to really not understand why some working mothers

[Duckierub]

still pick up the lions share of the house work and childcare.

I have friends who work same/similar hours to their partners but seem to still pick up the lions share of the house work and childcare.

I wonder what message this sends out to the next generation?

AIBU to think that when the working day is over, whether you are a SAHM or work out the house and whatever the gender, the household duties should then be shared.

I do the majority of the housework for various reasons. OH just doesnt care whether the floors are filthy or the bedsheets havent been washed in a fortnight, whereas I do! He will wash up but, setting myself up for a flaming here, he doesnt do it properly, at least not to my standards. I expect to be able to get a glass out of the cupboard or cutlery without having to re-rinse them to remove dried on suds and remnants of food. Total princess me! rolls eyes its more pleasant for me to do it properly, in half the time and without covering one side of the kitchen saturated.

I refuse to do his washing (something which horrified his mother) so rather than 'do it like a normal person' he uses the dining room as his floordrobe. Clothes get worn, chucked on the floor, washed, tumble dried (has not used the maiden in 9 years) and eventually mingled up with the dirty clothes on the floor. He's a scruffy git but he choose's to be that way. Somehow he manages to look presentable!

I enjoy being in a clean, organised house so whilst he sits for hours watching the Giro d'Italia ive been sorting out my laundry, steam cleaning the bathroom and Zofloraing every surface I can find! Now im on here and he's cooking my tea. Sometimes I get extremely narked but on the whole its not something that bothers me.

Igggi I know what you mean with the head in hands, sometimes you think 'just a little bit common sense'. But no not grand designs, just a fixer upper, Got my 3 bed house for £60,000 so you can imagine the condition, both kitchen and bathroom are original 60's, he had to remove the asbestos when we replaced the fireplace and every day off he has some form of DIY to do, My car is a 13 year old banger that needs something done everyday, I'm just back from the farm and the exhausts hanging off and the spare tyres on because I had to haul it out a sunken field with the tractor. Theres no way I physically change the two fron tyres on it, my car weighs 1.6 tonnes unladen (which it hasn't been since the day I got it)

MNers are kind of obsessed about housework & tending to be house proud, I think there is an inherent accepted sexism in the MN bragfests about how often folk clean. You wouldn't get those recurring discussions on male-dominated websites.

I work OHM and DH is a WAHD; although we have similar workloads, he does most of all the domestic chores. Maybe because I'm a lazy cow & he was raised by a house-proud SAHM; I don't feel ashamed of it, either. My mother worked & always had a housekeeper or regular cleaner, I just don't care that much behind a basic hygiene minimum.

ps: I change the wheels on my car for summer/winter.

Of course you can change the tyres on your car yourself. My 12 yr old could change the tyres - the jack takes the weight of the vehicle, not you.

With regard to the washing machine not being switched on, I would point out to my husband that it had not switched on and show him that it hadn't so that it did not happen again - my children can do washing, so a grown man surely can.

The cutlery not being washed properly? Put it all back in the sink and say it's not good enough, you don't want to use dirty cutlery.

It's really not difficult to lay down ground rules and agree on minimum levels - there is no way I would martyr myself at the alter of my husband and kids when they are perfectly able. I have a busy life just like them, it only works if you work as a team imo.

*altar, not alter (sorry )

Sometimes you have talked about the cutlery (or toilet seat or whatever) a million times though..
I have just realised myself that having criticised him for the washing machine incident, I myself have put a load in the tumble dryer and left it for several hours without turning the bloody thing on!
Is it wine o'clock yet?

scarlett but then I have read threads on here crucifying someone because she criticises her OH because he doesnt do housework up to her standard. General consensus seemed to be 'if you dont like it do it your bloody self'!

I dont cook to the same standards as my OH, yet was he to stand over me and tell me to do it again that would, quite rightly, be viewed as ridiculous and maybe bullying behaviour.
I probably be more angry if I was doing all the cooking too but as it is he prepares the majority of meals.

Mswibble, I tend to have what most would think is an ott approach though if I'm honest. For example I would pile all the things that have been left lying around the house in the middle of the hall rather than tidy up after everyone else (even though it is probably way more effort on my part to do that).

Everybody does what works for them in the end though, we're all different with different tolerance levels and priorities.

Haha - I dumped all of OHs floordrobe into a bin bag two weeks ago. He still hasnt sorted it out but at least I dont have to look at it! Its like living with Stig of the Dump, though thankfully his redeeming qualities shine through his scruffiness!

mswibble awesome answer to the floordrobe!! wish I'd have thought of that before, What did yours say or do? has it changed him or has he even noticed? dh learned the hard way on that one, most of our dogs are kennelled but we let one bitch sleep in the house and she loves picking up his dirty clothes and sleeping with them in her bed/ chewing them up so he cant leave them anymore or he looses them to her.

HolidayCriminal you change your tyres twice a year then, I'm on my 4th set of all terrains since November and I busted out my suspension yesterday and ripped the manifold off at one end so that needs welding and even with a trolleyjack I don't have the physical upper body strength to lift a car that weighs nearly two tonnes or massive all terrain 18's. He has assured me though that he is off on Tuesday and till then I have custody of the works hilux (yus!!!)

Lanabelle
He was ever so slightly peeved when he saw it but now I actually think he views it as an improvement to the floordrobe system. At least everything is contained now!

mswibble awesome. Hopefully he hasn't began creating a new 'floordrobe' since your disposal of his last one.

A few strays in the bedroom to be added to the new 'bagdrobe' but thats all! Now if only I could get him to realise that a wardrobe is just a bigger, rectangular, roomier version of the 'bagdrobe' and I'll have cracked it!!

YANBU. In most cases I wouldn't say it was from choice though. Either they do it or it doesn't get done

My theory on this is that every mother should ensure that her sons as well as her daughters do household chores as they grow up. Too many of my friends do everything for their sons. All I can ever think is that I pity their future wives.

Why don't they just refuse to either do the housework or to also do paid work then? I wouldn't be doing both.

Ok jellybeans, so no money to pay bills and a filthy house. Lovely, mind you, could stop worrying about house work once you're homeless.

Point is why would you allow it in the first place? If both work then both should do 50/50 or whatever is agreed.

Because things need done. You get home from work you're tired and hungry. If I don't cook dc and I will end up going to bee hungry, I tried it once. To cook I need to wash the dishes and clean the cooker. I need to wash dry and iron or ill be in trouble for not being presentable at work and I risk Ss being called about dc. They would then find the house a mess. I can't risk that.

9 times out of 10 the house is in a worse state than when I left it. I'm drowning I it so if Ss knock my door any time soon I fear I'd be in big trouble.

NEWSFLASH
OH has just learnt that glasses arent really that fragile and can withstand not only hot water but washing up liquid and a scourer!

He 'did the washing up for me' this morning - yep thats right, all cutlery, crockery, etc along with all cleaning implements belong to moi - yet when I went to put it away the glasses were covered in bits of lemon from last nights G&Ts!

Felt like an utter bitch but I did ask him to wash them again as they were filthy. He starts by swirling them out under the cold tap, bit of swooshing with his hands ... and thats it, went to put them back on the drainer!!! He genuinely seemed suprised when I told him to use hot water, washing up liquid and a scourer! Apparently he thought you never used WUL on glassware and they would crack if he had used anything but cold water!

Trying not to think about all the bacteria potentially lingering on all our glasses over the last 9 years.

If a household needs certain things done to keep it running smoothly, like money to py bills, food cooked on the table, a car that works, then cleaning and keeping things tidy is just another thing.

If you failed to pay bills, things would rapidly go downhill, so you do it for the well being of the household. The same should go for the cleaning. Or the bill to pay the cleaner depending on your circumstances.

Leaving stuff lying around is just disrespectful of the household and the other people in it.

They may enjoy doing the lions share and if they don't more fool them for putting up with it.
When we first met dh used to drop things and leave them, he soon got out of the habit when he found he lived in a shit tip and nobody else was going to do it for him.
He wasn't raised by his dm though and had always lived like this, nobody had educated him differently.
Now he is more house proud than me and regularly gets on a mission to do the whole house.

I don't think this is a gender issue at all. I think it's a selfish person issue!

Who would let their DP do a disproportionate amount of work around the house while they sat there reading or watching tv?

My DH and I both work full time. We've looked at how we can reduce domestic stuff for both of us (dishwasher, tumble drier, cooking double portions so half can be frozen etc). He leaves for work later than I do so he deals with breakfast. I get in earlier everyday so I deal with dinner. He is a teacher so does a couple of hours work at home each evening. I might spend a couple of hours sorting washing/mending clothes/making sandwiches for tomorrow's lunchboxes. Next year when I am doing a post grad qualification linked to my job I imagine we'll have to adjust because I will probably also be doing a couple of hours of work each evening. He does pretty much all of the DIY on top, but I will deal with day to day admin (bills, renewing insurance, sorting car tax, signing leters for school). We both know if we don't do our fair share, our family doesn't function.

My point is, it doesn't matter who does what so long as both partners are contributing fairly equally and one partner doesn't feel taken for a ride. I would suggest that if a partner was content to let thier OH do the vast majority of the housework with no trade off then they are likely to be quite a selfish person and lack of housework might not be the biggest problem in their relationship! Selfishness is not constricted to one gender.

I do think it is important to be realistic though. We're both on the same page in terms of "clean enough, tidy enough". If one of us had an expectation that the doorstep needed to be scrubbed and the doorknobs polished on a weekly basis, I think the other one would be within their rights to say "do you dear? Well you do that - I'll be in the park with the kids".

I have a friend who has been a SAHM for a long time, kids now a bit older so looking for a job (although they can just manage on one salary). However it soon became apparent that her other half had no intention of helping around the house if she did get a job so she stopped looking. can't blame her for this. I am a SAHM/student and if/when I get a paid job the DH will have to do more house stuff. No way am I doing more than my share (unless illness etc)!!!