being unreasonable and unfair. You're obviously not ready to accept this and look at the bigger picture.
Why don't you focus on your feelings and why this is such a big deal to you? How do you really feel about the picture? Is it about the picture or insecurities in your relationship? What if the picture was still there in 6 months time, or 2yrs or 5yrs?
You can't force your bf to do something he's not ready to do.

YES YABU. You come across as childish. I have a male friend whose wife died very young. She was the love of his life (childhood sweetheart, massively in love), young children when she died. She chose a lovely house for him to bring the children up in. Imagine my horror when a few months after her death my friend started dating someone else. The new girlfriend had him move all the pictures from the house except in the children's bedroom - she also pushed out the dead wife's family who had been so close to my friend. They are now married and have moved from the house that first wife chose and died in. I feel sorry for the children, their mother is hardly mentioned she has been airbrushed and the second wife is 'Mum'. I always thought this was awful so glad that others agree.

Do you look like her?

That's really sad Olympics. I am a step parent and know it can be difficult for a lot of people but it makes me angry to hear of others being so unreasonably horrible.

Feelings of insecurity, discomfort and jealousy are totally normal in these situations, but there are appropriate ways to act on those feelings. That's what I think the OP is missing.

olympics what your friend's husband and new wife have done in terms of airbrushing his first wife out of family history is unforgivable. I wonder how the children will feel about it when they're older.

To be honest though I wouldn't want to live in a house where my husband's previous partner had died. I'd want a fresh start in a home with less history.

its one photo, on the wall, in the lounge - not a massive life size picture of her in the nude positioned on the ceiling above his bed (in which case you would hear a resounding YANBU)

I am flabbergasted that you claim to love this man and appear to be entirely focused on your own feelings of hurt, not his. can you even begin to imagine what it took for him to even feel able to move on, even a little bit.

did you know her/them before, or did you only meet after her death? I am just wondering about your apparent need to be "competing" with her, instead of accepting she is and always will be an important part of his life. Would you want to be with a man who could forget you and move on so easily?

Agree with the pp who said if the genders were reversed, we would all be warning the woman that the man was a control freak and to LTB

the lack of understanding that's the issue

I agree with you there OP, only its your lack of understanding that's the issue, not his

I have a male friend whose wife died very young. She was the love of his life (childhood sweetheart, massively in love), young children when she died. She chose a lovely house for him to bring the children up in. Imagine my horror when a few months after her death my friend started dating someone else. The new girlfriend had him move all the pictures from the house except in the children's bedroom - she also pushed out the dead wife's family who had been so close to my friend. They are now married and have moved from the house that first wife chose and died in. I feel sorry for the children, their mother is hardly mentioned she has been airbrushed and the second wife is 'Mum'.
My DH's first wife isn't airbrushed from our lives, and I am not "Mum" to her children. She is talked about and I work consciously to remind my DH about ways to keep her present for the children.
But judging your friend's wife for moving out and choosing her own home and decor is ridiculous. Why would she not set up her own home in her new marriage? Decorate as she and her DH decided jointly? Preposterous. I don't think you sound like a very good friend, frankly.
I would seriously, seriously, question the motives of anyone who would be as massively invested in being involved in the memorialisation of a former spouse or girlfriend as some of the examples talked about on this thread.

olympic

I think you are really out of order for judging how your friend has chosen to move on with his life. It is none of your business.

I can understand what the op means. She isn't unreasonable to feel as she does, she would be unreasonable to actually request it. The bashing she's got is a little unfair. The essential advice could be imparted without character assassinating her.

Olimpics that is horrible. It is scary how insecure and selfish that some people can be and how much power they can wield over a new partner. It's almost nightmarish to consider that there really are people out there to have to pretend that someone didn't exist.

We all have a past.

Is he asking you to downplay yours when he's around? Has he ever tried to make out that your past is not relevant?

Thank you Alis for those comments.
People are so judgemental about situations they have never been in.
Moving house offers a fresh start for everyone and I don't know how anyone could criticise that.