Being treated differently then sister in law

[Lancashiregal10]

Basically sister in law has a four year old and we have a 10 month old. Sister in law is a single parent (she adopted as a single parent).
A bit of background at the time of adopting me and DH thought we could not have children and would find it hard to be approved as adopters as I have uncontrolled epilepsy (been through process and told this). SIL then suddenly decides she wants to adopt as a single parent (fine, no issue with this). When she was approved she tells my DH that "she will finally have something that we don't have". Now she has always been like this so we are a bit disgusted but we both shrug it off.
She has always had her mum and dad (my DH parents) pay for everything and they practically bring up her child for her. (Again if she and inlaws are ok with this its their issue, we can afford stuff she can't and its none of our business how her child is brought up).
Anyway fast forward to me and DH having child that we never though we could (cue major paddies and childish from SIL but that is another story).
But now we are finding her little boy is being treated so different then ours. They never have time to spend with ours (apart from one afternoon a week which they look after and we are very gratefull for)
If we arrange to do something with them at weekend SIL butts in and they end up bein with her (apparently we can't do stuff togther as SIL hates me and does not want to spend time with me)
We have to provide all milk, food, nappies for that one half day a week yet They have SILs kid fours days and she provides nothing.
They are always buying nephew toys but none our little boy. The rare times we are all together inlaws give all attention to nephew and intoned our little boy.
Last year when DS was six months we had arranged to go away with them for a week to the Peak District but due to SIL kicking up fuss that she could not cope, they only came for a night however they go away with SIL a least four weeks a year (all paid for by them) and we are never invited as again SIL hates me (My crime was marring her brother and even worse then that proving to be fertile after all)
Until now we did not give a toss but now we are starting to see the differences between inlaws treatment of our little boy and nephews already.
Maybe we are just being anal. DH has taked to his mum and dad but its a case of SIL needs them and we don't. Which is true we don't but we want our little boy to feel as close to them as nephew does and not feel left out
Tell me please if being unreasonable

The problem with threads like this is that the OP never, ever, sayes that she has ever done ANYTHING wrong. She presents herself as the most reasonable person imaginable. This leads many to doubt, including myself.

My gut is that there is lots of history to the relationship between these two women, lots of nastiness, bitchiness and general soap opera, with both behaving abysmally at times. The SIL certainly seems horrendous OP, but if you were after after advise, you should have given us a more balanced picture.

maybe not in the received pronunciation of London's middle classes

I can hear it in all accents.

no one ever gives a balanced picture I dont know why this op is being picked on

It could all be possible though the fancying her brother struck me as a bizarre conversation to have with your nephews wife, really quite unpleasant and even more so given that no-one seemed to raise an eyebrow or objection to her adopting and even went along with it quite happily. So either SIL has deteriorated quite markedly or the family have colluded in covering up the dubious personality traits in the adoption process and have all (including OP) been a party to misleading social services which as an adoptive parent and knowing some of the difficulties the child can face does rather stick in my throat and why I struggle to have any sympathy with OP and her DH. They have colluded to allow a child with enough of a poor start already to be brought into a situation of being parented by someone clearly not up to the task of parenting a child with no additional needs let alone one with more additional needs than most.

I'd be interested to know who in this merry cast of characters provided the other two references she would have needed.

I find it impossible (having been through a home study myself) that a competent social worker would not have picked up some of SIL's less desirable traits - the nastiness and lack of empathy, incestuous leanings, lack of independence from parents, laziness etc had it not been for the family covering it all up.

And no the answer isn't - "But better that he is with her than in care" for it wouldn't be difficult to place a child under 2 who has had one set of foster parents and was removed at birth. Adopted children deserve (like every other child) the best possible parent for them not any old one that social services can scrape together. Its why the home study is done in the first place - to separate the wheat from the chaff and if you think SIL is as bad as you obviously do then really OP, you should be ashamed of yourself and your DH and his parents and his Aunts. None of you have clean hands.

Really you don't.

And I can't believe that what you take out of this rather unpleasant scenario you're painting is that your child and husband don't get enough attention.

Can I armchair diagnose a whole family with NPD?

Nodding in complete agreement with kewcumber and enjoyingmycoffee

What kewcumber said.

I think you raise some good points there Kew.

But I dont think sil has actually been in an incestual relationship with her brother.

Would the social workers ask her about her life long single status?

I do have relatives who have very easily pulled the wool over all sorts of peoples eyes...its not hard to do....

Unless the sw was cross examining ops sister on her feelings toward her sil, i fail to see how she could uncover this massive jealousy?

You would need to be a pretty aggressive examiner to break sil down to get at all of this, other wise why would she ever mention it?

Having said that OP I do agree that you have all colluded to let this poor boy go so such a strange, petty and needy lady.

I said incestuous leanings not incestuous - based on what OP said.

It home studies are conducted generally over a number of monthsand would involve many meetings with social worker. Mine certainly covered my single status - they wanted to interview ex-partners and if you had none as a 36 year old I would expect a social worker to probe this more, it would have involved not only written references for at least three people including a family member but all referees would also be interviewed in person.

I don't say that a social worker would have necessarily picked up on her obvious flaws (according to OP) but there were at least three opportunities for others to be even lukewarm about their assessment of her ability to parent which would have put the social worker on notice. All references are confidential.

I had to get into details of my sex life, was asked similar questions months apart in a slightly different way and whilst I'd like to consider myself pretty damned smart, I'd have to be obsessively organised in monitoring my own responses to be consistent in answering them.

Of course its not impossible to get through a home study whilst covering up that you're really not up to the job but in my experience the home study does a pretty good job of testing peoples reserves and fortitude and determination. Of course with family and friends telling the SW that SIL would make a fine and dandy mother it does make SW's job a tad harder.

The issue isn't just jealously of OP, according to OP SIL has always been like this although it is possible that her inability to cope has only increased after becoming a mother in which case as I have said earlier I think social services should be informed of OP's concerns.

As I said much earlier its quite possible the PIL's are so involved because they are concerned about SIL's parenting ability which seems to me to be the right and proper response for the child concerned but OP seems more concerned that her DH/DS don't get more, and no-one much seems to care about another child being brought into the same situation.

This of course presumes that the SIL is indeed quite the nasty piece of work OP paints because of course I have no reason not to believe her.

Wow, families eh?

Good luck with your family in law, OP. What a crazy situation. I'd stick close to your DH and DS if I were you. And keep Sil at arms length.

and no-one much seems to care about another child being brought into the same situation

from some of what you have said Op I think you should tell SS about it.

So they can investigate more...

As humans we all have people we do not like and who are not keen on us. I am sure some people would think my issues with my PILS would make me seem like a nasty person, to others, I would be a saint and so on....

Sil even admitting to her SW that she is not keen on her sil would surely not make alarm bells ring.

I have serveral aunts, all sisters who were fiercely proud of their brother, and still in their 80's do not like his wife and have been very bitchy behind her back, commenting on everything she has ever done.

The aunt who married in,is not aware, still visits them...

Its all normal stuff.

My alarm bells would be going at the too close obsession with the brother, and no partners.....AND the mass involvement of the GPs.

I also agree its OP's DH who is her problem and he needs to grow a back bone and sort it all out.

The OP certainly hasn't expressed much concern nor interest in her nephew beyond irritation he takes up attention which would be better directed to her son.

If the sil is as dysfunctional as OP makes out fretting about the fact her son is missing out on attention from his gps seems even more petty and misdirected than I first thought.

And as several others have said what sort of husband repeats the remarks the sil is reported to have said? How does that help the situation?

I don't like my bil and he doesn't like me, I doubt he dislikes me enough to be as vicious as sil supposedly is but I'm sure husband would challenge him , not just report it back to me.
I

I don't think that SIl has any love lost for OP is that relevant.

But someone who talks the way OP says SIL does, the lack of restraint in calling another adult names for no reason doesn't and the petulant behaviour, lack of care for the child and laziness in toilet training all add up to a personality who should not be adopting a second time and probably should not have been supported to adopt a first time though that is done now.

To give them their due at least the GP's are trying to plug the gaps in SILs parenting even if OP doesn't approve of this and perhaps they are trying too hard materially.

I'd really like to know what OP's Dh said when put down on the question "What makes you think your relative would be a good adoptive parent"?

Op I think these are valid questions for you to be asking your DH.

do you think she is a good parent to your nephew? how does he seem?

the situation you paint seems pretty fraught...

The sil now seems to be one of Tennessee Williams' less stable heroines.

I assume the OP wanted to justify her dislike of her sil (which honestly she didn't need to, not liking your husband's family is not unreasonable).

What she has achieved is to paint a picture of a woman unfit to be a parent, which, unfortunately makes her original complaint even more trivial.

What she has achieved is to paint a picture of a woman unfit to be a parent, which, unfortunately makes her original complaint even more trivial

I disagree its not trivial at all.

Op has perfectly valid and reasonable concerns.

However I agree with posters saying the adopted boy seems to be in the hands of a strange lady and she may want to adopt another...which seems very odd.

I am not sure op wants to actually do anything about it all though, there is no strategy she just wants validation that sil is not very nice.

Op has been thinking of her own situation but I think she should be thinking more of her nephew but perhaps she knows he is doing well and happy, and just has a mother who dislikes her...which wont make her a bad mother. No parent is 100% maybe she is hand cooking amazing food for him all the time but is lazy on the nappies????

I agree Phaedra

The SIL being a psycho is a separate issue to the OPs original complaint about her PIL favouring her DN over her DS. That's not an unreasonable concern considering she says her DH feels hurt that they have always favoured his SIL. That isn't trivial. I wouldn't want to expose my DS to this toxic family and if I was her I would try to stay completely clear of SIL and limit contact with PIL.

I still lay the blame at the GPs door. They aren't stupid they mustknowthere is conflict there but they don't seem to want to deal with it, either by being fairer or by encouraging their children to get along.

I've been the bitch SIL once too often, with stories probably constructed by my brothers who completely misinterpreted my relationship with my parents. I am still demonised by my sils, but the root cause was my parents who allowed misleading half truths to poison my DBS opinions of me. Now half of them are dead the truth has died with them and I am left having to reconstruct my reputation and struggle to get contact with DNS.

Boys tend to want to distance themselves from their mothers when they start their own family, girls get closer. 'Twas ever thus, what you have to do is accept the closeness dh has with his family in other ways, including building a relationship with his sister and her child outside the parents domain. Even if she called you a barren bitch. Life really is too short, you have to focus on the next generation.

knitted I agree with all you say except about the original AIBU not being trivial.

If what she says is true there are far more important issues, not that she seems to have much concern about her nephew beyond painting his mother in as bad a light as possible.

I've been the bitch SIL once too often, with stories probably constructed by my brothers who completely misinterpreted my relationship with my parents. I am still demonised by my sils, but the root cause was my parents who allowed misleading half truths to poison my DBS opinions of me

Yes I have to admit this has been me too, my jealous brother over blowing things and concocting his version of events, when the reality and truth was very different.

I agree the gps could be doing lots more to cool things down and be diplomatic. as a GP I know I would.

I still maintain op has not been treated very nicely by her family - ie the in laws. nor has her son.,

I don't think the original complaint would have been trivial had all things been equal but given the obvious disparity between the cousins I don't think the ils are being unfair.

The additional posts by OP indicate there is even greater disparity which undermines not supports her case.

ops case though is that her child is being treated different and it is.

How does it undermine her case? OP has said that she understands that GP need to spend more time with DN and give SIL more financial support. This is not the issue. It's the favouritism that is the issue.
The nephew has greater needs but they are not more important than those of the son. It's difficult for families to balance that and it sounds like these GP haven't got it right.

It undermines it because rather than being concerned that her nephew is being (apparently) so badly parented all she's worried about is her child (who has 2 parents and maternal grandparents) is missing out.

Sienna she sees it as favouritism; from what she has described it's attending to the nephew's greater needs.

She can't accept that inequality of treatment is not necessarily unfair.