Being treated differently then sister in law

[Lancashiregal10]

Basically sister in law has a four year old and we have a 10 month old. Sister in law is a single parent (she adopted as a single parent).
A bit of background at the time of adopting me and DH thought we could not have children and would find it hard to be approved as adopters as I have uncontrolled epilepsy (been through process and told this). SIL then suddenly decides she wants to adopt as a single parent (fine, no issue with this). When she was approved she tells my DH that "she will finally have something that we don't have". Now she has always been like this so we are a bit disgusted but we both shrug it off.
She has always had her mum and dad (my DH parents) pay for everything and they practically bring up her child for her. (Again if she and inlaws are ok with this its their issue, we can afford stuff she can't and its none of our business how her child is brought up).
Anyway fast forward to me and DH having child that we never though we could (cue major paddies and childish from SIL but that is another story).
But now we are finding her little boy is being treated so different then ours. They never have time to spend with ours (apart from one afternoon a week which they look after and we are very gratefull for)
If we arrange to do something with them at weekend SIL butts in and they end up bein with her (apparently we can't do stuff togther as SIL hates me and does not want to spend time with me)
We have to provide all milk, food, nappies for that one half day a week yet They have SILs kid fours days and she provides nothing.
They are always buying nephew toys but none our little boy. The rare times we are all together inlaws give all attention to nephew and intoned our little boy.
Last year when DS was six months we had arranged to go away with them for a week to the Peak District but due to SIL kicking up fuss that she could not cope, they only came for a night however they go away with SIL a least four weeks a year (all paid for by them) and we are never invited as again SIL hates me (My crime was marring her brother and even worse then that proving to be fertile after all)
Until now we did not give a toss but now we are starting to see the differences between inlaws treatment of our little boy and nephews already.
Maybe we are just being anal. DH has taked to his mum and dad but its a case of SIL needs them and we don't. Which is true we don't but we want our little boy to feel as close to them as nephew does and not feel left out
Tell me please if being unreasonable

Tilly it's piss easy feeding a child. You ask the parents what they eat and get that. At ten months it'll be bits of whatever they have.

And they could buy them tshirts or hats or little pyjamas. Supermarkets are full if dirt cheap but adorable clothes for kids. The point is the thought.

its unfortunate that the adopted child was placed with a mother who cannot parent on her own, but persisted with her own selfishness adopting in the first place

shocking actually....

i dont think you would get a dog from battersea if you couldnt look after it on your own

jengnr

it is easy like millions of other Gp round the world manage to feed their GC when with them!

Not meaningless to op and her DH though?
Is this supposed to be an issue of an unfairly treated baby, or an adult, then?

Is perhaps the problem the meaning the OP attaches to random toys, then? Isn't it possible that the ten-month old is getting exactly the same amount of small gifts as the four-year-old got when he was ten months, or would've done, if he was part of the family?

You can buy stuff for 10p at charity shops and the like or supermarkets,.....a rattle? A little teddy? Much of which isn't suitable for a ten-month old who sticks everything in his mouth. You are still buying stuff for the sake of it. Presents are not the only way to show love, and random presents aren't a good way to show love to a baby. We hug and cuddle babies. We hug, cuddle and buy four-year-olds tiny plastic cars.

They want the OP to bring over food. Given we don't know what baby eats, that may be fair enough.

The holiday was cancelled, yes.

If the family is 'imploding', maybe it's because OP isn't happy and her DH isn't happy.

Nope, I'm not a grandparent. I do have young children though, and I remember how fast their tastes changed as babies and being a bit PFB about what they ate. I also notice that MIL is a lot more confident about looking after them on her own now they're not babies, and doesn't ask me to bring stuff over.

And it's NOT because she loves them more now!

what a load of rubbish, so its hard is it to go to a shelf in the supermarket and put your hand out, to grab a jar of baby mush

Missing the point. It's easier to know what a four-year-old will eat, even if you are only occasionally responsible for his/her meals. It's just family food.

Going into a baby food aisle for a baby that isn't yours can be a bit more challenging.

Presents are not the only way to show love, and random presents aren't a good way to show love to a baby. We hug and cuddle babies. We hug, cuddle and buy four-year-olds tiny plastic cars.

They are always buying nephew toys but none our little boy. The rare times we are all together inlaws give all attention to nephew and intoned our little boy.

I'm not unsympathetic to you and your DH, Lancashire, but I think you need to see your SIL and PILs as joint parents to your SIL's DS.

Your DS is lucky enough to have two parents to provide for his needs (physical and emotional). Your little nephew has only one. Luckily for him, your PILs have stepped up to the mark to help provide for him.

In that way, it would make sense for him to get more time and material things from them; I bet your DS gets lots of time and material things from you and DH.

Think of the situation for your little nephew. He has lost his birth family, when having found a new adoptive family and just settled in, along comes a usurper in the form of a lovely little baby. Perhaps your PIL are trying to ensure that he doesn't feel rejected all over again.

I know your SIL has said some very nasty things about you, and I'm not trying to defend that in any way. Just because she doesn't like you, though, doesn't make her a bad parent. I'm sure it makes it very hard for you to see her situation fairly, though.

I think you need to step back from the situation, and be thankful for what you, your DH and your DS do have.

Not challenging at all tily millions of gp manage it and asking the question...

so what does he eat now,....not hard and even easier bearing in mind they are being given food for him every single week....and can see it with their own eyes.

Perhaps your PIL are trying to ensure that he doesn't feel rejected all over again

But its ok to make the DH and his child be rejected then?

Really...does it really take much effort and time to buy token gifts, provide some food, even sometimes? Not cancel the one hols you have with your new GC? To just once put the Dh and his family first?

Razzle Have you been on MN long? Have you not seen the threads on MN about weaning and grandparents?

Millions of grandparents buy their baby grandchildren food and piss off the parents, is more like it, according to MN!

We still do not know what these toys are, that are "always" being bought. Perhaps, like millions of grandparents, they didn't buy things for the SIL's little boy when he was a baby, either.

No, perhaps it doesn't take much effort to provide 'token gifts'. But perhaps the PIL, like millions of normal grandparents, don't buy token gifts. They only buy things that are wanted by the receiver.

razzledazzle I know, I was agreeing with you :)

tilly They have this child every week. How the fuck do they not know what he eats? That's a major level of disinterest on its own.

I have seen millions of threads about sons feeling pushed out by their sisters, parents who favour their daughters and are horrid to their daughter in laws and sons who are dragging their new family into toxic webs with their old ones desperate for praise and respect and attention and they never get it.

Whatever YOU think Tilly, the op and her DH are noticing how they are pushed out and their DS is too.

If the ops pils, did treat them more fairly they wouldn't be thinking this would they but they are thinking this...there is a problem.

I suppose op just has to go on, providing food and all else, knowing for four days a week the other child gets everything plus toys and attention and affection, she has to be in teh same room where her baby is not given cuddles to make up for lack of toys and where her son is ignored, she should not expect to every go away with them....and then maybe when her child is four.....they may start to feed it and give it a toy?

Maybe....

It changes at that age. I clearly remember tearing my hair out in frustration at the HV's insistance that eight month olds should eat three meals a day, and how mine, well, fucking wouldn't.

And how they would suddenly refuse the thing that was a hit three nights ago.

I didn't get them to a point where I had any idea whether they would eat anything each dinner time until at least ten months!

I think that what all but a few previous posters are overlooking is that, often, adopted children - especially those adopted after babyhood (though I realise we don't know how long the SIL has had her son) - may need to be parented (and grandparented) differently.

The OP mentions that, at four, her nephew is still in nappies, possibly suggesting some form of developmental delay...? He may have had an abused and neglected early life, as well as the trauma of losing his birth family, and if so, the SIL has probably involved her parents, who are among her son's main carers, in his care plan in whatever way it might differ from parenting an NT birth child. What may look to the OP like neglect on the SIL's part, and over-attentiveness and favouritism on the PILs', may simply be the way in which this child needs to be cared for, as well as the difference in what kinds of attention a baby under one and a four-year-old needs.

Not defending the SIL's unpleasantness for a moment, however. And if the OP and her husband genuinely think their nephew is being neglected, they should speak to SS about their concerns before she is approved to adopt another child.

burren if this is the case, why on earth are the pils not sharing this with op,.......I mean even if they do not want to go into gory details, why not say...this child has had x y and z, keeping details brief to protect him if they feel this is neccasary but just something to allay their sons?

Nephew may well have some delay but SIL has said she can't be bothered potty training him and goes mad at inlaws when they try

?

My parents don't buy DD food. I always bring it.

But they do always buy for me and DH because we can eat the same food as them.

They are not favoring us over their first precious grandchild.

A four year old can eat the same foods as an adult, a baby cannot. If my parents get raspberries and put them in the fridge, I am welcome to help myself to them. If I don't eat those, my parents will. But my baby cannot eat those and my parents can't eat baby food that my baby doesn't.

There's no point in getting a bunch of extra food for her when I can just bring a bottle down myself with the specific formula brand and type that she uses. I'll probably be doing the same with jarred baby food. I will know what types of blended up fruit and veggies she likes, there's no point for my parents to guess, because again if she doesn't eat it, it'll just sit there and be a waste of money.

As for the nappies, again they watch him 4 days a week. Your son is only there 1 day while you are there with him. GPs don't need to watch your son and look after him, you do it while they visit.

Perhaps the PILs just expect their DS to understand, Razzle, that an adopted child may well have more complex needs.

They would appear to be wrong in this assumption, of course.

'If we arrange to do something with them at weekend SIL butts in and they end up bein with her (apparently we can't do stuff togther as SIL hates me and does not want to spend time with me)'

This is what got me, and the holiday situation. This is where it will start to affect the op's ds soon. When he's old enough to know his dgp are coming over or looking forward to days out/holidays and then they cancel. That's not ok, and will leave him feeling so let down.

Ditto the amount of attention given on the rare occasion they're all together. He will start to notice, and I think this is the angle you or dh should be taking when discussing it with the gp OP, the extra childcare or toys can be ignored or explained away by circumstances but this is not a fair way to treat your grandson.

Razzle is it their information to broadcast?

If SIL hates OP, I suspect SIL is perceptive enough to see OP rather hates her back, so she may not trust OP with such details.

Nephew may well have some delay but SIL has said she can't be bothered potty training him and goes mad at inlaws when they try

That's her interpretation. If someone tried potty training DD before I knew she was ready I'd be frustrated and feel like they were taking over my parenting. She is probably getting advice from the doctor on how to handle it and she's not obligated to share that information.

Also, she does not need to share info about her son and what his delays are. If OP can't figure out from the fact he isn't potty trained yet that he needs different treatment for his needs, telling her isn't going to give her an understanding. It doesn't take rocket science to figure out an adopted child is only taken permanently away from a home unless he's been abused.

OP you provided the answer in your opening post ie your PILS have said it's because you don't need that level of help.

Take it at face value and wait and see when your DS is older because right now at 10 months this isn't going to affect him. I think we all feel so protective towards our DC especially the first and it makes it harder to keep things in perspective.

Your SILS outbursts about you have nothing to do with this , don't be tempted to think they will take your side over their DDs because they won't.

Razzle your posts are becoming outrageous. The comment about Battersea dog's home in particular.

Social work departments don't get it right all the time but a judgement was made and the child given to the sister. It seems perfectly sensible the gps support would be factored in to the decision. Would you prefer the child remained in the care system or the child can leave it to a family unit of 1 mother and 2 gps.

The OP and her sil don't like each other. The OP was turned down for adoption the sil wasn't won't help.

There has been plenty of mud slinging on here about sil's poor patenting skills with no evidence of it. And for the reasons above the support of gps is not evidence of poor parenting.

The OP to me, came across as petulant and selfish. It's not enough she has a loving husband, a baby and her own supportive parents she has to have equal call on the ils as well, regardless of need.

Perhaps she ought to remind herself there is no obligation on any gps to do anything. For many parents 1 afternoon a week is miles more than will ever be offered.