To think this mother needs to sort her issues out?

[FreckledLeopard]

There is a girl in DD's class (they're all in Year 8, so aged 12/13). The girl is in DD's group of friends. She is a sweet girl.

This girl (I will call her Sophie for sake of anonymity) recently turned 13. Aside from taking some cakes into school, she had no party or any kind of celebration as the mother said she couldn't afford to. I should probably add here that the school they all attend is private, so the mother must pay some school fees (though could, of course, have a substantial bursary. I don't know).

The girl lives with her mother and brother. The father (parents are divorced) lives abroad and doesn't seem to see much of his children at all. The brother is 21 and lives at home.

I've met the mother on a couple of occasions and she is odd. Very odd. Very fussy, very nervy, can't make normal chit chat. She is also seemingly obsessively grateful if her daughter is invited to anything (and given the amount that 13 year old girls socialise, it's a bit odd that she's so gushing and grateful anytime her daughter is invited anywhere).

Anyway, DD and her friends thought that as Sophie hadn't had any kind of celebration, they'd arrange a sleepover this half-term, invite Sophie, and make it a little surprise party with cakes and gifts. DD checked that Sophie was free, all the friends have been planning the party (fancy dress, food, attendees, music, presents etc).

Then, DD hears from Sophie (who is very upset) - her mother has said Sophie can't come as Sophie's older brother is out that night and the mother won't stay at her house on her own. She is too scared. Let me point out that they live in suburbia of a normal town (not known for gangs, violence or anything to be scared of). I called the mother (at DD's request) to explain that the girls had organised this surprise party which is why they really wanted Sophie to come. The mother told me she was sorry but was too scared to be at home on her own, so her daughter couldn't come to the party.

Sophie is of course massively upset (she didn't know about the party, but obviously wanted to see her friends). DD is upset. The friends are upset. There are no other dates that can be organised for half term.

Now, I understand people might have anxiety of some kind. But this woman is basically turning her children into her carers. God knows what happens if either the older brother of Sophie want to go to university, or, God forbid, leave home.

I've just had a text from the mother confirming that Sophie can't come. I'm sitting on my hands to stop myself from typing back that she needs to sort out her issues and not make her children suffer as a result.

AIBU in thinking this is massively unfair on the kids and will royally fuck up their lives? I obviously can't do much about it other than fume. But honestly - surely the mother should seek some help rather than making her kids suffer?

Have you suggested that Sophie be picked up at 9/10?

Personally, I would support the Mother into allow this to take place, even if it meant entertaining her for the evening.

She sounds isolated because of her MH issues, that is what they are.

If your diagnosed, or they come after your children have a strong attachment to the Parent, do you think that giving the child up for adoption is the best solution, or do you muddle through, as a family.

Most child Carers as so, because of the woeful underfunded community services, but some are Carers because there are no easy answers, so you go with the least harmful.

Stop judging, this Mother is no more at fault, than a person physically disabled.

All it could take is a car accident, a fall, or a traumatic event and any one of us could be her.

I think it is lovely that your dd and her friends are prepared to do this for Sophie, but it's a life lesson. Sophie's life isn't like theirs. Sophie's mum isn't like theirs. It's not the end of the world if she doesn't get a birthday party, this week. They can meet up somewhere and make a fuss of her sometime. However, if they are real friends they will support her and get to know her, not judge her and her mum on the fact that the mum has anxiety issues. Agrophobia/panic attacks etc are horrific. If Sophie is supporting her mum, and her mum is suffering then the girls can be sensitive to their friend and offer her real support, not just keep on insisting that she attends a party. There will be other opportunities for parties. At the moment, she has real life to deal with.

Can a few mums go out for pizza and bring ol scaredy puss with them?

Maybe she's also a believer that all men are would be attackers and will know by woo that she's alone that night and is convinced she will be attacked "scream" style if alone in the house?

Has it also occurred to you that the school place could be fully funded?

But again, having money has never cured MH problems, even if it isn't.

Sad but lots of children act as carers for their parents. Maybe that is what is going on here.

I have no spare room at home, hence would be difficult to invite her over. Also, and I'm prepared to be flamed, I don't want to be her confidante. I don't particularly like the woman (I've met her on a couple of occasions), I have nothing in common with her and the only reason I'm communicating with her is because DD is friend's with her DD.

I'm not confident that contacting the brother would help in any way. From what I can gather, he rarely leaves the house and spends his time playing computer games.

I suppose the date will just have to be changed. But finding a mutually convenient date in the next month is difficult and obviously further and further away from when Sophie's birthday was.

I don't know if talking to the school may help. I don't know there's anything they could (or would) do.

Some children are carers for their parents.

I'm sure most parents who rely on their children would rather not and would love to be able to just "sort out their issues" but there you go, life isn't always perfect - even for private schoolgirls living in nice suburbia.

www.youngcarers.net
www.carers.org
www.nhs.uk/carersdirect/young/Pages/Youngcarershome.aspx

If she is in the position of being a carer those above links are quite good. First one isn't often updated but has some good info.

I still think you should speak to her school though.

Having been in this situation having to take on the 'mummy' role to your own parent is very, very difficult especially at 13. Having to miss lovely events can drive you to resentment. If this is an ongoing situation, as you have been made aware of it you really need to see if you can put the school 'in the picture'. I wouldn't hesitate to say that if socialising is affected so will school be in terms of extra curricular, residentials, etc..

I'm not sure either but if they know the situation is a bit different/exceptional they can at the very least, offer a listening ear for her and be a bit lenient with deadlines etc. That was the only way really that my teachers helped me. But I think they can discuss with school nursing team or social work as well, I think, or possibly point her in the direction of proper young carers support (groups do exist up and down UK).

If sleepover isn't possible then a party should be , during the day.
Sophie's mother may not be capable of handling a group of 6 teenagers and there may be other reasons why she didn't organise he daughter's party.

Please don't judge that mother, she might have issues from abusive childhood she can't face yet.
We don't really ever know what's going on in other people's life.
Unlikely she would confide in you or any other parent unless you become close friends.

Why not arrange a day out instead of a sleepover?

Crinkly, busybodying. That's nice. All I was suggesting is making sure that the school know?! I've been there and it's not pleasant, and if it is happening they both need support. It's not normal for a mum to refuse her daughter to have a sleepover because she wants her to be at home as she's too scared to be alone!

There could be anything behind this decision, it could be something serious, maybe they are at risk for some reason. Maybe there's someone 'out to get them' and they are kind of in hiding? Maybe it's a cover for an embarrassing issue for the girl, or another reason. You may never know.
It is odd, definitely, but I would try to accept it. Could you arrange just an evening party rather than an overnight one, so it doesn't "royally muck up" their lives, (an overreaction I think!).
Maybe try to befriend this Mother and support her, could she stay over too and have a glass of wine and nibbles with you? You might make a friend?

Aside from taking some cakes into school, she had no party or any kind of celebration

YABU for this.

Not everyone does parties or celebrations beyond a quiet tea and a present at home.

Its not an issue. I am amazed anyone thinks it is.

YANBU to be concerned about the Mother's apparent anxieties but you are not qualified to 'sort her issues out'.

"But this woman is basically turning her children into her carers."

There are potentially a quarter of a million children in this country who are young carers according this news article I doubt that many of the parents are all that delighted that they are so dependent on their children. IF that is what is happening in this situation, the mother was incredibly brave to admit that was the position and anything your daughter and her friends can do to be sympathetic and supportive of their friend has got to be good news.

Either that or they had a better offer and this was an excuse.

Either way, a text advising her to "sort her issues" out is unlikely to be remotely helpful

There are no ex issues from what I can tell. He lives in another country and the kids see him occasionally in the holidays.

People can have more than one ex you know.

I've re-read your OP and subsequent posts and realise all you've wanted to do is come on here and bitch about someone you've met twice. You're not interested in resolving the party issue aside beyond sending a judgmental and ignorant text, which BTW will likely make things worse.

Have you thought that the reason she is "incredibly grateful" for people helping her daughter to socialise is because she is unable to do so and unable to reciprocate any hospitality due to her MH issues. That is the only way she can thank people and yet you see it as character flaw and an indicator of her 'oddness'.

Your DD and her friends sound lovely and hopefully they can find another date themselves.

Could you host Sophie and the girls in the daytime on the designated sleepover day? They could make their own party lunch together and someone could be responsible for delivering Sophie to her home at a time her mother finds acceptable.

Op I think you sounded very judgemental and clearly have no knowledge or real interest in this women nor any concern that you have waded into someone's life imposing your values over a teenagers lack of a birthday party.

Please go back to minding your own business.

As the others have said, it may be that Sophie has the issue and the Mum is covering.

However I do know someone very well whose children are suffering as a result of her anxieties (can't go to parents' evening etc due to anxiety but can go out and do other stuff). I have tried to broach the subject of the DCs becoming anxious and withdrawn as I can see it clearly but got airily brushed off. It's a difficult one.

Every one of DD's friends has had a party or celebration of some kind. That's why DD and her friends felt so bad that Sophie hadn't. It might not be the norm for everyone, but it is certainly the norm at her school.

I'm pissed off that Sophie is the one who is losing out. Sophie's upset and sending messages to DD on Facebook saying how much she hates her mother for not letting her go to the sleepover. My sympathies are with the child and the impact the situation is having on her.

I haven't sent any texts to the mother, Tondelayo. I'm venting on here instead.

Sophie isn't the one with the issue. She's slept over at our house on various occasions (but only when the brother was at home with the mother).