Being treated differently then sister in law

[Lancashiregal10]

Basically sister in law has a four year old and we have a 10 month old. Sister in law is a single parent (she adopted as a single parent).
A bit of background at the time of adopting me and DH thought we could not have children and would find it hard to be approved as adopters as I have uncontrolled epilepsy (been through process and told this). SIL then suddenly decides she wants to adopt as a single parent (fine, no issue with this). When she was approved she tells my DH that "she will finally have something that we don't have". Now she has always been like this so we are a bit disgusted but we both shrug it off.
She has always had her mum and dad (my DH parents) pay for everything and they practically bring up her child for her. (Again if she and inlaws are ok with this its their issue, we can afford stuff she can't and its none of our business how her child is brought up).
Anyway fast forward to me and DH having child that we never though we could (cue major paddies and childish from SIL but that is another story).
But now we are finding her little boy is being treated so different then ours. They never have time to spend with ours (apart from one afternoon a week which they look after and we are very gratefull for)
If we arrange to do something with them at weekend SIL butts in and they end up bein with her (apparently we can't do stuff togther as SIL hates me and does not want to spend time with me)
We have to provide all milk, food, nappies for that one half day a week yet They have SILs kid fours days and she provides nothing.
They are always buying nephew toys but none our little boy. The rare times we are all together inlaws give all attention to nephew and intoned our little boy.
Last year when DS was six months we had arranged to go away with them for a week to the Peak District but due to SIL kicking up fuss that she could not cope, they only came for a night however they go away with SIL a least four weeks a year (all paid for by them) and we are never invited as again SIL hates me (My crime was marring her brother and even worse then that proving to be fertile after all)
Until now we did not give a toss but now we are starting to see the differences between inlaws treatment of our little boy and nephews already.
Maybe we are just being anal. DH has taked to his mum and dad but its a case of SIL needs them and we don't. Which is true we don't but we want our little boy to feel as close to them as nephew does and not feel left out
Tell me please if being unreasonable

I will sign off now with the following
I have actually said earlier in this thread that I would like to know if i had done something wrong and I have said things in the past when she has gone for me so no I do not think I am totally blameless
Also I know I am telling the truth and that is good enough for me, why the hell would someone make this up. If I did I should be writing novels.
I will be contacting social services re second child and telling them my concerns
And as for pulling the wool over social services eyes, if even half of the stuff reported in the news is true is seems to be not that difficult
Pheladra- no actually I don't think it's that difficult for grandparents to treat all grandchildren the same when they are together. My parents manage it will 6 grandchildren one of which has downs symdrome. But you and I shall never agree so let's just leave it there and of course I feel affection for my nephew. My SIL behaviour towards me past and present had nothing to do with him
As regards my DH he thought he was doing the right thing backing SIL to adopt as he hoped it would be the making of her. He did mention at the time to the social worker that his sister did tend to turn to her parents all the time and this should be discussed and monitored.
Yes DH needs to tackle this but if any of you could go through life with your sibling getting all the attention and so much more then you and it not effect you at all then you are better people then me.
And finally I am 110% sure nothing sexually has gone on between DH and his sister. The aunt (by marrage) once followed me out when SIL was being vile and told me her thoughts re SIL feelings and this could be why she hates me so much.
Thankyou for you thoughts and comments

It's a shame your thread went peculiar OP, but I hope you got something useful from it. Good luck!

This is a problem entirely created by the grandparents. Your discussions should be with them, they need to keep the peace, not SIL or the cousin. Calling SS will be a disaster, unless you discuss it with GPs first. Try to hold back OP, you could be creating a massive rift you can't come back from.

SIL has been truly horrible and weird, but sometimes that weirdness is a result of distorted facts fed to her by her parents. I think they are heavily involved in her dysfunctional behaviour. Buying their gc 100 presents is bizarre and unhealthy. Looking after him 2 days a week is almost coparenting and must be reported to SS unless they were vetted too. Abusive parents are not unknown to use their messed up children to get access to more children, SS will be aware of this.

But be careful OP.

good luck op you have generally had some good advice on this thread...i hope you have a clearer idea of how your going to help the situation in the future, backing away from GP and more involvement from your own is a great idea...massviley lower expectations from your inlaws and gently encourage your dh to stop wanting from them, what they cannot give...its leading to misery now and will only lead to more later.

BTW you never said why they had to have him one day a week...and why you cant stop this.
I would stop it and generally withdraw.

Looking after him 2 days a week is almost coparenting and must be reported to SS unless they were vetted too

v good point.

Looking after him 2 days a week is almost coparenting and must be reported to SS unless they were vetted too

No it musn't unless you think they are abusing or neglecting him.

An adopted child is no different legally to any other child, he is legally her child and provided she sticks to the law on not abusing or neglecting her child anyone she likes can look after him. He is just a child being looked after by his grandparents.

The rules on not being looked after by anyone who doesn't have a DBS check only applies to looked after children - ie before a final adoption order is granted.

If it was anticipated that they would be caring for him 4 days a week at the time of the homes study/matching process then they should have had a DBS check done or if they live with SIL (all adult living in the household need one). But weekends with the parent present is not necessarily "co-parenting".

If OP got her way and her DS spent as much time with the PIL as her nephew does would you expect her to get them vetted by SS.

Its relevant during assessment but not afterwards. If SIL is truly as big a witch as OP suggests then GP's might have stepped up their involvement due to concern over the grandson.

Discussing with PIL before you report your concerns about adoption 2 to SS is a very wise move. I wouldn't be surprised at all if they do not see SIL's parenting in the same light as you so be very sure that your interpretation of events is accurate.

Jealousy on behalf of your DS/DH that they don't get the same attention as your SIL/DN, whilst it might be a valid gripe of yours, shouldn't be allowed to colour your perception of her parenting. Take a long hard think about how you are interpreting her parenting because if you are right, you will have prevented a child being inappropriately placed but if SIL finds out who dobbed her in then she will never speak to either of you again (which you might prefer). So you need to be absolutely sure in your own mind that she really is as vile a person as everyone (apart from her parents it seems) thinks she is and so totally inadequate a parent.

Kewcumbe I agree. The OP's version of events has gone from griping about the supposedly unfair treatment of the 2 children to now deciding she will report her sil as an unfit parent.

She needs to be very sure of that allegation. Needing help from extended family and not liking her brother's wife does not make sil an unfit parent.

I know someone who adopted and for the first year or so nobody else was allowed to care for the child, for obvious bonding reasons I guess. In this case the child is older so I may be wrong.

Either way OP you need to really take stock and find out the truth and confront it, it may simply be unfortunate, the family may just be another of many dysfunctional ones and you might have to just put up with playing second fiddle. Bear in mind that things might change in the future.

unreal - no-one who is not DBS checked can looked after a child unsupervised who is still under Local authority care which includes up to the final adoption order.

As a parent (like other parents) you may have your own "rules" about how you are raising your child and yes not having someone else looking after a child overnight in the first year of placement does sound quite normal depending on the age of the child. But it isn't a matter for social services. It is possible for the adoption order not to have been granted in the first year so in your acquaintances case either could be true.

My DS was placed with me aged 1 and was certainly having overnight with my mum after about 6 months which social services were well aware of.

unreal the nephew was 14 months when he was adopted. He's now 4, the adoption has been in place almost 3 years.

Sorry just one more thing
I never said I was going to report SIL regarding nephew I said I would forward my concerns to Social services about how I don't think she could cope with another at the present time. In the future who knows
Thanks again ladies
Goodnight :)

op I wouldn't do it unprompted, just in the course of whatever normal interview might take place when it comes to SIL attempting another adoption.

But sil sounds un hinged like she has had a child out of vengence for her brother etc..

she cant cope for one week alone with her own son and now wants another?