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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have taken ds's prize off him for bad behaviour?

446 replies

Hangingwiththeraisingirls · 27/05/2014 18:27

Not sure if we were too harsh or not harsh enough!
Ds is 4, nearly 5, and we are away on holiday atm. We've been to a theme park today and there was a magic / entertainment show for the children.

The man started by saying he'd got a balloon animal to give at the end to the child he saw watching nicely and taking part the best. It was a lovely one, a big dinosaur made of quite a lot of balloons. Ds's eyes lit up and he sat all the way through, shouting out when told to, doing the actions etc.
The entertainer chose several children to take part. He teased these children, telling them they had stinky feet, were ugly, smelt like socks etc.
ds thought this hilarious.

At the end the entertainer chose ds for the balloon dinosaur. Ds leapt up on stage thrilled, had his picture taken and then unfortunately said to the entertainer 'you smell too, you smell like poo' he said it about twice before dh managed to get to him and tell him to stop it! Dh then gave the balloon back to the entertainer telling ds he had been too naughty for it and dragged off a wailing ds. He also has taken away half his holiday pocket money (£5) and told him he now won't be able to buy the dinosaur set he had his eye on.

I'm not sure if this was ott. Ds was rude but I think he was trying to play along and at 4 is unfortunately obsessed with poo.
Otoh ds needs to learn what's appropriate and what's not and both dh and I were mortified.

Were we unreasonable? It did spoil the day tbh.

OP posts:
goshhhhhh · 28/05/2014 07:54

I'm sorry Goblin - I disagree. Both parents should apologise. I have lots of times to my kids & I wouldn't say they are perfect but I can rely on them in public (they are older than 4) & they know they are loved. Hangings DS is probably confused - I suspect it is or will become to be I know I am loved if....
Hanging - your son sounds lovely at the moment however elemends you describe sound like my dn. She picked up her behaviour from her dsd. Whilst, for instance sarcastic behaviour is acceptable in an adult it. Is not nice in a child. However you can't tell a child to stop something if you as a parent do it. The aspects of his behaviour you don't like I would look at what you or dh are doing.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/05/2014 08:00

Sanity What would be the point in anything else,she does not agree that DS sounds like a normally behaved child or that he did nothing wrong or that its not ok for her to stand by and support her DH in acting like a arsehole.

She just thinks he was a little harsh.

They are both so concerned about image that they haven't noticed most people are thinking they are the ones with a problem and the image being portrayed is what a pair of nasty gits.

Aspiringhuman · 28/05/2014 08:17

OP when I was 4 I still had some self confidence. However I then had it drummed into me that people could say what they liked about me but I must never answer back no matter what and I must take on board what they said. I must never interrupt anyone or disturb them under any circumstances, I must never try and make friends with anyone as they won't like it, I must never try and join in anything as it's intruding.

The result: I have zero self confidence now. When someone insults me I go home and punish myself because I had it drummed into me that they must really mean it if they had to say it and it's my fault they said it. It has become so ingrained I cannot stand up for myself. I try and avoid going out so I don't intrude, I have no friends. If people are blocking a door way or shelf the very thought of saying excuse me induces a panic attack so I wait for ages or go without.

OP is this what you want for your son? When I read your OP it took me right back to my childhood. It is still salvageable for you it only does long term damage when repeated over and over again. Please listen to people on this thread, it should be explained to him why it was wrong, calmly and encouraged to say please and thank you etc but you've gone about this entirely the wrong way.

Roussette · 28/05/2014 08:25

Well... the thing is, the OP posted in the first place asking if the punishment was too harsh, or not harsh enough. Firstly, that tells me she knows something is wrong. Secondly, that tells me her DH wanted to go further with the punishment.

I just don't understand why the OP can't back down and as a PP said 'rip her DH a new one'. I know I would. Of course it is joint parentlng but even when my DH has been too irritable with them, too shouty, too bombastic, or whatever, my mummy protective instincts kick in big time and I speak to him privately (without the DC hearing) and tell him to lay off of them, to wind his neck in, to shut the f**k up and let me deal with it because he only sees a bit of them and I know the big picture and I know why one of them is upset and he can't pile in throwing his weight about. He accepts it (just!) and we then present a united front.

It sounds to me as if the OP is never going to challenge her DH, she has admitted as much, and that is very very sad and very worrying.

Roussette · 28/05/2014 08:27

Aspiring - an unmumsnetty hug for you. (())

onetiredmummy · 28/05/2014 08:27

How are you feeling this morning OP?

onetiredmummy · 28/05/2014 08:34

Just a thought, the people saying why not rip her DH a new one & things along those lines...

In order to challenge your DH & rip him a new one you have to have a relationship based on normal relationship rules. Many of us have a relationship where we can do that, me included & we would simply not tolerate that behaviour towards the child.

However if your relationship includes a large dose of fear/intimidation/punishment tactics/emotional abuse that has been going on for so long its become the new normal, then I imagine its very difficult if not impossible to stand up to the man who represents the fear/intimidation/punishment due to reprisals on both yourself & your son. This will also be your fault for making him so angry of course!

This may not be the case, but I'm not sure we have heard the last of the DH & his anger issues.

SanityClause · 28/05/2014 09:04

I agree onetiredmummy, it is very unlikely that the OP is in a position to "rip her DH a new one".

She still need to realise that she needs to be protecting her son, though, however she goes about doing that.

RiverTam · 28/05/2014 09:09

agree with the posters above. My mum never protected us from my dad's hair-trigger temper and I will never forgive or forget that. Thinking back, my dad was quite misanthropic, he couldn't cope with people (or children) much at all. He calmed down as he got older but he was a bloody minded bugger when we were children and I never saw anything that suggested that my mum wasn't colluding with him - and neither of them ever apologised. I've got a bit of his temper but DH steps in and pulls me up if I'm getting too worked up, and I always apologise to DD.

Don't be that mum, OP.

Roussette · 28/05/2014 09:11

I agree with the previous few posts. That's what it should be like - confronting each other if one of you has gone too far. That's normal and shared parenting. Not the case if one parent won't take issue with something they feel/know is wrong.

Bunnyjo · 28/05/2014 09:57

OP - I was agog at reading this. On this one incident your DS comes across as a typical 4-year-old, but your DH comes across as a horrid and nasty bully.

Surely after 15 pages of pretty unanimous YABUs you can see just how disproportionate the punishment was? And that's leaving aside whether or not what your son did was even 'punishable' in the first instance!

Your DS mimicked the entertainer; the entertainer who was getting rapturous laughs for saying the same thing. Yet, your DS gets punished not once, but at least 3 times for the same thing - not having the balloon toy, having £5 of his OWN money (gifted to him by grandparents, not pocket money) removed and being ignored by his 'D'F for 15 minutes because he was seething! Your poor DS must be completely confused, I feel so, so sorry for him Sad

I think you posted here because you realise how bad this was. My question is what are you going to do about it now your realisations have been validated? I fear, from your subsequent posts, that you're too afraid to do the right thing and pull your DH up on his completely unreasonable behaviour. Why is that, why are you scared?

Hopefully this is an isolated incident; that your DH realises he was unreasonable and apologises to your DS - it is important for children to learn that sometimes adults get it wrong too and, when we do, we apologise.

However, if this incident isn't in isolation, I hope it is your light bulb moment...

thebodylovesspring · 28/05/2014 10:04

He's a bully op. He's wrong. He doesn't think he is or he doesn't care.

It's up to you if you want to live with a bully or want your child bullied.

Please think about it. Is it an isolated incident or is he generally like this?

sashh · 28/05/2014 11:16

Your poor little boy.

He hears someone say something and everyone laughs and then he tries to do the same to make people laugh and happy and then he is punished for it.

He earned that dinosaur. He deserved it.

You d should have said to the entertainer, 'sorry, he's only 4 and copies what people say, he has not learned when it isn't appropriate'

Then you could have talked to your son about not saying things to adults.

The money was given to HIM not you. What purpose does taking it away serve? It teaches your child that if any adult wants to they can take things away from him.

What do you want to do, completely crush your child so he is scared to say/do anything?

crossbag · 28/05/2014 11:31

We don't know that he's a lovely little boy. He sounds like a very cheeky little boy to me who needs to learn boundaries. I don't find 4 year olds trying to take part in banter either funny or cute, just rude and cocky. He needs bringing down a peg or two for sure.

Having said that, I do think that the punishment in this case was far too harsh. A good talking to would have sufficed.

justmuddlingalong · 28/05/2014 11:38

Bring a 4 year old down a peg or two? Now there's a sentence you don't hear...ever!

Atbeckandcall · 28/05/2014 11:39

He needs taking down a peg or two for sure ShockShockShockShockShockShockShock

He's on holiday, it's his birthday in a few days, he was rewarded with a prize for being well behaved by a man that said some people smelled as a part of his entertainment routine.

I think it sounds like the little boy has a great sense of humour that was used at exactly the right time with the appropriate person.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2014 11:42

What your DS did was perfectly normal 4yo behaviour

Your DH's recation was not normal. His rage, not speaking to you, refusing to back down. He sounds like a bully. And you add into the mix that he hardly sees his DS anyway and I am aghast that you would think that your DH's bahviour was OK. He must be used to getting you to agree with him would be my guess

I feel really sad for your DS. And for you too tbh OP

CatsCantTwerk · 28/05/2014 11:49

I feel so sorry for your poor little boy :(

FunkyBoldRibena · 28/05/2014 11:54

What's most worrying is that you had any notion that you were not being harsh enough

From the first line of your OP Not sure if we were too harsh or not harsh enough

You guys took him to an entertainer that did this to the kids and he just responded in the same manner. Because that's what kids do.

I'm not sure how anyone can give you a reality check if not through this thread. You are both so so wrong here.

TheIronGnome · 28/05/2014 12:00

Oh wow! And I thought I was strict!! I don't even think it would cross my mind to be angry about something like that! Ds had sat so nicely through the whole show- it actually wasn't really your place to take the prize away!

He hadn't been up on stage yet so probably was at bursting point having sat so well and wanting to be a part of the show so much, I don't blame him at all for wanting to join in! Any age child who was attempting innocently to 'join in' I would expect to be fine behaving like that.

Hulababy · 28/05/2014 12:01

Cross bags. He is 4. He'd just been rewarded for being so well behaved. He reacted in stage in the same manner as the entertainer had just been doing - he was copying what he had just seen and what everyone had been laughing at. How, at 4, should be know that it was okay for the entertainer to do it but not for him?

As for taking down a peg or two!!!! Awful.

Hulababy · 28/05/2014 12:02

We do know that he had been a lovely little boy. He'd just earned a prize from the entertainer for being just that!

MrsCakesPremonition · 28/05/2014 12:07

Your DH needs a fucking wake up call and, if I were you, all my rage and embarrassment would be directed at my DH for treating my DS so appallingly in public.

The entertainer will be used to the "humour" of 4 year olds, it will have been like water off a ducks back.

Your DH, however, went out of his way to upset and humiliate a very young child. I think your DH needs some very clear boundaries about what is (and isn't) appropriate behaviour around his DS.

AberdeenAngusina · 28/05/2014 12:46

How do you think the entertainer and the audience felt, OP? The entertainer spent time getting the kids happy, excited and laughing. The audience enjoyed it. Then, at the point everyone was supposed to leave the show smiling, your DH "dragged off a wailing DS." How to spoil it for everyone.

You are right to be mortified at what happened, but you should be mortified with your DH, not your DS.

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp · 28/05/2014 12:50

I feel so so sad and sorry for your smashing little boy. His behaviour was entirely normal for that age (and a few more years on, my just turned 8 old and ALL his friends 7/8/9 just love to make "jokes" about poo, bums and wee with each other, but are learning now when this is and isn't suitable, they are almost DOUBLE your sons age!! That's a lot of learning in that time!)

You and your DH have totally unrealistic expectations of age appropriate behaviour but your DH adds into the mix nasty, bullying and extreme reactions, I too would have been judging his behaviour far more than your DS if I had been there. DH model of behaviour to your Ds is horrible.

If you can return to this thread and read it through, OP, I hope you can take some support and strength from it. I think you reached out to check if your and DH reactions were in the normal zone because I suspect you are starting to have doubts about your parenting, I really hope this can be a turning point. For your little boys sake. He is 4. Not a mini adult in smaller clothes. Help him don't destroy him, please.