Being treated differently then sister in law

[Lancashiregal10]

Basically sister in law has a four year old and we have a 10 month old. Sister in law is a single parent (she adopted as a single parent).
A bit of background at the time of adopting me and DH thought we could not have children and would find it hard to be approved as adopters as I have uncontrolled epilepsy (been through process and told this). SIL then suddenly decides she wants to adopt as a single parent (fine, no issue with this). When she was approved she tells my DH that "she will finally have something that we don't have". Now she has always been like this so we are a bit disgusted but we both shrug it off.
She has always had her mum and dad (my DH parents) pay for everything and they practically bring up her child for her. (Again if she and inlaws are ok with this its their issue, we can afford stuff she can't and its none of our business how her child is brought up).
Anyway fast forward to me and DH having child that we never though we could (cue major paddies and childish from SIL but that is another story).
But now we are finding her little boy is being treated so different then ours. They never have time to spend with ours (apart from one afternoon a week which they look after and we are very gratefull for)
If we arrange to do something with them at weekend SIL butts in and they end up bein with her (apparently we can't do stuff togther as SIL hates me and does not want to spend time with me)
We have to provide all milk, food, nappies for that one half day a week yet They have SILs kid fours days and she provides nothing.
They are always buying nephew toys but none our little boy. The rare times we are all together inlaws give all attention to nephew and intoned our little boy.
Last year when DS was six months we had arranged to go away with them for a week to the Peak District but due to SIL kicking up fuss that she could not cope, they only came for a night however they go away with SIL a least four weeks a year (all paid for by them) and we are never invited as again SIL hates me (My crime was marring her brother and even worse then that proving to be fertile after all)
Until now we did not give a toss but now we are starting to see the differences between inlaws treatment of our little boy and nephews already.
Maybe we are just being anal. DH has taked to his mum and dad but its a case of SIL needs them and we don't. Which is true we don't but we want our little boy to feel as close to them as nephew does and not feel left out
Tell me please if being unreasonable

""Does she rely on GP 4 days a week because she works or because she can't cope? If she needs such a huge amount of help is she really in a position to adopt again?""

It sounds to me as though the GP's were involved via SS in the practical arrangements for the adoptive child.

It is standard for a SW to draw a "family circle" and then interview all in it and ask what they can commit to.

This child may have a variety of issues the OP isn't aware of, the GP's could be actively involved in the "Plan".

If it is Attachment Issues and EA, this cannot be gone back on, they have committed.

The OP's child has been born to two parents who live, can care and want him and have GP's that have him once a week, he is a lucky little boy (but had what every child should).

It could be a case of the GP's cannot commit any more time to the OP's child, in time or emotional cost.

I've had a similar issue in my family, I have had to prioritise, there is only so much you give.

The issue is how much verbal abuse the OP has had directed at her, from her SIL, that needs to come to an end.

From a GP POV, you direct your support were it is most needed, these problems cause constant stress.

I totally agree that you cannot guess what nappy size to buy, my DN is changing monthly, when I babysit his parents send what he needs.

In terms of the child they are probably still working out whether the developmental delay is environmental of physical, this can take until 7.

I wonder how much support was offered from the OP's husband towards his adopting sister.

A person doesn't adopt, the family does, if they don't, then they have to be kept at arms length for the sake of he child.

OP, can I put it simply, I don't know the back story of SIL.

But your PIL sound as though they have committed to help a damaged little boy recover from his bad start, perhaps think in those terms?

I'm sure your DS will grow up respecting them, at least. If he had been born first, they may of not made that commitment.

No-one knows what the future holds, you cannot predict the relationship any of them will have.

Thankyou all for replying
In truth the nappies do not get to me, it's just another thing in a long line
Nephew may well have some delay but SIL has said she can't be bothered potty training him and goes mad at inlaws when they try (god no wonder a lot of you think I am exaggerating it all does sound unbelievable) however I think you are right about developmental delay as I think he would be trying himself by now
To put in a case for my DH, SIL got everything growing up and he while not neglected in any way) got very little. Two examples SIL got a car when she was 17, he did not. SIL got huge birthday parties, he did not and his parents did not attend his graduation because SIL had a sudden crisis which turned out to be a fall out with a friend (I was told all this by DHs aunt).
So I think while DH does acknowledge SIL needs more help (and god of course she does) it still grates with him.
I don't know how she got accepted either but she did. I doubt she told the social worker her thoughts on me or DH. It was a mystery as she was turned down by two adoption agency flat right at the start but got through with the local authority.
As for knowing the other side of the story you are not the only ones who would love to know it. I would love to know why she hates me so much and if I have done anything that I did not realise. I once wrote her a letter asking all if this but never sent it, maybe I should
Also I know how lucky I am to have such a great family on my side but at the end of the day they are my family and not DHs. It's him i feel for.

Also DH stood as a reference for SIL, drove her to her appointments with social workers that where not in her house and then drove her to meet nephew. So yes he did support her.

cleanasawhistle

thats so awful and cruel adn thoughtless.

However needy your sil is, it is unacceptable to favouritism children and treat them differently. Eventually your ds will notice. I would seriously distance myself from them, don't have them for childcare, and have as little to do with SIL was possible.

lancashire

You need to concentrate on shoring your dh up against this lot.

its a common problem in families and its not an impossible situation, you need him to see them for what they are, and ask why they treat him differently and how it makes you feel etc.

he is throwing himself at a brick wall...and it will never end, you need to help him understand there is no point in throwing himself at the wall any more....he needs to focus on his family with you now....

i am not sure even if social services heard sils views of you whether that would affect her application? no one is 100% good, we all have people we do not like....I am not sure of the relevance of that comment.

As for the family circle, if taking on the adoptive child means cutting their son out of the immediate family circle maybe it wasnt a good idea to take the child on.

After all the family is small, pils have two children...if there are issues with the child that the pils have had to help with I dont understand why its been kept a secret from her brother.

YOU ALSO need to stop thinking about her, she is a waste of time and energy...and sounds awful.

Do you need her validation ...do you need such a persons validation and do you need her to like you?

Many sisters feel a jealous claim over their brothers, they feel pushed out when another female is on the scene....and its common for the son to be pushed out too.

you need to help your dh make sense of it, how it all makes him feel bad, why you dont want this for your child....etc etc and once he understands it more he will have the confidence to be able to put some distance between you. Heopfully your own parents are kinder and more fair?

Dpil treated DH and his sister differently. This has affected your DH. He is desperate to get fair attention from them. It sounds like this pattern is going to be repeated.

All you can do is try to point this out to DH or ensure that ds sees his gps at different times to dn, so that he never sees the different treatment. Not an ideal situation but maybe workable considering sils hatred of you.

So a relationship with pils on their terms but not at the same time as dn.

However needy your sil is, it is unacceptable to favouritism children and treat them differently

You are confusing treating the grandchildren fairly and treating them equally. There may be any number of sound reasons for treating the children differently.

Wow Phaedra really does not like me does she, I could bite back but I won't.
Thankyou to all your other ladies for your advice and I will take it on board

It sounds like SIL has narcissistic personality disorder. If you look it up, her behaviour might strike a chord with some of the symptoms.

If they do, it will go some way towards understanding her behaviour and help to accept that it's her problem not yours. It'll also help you and DH to understand why PIL pander to her so much and that it's not a rejection of your DH, but more how they are parenting her.

OP I suggest you read Birdsgottafly's excellent posts , as a grandmother herself, about directing support where it is most needed.

I was in a similar situation to your DH - when my DS's children were born, my parents went all out to make up for the perceived disadvantage (by them, DS is perfectly competent and has a good job now) my sister's children had.

This meant the other grandchildren (not just mine) came second and had to fit in with their arrangements. They constantly talked about the day to day activities with them even in the short time they had to spend with the others, and they were constantly on their mind. And I (being the eldest) was supposed to join in and support (despite being knackered with my own 3, born in less than 2 1/2 years).

I found that I was having to compete for attention, like I had as a child, and to compete for my children. When I got to 40, I thought 'I don't want to live like this any more.' In the end, I had to learn to let go of the need to be wanted, loved by them, attention etc and the desperation to please and get on with looking after my own family and put them first. It was a sort of letting go and a huge relief.

It is a shame, but I don't think my children missed out on anything that would have been useful, in the long run. They are adult now. I wonder if they may have something to say about it when they have their own children, but it is not important at the moment. I have a brother with the same issues, and I think it has been hard for my SIL to deal with - I am sort of embarrassed for her :(

YANBU but there is really no point in dwelling on this kind of favouritism..it just makes your mind brood.

She shouldnt have said she 'now has something you dont have'. Wrong, and silly. But you reallly cant spend your time monitoring what she gets, what she does & doesn't do, this closely. Its not healthy. They are her parents, not yours. I dont mean this harshly, but it is true. As some have said, have a quick discussion with them if you feel up to it, let them know how you feel. Or, just do your own thing so your DC doesnt become aware of favouritism. You're his parents - you can wrap him in all the love he needs

Wow Phaedra really does not like me does she

It wouldn't surprise me if Phaedra has no opinion on you at all Lancashire . She is putting a point of view that is out of step with yours and many other posters' on here. She possibly doesn't like your take on things but that's not the same thing at all.

In particular her last post seems very well reasoned and accurate. And no I am not Phaedra and I don't particularly agree with her but your last post was as out of line as you accuse hers of being imho. (And by highlighting how you are not biting back you are, in fact biting back, iyswim.)

I agree with Phaedra, Youremyfavouritewasteoftime and Birdsgottafly.

I think it's admirable that your PILs are taking your SILs adopted son to their hearts and recognising that they may both have needs that "traditional" families don't. It is possible they are over-compensating, but my god, they'd have to have hearts of stone not to go the extra mile for a single parent and her adoptive child who may well have developmental delays (according to your recent posts).

It can seem unfair to you, but maybe in their minds they are balancing out things?

I know it can hurt when you feel your child is treated as second best but I actually think you're coming across as very mean.

You are not being unreasonable to feel very hurt by this. I think Mumsnet often ignores the fact that these decisions by grandparents are highly emotive and come freighted with all kinds of very deep-seated sibling rivalries and fears of parental rejection - feelings that we ALL have, but we don't often vocalise because they are very difficult, and yet can seem very petty.

However, I don't think there's much you can do about this situation. I would say, however, that you hold a hand of very strong cards: you can re-evaluate your relationship with the PIL to be much more distant, see them much less regularly, and focus on more positive relationships in your life.

You might get more sensible advice if you posted on the Relationships board.

I am still struggling to understand why with only a few grandchildren, two actually there is a problem with sharing time and needs.

My own grandparents managed with..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................24 grandchildren and I don't believe any of us felt neglected or pushed out....even compared to the ones that lived closest. Some siblings, one in particular was very poor compared to the rest and the family rallied to support them when they could.

This was never to the detriment of the others though, even though the poorest lived closed to the GP. they managed to make all of us feel equal...all 24.

On the other side, my GP with only 6 GC had favourites and pushed my DB out...giving my sister more money at visits and making it clear they preferred her.

The life long feeling of not being good enough, which has come from other areas too, was not helped by the favourtism and its why I feel so stronlgy about exposing your son to this.

Its also why I feel its unnecessary for your pils to behave like they are, having seen how my other GP operated with children with different needs and yet...even with 24 GC didn't make anyone feel left out.

Razzle, this isn't a usual situation.

A child was adopted into the family, a plan would of been agreed upon. None if which existed in the same way in your GP's day.

From what it sounds like, there are still problems, as said, could be physical, could be EA, the child may have a CIN put in place on entering school.

What I will say is when people tended to have 26 GC, no-one took on board emotional needs. Life has changed dramatically

This is a damaged 4 year old compared to a 7 month old baby. The 4 year old needs consistency, the GP's are giving that to both, it's just one gets more than the other, probably because that is what's needed.

This really is about the Parents favouring the Sis, now the children are being dragged in.

It should of been sorted before they came along.

Whatever is decided, this adopted 4 year old shouldn't suffer.

In two years time, when the OP's child is old enough to be aware of stuff, things will be different. The four year old will have a diagnosis and new plan.

Thankfully there are families like the GP's, who don't drop the adopted child when a blood related baby comes along.

30% of adoptions fail completely, a higher number of both adoptive and long term foster placement don't work.

I agree with what Phaedra and skiving are saying, in that what pil are doing can be perceived to be 'the right thing' in many people's eyes and they are giving help where it is most needed. And of course it is right that the child should be given the best start in life and that if sil is not coping 100%, that they should help

Some parents will do this and remember that they have other children/grandchildren and will take time out to reconnect with them, remind them they are loved and the 'little' problems will fall away. I know people like this and they are wonderful people, who can teach you a lot.

For others, it is all-consuming and every one else has to go along with them, or fall back. If you have problems, they will be insignificant compared with the one that is needing the help, so you just have to suck it up and get on with it on your own.

As isabellavine says, it is hurtful. The hurt is deep. It involves the rivalries and relationships between siblings and parents. When you see it being passed on to the next generation, it really difficult to cope with and whatever you do to try and change things, or alert people is seen by others as trivial and petty-minded.

Stepping back is the only way. I went through a lot of emotional pain to get there. I have a lovely husband and had lovely consistant, pragmatic and kind in-laws. Definitely focus on the positive relationships in your life and make a good life for your DS.

(and yes - sensible advice is available on the Relationships board)

My mother's mother had only four grandchildren, from two children (my mum and her brother)... She had my brother and me first, then 7 years later, my first girl cousin, and 2 years after that, another girl cousin. When my first cousin was old enough to walk and talk, she followed me everywhere... she wanted to play with me, to imitate me, to do whatever I was doing. And I HATED it. HATED. My mum and grandma were convinced I was jealous because I had been the pampered youngest for so long, and so I got an awful lot of grief for it from them (which as I'm sure you can guess, did not endear my cousin to me). But I'm sure it wasn't jealousy. I don't remember resenting the attention she received... I just remember wanting to be left alone so I could read a book. I was a very bookish child, not at all gregarious and with no real interest in babies or other younger children - all I wanted to do is read in peace.

I love both cousins like my sisters now, especially since my own brother died last year. And my auntie is like a second mother to me (my mother having died 4 years ago). But it caused a lot of family upset at the time.

I'm not sure what my point is, except that grandparent/cousin/auntie relationships can be complicated and hard, that what you think is going on isn't necesserily what is going on at all, and that it's likely any damaged relationships will heal over time. Unless your sister-in-law is actually crazy, of course.

As other posters are saying, the blunt truth is your child is a baby. He doesn't need attention from the GPs, attention from GPs at this age benefits you, not him. The 4 year old does need a lot of extra attention and they may not be able to give him less for a baby right now.

Is there a way you can just see the GP without SIL to visit a few days?

Also, GP don't constantly watch your baby. They don't need to have supplies for him. That's why you have a diaper bag. They are buying on a need basis. Your nephew needs them to get that stuff to stay there, while you can easily provide for your baby to stay a few hours to visit once a week.

SIL is a bitch. But don't ask GP to give nephew less attention that he really needs right now.

the parents in the OP (the OP/her DH/her SIL) are projecting their own sibling issues onto their children.

putting all the children first, the 'grown ups' need to bury the hatchet and understand that the adopted child has not had the best start in life.

These children are now all family.

I think your SIL sounds appalling, really toxic, and you're confusing what you feel for / about her with your feelings for your PIL. You probably also feel on some level that the amount of support she gets from them is just unreasonable (I think I would too). You need to separate the issues in your mind, before your SIL manages to sour your relationship with PIL. Consider it from their point of view. What are they supposed to do? they have a DGC who presumably needs a fair amount of support and they are giving it. They sound like heroes tbh.

Re bringing all the stuff for your DC - presumably a 10mo needs a lot more, and more specific things, than a 4 year old?]

Finally, DSIL's DC will be at school soon, so things will change (setting aside the possible second adoption).

YANBU to feel any of these things, but you need to 1) see it from your PIL perspective and 2) reconcile yourself to getting on with your own life regardless, or this will slowly poison things between you all.

Here's a silver lining for you, if it helps. My MIL has only one DC, stbXH, and our DC is her only DGC, and she is obsessed to the point of lunacy. It has made me so claustrophobic in my marriage it's one of the reasons I got out. So it could be worse