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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to really not understand why some working mothers

162 replies

Duckierub · 31/05/2014 05:31

still pick up the lions share of the house work and childcare.

I have friends who work same/similar hours to their partners but seem to still pick up the lions share of the house work and childcare.

I wonder what message this sends out to the next generation?

AIBU to think that when the working day is over, whether you are a SAHM or work out the house and whatever the gender, the household duties should then be shared.

OP posts:

weatherall · 31/05/2014 08:34

I think one of the reasons is that women are. judged on the cleanliness of their homes whereas men aren't.

The home is still seen as the woman's domain. She will be congratulated/criticised by others according to it's condition.

Men don't feel this pressure.

mrsminiverscharlady · 31/05/2014 08:45

The attitude that men can't or shouldn't do equal amounts of housework or childcare is very deeply ingrained in our society IMO. My mum, who pushed me academically and wanted and expected me to do brilliantly in my career, told me just before I got married that I would ruin my relationship if I expected my dh to 'help me' with housework so much after we were married. She still feels sorry for him and says he's 'very good', the implication being that I'm a lazy arse.

revolutionarytoad · 31/05/2014 09:28

I have no idea.

Shows like Everybody loves Raymond and stories on MN about lazy husbands came as a bit of a shock. My parents shared everything- their roles were/are never ever defined by their gender. He worked hard outside and then came home and shared in the childcare/cleaning/cooking and everything else.

Fairylea · 31/05/2014 09:37

I've just remembered an example of how useless my ex was with the housework... He once changed the beds and put all the duvet covers on inside out (I kid you not) because when he removed them from the beds that's how they came off. He washed them and then put them back on again like that. He didn't see the point of worrying about what side the pattern was on. Sigh.

Another example... (this time from my mum actually) she would regularly mis match socks up together in little balls because it doesn't bother her whether they are odd or not. I'm not talking about 2 different black socks - I mean literally a red and a green one or two different patterned ones.

Maybe I just have high standards but those kind of things make me want to do everything myself otherwise I'd end up doing it again anyway (and they wouldn't even care or notice it had been done again, wouldn't even register).

Lanabelle · 31/05/2014 09:40

I do work, but nowhere near as much as DH and I do all the housework (apart from ironing - which is a sin as far as I am concerned) but seriously would not leave dh to do any of the rest. Ladies he's a keeper:

After taking a load out the washing machine (which he put in on the wash) there was none of that nice fresh smell you get when you take the clothes out - just soggy wetness. So I asked him how much powder he put in and he said "powder?" yes he has never ever washed his clothes in the machine with washing powder.

I bought flash floor cleaner on Friday and it was gone by Sunday - he used it neat to mop the kitchen floor.

He didn't know the hoover needed the bag changed to went and bought a new one because the old one wasn't picking up and he was trying to do me a favour.

He was trying to get the grass stains out the kids clothes so he put them all in a heap in the bath and covered them in neat toilet bleach - clothes finished up holeyer than the Vatican.

I think if these full time working mums were maybe to let their husbands loose on their house I cant help but think they would have double the work when they finished

SquallyShowers · 31/05/2014 09:44

It is depressing, though, isnt it?

Grown men who cant use a washing machine! I just cannot imagine being attracted to someone so pathetic and childlike.

TSSDNCOP · 31/05/2014 09:45

We share it.

MIL I love you. No child of hers didn't help around the home whilst she worked.

tinkerbellvspredator · 31/05/2014 09:45

Men need to be SAHD for a while I reckon 3 months minimum a year if possible. Assuming they're not lost causes this gives them the lead role in the home.it didn't make DH want to clean but he did take on laundry, a lot of the 'remembering' duties and of course we are now of equal status when parenting.

Also I have never taken on responsibility for his parents. No idea when his mum's birthday is for example he sorts out all their presents and cards.

Gennz · 31/05/2014 09:47

Don't tar all men with the same brush Lana I can't imagine my husband making those mistakes as a 16 year old, let lone at 36.

Retropear · 31/05/2014 09:47

See it's this generalising boys/men are stupid,not great round the house that causes half of this.

My dp has always done 50/50 when we both worked,now I don't it's 80/20 him and he does it all just fine(better and more thorough than me I suspect).

I am suspecting a lot of this angst is due to women who find it hard to delegate and when they do find things not to their high standards.There is more to life than perfectly washed floors.If you're going to nitpick and criticise don't moan when partners just bail out completely- do it yourself(without whining).

Retropear · 31/05/2014 09:51

My boys at 10 can already load a washing machine,separate and know the machine needs powder. It's not rocket science.

Original poster

Duckierub · 31/05/2014 09:51

retropear

I totally agree

OP posts:

Helpys · 31/05/2014 09:54

I know what Duckie means.
If the woman picks up the work then it's not a problem. Most men aren't going to notice that the toddlers has been collected from nursery via the dry cleaning, supermarket, supper's been cooked and a wash put on.
Whereas he'd notice if it hasn't
So the onus is on the partner picking up the extra work to stop doing it.
It's requiring a change in behaviour from the woman not the man.

Lanabelle · 31/05/2014 09:56

Haha, nah, I love it. He might be useless at all household chores but I never have to plaster or paint, tile walls or do any of the joinery work around the house. Never have to call a workman either and though I can do my own mechanics on my car I never have to dirty my hands changing brakepads, welding, electrics or dropping out engines or anything so it works out fair in the end. I just have to wait longer to get that stuff done because his time off is limited. And hes drop dead gorgeous whilst hes doing it even if he does swear one day hes going to scrap my baby when I'm not looking

BeCool · 31/05/2014 09:57

I'm having a problem getting past the woman blaming tone of the OP, so I'll refrain from commenting further, expect to suggest to Duckie that the tone of your OP and the issues you are trying to express are intricately linked.

Original poster

Duckierub · 31/05/2014 09:57

"I think if these full time working mums were maybe to let their husbands loose on their house I cant help but think they would have double the work when they finished"

OP posts:

Original poster

Duckierub · 31/05/2014 09:59

Becool

SOME woman. Did you read my example?

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 31/05/2014 10:06

Lanabelle - I seriously hope you're referring to your car when you say "my baby"...

Lanabelle · 31/05/2014 10:09

What I meant Duckie was for example if I let DH loose doing the housework I would have to go behind him and do it all over again. So in the end its easier for me just to do it, he tries his best when I am ill etc but hes just not built for it.

He doesn't 'get' it, he thinks a quick going over with the hoovers ok rather than sweep and mop the flooring but put something electrical or mechanical in front of him though and hes off explaining how the engineering of the condenser tumbledryer we have now differs from the last one (with the worm thingy) we had before and blah blah blah. He is an awesome cook though, maybe a little too good.

I think we fit perfectly, I don't want to have to do any of those DIY, Mechanical, plumbing, joinery, DIY type jobs - I don't even cut the grass but I don't want to pay someone to do it either, He doesn't want to do any of the dishes, washing, hovering, sweeping, mopping etc but he doesn't want a cleaner either if you know what I mean

BeCool · 31/05/2014 10:10

yes I did

Retropear · 31/05/2014 10:11

I only do a daily quick Hoover.

Sweep and mopping is a once a week(or fortnight) event which dp does just fine.

BeCool · 31/05/2014 10:11

hes just not built for it
oh please!
He's laughing at you on the inside though!

Lottiedoubtie · 31/05/2014 10:12

Some men aren't twats and don't blame women for their own failings around the house.

Some women aren't twats and don't believe women are primarily responsible for training men to help around the home.

It is not the 'fault' of women that they typically do more. It is the direct result of living in a patriarchal society that has influenced family behaviour for 100s of years. It's unhelpful to place the entire burden of fixing this onto the shoulders of the most oppressed group.

Both sexes must be held accountable and try to change if anyone is to succeed.

Lanabelle · 31/05/2014 10:13

Thumbwich yes my car is my baby (or one of them) though you wouldn't know it to look it at, its a banged up 13 year old turbo diesel 4x4 that's got more miles on the clock than Katie price and tows over 2 tonnes but I love it dearly. His Honda is big and sleek and shiny and clean and superfast but give me my manky chuggabug anyday

Thumbwitch · 31/05/2014 10:18

Phew!

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