Being treated differently then sister in law

[Lancashiregal10]

Basically sister in law has a four year old and we have a 10 month old. Sister in law is a single parent (she adopted as a single parent).
A bit of background at the time of adopting me and DH thought we could not have children and would find it hard to be approved as adopters as I have uncontrolled epilepsy (been through process and told this). SIL then suddenly decides she wants to adopt as a single parent (fine, no issue with this). When she was approved she tells my DH that "she will finally have something that we don't have". Now she has always been like this so we are a bit disgusted but we both shrug it off.
She has always had her mum and dad (my DH parents) pay for everything and they practically bring up her child for her. (Again if she and inlaws are ok with this its their issue, we can afford stuff she can't and its none of our business how her child is brought up).
Anyway fast forward to me and DH having child that we never though we could (cue major paddies and childish from SIL but that is another story).
But now we are finding her little boy is being treated so different then ours. They never have time to spend with ours (apart from one afternoon a week which they look after and we are very gratefull for)
If we arrange to do something with them at weekend SIL butts in and they end up bein with her (apparently we can't do stuff togther as SIL hates me and does not want to spend time with me)
We have to provide all milk, food, nappies for that one half day a week yet They have SILs kid fours days and she provides nothing.
They are always buying nephew toys but none our little boy. The rare times we are all together inlaws give all attention to nephew and intoned our little boy.
Last year when DS was six months we had arranged to go away with them for a week to the Peak District but due to SIL kicking up fuss that she could not cope, they only came for a night however they go away with SIL a least four weeks a year (all paid for by them) and we are never invited as again SIL hates me (My crime was marring her brother and even worse then that proving to be fertile after all)
Until now we did not give a toss but now we are starting to see the differences between inlaws treatment of our little boy and nephews already.
Maybe we are just being anal. DH has taked to his mum and dad but its a case of SIL needs them and we don't. Which is true we don't but we want our little boy to feel as close to them as nephew does and not feel left out
Tell me please if being unreasonable

I don't see any evidence of a 'hatchet' that needs burying. Quite the reverse - the OP has actually been HUGELY tolerant of a massive inequity in the support offered to her family compared to that of her SIL over the longer term. This is not only practically damaging to her family, but emotionally damaging too for her and her DH, and for the kids in the longer term.

She isn't even calling for a 50/50 split - she's simply asking if the GP could possibly help her out just a little bit more, which seems really reasonable in the circumstances.

the OP might have been hugely tolerant - so might well the SIL.

all we have is what the OP says the DH says the SIL said. we have no idea what he said to her. etc. etc.

etc.etc.

burying the hatchet is always the thing to do (unless there is criminal activity/neglect).

Of course, we can only go with what the OP has described on here. But we have to proceed on here as if people are describing their situations with a reasonable degree of accuracy, or what would be the point?

I don't think the answer is to ignore the inequality of treatment. I think it's either to raise it gently and sensibly with the PIL, or to reconfigure the relationships with them so they have far less access to her DC and far less influence over them.

...of course they treat an adopted 4 yo differently than a 10 month old baby.

how could the GP you treat them equally? bearing in mind one child has two sets of GP and one has one set?

or to reconfigure the relationships with them so they have far less access to her DC and far less influence over them.

I read this as you thinking the PIL are toxic isabella? I don't see any evidence for that. I think this advice is potentially really damaging. It risks a huge family rupture and would deny OP's DC their DGC.

OP, if you want your DC to have a good relationship with their DGP, all you can do is what is within your power to make that happen. Invite them over for meals. Arrange days out. Try to build YOUR relationship with them too. Take SIL out of the emotional equation - she is a separate one in her own right.

If your SIl is openly that hostile and unpleasant to you then you need to distance yourself from her.

That is a different issue to how your DH's parent treat both children - the amount of attention a 7 month old and a 4 year old need is different. Its always possible that they do give your nephew more attention.

I am a single adopter and my mum certainly gives DS more attention than the other grandchildren had for exactly the reason that others have pointed out - he is the only child of a single parent - he has only one functional grandparent and only one functional parent (whether they are adoptive or "natural" isn't actually relevant!) and she is conscious of how much more he needs her input. If she doesn't pay for us to come on holiday with her, then we don;t go on holiday at all. Would you prefer that? I would be upset if my sister thought like that.

If your SIL is as unpleasant as you paint her then that's probably why they spend so much time with him - perhaps they are concerned about her parenting too. Are you really suggesting that they decrease their involvement with him in order that they see your child more than the afternoon a week they currently do?

I also think if she is that unpleasant and narcissistic, it probably wasn't the best idea acting as a referee and you shouldn't do so with this adoption. If you think she isn't a competent parent providing a reference to say that she is shows your DH enables her narcissistic behaviour (if it is that) as much as his parents do.

"It sounds like SIL has narcissistic personality disorder. If you look it up, her behaviour might strike a chord with some of the symptoms."

Because one thread can bring us to that conclusion, were as a full adopting assessment would completely miss it.

Sibling relationships are explored, especially when the Brother has given her a reference, tbh, that needs exploring, rather than who buys nappies, for when the GP's have the OP's child once a week.

X post with Kew.

The SIL had been openly insulting to the OP, yet her DH gives a glowing reference.

And I would never expect my mum to buy nappies - they're expensive and she wouldn't have the first clue which ones to buy.

It is very clear you don't like SIL, and that she has said some nasty things to you.

I am not convinced the children are being treated unfairly. I used to have to provide a nappy bag when mine were ten months. At four years old, we could stay the night, and all I would have to pack for the children is their bedtime cuddly toys and clean clothes! If MIL has been to Tesco, she will automatically have everything else we could possibly need!

They are always buying nephew toys but none our little boy.
Ten month olds don't need so much in the way of toys, and they certainly don't ask for them as much as four year olds! My children get a lot more toys from me, DH, MIL and the aunties and uncles now they're no longer ten months old, too!

It's not so much that I think the PIL are toxic, as that if you're not getting anything out of the relationship with them except hurt at a feeling that your family comes second best, why bother? Put that time and energy into cultivating a set of decent friends instead! If they can't be bothered to help out with the GC to the point that the OP is scared of her children feeling second best, why bother with them?

To be clear: I say this because I think that the OP describes a relationship that is grossly disproportionate in the way that it is skewed towards SIL. I'm not saying that things should be 50/50, but this is more 90/10, and that's hugely unfair on the OP.

She sounds like an Narc. Her parents are her enablers- probably through a lifetime of fear of her kicking off. Your DH and your child will never get anything like their fair share of attention. Trying to change them is pointless.
You need to cut your SIL out- calling you a 'barren bitch' is enough of an excuse if you need one.
Do not let your inlaws talk about her or refer to her. They want you all to go along with it for an easy ride and their top priority is her.It won't be so easy for them if you cut her out.
We have had the same problem. We tried to talk about it. They made noises but nothing changed- if anything it got worse.

isabella I think the answer to 'why bother' is that until the DC are old enough to have their own relationship with their DGP, I feel (bar serious issues and abuse), it's up to the parents to allow that relationship to flourish. The OP is projecting feelings onto her 10mo DC that she or he simply may not have. I have been close to my DGP on both sides. SOme cousins more close, others less. Some cousins have lived with DGP, such has been their need. Never been an issue for me. Agree with pp that these are sibling issues superimposed onto the DGC and nothing good can come of it.

And let's be clear, the DGP are looking after her DC for half of their only free weekday. OP, you should meet my DM for true disinterest. She has been to see my DC once this year, for an hour.

The gP could buy one pack of nappies to last them for months and months knowing their GC will be visiting for one day, they could also get a couple of wipes in.

I dont buy what the other posters are saying.

GP don't need to bestow emotional needs onto GC and GC don't need emotional support from their GP, if they get it from parents.

Your also making huge massive presumptions that the child does have SN....maybe mum is lazy as op said she over heard once?

However going with the SN needs or extra support theory, still no need not to fill op and her DH in on whats actually going on..should this be the case.

To explain why they are doing what they are doing, however I think its simply because they probably just like SIL more, get on with her and get more out of the relationship and yes,....if they had to choose which they have...they have chosen SIL.

oP YOUR child will do perfectly well, seeing his GP far less frequently and when their full attention can be bestowed upon him.

He will certainly flourish without them, however, he will be damaged as he grows older and realises he is very much second, soon to be third on GP list.

As I said, there is no need to make anyone feel left out.

I would stand my ground on this, say to DH....I am sorry you still feel the need to please and get validation and praise from your parents, I don't think you will ever get it. The whole situation is toxic and damaging...they can still see DS however, only a few times a .......month/year and only when they can commit their full attention to him...should they wish too.

isabella I think the answer to 'why bother' is that until the DC are old enough to have their own relationship with their DGP, I feel (bar serious issues and abuse), it's up to the parents to allow that relationship to flourish

I am not sure the word flourish is correct here....and if they treat the baby this differently goodness knows what goes on behind closed doors..

I see no need for the poor baby to be exposed to this.

As a parent and as the sister of a SN brother, no one treated anyone differently, there is simply no need.

I do not feel sorry for the GP as they have only two grandchildren to deal with and they seem to be unable to be more fair to them, even with one needing, (perhaps) more support.

The cancelling of the holiday says it all really, and op would be stupid to put her and her family in such a position again.

So sorry for you, as someone who wants to adopt and sees it as an amazing thing I'm not sure she should have been approved as a suitable adoptive parent-she sounds vile. Jealous you are a Mum. Crazy woman, she got her chance of being one too. I'de abandon the lot of them.

tobiasfunke

Totally agree and also been there and done it...its hard for people to understand the dynamics unless been there.

I would add she probably kicks off but also, I bet they simply favour her more.....going on what op has said about her poor DH.

RazzleDazzleEm Unless the OP has an amazing non-growing under-one, one pack of nappies will neither fit for months, nor last for months, at one day a week.

Between birth and ten months, I think my children went through Pampers sizes prem, 1, 2, 3 and quite possibly 3+. We used cloth as well, but I think that if we only used disposables, 4-6 nappies would be a reasonable number of nappies for a day.

Rootypig - I think you value family far more than I do! I don't believe that anyone has a 'right' to a relationship with anyone else, blood or not - I think you have to earn it. (But then I come from an extremely dysfunctional family, so I would think that, right?). I don't believe that relationships with GP are any more inherently valuable than relationships with a good family friend, for instance.

I don't think it's fair, though, to say that the OP is projecting sibling rivalries onto her children: she made it clear earlier in the thread that this was a concern about the future - about how to explain to her children that they only see GP once a week, when their cousin sees them all the time. I do think that's a valid concern when there is obvious favouritism.

I do believe that there are different needs within a family setup, and I think this is probably a case where the SIL needs a bit more support, but things are totally out of hand here! One 'unit' should not have to 'pay' for the poor parenting/skills of another - imagine what extra the OP and her kids could achieve if given the same support as SIL. Really, if the SIL's parenting is so bad that the GP have to step in to the extent that they neglect their other GC, words need to be had and care services involved.

Well then Razzle we will have to disagree, which of course is fine - but I personally feel projecting "damage" onto a "poor baby" who spends a good chunk of a day a week with DGP is hysterical.

Taking the OP's posts at face value the DGP do treat their children and their grandchildren differently. But this doesn't mean treating OP's DC badly! they look after him/her every week, fgs, I've said above everyone needs to see what true disinterest looks like! All you can do is keep your own side of the street clean, OP needs to get on with her life, and help her DC have a good relationship with his/her DGP, not sabotage it. Or it's just a self fulfilling prophecy, isn't it.

""GP don't need to bestow emotional needs onto GC and GC don't need emotional support from their GP, if they get it from parents. ""

They do with adoptive children. SS assessment, as I explained draw a family circle and those in it have to be onboard.

They should anyway, I've never heard anyone say that emotional support doesn't come from every member of the close family.

""Your also making huge massive presumptions that the child does have SN....maybe mum is lazy as op said she over heard once"""

That can't be decided until the child is older, most adoptive children have delay. I work for SS.

As for the nappies my DN, who I mind has gone from a 3 to a 5+ in two months. The clothes bought in March don't fit him. The GP's have him once a week, that really is lots.

You obviously don't understand the needs of an adopted child in the first few years, but also longer.

The child would of still had a SW in the first year and then scaled back involvement, but that will be upped, if the SIL wants to adopt again because the lack of toilet training won't be down to laziness.

SS will be asking questions.

What a sad situation
SIL sounds toxic and disengaged from her son but that dorsnt mean GPs should enable her bad behaviour or blatantly favour one GS over the other. They should have enough love to give both boys and of course your DS will notice this for himself as he grows up.
As for a 4 year old needing more time from the GPs, I wonder what will happen when SIL gets child 2. If it is younger than OPs son , will it become 3rd in the pecking order or will GPs favour that child above OOs son too?
Very sad to see that favoritism of a child continues into the next generation along with the damage up DH and potential damage to DS.
I suspect they will delays favour DSis and her children, adopted or otherwise . Disengage as far as you are able. It does not sound if they will really contribute in a positive fashion to your sons life and could damage his self esteem wi

OP needs to get on with her life, and help her DC have a good relationship with his/her DGP, not sabotage it but its not op who is sabotaging it.

and my pils buy a small pack of nappies if baby visits for once in a blue moon.

you can also pick up baby toys for pennies at charity shops and supermarkets, to get the baby absolity nothing is cruel and it is mean.

You don't have to spend alot but a token present when the 4 year old is being spoilt with toys is only fair.

You obviously don't understand the needs of an adopted child in the first few years, but also longer

I understand that adopting a child shouldn't lead to the implosion of the immediate family, a family that has as a whole taken on the child this includes the uncle, who drove sil to appointments and vouched for her.

To now be pushed out and cut out is cruel.

As I said before, you do not have to give one child extra attention to the deficit of another.

If I was reading this as SS I would be asking, what if something happened to the GP, the mother - does not seem able to cope, not even for one week, alarm bells would be ringing for me.....very loudly, she cant cope for one week by herself with the child she has adopted, and now she wants another??

Taking the OP's posts at face value the DGP do treat their children and their grandchildren differently. But this doesn't mean treating OP's DC badly!

I really think this bears repeating.

If you weren't jealous of the time and money your SIL gets and your PIL treated your DS exactly as they do now - you wouldn't think anything of it.

The fact you don't like your SIL possibly with good reason is a separate issue.

Try to take the view that your PIL give your DS a completely appropriate amount of time and attention and be grateful that you don't need the level of support that your SIL appears to.

On a separate matter, I'm slightly concerned that her SW doesn't appear to have picked up during her assessment that her DS is not toilet trained due to her lazy parenting (although as it seems that PIL practically bring up her child for her so it is actually their lazy parenting). I think you should complain to SS as it is the kind of thing that social workers tend to be all over when doing a home study - their practices don't appear to be up to scratch in this case.

Razzle and Isabelle I'll repeat what I said before you and the OP are confusing treating the grandchildren fairly with treating them equally. The 2 are not synonymous.

birdsgottafly and rootypig set this out perfectly

The comment about one unit paying for the poor parenting skills of the other is irrelevant.

We are told by OP sil has poor skills. As birds pointed out sil and most likely gps will have been assessed by the social work department with account probably taken of the support the ils offer.

You're assuming the sil and her child is one unit , the OP and hers are the other , equally entitled to call on the gps. Why not assume the sil and the ils are one unit?

OP has a husband and her own family to support her.

It strikes me as selfish to demand the inlaws give OP's child equal time when the other child only has them and its mother.

And kudos to the ils for not putting a "real" grandchild ahead of their existing grandchild.