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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this mother needs to sort her issues out?

442 replies

FreckledLeopard · 27/05/2014 13:50

There is a girl in DD's class (they're all in Year 8, so aged 12/13). The girl is in DD's group of friends. She is a sweet girl.

This girl (I will call her Sophie for sake of anonymity) recently turned 13. Aside from taking some cakes into school, she had no party or any kind of celebration as the mother said she couldn't afford to. I should probably add here that the school they all attend is private, so the mother must pay some school fees (though could, of course, have a substantial bursary. I don't know).

The girl lives with her mother and brother. The father (parents are divorced) lives abroad and doesn't seem to see much of his children at all. The brother is 21 and lives at home.

I've met the mother on a couple of occasions and she is odd. Very odd. Very fussy, very nervy, can't make normal chit chat. She is also seemingly obsessively grateful if her daughter is invited to anything (and given the amount that 13 year old girls socialise, it's a bit odd that she's so gushing and grateful anytime her daughter is invited anywhere).

Anyway, DD and her friends thought that as Sophie hadn't had any kind of celebration, they'd arrange a sleepover this half-term, invite Sophie, and make it a little surprise party with cakes and gifts. DD checked that Sophie was free, all the friends have been planning the party (fancy dress, food, attendees, music, presents etc).

Then, DD hears from Sophie (who is very upset) - her mother has said Sophie can't come as Sophie's older brother is out that night and the mother won't stay at her house on her own. She is too scared. Let me point out that they live in suburbia of a normal town (not known for gangs, violence or anything to be scared of). I called the mother (at DD's request) to explain that the girls had organised this surprise party which is why they really wanted Sophie to come. The mother told me she was sorry but was too scared to be at home on her own, so her daughter couldn't come to the party.

Sophie is of course massively upset (she didn't know about the party, but obviously wanted to see her friends). DD is upset. The friends are upset. There are no other dates that can be organised for half term.

Now, I understand people might have anxiety of some kind. But this woman is basically turning her children into her carers. God knows what happens if either the older brother of Sophie want to go to university, or, God forbid, leave home.

I've just had a text from the mother confirming that Sophie can't come. I'm sitting on my hands to stop myself from typing back that she needs to sort out her issues and not make her children suffer as a result.

AIBU in thinking this is massively unfair on the kids and will royally fuck up their lives? I obviously can't do much about it other than fume. But honestly - surely the mother should seek some help rather than making her kids suffer?

OP posts:
Turniphead1 · 27/05/2014 13:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Fairylea · 27/05/2014 13:55

It's a little strange but having worked with women who are victims of domestic violence for example you have no idea what the background is. Perhaps she is frightened her ex will come round and wants someone else there to phone the police? Maybe she does genuinely have severe anxiety / mental health issues which she is seeking help for but needs reassurance?

I think it's more a shame no other dates could be arranged. Are you sure nothing else could be done or even a party that finishes in time to go home afterwards?

Pumpkinpositive · 27/05/2014 13:59

You don't know that she hasn't sought help or isn't currently receiving it.
It's a shame, no doubt, but probably not something the woman can help.

cerealqueen · 27/05/2014 14:00

Dont text her! You know nothing about her really. There could be a huge backstory, abusive ex, recently burgled, who knows.

Yes, it seems massively unfair on the daughter. Could you/ one of the mums invite this mum round for dinner / stay over as a one off?

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 27/05/2014 14:00

I suggested that instead of the sleepover, she picks up her daughter around 9pm. That's been vetoed.

There are no ex issues from what I can tell. He lives in another country and the kids see him occasionally in the holidays.

OP posts:
mommy2ash · 27/05/2014 14:01

i don't think it is as easy as just saying sort your issues out. obviously the situation is quite complex. i doubt any parent would want to have to keep their child at home. i feel quite sorry for both of them.

catsareeasier · 27/05/2014 14:02

Assuming the sleepover is at yours, could you invite the mum to stay too?

TheUnburnt · 27/05/2014 14:03

YANBU. Can the girls move the party to Sophie's house? Then her mum isn't alone, yet Sophie still gets her sleepover/surprise party. If not, I feel sorry for the poor girl as it's a massive responsibility to have on her shoulders. Although not knowing what the mum may have been through in the past it may be understandable.

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 27/05/2014 14:04

Sleepover isn't at ours, it's at their mutual friend who has a larger house (I think there were going to be six kids staying over).

The DD is allowed to sleepover so long as the brother is at home. It's the fact he's going out that means she's not allowed.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 27/05/2014 14:05

Yanbu, poor Sophie! Her mother is placing a lot of responsibility on her children because of her issues. Selfish on Sophie.

Fairylea · 27/05/2014 14:06

Well a difficult ex doesn't have to be the father.

As others have said she may be scared of being burgled if she has had prior experience. Or something like that.

Unfortunately you can't really say anything. Hopefully another opportunity will come up in time.

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse · 27/05/2014 14:07

Could the girls have the sleepover at 'Sophies' ??

MrsSheldonCooper1 · 27/05/2014 14:08

Yanbu. Poor Sophie. Why can't the mum accept the picking-up-at-9pm offer and take herself off to the cinema or something in the meantime??

shouldnthavesaid · 27/05/2014 14:09

Could you/would you feel able to contact the school? It depends how often this happens but if it's regularly then Sophie (and I presume big brother) are mum's carers, really, and will need some form of extra support with this. The school's pastoral care system should be able to help arrange this. Even if they can't do anything directly for the 21 year old they can hopefully do something for Sophie.

It won't fuck up their lives - I've been a carer to my mum/sister all my life - but it's bloody hard having an adult depend on you/your presence and at thirteen it's something she will need support with.

Of course I might be barking up wrong tree and maybe it isn't as bad but it sounds like it.

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 27/05/2014 14:09

Not sure if Sophie could have sleepover. I don't think she's ever had one before. It's not something that's been suggested and I can't really ask the mother to accommodate the kids. I could ask DD to suggest it to Sophie.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 27/05/2014 14:10

That is shit for Sophie, but I'm sure her mother doesn't want to feel the way she feels.

WhatsTheEffingPoint · 27/05/2014 14:10

Any chance of getting hold of the brother and explaining the situation?
Maybe he doesnt know this is what his mum does, maybe he will be able to talk her round.

GeneHuntsMistress · 27/05/2014 14:10

Could you invite her to have an evening with you and then stay over at yours while all the girls are on their sleepover? It would also allow you to get to know her a little better and perhaps be someone she can confide in?

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 27/05/2014 14:11

YABMASSIVELYU for this comment:
I'm sitting on my hands to stop myself from typing back that she needs to sort out her issues

However, can't you just change the date to one the brother can do? Or can't the host home invite the mother to stay in a separate room on the night of the sleepover?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 27/05/2014 14:12

Maybe if someone could contact the brother and explain, he might be able to change his plans.

Purpleroxy · 27/05/2014 14:12

Well yes poor Sophie, but poor mum as well.

Assuming this is anxiety or PTSD (xh could have been abusive, there could have been a violent burglary or any number of things), the poor woman cannot just "sort her issues out". They must pretty severe for her to panic like this. Loads of people don't like being home alone overnight but suck it up when it needs to happen. She clearly can't do this, which soon will be pretty serious if both her dc leave home.

In future, if Sophie is the guest of honour, it may be best to include her mother in the planning.

SaucyJack · 27/05/2014 14:13

Bless you for caring, but telling someone to "Sort their issues out" hasn't ever worked as a cure for mental illness before and it's unlikely to here.

Madamecastafiore · 27/05/2014 14:13

YABVVU this woman obviously has a mental health problem that can't just be sorted out.

Why not suggest the girls all going to Sophie's house.

Oh and for the record previous histories are not advertised, rape, domestic violence, violent robbery etc may cause this anxiety and you wouldn't know at all.

OfficerVanHalen · 27/05/2014 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 27/05/2014 14:14

My mum was like Sophie's mum from what you've described. I don't think anything you say will encourage Sophie's mum to let her go to the party. In fact if it was my mum, the more you pushed the more she would dig her heels in on the issue. Maybe her mum is getting help or maybe not, and I know know it's not fair for Sophie at all but I don't see that there is anything anyone can do.