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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this mother needs to sort her issues out?

442 replies

FreckledLeopard · 27/05/2014 13:50

There is a girl in DD's class (they're all in Year 8, so aged 12/13). The girl is in DD's group of friends. She is a sweet girl.

This girl (I will call her Sophie for sake of anonymity) recently turned 13. Aside from taking some cakes into school, she had no party or any kind of celebration as the mother said she couldn't afford to. I should probably add here that the school they all attend is private, so the mother must pay some school fees (though could, of course, have a substantial bursary. I don't know).

The girl lives with her mother and brother. The father (parents are divorced) lives abroad and doesn't seem to see much of his children at all. The brother is 21 and lives at home.

I've met the mother on a couple of occasions and she is odd. Very odd. Very fussy, very nervy, can't make normal chit chat. She is also seemingly obsessively grateful if her daughter is invited to anything (and given the amount that 13 year old girls socialise, it's a bit odd that she's so gushing and grateful anytime her daughter is invited anywhere).

Anyway, DD and her friends thought that as Sophie hadn't had any kind of celebration, they'd arrange a sleepover this half-term, invite Sophie, and make it a little surprise party with cakes and gifts. DD checked that Sophie was free, all the friends have been planning the party (fancy dress, food, attendees, music, presents etc).

Then, DD hears from Sophie (who is very upset) - her mother has said Sophie can't come as Sophie's older brother is out that night and the mother won't stay at her house on her own. She is too scared. Let me point out that they live in suburbia of a normal town (not known for gangs, violence or anything to be scared of). I called the mother (at DD's request) to explain that the girls had organised this surprise party which is why they really wanted Sophie to come. The mother told me she was sorry but was too scared to be at home on her own, so her daughter couldn't come to the party.

Sophie is of course massively upset (she didn't know about the party, but obviously wanted to see her friends). DD is upset. The friends are upset. There are no other dates that can be organised for half term.

Now, I understand people might have anxiety of some kind. But this woman is basically turning her children into her carers. God knows what happens if either the older brother of Sophie want to go to university, or, God forbid, leave home.

I've just had a text from the mother confirming that Sophie can't come. I'm sitting on my hands to stop myself from typing back that she needs to sort out her issues and not make her children suffer as a result.

AIBU in thinking this is massively unfair on the kids and will royally fuck up their lives? I obviously can't do much about it other than fume. But honestly - surely the mother should seek some help rather than making her kids suffer?

OP posts:
Joules68 · 27/05/2014 18:07

Non of your business at all. A sleepover at your house where they don't know you or who you will have in your house?

And a carer for when her dc want to go out? Lol at that..... Where do you get those??

ShineSmile · 27/05/2014 18:09

I know some people who don't have mental health issues but are still scared to sleep overnight on their own.

PleaseJustShootMeNow · 27/05/2014 18:09

I can just see the Daily Mail headline:

'Teenager Pissed Off At Having To Stay In And Put Her Mum First On One Occasion Shocker!'

^^

Do your children get to do whatever they like, whenever they like? Do you never say 'no, not this time, I need you to ...'

Joules68 · 27/05/2014 18:09

ithaka god yes, how selfish of the mother to have a Disibility/illness/problem. Hmm

Joules68 · 27/05/2014 18:12

Sleepovers are happening too often IMO. They are no longer a 'treat ' more like an everyday occurance which usually involve copious amounts of crappy food and drink. They are more of a headache than a treat

ithaka · 27/05/2014 18:13

My sister doesn't like sleeping on her own. No MH issues, but wildly self absorbed. I'm not sure she would insist to the extent for stopping her daughter going to a birthday sleepover - she may be selfish, but she loves her kids.

ithaka · 27/05/2014 18:14

ithaka god yes, how selfish of the mother to have a Disibility/illness/problem

Bit of a wild assumption there, based on the available info.

Joules68 · 27/05/2014 18:16

What's a 'wild assumption'

Aeroflotgirl · 27/05/2014 18:24

I agree coffeeT, it is placing a lot of responsibility on her children, limiting them severely. Yes she dies need to sort it out for their sakes, she needs to go to her GP for professional help. What is she going to do when dd is an adult! She has to live her life. Yes it's a good compromise to just do the evening, poor Sophie!

Aeroflotgirl · 27/05/2014 18:25

Yes she may have MH issues, but she has to get help fir the sake of her chikdren.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 27/05/2014 18:26

How do you know she isnt aeroflotgirl?

erin99 · 27/05/2014 18:27

What a lovely thing you are trying to do for Sophie. Don't spoil it. Can you host a non-sleepover for Sophie? Invite the mum over if you have to.

Who knows what goes on in anybody's head? Facilitating some sort of thing for Sophie would be a huge kindness to them both and might open the door a crack towards more independence.

Your DD and friends sound like a lovely bunch.

Joules68 · 27/05/2014 18:30

But erin the parent has said 'no'...

MmeMorrible · 27/05/2014 18:31

It amazes me that so many people have no awareness of the reality that there are many young carers out there. It's not a life sentence, these kids love their parents you know. Families can and do look after one another. Of course young carers should be supported but all thus hand wringing and assuming its so awful for the child it very blinkered.

And for the third time there's no bloody evidence that Sophie is a carer or needs any help whatsoever.

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 27/05/2014 18:31

I think those going on about sleepovers being the work of the devil are missing the point. It's not about the sleepover, or the birthday party. It's about the mother being reliant on one or the other of her children to always be with her at night. That's the problem. Don't burden your children with your problems.

OP posts:
Joules68 · 27/05/2014 18:34

Maybe she isn't 'burdened' with her mothers problems? Some kids care about there family.... Some want to help....

WilsonFrickett · 27/05/2014 18:35

Goodness you are getting a bit... dogmatic about this OP.

Carers don't grow on trees. Equating being kidnapped by aliens with rape is just plain nasty.

Also the insinuation that the DB's social life should take second place to Sophies because your DarlingCs have planned something else is entitled beyond belief.

Really, all that's happening here is a 13 yo isn't conforming to the social norms set out by a few other parents and a bunch of other 13 yos. It reminds me of my introverted pal who had a 'surprise party' thrown for her buy a bunch of other mums who simply couldn't/wouldn't believe her when she said she didn't like parties.

I actually can't believe people are talking about contacting SS because a 13yo will miss a sleep over.

ikeaismylocal · 27/05/2014 18:35

I agree that it isn't fair on poor Sophie. I think if you have a mh issue and you are a parent you still need to put your children's needs and feelings before your own needs and feelings. I grew up with a parent with mh issues and I unfortunately have little respect for people who use the children to try to stop themself feeling crap.

If it was a husband/wife relationship and one partner was never allowed to leave the other person alone it would be classed as emotionally abusive.

What if Sophie's mum decides Sophie can no longer go attend school as the mum needs Sophie at home? What if the mum chooses not to take Sophie to hospital when she needs medical attention or an operation? Is that ok? What if Sophie is discouraged from going to university, going traveling, getting a job? Is that ok because the mum "needs" her?

If your mh make you abusive to your children physicallyor emotionally then I think you should either be forced to deal with your mh issues, if you have tried to get better and it has failed I don't think a child should be made to live with an abusive parent just because the parent is ill. At the very least the child should have a social worker who can help the family make decisions for the child from an objective perspective.

PrincessBabyCat · 27/05/2014 18:36

princessbabycat have you any idea how many young carers there are out there? Are you really that narrow minded and naive?

Yes, and I know how much it absolutely sucks to be in that position. No child should have to do it.

If a parent can't take care of themselves how can they possibly take care of their children?

You are naive if you think these children are really ok with such a situation. It's incredibly selfish on the parent's part to put that on their child. They are the parent, not their child. When you make your child your "parent" you are only going to cause them harm.

The only time a child should be taking care of their parents is when they're a capable and consenting adult caring for their elderly parents.

Deverethemuzzler · 27/05/2014 18:37

You don't know that is the case.
You only know that on one occasion the mother didn't want to be on her own at night.

That is all you know.

The rest is just you getting carried away because someone is different from you.

You don't know that the mother has significant MH issues.
You certainly don't know that she is going to prevent her children from going to university but that hasn't stopped you bringing it up.

PrincessBabyCat · 27/05/2014 18:40

Maybe she isn't 'burdened' with her mothers problems? Some kids care about there family.... Some want to help....

We call that brain washing. Kids in toxic situations can be happy until they move out and realize they were in toxic situation.

Joules68 · 27/05/2014 18:40

If a parent can't take care of themselves how can they possibly take care of their children?

Really?? Shock

Would you like to tell the disabled parents of mumsnet this?

starfishmummy · 27/05/2014 18:44

Yabu. Poor woman has been diagnosed as mentally ill by people who have never met her.

Maybe there are other reasons why the daughter can't stay over, things which are confidential, and this is the first excuse the woman could think up on the spur if the moment

MmeMorrible · 27/05/2014 18:45

Princessbabycat I find your views very offensive. If the mother had cancer, what would you suggest - removing DCs at diagnosis so there is no 'burden' on them? Open your eyes to the real world, where illness both mental & physical is a reality.

Again - no evidence that Sophie is a carer.

PrincessBabyCat · 27/05/2014 18:46

Would you like to tell the disabled parents of mumsnet this?

I think the disabled parents of mumsnet are taking care of themselves, seeing doctors when they need to. Honestly, I think most of them would be horrified at the suggestion that their children take care of them.

There is a difference between making the child take up extra chores like vacuuming because they physically can't, and actually taking care of them.