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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have taken ds's prize off him for bad behaviour?

446 replies

Hangingwiththeraisingirls · 27/05/2014 18:27

Not sure if we were too harsh or not harsh enough!
Ds is 4, nearly 5, and we are away on holiday atm. We've been to a theme park today and there was a magic / entertainment show for the children.

The man started by saying he'd got a balloon animal to give at the end to the child he saw watching nicely and taking part the best. It was a lovely one, a big dinosaur made of quite a lot of balloons. Ds's eyes lit up and he sat all the way through, shouting out when told to, doing the actions etc.
The entertainer chose several children to take part. He teased these children, telling them they had stinky feet, were ugly, smelt like socks etc.
ds thought this hilarious.

At the end the entertainer chose ds for the balloon dinosaur. Ds leapt up on stage thrilled, had his picture taken and then unfortunately said to the entertainer 'you smell too, you smell like poo' he said it about twice before dh managed to get to him and tell him to stop it! Dh then gave the balloon back to the entertainer telling ds he had been too naughty for it and dragged off a wailing ds. He also has taken away half his holiday pocket money (£5) and told him he now won't be able to buy the dinosaur set he had his eye on.

I'm not sure if this was ott. Ds was rude but I think he was trying to play along and at 4 is unfortunately obsessed with poo.
Otoh ds needs to learn what's appropriate and what's not and both dh and I were mortified.

Were we unreasonable? It did spoil the day tbh.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 27/05/2014 19:08

What you're not grasping is that the entertainer had set the tone and made that sort of teasing acceptable. That's how child logic works. He said it - he's a grown up and in charge - it must be ok. So your son, massively overhyped during an exciting day, followed what had been set as the norm.

And then gets big with a ridiculously swingeing punishment.

Have you or your husband bothered to talk calmly to your son about this, and why he said what he did?

I'm saying this as someone who is red hot on manners with my two and a half year old. But no way in hell was the punishment in any way proportionate. You publicly humiliated him and deprived him of two treats.

The decent, sensible, good parenting thing to do would be for the pair of you to set your son a good example of how to admit fault, name the emotions you felt, and rescind part of the punishment. There is nothing more useless than an adult who cannot gracefully admit when they are wrong,

JellyBelly10 · 27/05/2014 19:08

Feel very sad for your child. He did what was expected of him, got a prize for doing it, and then had the maturity to sort of understand comedy and join in with banter and you shamed the living daylights out of him!!! So awful. he will remember this way into adulthood! Sad

CatThiefKeith · 27/05/2014 19:09

Where do you live op? I'm a kids entertainer and would be happy to make him another dinosaur if you are nearby. I don't imagine balloon animals travel well in the post though.

JassyRadlett · 27/05/2014 19:09

Big = hit. And I'm suggesting you and your husband aim to raise a child who can admit when he's in the wrong, and make appropriate amends.

SanityClause · 27/05/2014 19:10

Why shouldn't he answer when an adult "teases " him. If the adult can't take it, don't dish it out.

You should be pleased you have a child that can stand up for himself. Please don't try to break his spirit!

TheFairyCaravan · 27/05/2014 19:10

You've mentioned that your DH was 'livid' and 'seething'!Hmm. I would say he is the one with the problem, not your little boy.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 27/05/2014 19:10

OTT I think. I would have been a bit embarrassed too but surely a "DS that's not a nice thing to say to someone" would have sufficed? Possibly an apology but that could send mixed messages as presumably the magician didn't apologise to anyone.

As for taking some of his pocket money off him... why? I can sort of understand the "you've been rude you don't deserve the balloon" (not something I would have done) but the pocket money too? I think you should give that back.

Poor kid is on holiday and do you really want him to remember it for this mountain being made out of a molehill?

HavannaSlife · 27/05/2014 19:10

Your husband was seething at a 4 year old who doesn't understand that it was okay for an entertainer to make that type of comment but not him?

You should tell him to get a grip of himself

AnyoneforTurps · 27/05/2014 19:11

He tends to stick to stuff once he's said it

Everybody screws up, especially in the heat of the moment when embarrassed. Though I do think you over-reacted, I can understand that you were both stressed by having the whole room watching you. We all have triggers that make us over-react.

More of a worry to me is if you & DH are unable to accept - and apologise for - your mistakes. What kind of example is that for your DS?

If your DH is unable to admit he has made a mistake, I'd say he is far more immature than your DS.

thebodylovesspring · 27/05/2014 19:11

All right he's not traumatised for life here ffs.

Op way way ott. Go tell him not to say those things even if adults do and them give him all the stuff back and crack open a bottle.

Ffs you and your dh need to chill, he's 4, you have years if this.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 27/05/2014 19:12

Learning what's acceptable takes years and years -- decades, even. There are subtle shadings of age and position and situation and occasion and who knows what else. The errors he's making are very mild (4yo humour is pretty broad and random anyway, and largely concerned with bottoms; distinguishing "gentle" teasing from other teasing is fairly complex social stuff) yet you're coming down on him like a ton of bricks and probably leaving him bewildered.

Treaclepot · 27/05/2014 19:13

Poor kid. Your DH sounds like a controlling arse.

thebodylovesspring · 27/05/2014 19:13

And as a mum of grown up lads please don't allow your dh to seem livid and seething in front of your boy.

Boys copy dad and you won't want your lovely ds to turn into a teenager who looses control do easily.

He may end up seething and livid at you.

drivingmisslazy · 27/05/2014 19:15

YABU Way over the top.

A quiet word would of done it, not multiple punishments.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 27/05/2014 19:15

Too harsh. I also have an all at 4 year old. Obsessed with poo. In the vast majority of scenarios, your boy's behaviour would have been very rude.

However, in this scenario, it was in keeping with the spirit of the entertainment and your DH was obscenely Ott.

Original poster
Hangingwiththeraisingirls · 27/05/2014 19:17

I did call him back at the playground and try to get him to play with me but he gravitates towards playing with men. I think probably because dh works away a lot and ds misses him because he hardly sees him.

The trouble is adults don't expect a 4 year old to speak to them like that when they've been just pulling their leg a bit.
The fact he is so confident is a blessing and a curse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hangingwiththeraisingirls · 27/05/2014 19:18

Dh wouldn't speak to ds for about fifteen minutes 'until he'd calmed down'

OP posts:
zensational · 27/05/2014 19:19

If the entertainer can't take it, he shouldn't give it out.

Your DH needed to explain to DS that although the entertainer was allowed, inexplicably, to be rude to people, he wasn't, although he could see where the misunderstanding occurred.

zensational · 27/05/2014 19:20

"just been pulling his leg a bit"

They both said the same thing.

WilsonFrickett · 27/05/2014 19:21

Your DH needs to get a fucking grip, tbh.

He doesn't need to look far to see where DS is getting his 'over the top' behaviour from either.

pigsDOfly · 27/05/2014 19:21

Not really sure why you asked if UWBU OP as you don't seem to be taking in anything anyone is saying to you. You're DH's reaction cannot be justified. It was way ott.

You're little boy won't forget this and he won't understand what he's done wrong, because really he hasn't done anything wrong, he just got a bit carried away.

If you and your DH don't ease up on him and stop expecting unrealistic behaviour from him you're going to make his and your lives very hard over the next 15 years or so.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/05/2014 19:21

OP, I think you and DH should give your son back his stuff and apologise. Tell DS that you were shocked to hear him say what he said and that it sounded quite rude, but that you now understand that that's not what happened, although in future a "thank you" would be enough.

Your DS didn't do anything wrong. You and your DH over reacted because you were too concerned with what people would think of you rather than actually parenting your child in that situation.

HavannaSlife · 27/05/2014 19:22

The problem is your husband, children don't need punishing for every little mistake, they need teaching.

I very much doubt this is the first time a small child has taken things a little too far in response to this entertainer

MrsBrianODriscoll · 27/05/2014 19:22

A MN first, we all agree. Shock

You have a child and a manchild, there is hope for one of them.

Your DH sounds like a vile controlling person.

Four, he is only four. Sad

Still only about another 12 years before he can leave home.

Poor we mite. Sad

And how surrendered are you, that you didn't even say, I am sure he didn't mean Daddy etc.,

Fullpleatherjacket · 27/05/2014 19:22

The entertainer sounds like a bit of an arse TBH. Way to give a child a complex telling it it's ugly Hmm

But back to the main point, yes I think it was mean to punish your ds so harshly. I'd have been rolling my eyes at your dh's behaviour had I been there. A quiet word back at your table on smiling and saying thank you nicely in future would have been more appropriate.