To think this mother needs to sort her issues out?

[FreckledLeopard]

There is a girl in DD's class (they're all in Year 8, so aged 12/13). The girl is in DD's group of friends. She is a sweet girl.

This girl (I will call her Sophie for sake of anonymity) recently turned 13. Aside from taking some cakes into school, she had no party or any kind of celebration as the mother said she couldn't afford to. I should probably add here that the school they all attend is private, so the mother must pay some school fees (though could, of course, have a substantial bursary. I don't know).

The girl lives with her mother and brother. The father (parents are divorced) lives abroad and doesn't seem to see much of his children at all. The brother is 21 and lives at home.

I've met the mother on a couple of occasions and she is odd. Very odd. Very fussy, very nervy, can't make normal chit chat. She is also seemingly obsessively grateful if her daughter is invited to anything (and given the amount that 13 year old girls socialise, it's a bit odd that she's so gushing and grateful anytime her daughter is invited anywhere).

Anyway, DD and her friends thought that as Sophie hadn't had any kind of celebration, they'd arrange a sleepover this half-term, invite Sophie, and make it a little surprise party with cakes and gifts. DD checked that Sophie was free, all the friends have been planning the party (fancy dress, food, attendees, music, presents etc).

Then, DD hears from Sophie (who is very upset) - her mother has said Sophie can't come as Sophie's older brother is out that night and the mother won't stay at her house on her own. She is too scared. Let me point out that they live in suburbia of a normal town (not known for gangs, violence or anything to be scared of). I called the mother (at DD's request) to explain that the girls had organised this surprise party which is why they really wanted Sophie to come. The mother told me she was sorry but was too scared to be at home on her own, so her daughter couldn't come to the party.

Sophie is of course massively upset (she didn't know about the party, but obviously wanted to see her friends). DD is upset. The friends are upset. There are no other dates that can be organised for half term.

Now, I understand people might have anxiety of some kind. But this woman is basically turning her children into her carers. God knows what happens if either the older brother of Sophie want to go to university, or, God forbid, leave home.

I've just had a text from the mother confirming that Sophie can't come. I'm sitting on my hands to stop myself from typing back that she needs to sort out her issues and not make her children suffer as a result.

AIBU in thinking this is massively unfair on the kids and will royally fuck up their lives? I obviously can't do much about it other than fume. But honestly - surely the mother should seek some help rather than making her kids suffer?

People are right - I don't have any real interest in this woman. I do, though, think her DD is sweet and think it's unfair for her DD to miss out on what her peers are experiencing.

So what if all the other girls have had parties.

Not everyone does or feels the need to keep up with the neighbours.

Maybe it is the norm for the school because those that don't have parties for their children get gossiped about.

Could you arrange a mums night on the same evening, so that she could take sophie home at late o'clock and not be on her own during the evening.

Its very brave of her to actually say why (if not the full story) she isn't happy for sophie to go. She sounds deeply unhappy/been through a trauma, and to top that, probably feels like she doesn't fit in at school with all the nice nuclear families with hubby, wifey, 2.4 kids, nice house, car, holidays in tuscany... I know its hard to be the 'sponge friend' but try to cut her some slack. I'm sure she doesn't want to be the type of mum who lives in fear of her children not being there, or maybe she has epilepsy or something similar and fears an attack?

Hang on.

She does get to go on sleepovers?
So she missed one and didn't have a birthday party and you have her down as a young carer and experiencing emotional deprivation?

Where do you live, Beverly Hills?

This woman clearly does have an issue and it may be affecting her daughter. However the fact that an issue exists does not mean it isnt being addressed.

Maybe there are other issues, huge assumption I know, but I have a friend who is a Jehovah's witness, who used to make excuses like this all the time (and birthdays are not acknowledged by the religion) until she finally confided in me, technically she is not allowed to be friends with me either.

Lots of non-nuclear families. I'm a lesbian single mother and had DD at 19.

Not wanting to be home alone might have been the only reason the mum could think of when put on the spot by an interferring busybody she barely knows ringing her to question a decision she has already made about her child.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago when my daughter was 14. I wouldn't allow her to go to a concert with her friend and his family which they had been looking forwards too for 6 months. DD told them it was because DH was away and she had to stay with me because I can't manage alone (physical disability). The father rang me and gave me grief because he felt I was being incredibly selfish. The reality was DD had been caught shoplifting, the shop owner pressed charges and there was no way I was sitting in court with her in the morning and then allowing her to swan off to a concert in the evening. But of course there's no way I was telling the father that.

Just because someone has a child at a paying school doesn't mean they have money left for extras!

For all you know OP that date could be an important date for the family (anniversary of a death for example) and the mother wants to spend it with her daughter particularly as her son is away.

Sorry - assumption based on DSs schools. It's shock!horror! if parents dont live together.

Cop on OP seriously.

Your daughter and her friends shouldnt have made assumptions that Sophie could go to the sleep over without talking to the mother first. If she had been consulted and said no, there would have been no fuss, no drama, no need for this post.

Its ONE sleep over. No need to call SS ffs.

Clearly this woman HAS issues. I was unaware telling people to get a grip was a perfectly valid medical way to treat people with MH issues. You shoudl write a book.

Lastly, all this drama over a sleepover? You need to teach your child how manage disappointments and stop feeding this issue with further drama.

From what Sophie has told DD, it's because her mother won't be home alone. Nothing to do with significant dates or anything else. Prior to the brother going away, the sleepover was confirmed. It was only when the brother decided to go out, that Sophie suddenly couldn't come anymore.

Plus, the mother told me, on the phone, that she won't stay at home on her own.

Anyway, I'm not interfering. I've told DD they'll have to re-schedule. I'm not going to message the mother. I'm just expressing my opinion on here. I spoke to the mother as DD was talking to Sophie on the phone and wanted me to explain about the surprise party to the mum, in an effort to make her see that it wasn't an ordinary sleepover but something the girls had been planning for her daughter.

Yanbu to be upset for Sophie and the other girls but unfortunately some of the comments you make about her mum are quite unkind especially if she does have mh issues.

If it bothers you that much then suck it up and invite thewoman over for a meal and a few drinks and then offer tto drive her home via the party house and collect Sophie

I know the mother has said she is scared to be in the house alone ,but there are many medical reasons why she might be afraid to be on her own ,unlikely as it may seem in this case,
Epilepsy or diabeties are two conditions that can mean a person can't be left alone.
Sometimes there is more going On than what is seen on the outside .

Mmm lots of jumping to conclusions here. Maybe Sophie's Mum does have anxiety/depression/other more complex MH issues but there is scant evidence to base this diagnosis on.

Maybe Sophie's on a full scholarship or bursary and she feels a bit out of her depth socially with the other parents at school, hence the over-grateful response when her DD is included by her friends.

Maybe she's a bit concerned about people judging re her lack of provision of a birthday party and feeling the need to arrange their own party for Sophie. I think it needs to be carefully managed so as not to seem like a charity event.

Perhaps the mother is a bit pissed off that you are throwing a surprise birthday party for her DD?

Pretty good way to make someone feel inadequate as a parent.
Particularly if they are already struggling.

I would be pretty annoyed if we hadn't planned a party for one of the DCs and their friends took it upon themselves to make up for our shortcomings.

YANBU. Not at all. That is very harsh for a 13-year-old girl to miss her own surprise party. It was lovely of her friends to organise something for her and it's a huge shame she is being forced to miss out.

And she is being forced to miss out because of her mum's mental health. It clearly is causing resentment. You're right to feel bad for Sophie; I do too. The mother does need a back-up plan other than her children looking after her - maybe she has one and maybe she doesn't. She seems to be relying on one or the other DC being at home every night, but that must have a increasing impact on their young lives.

What happens when the 21-year-old brother moves out? Does Sophie become housebound after dark until she's old enough to break free?

I would direct Sophie towards the school and towards carer organisations online that can offer her some support. She is just reaching an age where she will want to go out more and more, and she needs to be able to do that knowing her mum is taken care of. The school may be able to help Sophie in the longer term.

The OP did not organise the sleepover and it is not taking place at her home. She only called to let the mother know it was a surprise birthday party and not a 'normal' sleepover.

And everyone who thinks it is not a big deal has forgotten what it's like to be 13 years old. Actually, I'd hate to miss my own surprise birthday party that my friends had planned for me, and I'm considerably older!

Nonsense.
Perhaps people should be more concerned that not having a birthday party has become such a huge issue.

Enough for her peers to feel so sorry for her that they organise something without thinking that they need permission from the child's parents first.

This was not an issue until the OP's family made it in to one.

Perhaps the OP phoning the mother to helpfully point out that a group of kids thought her DD needed a party to make up for her mother's shortcomings was the reason she cancelled.

The only reason I have said to contact the school is because - if something is happening (and you can't guarantee it isn't) then it's better to get it sorted. The OP is an adult, Sophie isn't and if there's a genuine concern surely the onus is on her to do something?

When I was 16 the head teacher of my primary school (which I was doing work experience in) was talking to me about my parents (she's known me since I was 2, so not unusual) and she said that everyone had concerns about my household when I was a child and suspected something was not quite right.

Behind closed doors I was, at the age of eight, up until 11pm most nights supporting my mother as she had one seizure after another, with only telephone support from the phone counselling service she used to call. I didn't tell people because I didn't realise that others weren't in the same boat until I was a good bit older. I didn't have friends and as a result at 23, I don't know how to socialise or be properly independent of others.

If someone had - when I was a child - actually spoken up, voiced their concerns and tried to do something then I might not have had to live like that.

Call it nosiness, busybodying or whatever but if there is actually something to be concerned about it is best it's sorted.

It is a very strange excuse to come up with if it is a false one, as it raises concerns about the family situation - I'm sure if the mother wanted to come up with an excuse to cover something else such as bed wetting she would have done so.