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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friends DP is unquestionably a twat?

195 replies

NickiFury · 01/06/2014 20:25

They went on holiday. Different flights as she had air miles for one air line, he for another, but arriving at around the same time. His flight about 20 minutes before hers and their dc.

On arrival, my friend quickly grabbed her dc something to eat in Arrivals as the dc won't eat airplane food and so had not eaten anything substantial for about 8 hours. She did not eat herself and rushed kids. She then had to go through passport control, which took 45 minutes, she could not call her DH because no phones are allowed out in passport control of this particular country.

When she got through he made repeated smarmy comments about having been kept waiting and how nice it was that everyone was sitting down and eating while he was kept waiting. She explained that the kids were hungry and how long passport control took, he did not believe it took 45 minutes as it only took him 10, continued to berate her and now even months later still mentions it and maintains he was unfairly treated.

AIBU to think that hungry dc come before grown adult men who can presumably read the paper, fiddle about on phones and get themselves something to eat while they wait?

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 01/06/2014 22:58

Nicki, your instincts are correct. Your relative's instincts are correct. If you feel strong enough get MNHQ to move to relationships. They are used to 'drip feeding' in fact it is part of the process and they are unlikely to put a man's tantrum above a woman's fear. They'll recognise that.

And there's a virtual hug winding it's way towards you and your friend.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 01/06/2014 22:59

OP - YANBU, and nor was your friend. He'd just had a flight in peace - she looked after the dc on a flight.

Hungry children trump grown adults every single time in my book.

Agree that her dh's behaviour is a massive red flag. Repost in Relationships - the responses will differ massively.

Original poster
NickiFury · 01/06/2014 22:59

What would it do to help Eliza? It would help her see that she's NOT wrong for making that simple choice and he is abusive, just like the hundreds of other women who have been helped on MN.

OP posts:
puntasticusername · 01/06/2014 23:00

Oh, Nicki. This thread has gone wrong but I can see how much you're hurting for your friend. After it's deleted take a deep breath and try again - and in the meantime, have a hug! This still is a very supportive place. Most of the time Smile

Fairenuff · 01/06/2014 23:00

he won't eat or drink anything on the plane, not water, nothing, only what his Mum brings

But you can't take liquids onto planes, so does that mean he went 8 hours without a drink?

scallopsrgreat · 01/06/2014 23:01

You are right though, you shouldn't have had to go into more details. There was plenty in the OP to understand the man is a bully.

zzzzz · 01/06/2014 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 01/06/2014 23:02

As an aside, OP, I can't believe the responses you've had on this thread. Downright rude, some of them. Hmm

newcastlebelle1 · 01/06/2014 23:02

Yanbu and neither is your friend. Dc's needs should come 1st.

Original poster
NickiFury · 01/06/2014 23:04

Yes you can Fairenuff as long as you buy it after you've been through security. You can take it in your hand luggage.

OP posts:
Original poster
NickiFury · 01/06/2014 23:05

Zzzz read the thread! The food took 5-10 minutes. Passport control took 45 and he didn't believe her and berated her accordingly.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 01/06/2014 23:05

What is a horrid way to treat someone is to berate someone for sorting out their children whilst offering no help on that front whatsoever and still be berating them months later because he had to wait an hour. An hour FFS.

Have I stepped into some parallel universe where mens feelings trump everyone else's?

WorraLiberty · 01/06/2014 23:05

Look OP you have to take responsibility for some of the replies here.

Many of the replies were made long before you imparted the crucial information that the kids weren't just fussy eaters, but that one had SN and wouldn't eat or drink anything on the plane.

Also before you imparted the information that their Dad wouldn't have allowed them to eat once he met up with them, so it would be TEN hours before they actually got a proper meal.

Not to mention you saying America and the Middle East don't let you have mobiles in passport control ...and then saying she didn't ring him because she was hoping to get through passport control quickly enough that it wouldn't be noticed that she'd stopped and then when she saw how long the queue was she was too scared to ring him

Even the posters in the Relationships topic would have had to rethink their replies, given the much later important information.

Surely you can see that?

puntasticusername · 01/06/2014 23:06

FFS she wasn't 45m feeding the DC, it was 45m in the queue for Passport Control!

I've only skim read the thread with the other eye on Stardust on TV, and even I know that... Wink

FeelLikeCrying · 01/06/2014 23:08

I think you need to get your friend to post themselves. It is hard but you can't make your friends decisions for them.

When threads are second hand information then it can end up a bit like screwed.

Fairenuff · 01/06/2014 23:08

There are often complaints about mn being against men all the time. This thread shows how that's not the case. From the limited information supplied, it did originally seem that his wife was unreasonable to leave him waiting.

It's only when the rest of the information was given that it can be seen that, for whatever reason, his wife is scared of him. So those details were necessary to give a fuller picture.

Your earlier posts missed out all the vital information which is why posters responded accordingly.

scallopsrgreat · 01/06/2014 23:08

No Worra there was plenty of info in the OP. People just don't like to see men inconvenienced and overlook their bad behaviour.

AnnieLobeseder · 01/06/2014 23:09

Two issues:

  1. Children and food - she should have packed more.

  2. She lives with a man-child who expects his every need pandered to, won't do his share of raising his own children and she has to walk on eggshells to avoid raising his ire.

#1 is a non-issue and no-one should even remember it this long after the fact.

#2 is very serious, she needs to look long and hard at what she's getting out of this relationship.

Thenapoleonofcrime summed it up very well, "most normal people can accept their partner is doing their best, looking after the children and that is that. As for going on about it months later, he sounds extremely odd indeed and quite scary."

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 01/06/2014 23:10

Have I stepped into some parallel universe where mens feelings trump everyone else's?

Clearly we have, scallops. Put-your-man-first-above-your-dc-or-else universe. I'm Shock

Let's not forget, he didn't even believe her that passport control took so long. And berating her months later? Massive twat.

AShadowStirsWithin · 01/06/2014 23:10

Being in an abusive relationship makes you second guess everything. I can remember spending FORTY minutes in front of the sandwich section of tescos trying to decide which sandwich to get exp which would not cause him to kick off. Anyone reading that will say "but surely taking so long would have made him just as likely to kick off". Well yes, I can see that now, but at the time I was so filled with fear about this decision I had to make and what he would do if I got it wrong that I wasn't even aware of the time. The ops relative will be operating in a kind of underwater fog all the time, her p is an abusive shit, and I imagine on getting off the plane she was horribly worrying about how cross he would be if the kids weren't fed, how he might punish them by making the wait longer. She wouldn't have been thinking about how all this worrying and finding food would make him wait longer, she was going off the immediate problem and immediate worry.

When you aren't in this kind of relationship it all looks so simple. It isn't. I used to freeze up, get complete mind blanks and forget things. It was a side effect of living in a highly stressful state all the bloody time. Constantly on edge, constantly trying to anticipate the next attack.

OP relationships are more used to the subtlest of these kinds of relationships and you would get a wholly different response over there. Repost over there after this thread is gone. I agree with previous poster in that this kind of drip feeding is very normal when posting about these kinds of relationships and the OP should not be berated for it.

AnnieLobeseder · 01/06/2014 23:11

Fairenuff Sun 01-Jun-14 23:00:52
"he won't eat or drink anything on the plane, not water, nothing, only what his Mum brings

But you can't take liquids onto planes, so does that mean he went 8 hours without a drink?"

Not true. You can take on anything you buy in the shops after you've been through security.

FeelLikeCrying · 01/06/2014 23:12

No Worra there was plenty of info in the OP. People just don't like to see men inconvenienced and overlook their bad behaviour.

This is a little harsh Shock

thecatfromjapan · 01/06/2014 23:13

All the information necessary was in the OP.

Love the fact that OP is supposed to take responsibility for getting happy-slapped on a thread. Hmm

Original poster
NickiFury · 01/06/2014 23:14

For those who said take more snacks. Entire packets of chocolate digestive biscuits and salt and vinegar Pringles create problems in themselves and that's pretty much all he will eat after the ONE sandwich he will consume (but only if made with the right kind if ham).

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 01/06/2014 23:14

Not really FeelLikeCrying. Certainly not as harsh as some people have been to this woman. Most people have completely overlooked the fact she had the children all on her own and that he is still going on about this months later. No-one needs to do that even if you were put out at the time.

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