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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to keep my 18 month old out late for MILs 60th bday

247 replies

misslaughalot · 28/05/2014 13:03

DD is 18 months old. Her bedtime routine normally starts with a bath at 6pm and she is usually in her cot dropping off to sleep by 6.45pm.

Next week (on a weekday) is MIL's 60th birthday. At the weekend we received a text from DP's sister saying she was organising a meal at a pub not too far away (about 15 min drive) for her birthday and could we make it. She'll be booking a table for 7pm.

Am I wrong in thinking that by the time we all get there (DP's brother and family aren't the most punctual), order food, eat, have dessert, coffee etc it'll be 9.30 at the earliest by the time we leave? Meaning DD won't be down to sleep until at least 10pm.

I said to DP that DD and I wouldn't go (we've missed birthday meals for the same reason before recently) but once we replied saying it would just be DP going we then received messages asking why we couldn't keep her up a bit longer for once, it won't hurt her etc. I know I'm quite precious about keeping to her routine, but she thrives on it and generally is a good sleeper because of it.

We will be going round to see MIL on her birthday after I finish work, and will stay until they leave for the meal (so a little bit past her bedtime anyway) but I know that if I try to keep her up until 10 she'll be grouchy and grumpy and nobody wants to be eating at a pub with a grizzly child. I'll also be the one to bear the brunt of it during the night if she can't sleep properly. Plus I have to get her up at her usual time the next morning for nursery, so it's not like she'll have a chance to catch up with a lie in.

So, AIBU or not?

OP posts:
restandpeace · 28/05/2014 22:07

Agree saucy

Original poster
misslaughalot · 28/05/2014 22:08

Ok, it's really not an issue between me and MIL. As I said up thread I may well see if my friend is free to babysit and go myself, the issue is keeping DD up. My one and only reason for thinking that MIL is more bothered about DD going than me is that when we responded to say it would be DP going alone the response wasn't 'can't you get a babysitter?' it was 'can't DD stay up?'. That's it, no big deal, honestly!

We are already planning to do the afternoon with MIL as I said in my original post, so we're not snubbing her birthday or anything.

Thanks for all your replies, whether you agreed with me or not, it's been very interesting to hear all opinions!

OP posts:
slithytove · 28/05/2014 22:09

I've been to pubs in England (Lymm) which didn't allow kids after 7, even babes in arms. They did food as well, I was shocked.

KeepingUpAnon · 28/05/2014 22:11

I would go.

If you don't give a child the chance to be flexible, they never will be.

What's the worst that can happen? Go, and if it's a nightmare then leave.

slithytove · 28/05/2014 22:13

A bit unfair to OP and the other diners though?

PurplePidjin · 28/05/2014 22:15

It wouldn't hurt some children

Mine (also 18m) would spend the entire evening howling with distress. He may or may not fall asleep in the car on the way home and transfer to his cot still asleep. He would then be awake multiple times during the night also howling with distress, wake early, and spend the next day being whiny, clingy, unable to occupy himself, and generally miserable - the complete opposite of his normal self.

Only the OP knows whether her child will cope with a one off late night, but there is no way on this planet I'd be doing that to mine. The family should trust her and her OH's judgement!

IPreferCats · 28/05/2014 22:19

YANBU

I have 3yo DTs and I wouldn't take them. I don't honestly understand what an 18 mo will gain from going. She won't know she's missed anything.

Let your baby go to bed at her normal time. There are plenty of years ahead for family occasions and staying up late when it will affect her less. I think it's rather selfish to take her - it certainly wouldn't be for her benefit.

bunnysmummy · 28/05/2014 22:19

I have an 18 month old and would not expect her to leave the house at bedtime. She'd be tired and cranky. No one, in mine or my dh's family would expect either of our children to stay out that late passed bedtime.

Cuddlydragon · 28/05/2014 22:20

Nope YANBU. I wouldn't do it. My DS isn't much older and is in a great sleep routine and would be bloody miserable not sleeping when he needs to go to bed. I wouldn't worry too much either about offending family who expected otherwise.

JammyGeorge · 28/05/2014 22:25

I thought of a babysitter Mary thanks but DH is insisting he'll deal with him and sit in the room if necessary as it's my family do. It's a bit of an unwritten rule I stay sober and look after kids if it's his family and vice versa.

I suppose that's a big difference at my aunts party I was on my own as DH was working away.

YellowYoYoYam · 28/05/2014 22:26

She's your DD and you know her best. I could easily keep my 19mo DD up until 10pm - she would be a hysterical, demanding, emotional mess, but I could do it! Grin

I always find it strange on these threads that people forget that children are all different. I would have been delighted if DD had slept peacefully in her buggy while we were out. How lovely it would have been - we could have stayed in hotels and gone out for dinner, stayed late at friends houses, went for walks on a nice summer evening. Well we tried, and those outings are not so fun with an exhausted, crying, grumpy baby tugging at the cover and kicking off her blankets. We could definitely do it with 4mo DS, but that is of no use to us as we've still got to get his big sister to a bed! We've done nothing different with him, he's just a different person.

I guess you weigh up if the tears and tantrums are worth it for one night - I would say it's not. Shame MIL will be disappointed, but it's just part of her DG's character and I'm sure she loves her as she is.

QuintessentiallyQS · 28/05/2014 22:29

Yanbu.

If MIL wants toddler present at her birthday dinner, she has it earlier. Otherwise she can see her grandchild another day.

Get a babysitter and go enjoy your evening out!

AnneElliott · 28/05/2014 22:43

YANBU. Why take her in a buggy people if she'll sleep and no-one can interact with her? She might as well be at home!

DS would have been a pain at that age. We had the pressure from mil, but I told DH that he was welcome to take him alone, as I was not prepared to eat a cold dinner and walk round with a screaming toddler, pissing off all other diners! DH went off the idea once he realised that he'd be doing the workGrin

kinkymouse · 28/05/2014 22:52

Yanbu. Mil had issues with me declining invites later that 7 with dd1 as I knew she would be miserable and frankly awful to be around, she would never, ever sleep in her buggy. Four years later dd2 would sleep on a washing line, dd1 was a sociable four year old and evening invites up to around 9.40/10 were accepted, enjoyed and were mostly stress free. SIL children would and still do party happily until the early hours. Babies and children are individuals and as a mum you know your child best, don't be pressured into something that actually will make the whole party more stressful for everyone there.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 28/05/2014 22:53

On a mobile so sorry, I haven't read the whole thread.
Any pub near me wants kids out by 7pm for licensing reasons. Get a babysitter! Have a lovely evening!

kinkymouse · 28/05/2014 22:57

Sorry for those who haven't read the thread, the Mil want the GD there more that her DIL.

Also Her DD won't slept in a buggy.

gamescompendium · 28/05/2014 22:58

Get a babysitter but check with the pub to see if they don't allow children after a certain time, it's no longer the law (except between midnight and 5am) but pubs are allowed to set their own restrictions and many have kept the historic timings. That would give you a ready made excuse. Obviously if they do allow kids you don't tell your ILs.

PicaK · 28/05/2014 23:00

Bowlersarm - just seen your comment. I didn't mean you, sorry (you're responding to someone asking your opinion) but to the SIL who responds to their texts about what they prefer to do (not take dd) with pleas and criticisms.

Apologies if offence caused. Thanks

Thumbwitch · 29/05/2014 01:17

Another one here who has been caught out by the "no children" rule - they weren't allowed INSIDE the pub, but could be outside in the beer garden. Fine if it's nice weather, not so good if not! And in the evening, quite chilly.

LizLimone · 29/05/2014 01:50

Totally ridiculous to expect an 18 month old to stay up until 9-10pm in a pub with people drinking etc. Do people really think this is normal? If someone came on here with a reverse thread asking 'AIBU to think a pub at 10 at night is no place for a cranky tired toddler?' they'd get resounding support.

If your family wanted your DD at a 60th birthday celebration then they should do something kid-friendly e.g. barbecue in the garden or family lunch etc.

What a silly idea dragging a tired toddler out to the pub in her pajamas to sleep in her buggy.

BrianTheMole · 29/05/2014 02:04

I used to be like you op, stuck to our rigid routine. My sil wanted us to go out and I refused. She pointed out that the whole family would be there and would help. So I thought, fuck it, we'll go then. And when ds cried I passed him to her Grin. In fairness the whole family did help and it was a good night, it really was. Wouldn't think twice about keeping dc up now if something was going on. Will your family help with this? Group effort and all that?

EverythingCounts · 29/05/2014 02:12

Don't see why your toddler is expected to be there on cue like a performing seal for something she won't understand or enjoy. If you are bringing her round earlier in the day then MIL is just being selfish. Plus it will make the meal less enjoyable for everyone at the restaurant. Be the sensible person here and say a firm no. MIL is acting like a toddler herself.

Bedtime1 · 29/05/2014 04:20

Could you not ask for the time of the meal to be brought forward so that you can all go. Say 5pm or failing that say 6pm and then go for a bit. In our family meals are often Earlier to accommodate those with children, so that they can then go to the meals.

Maybe ask your husband to see if he can change times?

FengMa · 29/05/2014 04:40

I agree with LizLemone and EverythingCounts. YANBU. (Even if you were - you're not - but even if you were, you're her Mum. End of argument).

Mondayschild78 · 29/05/2014 04:56

YANBU. There is no way I would have done this with DS at 18 months old. I did it on holiday when he was 9 months old fine as he slept in his pushchair. I would do it now he's 2.5 as one late night he could cope with now. But at 18 months absolutely no way.

You mentioned DD is at nursery. Could one of the nursery staff babysit if you are struggling to find a babysitter?

Oh and YANBU.

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