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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have taken ds's prize off him for bad behaviour?

446 replies

Hangingwiththeraisingirls · 27/05/2014 18:27

Not sure if we were too harsh or not harsh enough!
Ds is 4, nearly 5, and we are away on holiday atm. We've been to a theme park today and there was a magic / entertainment show for the children.

The man started by saying he'd got a balloon animal to give at the end to the child he saw watching nicely and taking part the best. It was a lovely one, a big dinosaur made of quite a lot of balloons. Ds's eyes lit up and he sat all the way through, shouting out when told to, doing the actions etc.
The entertainer chose several children to take part. He teased these children, telling them they had stinky feet, were ugly, smelt like socks etc.
ds thought this hilarious.

At the end the entertainer chose ds for the balloon dinosaur. Ds leapt up on stage thrilled, had his picture taken and then unfortunately said to the entertainer 'you smell too, you smell like poo' he said it about twice before dh managed to get to him and tell him to stop it! Dh then gave the balloon back to the entertainer telling ds he had been too naughty for it and dragged off a wailing ds. He also has taken away half his holiday pocket money (£5) and told him he now won't be able to buy the dinosaur set he had his eye on.

I'm not sure if this was ott. Ds was rude but I think he was trying to play along and at 4 is unfortunately obsessed with poo.
Otoh ds needs to learn what's appropriate and what's not and both dh and I were mortified.

Were we unreasonable? It did spoil the day tbh.

OP posts:
MagicMojito · 28/05/2014 03:05

Im really sad op is not a troll :(

Your poor son. A controlling arse and bully of a father. And a mum who will gladly see him suffer so you don't upset your darling husband Angry

I really want to call you a pair of fucking cunts, but I won't as that may be seen by some as a personal attack

PrincessBabyCat · 28/05/2014 03:07

He teased these children, telling them they had stinky feet, were ugly, smelt like socks etc.

Don't dish it if you can't take it.

Your poor kid.

AgentZigzag · 28/05/2014 03:24

Sometimes you have to put yourself in the firing line to protect your DC, I would say this is one of those times.

Unless your DH has more control over you than he should, you can choose to pick him up on being too inflexible and harsh with your little lad. Not just about this situation because it sounds as though that's how he is all the time.

You should feel you have as much input as he does, you don't have to play it out in front of your DS, but if his behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable you have to talk to your DH about it.

Make him understand that you'll protect your DS if you think he has adult expectations of a 4 YO who hasn't got the capacity to understand. It's very worrying that he was so angry about what happened, is he always going to be able to contain that anger? At what point would you step in? How does he cope with your DS day to day without his head exploding?

Much better to do it now, how he decides to behave if you do is his responsibility, you have to be confident that you're doing the right thing and haven't 'made' him kick off (if that's how he reacts).

musicalendorphins2 · 28/05/2014 03:54

Poor ds. He was just caught up in the excitement of it it. The entertainer and all those watching must all have been shocked at your husbands over the top reaction. I am strict and would never allow a child to be disrespectful, but I also know how little kids act, and even if he WERE 7 instead of 4, I would have let this go.

musicalendorphins2 · 28/05/2014 04:01

Does your ds have to call his father husband Daddy Dearest?

Damnautocorrect · 28/05/2014 04:29

So what happens now you've said he can have it but daddy says no?
I do agree on sticking to stuff when you've said it but that's why I always try to think before threatening or carrying out a punishment. Only dish out what your willing to serve. Although in this case your poor boys been served and some!!!

Roshbegosh · 28/05/2014 05:52

Poor kid. You were cruel and if this is his childhood wait and see if he goes NC when he grows up. He will need to.

Coumarin · 28/05/2014 06:11

Your DH is a twat. HTH.

Coumarin · 28/05/2014 06:12

Seriously this has made me feel so sad. My heart genuinely sank when you said his Dad didn't speak to him for 15 minutes as he was so angry. I want to cry for the poor little mite.

Sad
Greyhound · 28/05/2014 06:17

I think you were ott and this post has actually really upset me :(

Your h was seething? Nasty - don't like the sound of him.

Coumarin · 28/05/2014 06:44

I've never done this before as I've never felt the need but I've had a look at your other posts Hanging and your 'D'H is a horrible man.

I'm sorry. I know it must be overwhelming to read all the negative feedback but you did ask. I think deep down you already knew what the answers would be but you were hoping that someone would back you up and ease the guilt.

It's not your DS. It's not you. It's your controlling, selfish, bully of a husband.

Coumarin · 28/05/2014 06:48

Please get some counselling. You shouldn't be feeling the way you are or be letting your H bully you and your son.

Thanks
Booboostoo · 28/05/2014 06:50

What a sad, sad thread.

It sounds like your DH has terrible self-esteem issues which he is taking out on your son. You need to grow a pair, face up to reality, protect your son and get your DH some help.

Why would anyone in their right mind object to a kid joining in nicely with a chase game in a playground? The mind boggles!

sunshinecity17 · 28/05/2014 07:14

why is everyone blaming her DH only? From her OP
' were we being too harsh'
'ds needs to learn what's appropriate and what's not and both dh and I were mortified'
' were we being unreasonable'

she fully aligns herself with her DHs actions.But as usually man-hating MN only picks up on the father!

HouseofEliot · 28/05/2014 07:20

Incredibly cruel behaviour to an innocent child.

katese11 · 28/05/2014 07:23

I get it OP. I have a ds almost exactly the same age and I get the feeling of embarrassment when they do something inappropriate (although in this case he was picking up a social cue). I do get it, and the moment that makes us act irrationally and want to punish them. But what matters is what happens next. Not more punishment and further treat - withholding. It should involve hugs and making it up to him. If I had a penny for every time I'd had to say "I'm sorry I shouted at you. I love you a lot and I just got a bit cross" then I'd be able to buy a dinosaur set! It's humiliating to have to admit you were wrong but I'm hoping it means ds learns that sometimes adults do things wrong but it doesn't mean they don't love him. Otherwise Yes, he may just remember the pain of the punishment.

GoblinLittleOwl · 28/05/2014 07:28

Your son probably thought he was being funny by imitating the entertainer, but it is so refreshing, and rare, to hear of parents who actually care about their child misbehaving in public and do something about it. I think taking away half his holiday money was too harsh and I hope you can construct some way of returning it to him; a reward for good behaviour perhaps? Have you sat down with him and explained why you were so upset by his behaviour, and that there are places where you use certain words, and places where you don't? Don't openly disagree with your husband about his reaction; parents united are far better at combating poor behaviour, and I think you will have a very well brought up son.

tumbletumble · 28/05/2014 07:31

sunshinecity but in later posts the OP has admitted she thinks the punishment was too harsh but her DH doesn't agree and won't back down.

SanityClause · 28/05/2014 07:34

Well, sunshinecity, because the OP was unsure of the reaction, and came on here for advice. She then realised they had been too harsh, and discussed it with her husband, who refused to back down.

She has realised they were wrong, but he refuses to admit it.

That's why.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 28/05/2014 07:35

My parents were good parents. Not perfect, but I know they loved me. However even now I am 35 and my Dad is 64, he is completely incapable of apologising for mistakes. He absolutely will not say sorry, and uses any excuse to make it someone else's fault (eg I had to miss a crucial dentist appointment because he had offered to babysit and then couldn't, and it was his wife's fault for not reminding him of the commitment he already had). This does NOT make me respect him more. Quite the reverse. It is the one aspect of his personality which drives me insane.

Your Ds is a human being. He doesn't have a right to have perfect parents. He DOES have a right to be respected enough to be apologised to when the people who are meant to love him best have hurt him.

I love my Dad because he's a good man with a flaw (inability to say sorry). I can overlook this because he is caring, fun, loving and generous to me and my kids. I hope your dh makes some positive memories in your son's mind to go alongside this crap one, otherwise you might find him not having a lot to do with his parents in a few short years' time.

Like others on this thread, I am a strict parent, and I pull my kids up on disrespectful behaviour. But literally everyone on this thread thinks you were too harsh. Please listen to us, for the sake of your family.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/05/2014 07:36

she fully aligns herself with her DHs actions.But as usually man-hating MN only picks up on the father!

Shed loads of posters have told her to stand up to him,several posters have told her it was wrong not one has said "it's ok dearie you just let him get on with it because your a ladiee"

Just because nobody has gone as far as saying "failure to protect" does not mean most of us are not sat here thinking they both have unreasonable expectations,no concept of normal age appropriate behaviour,set a shockingly bad example and need some intervention.

annielouise · 28/05/2014 07:36

I think your boy just joined in with the poo talk up on stage and to be honest as the entertainer was talking like this I don't think it that bad. All one of you had to do if you didn't like it was come on the stage and say come on now DS thank the man for the dinosaur balloon then say to him I know he was talking like that but it is a bit rude really, isn't it.

You're going to stifle this perfectly happy, lovely little boy. He will remember to his dying day (yes, dramatic much) that a prize he so wanted and worked hard to get was taken from him, plus money from his grandparents, plus his dad seething at him. You're trying to break this child and to be honest I've heard nothing that makes me think he's anything but a lively 4 year old - joining in the fun and chasing round with a kid and his dad that he doesn't know! Great that he is warm and knows how to have fun and joins in, all positive things. I've been many places and kids have joined in fun I've been having with my DS on a beach or wherever.

You and your husband need to learn to apologise when you get it wrong and you have this time. Bringing up kids is not the time to be so rigid and unflexible. Presumably your FIL was like this with your DH. Time to break this negative behaviour and learn a new one that works so that your son loves you both when he is older. My parents got it wrong. At times I have but one thing I did learn was to admit when i had got it wrong, to apologise prefusely to my DS when I did, to make amends and to break the behaviour. Hopefully DS will still love me when he's older because of this.

magpiegin · 28/05/2014 07:38

I feel hugely sad like other posters. I really hope that this morning you and your husband give your son a huge hug, say sorry and give back what was taken away (although he can't have the balloon dinosaur now).

I'm not sure you're listening OP but please take these comments on board. A holiday is a big thing for a 4 year old. Don't ruin it because your husband has a temper and you don't want to confront him to make your life easier.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/05/2014 07:39

Have you sat down with him and explained why you were so upset by his behaviour, and that there are places where you use certain words, and places where you don't?

So in an entertainment venue with an entertainer who is encouraging the use of such words in exactly the same context and making a joke of them, is not such a place?

SanityClause · 28/05/2014 07:45

Ive said similar to "failure to protect" a couple of times. Sock.

I've used the phrase, "using your DS as a human shield".

The OP really does need to realise that she is complicit in her H's actions, by not standing up for her DS, either at the time, or later.

Unfortunately, more and more people are just piling in and answering the OP, giving the same advice about apologising to the DS (which is good advice) without any consideration of where the OP should go from here, given that her H refuses to back down.