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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really not understand why some working mothers

162 replies

Duckierub · 31/05/2014 05:31

still pick up the lions share of the house work and childcare.

I have friends who work same/similar hours to their partners but seem to still pick up the lions share of the house work and childcare.

I wonder what message this sends out to the next generation?

AIBU to think that when the working day is over, whether you are a SAHM or work out the house and whatever the gender, the household duties should then be shared.

OP posts:
Igggi · 31/05/2014 12:04

I do all the DIY and my own car "stuff". I can tell you the amount of time spent on these activities is minuscule compared to laundry, shopping, tidying etc. So if you are pleased because your dp deals with DIY and you are doing all the housework, I think you are being short-changed. Unless you have entered Grand Designs or something.

mrsbucketxx · 31/05/2014 12:04

the choice is this

is housework more important that the man you love?, many say no so they stay why is this a bad thing? i'm sure most lived with their partners before hand and so know what the score was when they married.

Original poster
Duckierub · 31/05/2014 12:04

Calmet
"If women want to do most of the housework and childcare, I would leave them to get on with it."

You don't think this will have an effect on gender values for the children? I do.

OP posts:
mrsbucketxx · 31/05/2014 12:07

Duckie there are lots of slovenly women out there who do nothing to,

you hear it so much on mn bragging about being a slattern, that's a worse example to set isn't it

Original poster
Duckierub · 31/05/2014 12:08

I think it's equally as bad mrsbucket

OP posts:
calmet · 31/05/2014 12:10

Yes I do duckie. But all we can do is openly question it. Ultimately we can't make anyone else do anything.

And of course mrsbucket doing an equal share is important. Because it is about valuing each other equally. I would feel guilty and know I am taking advantage if I let my DP do most of the housework, while I did little or nothing. Why would I want to use my DP like that? If you love and respect each other, then you treat your partner fairly, not just what you can get away with.

calmet · 31/05/2014 12:13

mrsbucket - I always take it with a pinch of salt in terms of what women mean by their house being dirty. Of course a really filthy house is not okay. But a lot of the time when women talk about details, they just mean their house isn't immaculate.

My kitchen floor needs cleaning again. i swept it yesterday and washed it a week ago. I could easily boast about how filthy my floor is and how I don't spend much time doing housework.

mrsbucketxx · 31/05/2014 12:13

if you have household where a m an refuses to do anything.

do you divorce him or put your big girl pants on and sort it, i think the latter is better than a broken home over housework. really?

Original poster
Duckierub · 31/05/2014 12:14

Calmet
"Yes I do duckie. But all we can do is openly question it."

Which is exactly why I started this thread. I made it very clear through my posts that this was not about women who have desperately tried to challenge their partners on the issue to no avail.
I gave an example to highlight my point. I do not think this is about women bashing but trying to highlight the effect of enabling a partner to do nothing has longer social implications on the next generation. And as women in the 21st century we should do everything in our power to stop the cycle of expectations put upon women through the raising and example we set to our children.

OP posts:
calmet · 31/05/2014 12:15

That is pretty patronising. Women do try and change things. What do you do if he absolutely refuses to change?

Original poster
Duckierub · 31/05/2014 12:20

Calmet

How many times do I have to repeat myself. Some will not change it is not what I am referring to.

It is people who complain that their partners do nothing but actually do not allow them to by either to do things anyway except for their way. Or as in the example I gave shooing them out the way.

OP posts:
ormirian · 31/05/2014 12:24

So even when working mothers are responsible enough to go above and beyond to ensure that their family home is clean and habitable, there is food to eat and everyone is decently clothed, she is still at fault for not wasting precious energy and time forcing someone else to do something they should do without argument. Fuck me I wish I was a man! Must be so nice to not be responsible for anything at all....

Aspiringhuman · 31/05/2014 12:25

Dh likes gardening so will do some of that, occasionally wash the dishes and put the washing machine on, he's there for DC when I'm at work but dd1 takes herself to work.

I do the car stuff, dust, hoover, clean bathroom, cook, iron, change beds, coordinate all appointments, do the shopping etc.

People are always telling me how hard done to DH is but I'm really struggling to do more. The guilt they make me feel makes me try and do more but it's difficult. I get so tired but people say I've no right to be tired.

DH is very good at spotting stuff like mess and dirt and moaning at me about it. He gets so angry and embarrassed by my failings.

ocelot41 · 31/05/2014 12:25

On a more positive note, things started to get much better in our house when I refused to duck the rows and when DH really realised how unwell I was getting with doing more like 80:20. Sadly, the same has not worked for my sister - she once had to go away for two weeks for work and he had not managed to wash any of the 4 DCs clothes, including their school uniform. Instead he offered to a/ buy new ones or b/spray them with Febreze. Yes really...

grovel · 31/05/2014 12:39

When we got engaged my DH (semi-jokingly) made having a cleaner a "condition" of marriage. He knew my flat was generally pristine and that his was generally untidy and in need of dusting/hoovering (clean kitchen and bathroom though). He just said he was sure that his standards would eventually get me down. He was equally sure that any nagging on my part would eventually irritate him. So I suppose we've just thrown money at a potential issue. He sold his car to pay for the first two years of having a cleaner who also ironed. It was that important to him!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/05/2014 12:41

Aspiring
Your DH sounds like a vile selfish lazy arse.

Ask yourself, what sort of person lets the person they "love" struggle with an unfair burden let alone criticises them for being less than perfect.

Do you feel like an equal partner?

ocelot41 · 31/05/2014 12:46

What Chaz said.

That said, I genuinely think that some men do not notice what needs to be done unless this is forcibly pointed out to them. So it not always a case of thinking ' that's her job' more NOT thinking 'hmmm a and b clearly need doing and DW has done x y and z this am so it really is my turn to step up.'

Thumbwitch · 31/05/2014 13:47

OK, I think I see now what duckie is driving at.

I have a friend here who is an absolute martyr to her "man" - she does all the housework, she does all the paperwork and accounts for the business, she does most of the cooking, she does all the work with the children (3 girls) - he is a selfish lazy prick at home, but "a good provider". When she got depressed over her DD3's health problems, he got fucked off because she was becoming a drag and asking him to help out more - he said she needed help (ADs), not him doing anything useful in the home. He actually fucked off for a while and left her as a complete mess! Other friends and I rallied round and told her to tell him where to go - but she didn't, because to her, keeping "her man" happy was the most important thing, and if that meant her going on ADs, putting up and shutting up, and carrying on regardless then that was what she was going to do. And did. And is still doing.
And this is the example she has set her 3 DDs - be a doormat to your selfish arse of a man, just to keep him. :(

Thumbwitch · 31/05/2014 13:48

Good job she doesn't have any sons, really...

calmet · 31/05/2014 14:08

Aspiring - People are so wrong to make you feel guilty. You are doing too much. Your DH should be stepping up and doing his share. He is an adult, not your master.

calmet · 31/05/2014 14:11

Thumbwitch - She sounds like my SIL. And although it is difficult to watch, women behave like that because they have been taught that hanging onto their Husband is the most important thing in the world. You see it in relationships section too. An OP will describe an awful situation where her DP is treating her like absolute shit. And still there will be some advising her hwo she can manage to put up with it better, or implying it is her fault because he is like that. She is the victim.

rookiemater · 31/05/2014 14:27

I agree with ormirian - why the heck am I as a woman, getting blamed for all of this.

I do my best and rather than spend all my days arguing and being in an aggravated state, it's just easier to get on and do stuff. To be fair to DH he does the garden and most of the paper work. On other stuff he genuinely has lower standards than even I do i.e. he thinks that once a month is frequent enough to change sheets.

Thumbwitch · 31/05/2014 14:31

Jeez, Aspiring, what in fuck do you have to feel guilty about?! and how is your H "hard done to" - he barely lifts a finger! Shock
You want to stop listening to those knobbers who think you're not doing enough - do you live in a different country/ culture set up or something, where the man is King and woman is his slave?

Igggi · 31/05/2014 14:59

Well I am just back from shopping and dh is napping with the poorly baby. I asked him to stick a wash on while I was out - it's in the machine but I can see it hadn't washed yet - you have to push the start button repeatedly to make it go. I stay near the machine till I hear it make it's first noise - he clearly did not.
So, am I enabling him when I say he is rubbish at doing laundry? It's not an impossibly high standard is it, to actually wash the washing?

mathanxiety · 31/05/2014 16:59

Who exactly is it that judges women about the state of their homes?

It can't be men since most of them apparently don't know the difference between a living room and a pigsty...

(Ormirian, yes, I can't understand the pov of the OP either)

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