Being treated differently then sister in law

[Lancashiregal10]

Basically sister in law has a four year old and we have a 10 month old. Sister in law is a single parent (she adopted as a single parent).
A bit of background at the time of adopting me and DH thought we could not have children and would find it hard to be approved as adopters as I have uncontrolled epilepsy (been through process and told this). SIL then suddenly decides she wants to adopt as a single parent (fine, no issue with this). When she was approved she tells my DH that "she will finally have something that we don't have". Now she has always been like this so we are a bit disgusted but we both shrug it off.
She has always had her mum and dad (my DH parents) pay for everything and they practically bring up her child for her. (Again if she and inlaws are ok with this its their issue, we can afford stuff she can't and its none of our business how her child is brought up).
Anyway fast forward to me and DH having child that we never though we could (cue major paddies and childish from SIL but that is another story).
But now we are finding her little boy is being treated so different then ours. They never have time to spend with ours (apart from one afternoon a week which they look after and we are very gratefull for)
If we arrange to do something with them at weekend SIL butts in and they end up bein with her (apparently we can't do stuff togther as SIL hates me and does not want to spend time with me)
We have to provide all milk, food, nappies for that one half day a week yet They have SILs kid fours days and she provides nothing.
They are always buying nephew toys but none our little boy. The rare times we are all together inlaws give all attention to nephew and intoned our little boy.
Last year when DS was six months we had arranged to go away with them for a week to the Peak District but due to SIL kicking up fuss that she could not cope, they only came for a night however they go away with SIL a least four weeks a year (all paid for by them) and we are never invited as again SIL hates me (My crime was marring her brother and even worse then that proving to be fertile after all)
Until now we did not give a toss but now we are starting to see the differences between inlaws treatment of our little boy and nephews already.
Maybe we are just being anal. DH has taked to his mum and dad but its a case of SIL needs them and we don't. Which is true we don't but we want our little boy to feel as close to them as nephew does and not feel left out
Tell me please if being unreasonable

Sorry for typos but I have dyslexia that is made worse when I have to type on a mobile

Oh yep one more thing SIL is now in process of adopting number two and has said to DH "we'll you got lucky the supposedly barren bitch had one so you will never get two" DH is not speaking to her after that and have her what for
It's not normal behaviour is it?

In al honesty I would 'not need them' even more and decline their offer of childcare. I would not be put in a position where my children felt left out by grandparents so I simply wouldn't go.

Stop asking them to things and when they finally ask why explain that they mainly let you down so you are minimising your DS's disappointment.

Your SIL sounds utterly screwed up so really distance yourselves.

Nope!

But you would be if you gave it any more head room.

You MUST let it go. Bye bye, see ya, wouldn't want to be ya, determined, sit down and think heavy thoughts - won't be moved ever again - let it go!

If you don't you will BVU to yourself, your DH and your DS. Retain the moral high ground, never mention it again. Let your DH, should he ever want to again. But tell him, this is how it is, you have each other, are a great family unit and that is all you need.

OK, being so effin perfect will probably piss off your SIL a bit more, but that is her problem

And yes, speaking from experience and could no longer give a toss (and trying not to feel smug as karma seems to be kicking in - after 30 years).

She is utterly vile and if your PIL are aware of this and pander to her then I would be leaving them all to it. Also babies are not trophies... she is insane.

I would avoid them tbh

be polite

go for Sunday lunch once a month

don't use them as childcare

you don't want your son growing up to know he's not the favored one

have you a good relationship with your siblings and parents?

Not normal behaviour at all! She sounds absolutely horrible.

Your DH needs to explain to his parents that it's not a matter of 'need', but if they want to have a good relationship with their grandson then they need to allocate their time and love more equally.

If they are NOT willing to do that, then you are not willing to let your DS play second fiddle and will distance yourself from them to protect him.

Do you think they look at your SIL's child as more like their own child, while your son is a "normal" grandson relationship.

That would explain a lot to me.

I think oatmaidan has got it bob on
Yep we have a good relationship with my parents and two siblings and their children. Though I think my DH gets a big jealous at times we all get on so well.
Also I know SIL needs them more then we do. She can spend as much time with them as she likes and they can give her all their cash if they want. It there different behaviour towards Ds that bothers us. I could cope if they just treated them the same then they are together (which is not often)
I don't think DH would cut them off (sigh) as he really wants a relationship with them and seeks their approval.

I'm a bit sceptical about the awfulness of your sil. It can't have been easy to be approved as a single parent adopter.

I'm also a bit puzzled why you are so determined to co-opt your in-laws in to your lives to such an extent.

I'm frankly boggled at your wanting to go on holiday with your in-laws when your first baby was only 6 months old. I would have thought at that age, especially with a baby who was so unexpected, you'd have wanted holidays just as the three of as this new family unit.

As for spending more time/attention I don't really like children (apart from my own son of course) but I'd be far more likely to focus more attention on a 4 year old than a 10 month old as the former is less of a bore.

I wouldn't cut the gp off as must be hard for them. It will be making them choose. If your sil has done all this i wouldn't bother speaking to her. You dont need that. Don't say or do anything as it would probably just cause more arguments that you dont need.

Think I agree with phaedra op. Currently they mind so see ur ds once a wk. Thats quite a lot. Agree that maybe find paid childcare elsewhere and see pil as u want. Also if ur sil is that vile I would tell whichever agency is approving her as adopter. If shes that unbalanced as her comments suggest then her dc will eventually be affected.

Your in-laws may be aware that research now shows that a baby who is ill-treated or neglected at the stage where it was formerly thought the child would be too young to remember may already have been damaged.

You haven't told us anything about the circumstances of the adoption. Your in-laws may be doing nothing more than trying to make sure the adopted child now gets the best possible chance.

Your child has 2 natural parents who are comfortably off and 2 sets of grandparents , both of whom care for him. In the case of your parents and extended family, a lot.

You would do better to focus on your own child and count your own (many) blessings than honing your jealousy on sil, and by extension her child-a child who is very unlikely to have come into the world with as much as your child did.

YADNBU. Your sil sounds toxic and is unlikely to change while her parents are enabling her ridiculous behaviour so I would limit contact with her and get your pil (alone without other gc or sil in tow) to visit you rather than going to them even if it is only once a month so your ds can have a relationship with them. It is important that you keep the lines of communication open between your ds and his gp while he is young (for your ds's sake). When he is older, it will be his choice how much or how little contact he wants to have with them but until then, do your best. Try to make the arrangment when the sil is out of the way so she can't interfere.

You can't change how your ILs interact so it isn't worth trying.

What you can change are your expectations and how you interact with them.

Stop engaging with SIL. See PIL alone and don't get involved with what they do for her ds.

How do you think your little boy will feel when he sees the differences in the way his cousins are treated, would he understand that SIL needs them more, so therefore they treat him like a second class citizen?

Your DH has probably been treated like this too.

He cannot make a judgement on this.

Without any further ado I would stop their child care and pull back,. Its not up to your DH, its up to you as well, and the well being, of your child.

Its not a matter of need its a matter of being cruel plain and simple.

I would not subject any child of mine to such mean and despicable punishing behaviour.

visit you rather than going to them even if it is only once a month so your ds can have a relationship with them. It is important that you keep the lines of communication open between your ds and his gp while he is young (for your ds's sake). When he is older, it will be his choice how much or how little contact he wants to have with them but until then, do your best. Try to make the arrangment when the sil is out of the way so she can't interfere

The gP are grown adults who can make choices, they are not being forced by sil to charge them for nappies for the one day they have their own grandchild. they are choosing to do this.

they have chosen to do everything.

op and her husband are allowing them to treat them and their son like this.

I would not want a small child around adults who are mean and cruel and charge for the nappies and do not wish to spend time with the child.

If sil says to hurt the child, would they do it?

They are not stable or they are mean and cruel.

I do not think any child should be regulary subjected to adults who do not value them and do nothing for their self esteem.

OP has not said the ils are charging for nappies etc but that she has to provide them.

I fail to see what is remotely unreasonably when you are leaving a 10 month old baby with anyone who isn't a commercial nursery to take along a day's supply of whatever things a 10 month old will need for the day.

Actually OP your point about sil not having to provide anything for the 4 year old is really petty.

A four year old can eat and drink whatever the gps have. A 4 year old doesn't need nappies, baby milk/baby food. What exactly will they have to provide that wouldn't be in their house anyway?

If someone deposited a 4 year old with me unexpectedly this afternoon I would not have to buy in anything.

If someone gave me a 10 month old I would and I wouldn't know if it was the right stuff.

OP

Ignore your SIL, do not speak to her or engage with her until she can behave more reasonably towards you, your DH and your child.

As for your PIL- I would agree that you can't change their behaviour, so you must change yours. Find alternative childcare if at all possible, and stop the visits when SIL and your nephew are there. Invite your PIL to visit you and try to arrange to visit them when SIL is not there.

If they cannot or will not visit you/make an effort to keep in contact, then I would simply stop trying so hard to involve them. I wouldn't stop them seeing your son (unless you feel it is damaging to you or your son), but put the ball in their court- invitation to visit is open, but they'll gave to make the effort to come/arrange contact. If they want to be involved in your DSs life, they will make the effort. If they don't, then they won't. Either way, your DS will not be exposed to seeing his cousin(s) treated preferentially.

If they ask why things have changed, tell them bluntly. Might shock them into re-evaluating their behaviour.

It may be worth having a discussion with them about how you feel your DS is being treated differently and you worry how this will affect him in the longer term if it isn't sorted.

Well I'm clearly out on a limb but I think you are being very unreasonable and very self-centred.

It occurs to me that you have one thing she doesn't - an actual personality I get what you mean with the different treatment for the kids and all and I would ask your dh to have a word with them about that but I think your SIL isn't worth you wasting your time or energy to be honest. How she was ever approved to raise children with that attitude is beyond me.

I'm with Phaedra. I would love to hear the other side of this particular story, too.