to really not understand why some working mothers

[Duckierub]

still pick up the lions share of the house work and childcare.

I have friends who work same/similar hours to their partners but seem to still pick up the lions share of the house work and childcare.

I wonder what message this sends out to the next generation?

AIBU to think that when the working day is over, whether you are a SAHM or work out the house and whatever the gender, the household duties should then be shared.

Isn't it weird how a working mother who does a second shift at home gets bashed for doing the second shift while her partner who doesn't do a second shift at home doesn't get mentioned at all, and the effect of his freeloading on the next generation is also ignored?

I think you need to rephrase:

To really not understand why some working fathers still opt out of their fair share of house work and childcare.

I can't imagine that most of those women are doing all the work because they desperately want to. I certainly agree with you, household duties should be shared between adults (and children as they grow older).

There is a recent research study showing that girls aspirations are higher if their dads do their fair share of housework (apparently regardless of what the fathers say/ how they support their daughters ambitions).

www.cbc.ca/news/technology/dads-who-do-housework-have-more-ambitious-daughters-1.2655928

mathanxiety

I think men get bashed all the time not just on here but IRL too. I regularly hear women complaining about men not doing their share.

I think the patronising comments from women in previous generations towards men being incapable have not helped. My mother complains bitterly her husband doesn't cook but if he steps inside the kitchen she immediately tuts he's not doing things right and put him down.

Yes, some men need to take responsibility but I think there is a secondary issue which is that some women enable it to happen.

nooka

Interesting link thank you.

However I don't need to rephrase to fathers not doing their fair share. There has been many threads on that issue. I am arguing that SOME women need to be more responsible and either hold their partners to account or enable them to take responsiblity.

Poor poor lazy men. Yes, we should blame women because men don't do their fair share.

Thank goodness for DH, who does his share and not shitly either.

DP and I both work full-time, if anything he does more around the house than I do to be honest.

Lol, I sometimes think when DH does do something, he does a shit job of it so I tell him not to bother! Maybe he needs to be taught to clean properly??

If I didn't do it then it wouldn't get done. Or it would get done for a week then the excuses pile in.

I want a clean toilet, so I do it. I still nag DH to do his chores though.

This is aimed at the non-professional working mothers, I assume?

In what way are they going to hold them to account? Contact the household police? Divorce them?

Please please tell me oh wise one, how can I ' responsibly' get my partner to do 50%? I have tried arguing, just not doing it, sitting down and listing the chores and asking which half he would like to do. I have tried pointing out the damage that the build up of resentment does to our relationship, my health, my career and our sex life. Things are improving gradually but still nothing like the 50% I took for granted would occur. Please, if you have the magic solution, tell me! Seriously, what works? Gender conditioning goes way deeper than I ever imagined even in 'nice guys',

IMO men are less likely to do household chores than women because they care less, on average, about domestic comforts.

If a man is doing less than his fair share in the home I should imagine it's because
a) they've had bad role models, and
b) their partner enables it.

Generally on these threads ocelot you'll be told you shouldn't have married them in the first place. Ignoring the fact that in the main most housework-shirkers have just enough nouse to pull their weight until you're sufficiently committed to them to put up with it...

This thread is so depressing. It's almost as annoying as those threads where people whose MILs aren't horrible to them pile in to say those who aren't so lucky must be deficient in some way...

One of the reasons I like to be a sahm, having given up a very good career as a senior marketing manager to do so, is that I do all the housework etc to the standard I like and there is no resentment about it as I don't expect anyone else to do it. My dh will do it if I ask him to but some of the stuff that bothers me just doesn't bother him. It doesn't even register on his radar. I am very house proud and I like to do things my own way.

When I was married before (obviously to someone else) he and I both worked full time and I still ended up doing everything at home because he just didn't care about it. If he did a wash for example he'd hang it up all creased over the radiators without shaking the folds out or if he did the bathroom he'd just do the sink and think that was fine because that's all he'd used.

I'm sure if I lived with my mother the situation would be the same... she's really not bothered about housework and just wouldn't notice or care about having things the same way as me.

I'm not convinced it's a gender thing. I think it's just a personality / lazy thing.

Because it needs done, it really would be left if I didn't do it, I can't risk falling short in case someone calls SS again. Although I admit I've been struggling lately and if someone did an inspection I fear I could be in trouble for not doing enough.

In addition there are a group of colleagues who call me lazy I need to prove them wrong by pushing myself everywhere not just work.

I dont know how they can be bothered tbh. Dh does a lot, and I even have the children doing quite a bit. I rule with an iron fist

IMO men are less likely to do household chores than women because they care less, on average, about domestic comforts

^this, is the case in my house. He just doesn't see what needs doing. It's nothing to do with be not "enabling" him, he just doesn't see what needs to be done or cares about it until it directly affects him

Brilliant. It's irresponsibility on the part of the woman that the man chooses not do his fair share.

I don't think men having bad role models, though they often do, is the reason, I think they are just generally more selfish.

If they do nothing someone else will pick up the work.

I complained to my DH that he was grumpy the other day, he replied that he is not grumpy when he is left to do what he wants to do. Ie when he is doing something he doesn't want to do he is grumpy, hence does no housework (I'm not working at the moment so do the HW).

Also the state of the home reflects on the woman more in society. I had a friend who did little HW, her DP was scrubbing the (grotty) toilet before his DPs visited, she didn't care. But it is rare for women to feel that way.

Yabu there could be many reasons.

I do the lions share of the childcare cos I want to be with my DC as much as possible when not working. DH is happy to spend a few hours doing sport instead.

DH does most of the housework cos he's more houseproud than me.

I agree with personality thing. My dad has done next to no housework ever but my brother is a clean freak, everything has a place with him. When we shared a room as children it was very clear where his half ended and mine began.

My husband is another with whom dirt doesn't register so I give him a list of what I want done and check it afterwards. He's doing 99% just now as I'm pregnant with spd it's not great but he tries hard. We're just not on the same page with it.

Mine does more than 50 percent of the housework and we share child care.

In his case it is because he was brought up well. His brother is similar.

How on earth do you enable men to do housework?!? They have got (usually) two arms and legs just like women. They have eyes, they know where cleaning products are kept.

Secondly, why the assumption that the OP is aimed at non-professional women? Are professional women all supposed to have cleaners or are they supposed to have managed to find husbands who are not domestically challenged, or worked out how to enable their husbands to do chores.

FWIW, I did leave the domestically challenged husband, having failed in every way to get him to do his fair share. Well, not only that, also the fact that he expected it to be as if no-one lived there, told me he cleaned up his own mess, expected sex in return for doing chores, told me a couple of weeks after dc was born that I had not done the cleaning properly, made a great play of re-doing things which he would not normally have done in the first place, etc. Oh dear God, it was a nightmare. We did have a cleaner for a while, but she was apparently not good enough and he complained endlessly about her, even though I have to say, she made my life easier.

Well, I am not sure if that answers the OP but I feel better for getting that out!