To think this mother needs to sort her issues out?

[FreckledLeopard]

There is a girl in DD's class (they're all in Year 8, so aged 12/13). The girl is in DD's group of friends. She is a sweet girl.

This girl (I will call her Sophie for sake of anonymity) recently turned 13. Aside from taking some cakes into school, she had no party or any kind of celebration as the mother said she couldn't afford to. I should probably add here that the school they all attend is private, so the mother must pay some school fees (though could, of course, have a substantial bursary. I don't know).

The girl lives with her mother and brother. The father (parents are divorced) lives abroad and doesn't seem to see much of his children at all. The brother is 21 and lives at home.

I've met the mother on a couple of occasions and she is odd. Very odd. Very fussy, very nervy, can't make normal chit chat. She is also seemingly obsessively grateful if her daughter is invited to anything (and given the amount that 13 year old girls socialise, it's a bit odd that she's so gushing and grateful anytime her daughter is invited anywhere).

Anyway, DD and her friends thought that as Sophie hadn't had any kind of celebration, they'd arrange a sleepover this half-term, invite Sophie, and make it a little surprise party with cakes and gifts. DD checked that Sophie was free, all the friends have been planning the party (fancy dress, food, attendees, music, presents etc).

Then, DD hears from Sophie (who is very upset) - her mother has said Sophie can't come as Sophie's older brother is out that night and the mother won't stay at her house on her own. She is too scared. Let me point out that they live in suburbia of a normal town (not known for gangs, violence or anything to be scared of). I called the mother (at DD's request) to explain that the girls had organised this surprise party which is why they really wanted Sophie to come. The mother told me she was sorry but was too scared to be at home on her own, so her daughter couldn't come to the party.

Sophie is of course massively upset (she didn't know about the party, but obviously wanted to see her friends). DD is upset. The friends are upset. There are no other dates that can be organised for half term.

Now, I understand people might have anxiety of some kind. But this woman is basically turning her children into her carers. God knows what happens if either the older brother of Sophie want to go to university, or, God forbid, leave home.

I've just had a text from the mother confirming that Sophie can't come. I'm sitting on my hands to stop myself from typing back that she needs to sort out her issues and not make her children suffer as a result.

AIBU in thinking this is massively unfair on the kids and will royally fuck up their lives? I obviously can't do much about it other than fume. But honestly - surely the mother should seek some help rather than making her kids suffer?

YANBU to think it's not a workable or fair solution that one of her kids is always at home with her overnight.

Obviously you would be unreasonable to text "sort it out", but I think you know that.

Actually, I think the suggestion of mentioning it to the school is a good idea. The priority has to be Sophie's wellbeing.

I agree with the majority of your post isabella but the OP saying she seems anxious and grateful is her interpretation. The OP thinks its sad and concerning that a 13 year old didn't have a birthday party.

So I think its reasonable to not necessarily go along with her version and run with it the way some posters are.

I come across as very anxious in some circumstances but none of my DCs are or ever have been young carers. Even with a sibling and father with disabilities.

What if, just surmising for a second, this woman was raped at night and therefore fears being alone? What if she has bad abandonment issues because she was abused as a child? What if she has some kind of OCD or phobia that she is battling? What if she is also in counselling and on medication to 'sort her issues out' but these things take time, and in the meantime, she doesn't want this all over the school?

What if she does?

It really is a bummer that she doesn't have a better support network than her children. It really is. But she can't do that to them.

If her issues are that severe she needs to either have a doctor that is on call, most therapists will give you a number to the 24 hour crisis line that you can talk to. She should be using that, not her children.

Children should not be carers for their parents. If a parent requires any more than a child knowing what to do in an emergency (like calling 911 and moving objects out of the way for epilepsy) they need to have a hired carer helping out. Children don't have the mental capacity to make snap judgement that are in the best interest of the parent.

Like I said, tell her to sort her shit won't help her. It will make it worse. No one has ever snapped out of it by being told they were ridiculous. That's why I said talk to the school so they can access the right channels for her. If she's keeping her kids home and not letting them leave, I would place real money on the fact that it's not actively getting treated.

I do agree with not spreading it around the school and keeping it discreet.

I would be pretty sure that the mam just doesnt want her to go and this is the first thing that popped into her head.

Bonkers suggestions of the mother having "serious mental health problems" based on a description of her by someone who doesn't even know her!!

Very well said PrincessBabyCat

Get the brother to change his plans- maybe he doesn't know how important this is. She's setting her child up for a lifetime of no friends- such a shame when all the girls have been so kind. Or, thinking of it, is there maybe ONE in the crowd who has bullied her in the past?

FFS! 'Contact the school', 'Get SS to check'. It's 1 bloody sleep over she's missing because her mum needs her help. The OP has already said she does go to other sleep overs, it's just this one she's missing. She's hardly Cinderella. Talk about over reacting.

Those of you expousing getting the authorities involved, do you have any idea of how destructive that is when there's no grounds for it? I had someone 'report' me because they, wrongly, felt that my condition affected my ability to cope with DS. SS investigated and closed the file as they had no concerns what so ever. I've suffered from PTSD ever since. It's incredibly naive to think no harm no foul.

The OP has told us the reason the mother gave for Sophie not being allowed to go to the sleepover is that she was scared to be in the house by herself.

In my opinion that is well outside normal behaviour for an adult.

We don't know anything else, which is why I didn't say call SS, but I think it is worth mentioning to the school. On the face of it, there is enough to conclude that the mother may have mental health issues that are turning her children into her carers and the school should be aware of that.

By the way OP, I think it's lovely that your DD and the other girls wanted to do so etching special for Sophie. I can imagine in a lot of classes in that age group that Sophie would become increasingly isolated for being different.

As a young carer myself (well previously young) I am actually horrified by some responses on this thread. I didn't care that my relatives didn't want me to be in that position, because it didn't make a difference, I was still there. I'd have given anything to get out of that situation and saying things about how Sophie will just have to learn her mum isn't like other mums perpetuates the isolation and distance these kids feel. YANBU OP and good for you trying to give a little girl a slice of normality.

It is mad to approach school or SS with just a collection of wild suppositions and rumours.

No it's not. If it turns out to be nothing SS will close the case. No harm done. If it turns out to be something, they can get the family the help they need.

The best you can do when helping kids in bad situations out is make a guess to the best of your abilities. My cousin kept falling off her bike and had bruises all up and down her legs. Someone just made a concerned report, it was investigated and then case was closed when all was fine. You're not jumping to conclusions when you file a report, you're asking them investigate to make sure nothing deeper is going on.

But the absolute worst thing you can do, is to keep quiet. Sophie may not be able to speak for herself, or she may not even know she's in a toxic situation.

Not allowing your daughter to go to a friend's overnight because you can't be left alone is troubleling. You're making yourself dependent upon your child, and that is too much responsibility for a teenager.

Not sure what you can do- I do think this will have long term problems for the daughter.

There is a crazy amount of pearl clutching in this thread about poor 'Sophie' being a young carer for her mum with a serious mental illness when there is no concrete evidence of anything except a fear of being in the house alone at night.

No it's not. If it turns out to be nothing SS will close the case. No harm done. If it turns out to be something, they can get the family the help they need

What help? There isn't any.
They will leave a family deeply traumatised for what? Because some random woman from the school thinks the DD isn't having a varied enough social life.

This is nuts. A few words have been built up into a massive issue.

The OP doesn't know the family.

And you lot know even less.

Call SS ffs.

Jeez! Some families just don't do sleepovers!!

After an horrific experience with dd1 and a sleepover I do not support them at all anymore!

Judge when you know concrete facts.

princessbabycat have you any idea how many young carers there are out there? Are you really that narrow minded and naive?

I don't want to give the entire background of the family. Suffice to say, if it were another mother suddenly changing their mind about a sleepover then I'd think nothing of it. This particular family is different - the mother isn't thinking creatively to allow the daughter to 'get out' of the sleepover. The daughter desperately wants to come. I am 99.9999% confident that the mother won't allow her to come for the very reason she told me, that she's scared of being alone in her house.

Of course I have no idea if the mother has been raped, tortured, abducted by aliens or any such things. I have no idea why she is scared of being alone. Frankly, though, I don't think it's fair on the child to have to be around simply because her mother is anxious/terrified/fearful etc. Regardless of whatever issues led the mother to be like she is, I don't think the child should suffer. End of. The mother needs to get help (a carer, someone to be around if her kids want to go out or similar).

I feel sorry for the children - they didn't ask to be in this situation and as much sympathy as anyone can have for the mother (and I admit, I'm not a particularly softly-softly, sympathetic type of person), it's her issue to get over and not let it impact on her children.

Of course, looking at it from the perspective of 'it's just one sleepover that needs to be re-arranged' then of course, it's making a mountain out of a molehill. But looking at it from the perspective of the child being unhappy and angry that plans that were already agreed are being changed because of the mother's anxiety, and not being able to lead a 'normal' life like her friends do, let alone what she's supposed to do as she gets older and wants to leave home - then it is a bigger issue.

The mother needs to get help (a carer, someone to be around if her kids want to go out or similar).

How naive of you.

The mother needs to get help (a carer, someone to be around if her kids want to go out or similar).

You have no idea that she isnt already recieiving help, or that she has asked and none is available. Do honestly think her GP can arrange someone to come and babysit her everytime her children want to go out? You dont know that she didnt have support that has just come to and end or fallen through. Or perhaps her support turned out to e more damaging and traumatic and she's had to cancel it.

As i said before- the fact that an issue exists does not mean it is not being addressed.

Perhaps she was having counselling and something happened to set her back. Perhaps this is a very temporary situation and she knows she will be fine again once something (new counsellor, new GP, new meds) is in place.

God op you sound awful!

It's n

The mum sounds pretty selfish, putting herself before her DD. Sadly, there are plenty mums like that in the world & not a lot you can do about it. If the DD has any gumption, she will leave home soonest & her mum will just have to deal with it.