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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friends DP is unquestionably a twat?

195 replies

NickiFury · 01/06/2014 20:25

They went on holiday. Different flights as she had air miles for one air line, he for another, but arriving at around the same time. His flight about 20 minutes before hers and their dc.

On arrival, my friend quickly grabbed her dc something to eat in Arrivals as the dc won't eat airplane food and so had not eaten anything substantial for about 8 hours. She did not eat herself and rushed kids. She then had to go through passport control, which took 45 minutes, she could not call her DH because no phones are allowed out in passport control of this particular country.

When she got through he made repeated smarmy comments about having been kept waiting and how nice it was that everyone was sitting down and eating while he was kept waiting. She explained that the kids were hungry and how long passport control took, he did not believe it took 45 minutes as it only took him 10, continued to berate her and now even months later still mentions it and maintains he was unfairly treated.

AIBU to think that hungry dc come before grown adult men who can presumably read the paper, fiddle about on phones and get themselves something to eat while they wait?

OP posts:

scallopsrgreat · 01/06/2014 23:30

And I agree with Annie's succinct appraisal of him!

Original poster

NickiFury · 01/06/2014 23:30

She didn't leave her dc without food, where are you reading that? I can't be bothered to repeat it so just try reading the thread.

OP posts:

Original poster

NickiFury · 01/06/2014 23:31

Anyway, off to bed and hopefully this will be gone tomorrow. Good night all.

OP posts:

AShadowStirsWithin · 01/06/2014 23:33

Mistress she didn't starve them on the flight. She gave them as much snack food as she could which wasn't much because of the additional needs. It's not that she made then sit the hungry, I'd imagine it was "will you eat this", "noooo!" Will you eat that? "Noooo". She will have tried to get something into them but I'd imagine she struggled. Mine has gone for a whole day without food in the past despite me packing many many snacks that I knew she would eat and taking her into a supermarket to buy more food that she normally likes. The whole day was just too much of a sensory overload though and she refused to eat and would meltdown every time I tried to get her too.

AgaPanthers · 01/06/2014 23:33

This is all a bit bizarre, why do we need a thread about someone else's husband manifesting his arseyness on a flight to Dubai months ago?

MistressDeeCee · 01/06/2014 23:34

I did read something like that but tbh this thread has twisted & turned so much I dont even know, now. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and viewpoint. & I cant be bothered to go back read the whole thread..its been going for ages

thecatfromjapan · 01/06/2014 23:34

I think it only reads like that, WorraLiberty, if you are extremely pre-disposed to disagree with the OP on principle and/or think that mean are always the reasonable ones, and women are always silly, little airheads, and/or are a bit of a manpleaser by nature.

I think we'll just have to agree to disagree on that one.

I read the OP and thought "What an idiot. He should be grateful, not tantrummy and arseholey."

I also completely agree with the poster who explained what it does to your head being in an abusive relationship. You end up doubting everything you know, and trusting none of your perceptions of reality and judgments. You need people to come in and validate what your feelings are telling you (and telling you from a place where they are constantly told they are wrong).

I suspect it is this needing-of-validity that caused the OP to feel for her friend, and to post. And that is why the goading of the OP, the invalidating of her point of view, her perceptions, and -yes - of the way she articulated it, is really, really unpleasant , and oddly reminiscent of abuser tactics :

"It's your fault. You said X. You didn't say Y. You made me bahve like this. You made me not understand."

ElizaDolittle2 · 01/06/2014 23:35

Annie there are some terrifying views aired on here sometimes but I am quietly of the opinion that the kind of post you quoted says an awful lot more about that posters own relationship than it does about the ops.

That is quite a generalisation and terrifying is a bit strong

I think if you post on a public forum you have to accept that not everyone is going to agree with you.

I think the OP thought that there would be 100% positive response and that hasn't happened.

I think the husband is being unreasonable, however this is the OPs friends relationship not hers. Whilst she may support her friend she can't change anything for her.

WorraLiberty · 01/06/2014 23:35

Again I disagree scallopsrgreat

When I read the OP, I thought I would be angry if my DH decided to feed the kids without letting me know, as I'd be sat there waiting and worrying. I was thinking the kids aren't going to die, if they have to wait a few more minutes to meet up with me and then we can all eat together.

Then it transpired that the kids weren't simply fussy about airplane food because one has SN, the DH wouldn't let them eat once they met up with him and they'd have to go 10hrs between meals, and the wife was too scared to contact him by phone (although phones aren't allowed).

None of that was in the opening post, so I think those who are fairly new to the thread and are now armed with those facts, should get off the backs of those who posted their opinions when those facts were not available.

AShadowStirsWithin · 01/06/2014 23:36

YY thecat. You've managed to articulate what I have felt reading this thread but was struggling to put into words.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 01/06/2014 23:36

Here's the difference:

If this had been me in this situation, I would have fed the dc without even thinking about it. I would have tried to text dh or whatever, but that wouldn't have been my priority. My priority would be the dc I was travelling with, and DH would understand that. He would be more concerned at how the flight/dc were rather than me keeping him waiting a bit longer. He's a grown man ffs.

DH would never in a billion years have berated me for keeping him waiting - I just can't believe anyone would.

MistressDeeCee · 01/06/2014 23:36

From what I read earlier it sounded as if they werent fed. Thats at the beginning. Now it seems, they were..Ive already seen the DH has control issues but tbh I dont even get the 'bits & pieces' rest of it now with the food n all...like I said, twists & turns so...nighty night methinks..

WorraLiberty · 01/06/2014 23:38

Or if you commented before the massive drip feeds....

CoffeeTea103 · 01/06/2014 23:38

Why didn't she just call him at whatever eating place they were at to let him know?
I would be very annoyed myself if I'm waiting and worrying while my DH didn't take a few seconds to text melt let me know what's happening.

WorraLiberty · 01/06/2014 23:39

Yeah I'm going to call it a night too.

OP if you do manage to get your friend to join MN and start a thread in relationships, please make it clear that even the posters there simply aren't clairvoyant.

Night

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 01/06/2014 23:41

DH would be concerned about how the flight had gone, how the DH were, and whether I needed a nice to recover, than being 'kept waiting' tbh.

Unbelievable the shit relationships some people put up with.

AShadowStirsWithin · 01/06/2014 23:42

No Eliza, there ARE some terrifying views aired on here. The post referenced falls into the milder end of that spectrum but still ... Although maybe horrifying would be better? It certainly horrifies me that someone thinks the H should leave and get himself a better partner all because she stopped to feed kids who hadn't eaten properly in 8 hours. That to me implies an unbalanced dynamic where a lot of emphasis is placed on the Hs needs at the cost of the DC.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 01/06/2014 23:43

Ooh, worra - is that a tad of an apology there?

I didn't need clairvoyance skills to see from the OP that she WNBU.

AnnieLobeseder · 01/06/2014 23:46

The thing is, Worra, from first few lines of the OP you might indeed think that yes, she was a bit inconsiderate not to have made more effort to contact him. And if DH had done the same to me, I might have said, "DH, I was a bit worried when you took so long, next time, please text me if you can". And then that would have been the absolute end of it. It would never occur to me to mention it again.

But in the original post, Nicki said that he "continued to berate her and now even months later still mentions it and maintains he was unfairly treated."

A man berating his wife for the crime of causing him inconvenience; not just being a bit grumpy. And months later, still whining about being "treated unfairly". Did that ring no alarm bells for you at all?

puntasticusername · 01/06/2014 23:50

worra without wanting to be an unbearable sycophant: I normally agree with everything you post and am impressed at how well you generally seem to nail things, but I do think you've called this one wrong.

You and other posters are technically correct in that all of the relevant info wasn't present in the OP, but imo there was enough there to indicate that we were dealing with a potentially dodgy situation - as such, it was a good time for patience and trying to elicit more relevant detail, rather than simply tearing the OP to pieces, which is unfortunately what has happened here.

Consider the end result - OP is now thoroughly depressed and pissed off and she and her friend seem unlikely to return to mn for help in the future. Is that really a win?

basgetti · 01/06/2014 23:51

The OP posted about a specific incident, and in the discussion that followed more came out about their relationship. Even if some posters thought it was drip feeding why couldn't they just comment on the new information? What was the need for the continued twatty remarks, berating the OP for not putting every last detail in the first post? Laying into the OP for drip feeding may be appropriate on a thread where someone posts something controversial and then disappears for pages before coming back with some implausible explanation. But it shouldn't happen to an OP who was engaging with the thread, answering questions and clearly upset and worried for her friend.

HolidayCriminal · 01/06/2014 23:51

In what airport where can you get food after getting off plane & before going thru passport control? It must have been food they had in the carry on luggage?

Why not eat while standing in the passport line?

ps: husband sounds like a jerk, but I'm still confused about how the food was available.

WorraLiberty · 01/06/2014 23:54

Ooh, worra - is that a tad of an apology there?

No, not at all? Why would you think anyone who wasn't armed with the facts and commented (unlike the influx of recent posters who are armed with the facts) should apologise?

I'm sorry if you read my post wrong.

Annie I think you'll find the posters on this thread were almost unanimous in saying that he should not be berating her and that he should have totally got over it by now. It happened months ago for goodness sake and the majority (whether they saw the DH's point given the lack of info or not) said he shouldn't be going on about it now.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 01/06/2014 23:55

Don't be sorry - it was kind of a joke

I think you've called this wrong too, and don't want to admit it.

LineRunner · 01/06/2014 23:57

I wonder if she even wanted to go on the trip or had a real say in the separate travel arrangements.

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