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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have taken ds's prize off him for bad behaviour?

446 replies

Hangingwiththeraisingirls · 27/05/2014 18:27

Not sure if we were too harsh or not harsh enough!
Ds is 4, nearly 5, and we are away on holiday atm. We've been to a theme park today and there was a magic / entertainment show for the children.

The man started by saying he'd got a balloon animal to give at the end to the child he saw watching nicely and taking part the best. It was a lovely one, a big dinosaur made of quite a lot of balloons. Ds's eyes lit up and he sat all the way through, shouting out when told to, doing the actions etc.
The entertainer chose several children to take part. He teased these children, telling them they had stinky feet, were ugly, smelt like socks etc.
ds thought this hilarious.

At the end the entertainer chose ds for the balloon dinosaur. Ds leapt up on stage thrilled, had his picture taken and then unfortunately said to the entertainer 'you smell too, you smell like poo' he said it about twice before dh managed to get to him and tell him to stop it! Dh then gave the balloon back to the entertainer telling ds he had been too naughty for it and dragged off a wailing ds. He also has taken away half his holiday pocket money (£5) and told him he now won't be able to buy the dinosaur set he had his eye on.

I'm not sure if this was ott. Ds was rude but I think he was trying to play along and at 4 is unfortunately obsessed with poo.
Otoh ds needs to learn what's appropriate and what's not and both dh and I were mortified.

Were we unreasonable? It did spoil the day tbh.

OP posts:
bungmean · 28/05/2014 20:29

Christ almighty.

Your husband is going to do serious damage to your son. Not physically (I hope), but emotionally. This will mould his entire life.

It sounds like your husband's hatchet job on you is already well and truly underway, and you can't see it.

I'm a man, and even I'm thinking LTB.

RiverTam · 28/05/2014 20:29

maybe you and your DS should walk away. Or at least start making plans to.

I'm not saying that lightly. Just with every single post he sounds worse and worse. Do you really want your DS mirroring his behaviour, because he will, you know.

justmuddlingalong · 28/05/2014 20:33

Does your husband control family finances, along with everything else?

Original poster
Hangingwiththeraisingirls · 28/05/2014 20:34

Yep.

OP posts:
starlight1234 · 28/05/2014 20:35

I am curious why you posted this in the first place? You have had the answer yes YWVU...So what next?

justmuddlingalong · 28/05/2014 20:36

OK. That's not a problem that can't be overcome. Do you want to stay with him?

Atbeckandcall · 28/05/2014 20:40

All joking aside OP I can see this is more than just a ill judged punishment for bad behaviour thread.

Deep breath hanging.

One way or another this has got to be resolved for the sake of your son. Just because his dad can shout louder (metaphorically speaking by could be true literally) doesn't mean that he can't be told he's wrong.

Unless.......well that's for you to answer really, and to be honest I can't think of a decent excuse never mind reason.

Your son won't thank you for it in the long run. May end up resenting you.

Hand holding time I think.

MrsChickPea · 28/05/2014 20:54

Hanging... the question is do you love and respect your DH? Do you want to stay with him?
I'm a mum of one DS. I'm a SAHM out of choice and lucky that I can remain that way forever if I want. My DH works very long hours and has a good job. DH doesn't see DS at all at least half of the working week - perhaps 2-3 hours spread over a few evenings - it's always been this way and I don't want/expect any different. But DH is always around at weekends - he doesn't take himself off to football etc - he spends 100% of his time with DS at the weekend and loves it! They both do! The difference is me and my DH chat. He catches up with me on what's been happening with DS, what DS has been doing, if anything has upset him and what DS has been talking about. DH might not spend as much time with DS as I do, but he sure knows what's going on and how to deal with it. I ask you again... are YOU happy?

shil0846 · 28/05/2014 20:57

OP, you have the best behaved child at the theme park. You should both be really proud of him.

He's only 4, and it sounds like he was joining in without realising he was being rude. He's probably really confused. Please give him back his pocket money, apologise and get him a nice treat instead of the balloon.

Original poster
Hangingwiththeraisingirls · 28/05/2014 21:00

No I'm not happy.

Dh is a sociopath IMO. I tiptoe around him a lot of the time. Sometimes he's completely reasonable other times totally unreasonable and you never know which reaction you'll get or why.

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 28/05/2014 21:02

Do you want to leave him?

RiverTam · 28/05/2014 21:02

call Women's Aid. Start a thread in Relationships, lots of good advice there from women who've been through the same. Say to yourself, no matter how long it takes, you will get out and make a new life for yourself and your DS.

Do you have any money at all? Child benefit even?

Original poster
Hangingwiththeraisingirls · 28/05/2014 21:03

We lost our child benefit.

OP posts:
Atbeckandcall · 28/05/2014 21:06

That's not a good foundation for a decent relationship Hanging. It explains a lot of your earlier posts in this thread.

I think you need to ask yourself some very serious questions.

Do you love him?
Do you want to even try to make it work?
And I suppose the a very important, is this what is best for your son?

RiverTam · 28/05/2014 21:06

so do you have any money at all? Income, savings, anything? Do you even get housekeeping from your H?

Family who can help (financially or with a place to stay)?

slithytove · 28/05/2014 21:07

Hanging, your last post says it all.

You deserve to be happy. And so does your DS. Do you want him growing up feeling the way you do?

DS is only 5, I assume you are still in the prime of life too - you both have far too many years left to live unhappy with a controlling abuser.

You will find endless support you need here, but do you have any RL support?

MrsChickPea · 28/05/2014 21:07

We also lost our Child Benefit. We didn't need it really. Some families REALLY need it and that's where the money should be going. Your DH needs to be fairer with is earnings. Does he give you any money to do as you please with?

slithytove · 28/05/2014 21:08

Hanging, the thread has moved on so much now, I would consider starting a new one in relationships and maybe linking it, otherwise there will still be new posters responding to your OP.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2014 21:11

I said way way back that your DH was a bully and that he is bullying you as well as your DS.

He sounds awful. Just so awful. An abusive controlling horrible bully

You have a choice about whether to stay with him. Your DS does not. His destiny lies in your hands.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2014 21:13

MrsChickPea I so strongly disagree. This thread is an exact representation of why CB should still be paid to mothers, no matter what their partner earns. Because many fathers are financially abusive and TBH I'd rather pay it to all than leave a woman like the OP with nothing at all.

But taht's another thread for another day.

perfectstorm · 28/05/2014 21:18

At 4, a child copies adults in trying to be appropriate, because they're still working out what that means and how to be it, and we are their template. He saw the grownup tease kids, who were presumably being nice and well-behaved, and get a huge laugh from the audience, and so when he went on stage he tried the same thing. Because he is little, and that's what they do.

Am I right in thinking your husband is the one who went on about how it's much more embarrassing when people think your child is 7, by any chance, and you trotted that out because you're in the habit of assuming his statements are reasonable? Because shredding your very small son's confidence in front of a big audience, while removing a longed-for prize and then taking pocket money says to me that your H was hitting out from bruised ego and feeling shown up - not trying to teach his son anything.

Unimpressed, OP. Very, very unimpressed. And I think you may want to post on Relationships aobout this man if he has treated you and your kids this way on any other occasion.

perfectstorm · 28/05/2014 21:20

Just saw your most recent posts.

Seriously, please post on Relationships. You'llget moral support and excellent practical advice there. You don't have to stay with someone who is sociopathic to you and the kids. Really, you don't. Access the help you need - please.

MrsChickPea · 28/05/2014 21:21

BitOutOfPractice... yes I understand what you mean. I really do. But in our case, I saved every penny of our DS Child Benefit, and it's now in a bank account for him in my name. I understand though, that if my life went wrong, I'd have that money to sort myself out with. I guess I'm coming from the angle that my life is going OK and I have no crisis. Apologies if offended.

mrsruffallo · 28/05/2014 21:24

You're worrying more what people think that about your son. He was just being spirited, copying the entertainer.

I wouldn't have done anything, he is on holiday.

Misfitless · 28/05/2014 21:27

Too many posts, so have only read first page.

Complete over reaction on a massive scale. I feel sorry for your DS. It's not his fault he looks like a 7 year old, and besides, there would be plenty of 7 year olds who would have the same thing.

I'd be interested to know how the entertainer handled it. I bet he was mortified on your DS's behalf, and probably not in the least offended anyway, but I'm just guessing.

Your DS would have felt humiliated in front of the whole audience.

We're all guilty of over reacting, but I think DH's behaviour was much worse than your son's, tbh.

Blimey! Just read my post back - it's incredibly judgey. Sorry about that, but I do feel quite strongly!