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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to keep my 18 month old out late for MILs 60th bday

247 replies

misslaughalot · 28/05/2014 13:03

DD is 18 months old. Her bedtime routine normally starts with a bath at 6pm and she is usually in her cot dropping off to sleep by 6.45pm.

Next week (on a weekday) is MIL's 60th birthday. At the weekend we received a text from DP's sister saying she was organising a meal at a pub not too far away (about 15 min drive) for her birthday and could we make it. She'll be booking a table for 7pm.

Am I wrong in thinking that by the time we all get there (DP's brother and family aren't the most punctual), order food, eat, have dessert, coffee etc it'll be 9.30 at the earliest by the time we leave? Meaning DD won't be down to sleep until at least 10pm.

I said to DP that DD and I wouldn't go (we've missed birthday meals for the same reason before recently) but once we replied saying it would just be DP going we then received messages asking why we couldn't keep her up a bit longer for once, it won't hurt her etc. I know I'm quite precious about keeping to her routine, but she thrives on it and generally is a good sleeper because of it.

We will be going round to see MIL on her birthday after I finish work, and will stay until they leave for the meal (so a little bit past her bedtime anyway) but I know that if I try to keep her up until 10 she'll be grouchy and grumpy and nobody wants to be eating at a pub with a grizzly child. I'll also be the one to bear the brunt of it during the night if she can't sleep properly. Plus I have to get her up at her usual time the next morning for nursery, so it's not like she'll have a chance to catch up with a lie in.

So, AIBU or not?

OP posts:
Poosnu · 28/05/2014 20:03

YANBU. Either get a babysitter or just send DH. If your DD won't sleep in a pushchair then bringing her will be no fun for anyone.

Maybe you could all go round to visit her another day and have a nice lunch / afternoon tea instead?

Icimoi · 28/05/2014 20:10

YABU. You've admitted upthread that there was an occasion when dd was up late being babysat by your MIL, so your MIL and the rest of the family know perfectly well that you are prepared to disturb her routine when it's something you want to do. You can't therefore start saying her routine can't be disturbed when it comes to celebrating MIL's special birthday.

Monopolice · 28/05/2014 20:11

Thanks I wouldn't want to be sitting on a table next to a grotty 18 month old (no offence OP) at 10pm.

Do the afternoon thing, go home and have a quiet evening.

If your DP is so keen to take her, and MIL isn't bothered about you being there - let him take her and see how it goes Wink Perhaps if everyone realises that they might have to take some responsibility and be the one pushing the buggy round the car park while their dinner gets cold, and then have to eat it one handed while holding wriggling screaming child instead of you that they might rethink whether you are being PFB or not.

erin99 · 28/05/2014 20:34

I would have said YANBU except we did it with a very routiney 2 year old, in exactly the same circs - my mum's 60th, and only because we felt very pressured into it. We had a 10 week old too and were shattered from newborn days. To my astonishment it was fine. Good, even.

Original poster
misslaughalot · 28/05/2014 20:43

Icimoi but on that occasion we were trying to keep to her routine, it just didn't work as she wouldn't fall asleep in her buggy. And getting her to bed that evening was difficult and we had a grouchy baby for two days after. It was our first venture into trying to be more flexible with her in the evening, getting her to sleep somewhere else for a couple of hours before transferring home and it was not a success.

DP isn't keen on taking DD as he knows what will most likely happen and doesn't want to go through it. He's happy to go on his own.

OP posts:
funnyossity · 28/05/2014 20:48

Get your DP to explain that to his mum.

MollyWhuppie · 28/05/2014 20:49

I would take her and if she becomes a pain, make your excuses and leave. Give her a late nap if possible.

My DCs have always had pretty rigid bedtimes when young, but for something like this I would at least give it a try. You never know your daughter may surprise you and be ok until 9/10pm

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/05/2014 21:00

Why can't you do something in the afternoon then, OP? You, your husband, your child - and MIL? Wouldn't that appease her need to see her granddaughter on her birthday - and still fit in with your routine?

If your husband isn't keen on DD staying out late either then you have no argument and it's a non-issue, isn't it? Let your husband explain it to his mother and either you or he make some plans for a nice afternoon whatever with your MIL.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2014 21:02

"Plenty of people aren't prepared to give their children's needs the priority they should have."

And plenty of parents want to be a total martyr to the child's needs at the detriment of anyone else. One evening. For family.

Look OP you clearly don't want to go. Stay at home with your DD and let your DH go and have a good time eh?

cowsarescary · 28/05/2014 21:12

LyingWitch - the OP has proposed just that.

I feel for you OP. My ds was easy peasy, but my dd ... even a visit from Grandma would have her up all night. A visit to Grandma (ie, for a day) would mean several nights of no sleep.

drinkingtea · 28/05/2014 21:14

Bitout wouldn't it be more martyrish to go, knowing it is going to be a difficult evening of trying to keep toddler from ruining everyone else's evening, eating cold food one handed and walking tbe car park, followed by a long, restless night and difficult next day, in order to produce trophy grandchild at MIL's dinner? A peaceful evening at home is delightfully non-martyrish by comparison, surely Hmm

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2014 21:17

The OP had decided right from the get go that she didn't want to go. That she wouldn't go. That her MiL wasn't bothered if she was there. And she's also decided that her DC will struggle, even though I suspect she's probably noy tried it before. She is determined not to go and determined that her DC will be a nightmare. All suggestions are met with a "no!"

That's why I said "OP you clearly don't want to go. Stay at home with your DD and let your DH go and have a good time eh?" to save everyone the grief

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/05/2014 21:20

Did she Cows? Apologies, then OP, I didn't see that - my 'OP colour' has gone since password reset.

drinkingtea · 28/05/2014 21:24

You said putting the needs of a child first was martyrish though Bit, when in fact its the people suggesting she suck up the inconvenience who are telling her to martyr herself to other people's wishes.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2014 21:32

No I didn't "Drinking* I said that "plenty of" people do. In answer to the poster who said that "plenty of" people don't put their DC first.

I just think theOP doesn't want to go. She's using her DC as an excuse. There are plenty of ways to get round it / go for just a little while but she doesn't want to. As is her perogative. So don't go. She belivesher MiL won't care anyway, which I think is the actual problem. Not the DC's sleeping patterns

monkeycat · 28/05/2014 21:35

Something else to consider is whether or not your DD will actually be allowed in a pub at that time of night .

Our local (which does family friendly meals and has a kids play area) isn't licenced to have kids after 8pm.

Might just be a scottish thing but probably worth chacking.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2014 21:39

monkey that's a Scottish thing. It caught me out when I took the kids to Edinburgh last year - never had it in England

RiverTam · 28/05/2014 21:42

if it was round at MIL's house I'd say give it a go, but as it's in a pub I would say don't do it - why should other diners/drinkers have to put up with an overtired baby in the evening - I say this as you seem certain she won't sleep in her buggy.

JammyGeorge · 28/05/2014 21:43

Sorry not read the whole thread but I took my 18 month old to my aunts surprise 60th birthday which started at 7 thinking he'll be ok. I lasted until 9 and it was hell on earth. He was shattered, crying, whinging, wanting to be picked up then twisting to be put down. It truly was horrendous.

I gave up at 9 and took him home and cried most of the way I was so stressed out and upset by it. All the other kids were running about having fun and my mother was full of it. Can he not just sleep in the pushchair? Well as I've just spent 30 mins pushing him round the streets obviously not. All the other kids are ok? Well good for them, they are all 3+ as well which makes a massive difference.

It's my brothers wedding at the weekend and I'm dreading it. He's a lovely boy but needs his sleep.

I do think though it depends on the child, DS1 at 14 months would lie asleep in a pushchair while we had a meal on holiday and not flinch regardless of noise etc. DS2 no way!

Even though I had a bad experience id go make the effort and if they are too chewed up come home, nothing lost and they can see you've made the effort.

MaryWestmacott · 28/05/2014 21:51

Monkey - although down here it's not a legal licencing thing, a lot of "pubs that do nice food" places have 'no children after 8pm' policies - even the daytime childfriendly ones with ever so nice child menus and offering half portions of all their main menu types. Normally, I'd say worth checking, but under the circumstances, the only question seems to be do you pay for a babysitter and go with DH or not go and look after DD yourself.

In our family, DCs being at home with a babysitter might get grumbling, but ok, but a wife not joining her husband at a family meal would raise eyebrows. For a 60th, even if your MIL doesn't think it's a big deal if you are there, you should be part of the main adults of the family. I'd go, but aware I have a few childcare options that you might not do.

GoogleyEyes · 28/05/2014 21:53

YANBU

Some kids can deal with late nights / snooze happily in their buggy / go to sleep as soon as you eventually put them in their cot and wake up happy.

Some kids can't, and I think it's unpleasant for them and everyone else in the pub to try and make them. It's not pfb, it's just acknowledging that children are different.

MaryWestmacott · 28/05/2014 21:54

JammyGeorge - is your DB's wedding at a hotel and will you be staying over? If so, can you book a babysitter to come to the roomand look after your DC2 one you've got him down for the night at hte normal time? Your mum might complain, but if he's been there for the daytime, you can smile and say if she wants to look after DS2 all night, take him to her room to settle and deal with him the next day, fine, if not, she should accept you are going to do what works for everyone, not just her.

MaryWestmacott · 28/05/2014 21:58

oh and while you might be able to teach a non-flexible child to be flexible (ha!), it's not acceptable to use a public restaurant to do that. A family party in a private room/someone's house where the only people who's evening is being ruined by a screaming child is one thing, but it's so antisocial to try to train a child you know can't sleep in the buggy and needs to sleep at 7pm, to stay up late in a public place.

If you wanted to try (and really, dont!) you could try keeping her up in the evenings at home a couple of nights this week. See if it's doable.

miffybun73 · 28/05/2014 21:59

YABU, it's a one off.

SaucyJack · 28/05/2014 22:05

Your DC should be tucked up in bed not sitting watching a bunch of boring adultsveat. There is nothing in this for your DD other than discomfort.

Depending on the child- this is utter rubbish.

My DD1 would have thought all her Christmasses had come at once if she'd been taken to the pub to sit on Nanny's lap and eat chips instead of being made to go to bed- even at that age.