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Original poster

To feel awful for sending DD to her dads when she didnt want to go?

238 replies

Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 18:28

I feel awful.

Shes there for 6 days, she doesnt want to go, she has told me that she doesnt want to go, I know she will be fine onces shes there, and its more the thought of not being here with me.... but, well, she went off wailing.

Her dad isnt great any any kind of parenting that has any feelings, she tells me she cant talk to him, she doesnt even feel able to ask for a drink when shes with him. I have told him this lots of times, but, im the ex wife, so it never goes down well.

He picked her up from school today, DD had had a meltdown last night about not wanting to go and said hes scary and she cant talk to him. I told him, so he knew and could maybe do something to address it. Rather than getting home with her and trying to have a reassuring chat, he shouted at her in the car and told her she was silly. she was in tears when i met her at home, she was cross with me for telling him ( she told me in private, and i explained i told him so he could try and fix it)
He then had a go at me in front of her because i brought her a skateboard, or rather, i let her get one with her own money, as she has too many toys.... then he told her it was a good thing as shes not fallen off and hurt herself yet as shes too scared to do that, so maybe she will do with this. That makes Literally NO sense to me.

DD started to cry again, and i gave her a cuddle, sat with her and told her all the nice things she would do and what we could do when she came back and that i would call her tomorrow. He got all cross and said its not necessary for me to call and i was babying her and making it worse.

We got out to the car and DD whispered at me that she didnt want to go, i still made her, she got int he car and was wailing, really sobbing, and he shouted that this was all my fault.

I now feel dreadful.

Shes 8.5

did i do the right thing? i feel like ive broken her trust a bit.
Shes usually fine with weekends, but anything longer upsets her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 22:59

essexmummy, given the last page or two of posts, outlining the legal score, what do you suggest i do?

there is no bad feeling from me towards my ex, it was a long time ago.

i dont quite understand what you think i should do, which would be outside of the law?

but, please explain.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 23/05/2014 23:03

A 6 foot plus guy telling an 8 year old to "man up"??!

WTF?

I wouldn, t feel comfortable sending DC there AT ALL....

Lonecatwithkitten · 23/05/2014 23:04

My solicitor actually suggested that DD access counselling even though at the time she seemed settled so I left it for a while. Then I started to get the tears as you have had and pursued the counselling which has been enormously helpful for her and is confidential unless it is a child protection issue.
I just wonder if you are now getting tears and upset whether now is the time that counselling might be helpful. Obviously you know her best, but having been in similar shoes I can say it has helped a lot.
DD was 8 when she first had counselling she is now 10 and still has it.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 23:09

Ive got a few ideas to try first, but if this is something that continues and/ or ramps up/ becomes a common occurrence/ seems to be something she is struggling with.. i will speak to the school about it.

OP posts:
EssexMummy123 · 23/05/2014 23:10

I don't think you have had two pages of judges posting replies so let's not take for gospel what everyone on an internet forum say's about the law and I don't think you are putting your daughters emotional wellbeing above the difficulty you have in being a joint parent with your ex - that perhaps isn't the same as bad feeling, but nothing you have said has indicated that your working together as parents.

You didn't answer my question though, and of course you don't have to - but did you have counselling when you split up with your ex?

LEMmingaround · 23/05/2014 23:14

i haven't read all of the thread - i can't its too upsetting! your DD is wailing because she doesn't want to go to her dads, you say she is scare of him (but its ok becaue she is not scared of him all the time!)

This is a wind up isn't it??

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 23:17

No, but i have had a family lawyer, and, a quick google will show that its the truth. Have a look at some family law websites, trawl through gingerbreads website if you so wish.

I have no issue joint parenting with my ex and im not sure what has led to you accuse me of that? I dont need to explain myself to you, but im sure inviting him and his new wife ( the one he cheated on me with) into my home numerous times for DD's birthday and special events shows anything but. Please stop projecting.

Also, what does counselling for me, have to do with DD not wanting to go to her dads for a week?

OP posts:
gingerchick · 23/05/2014 23:22

If the dv was only 5 years ago your daughter was 3 not a baby and has every reason to feel scared, children are more aware than we think they are, I left my dv ex when my daughter was three she had never seen any violence but she has been affected and still is age 7. Because of this my children ( I was
Pregnant when I left) see there father in a contact centre with my mother present. You are scared of this man and don't want to rock the boat but your daughter is suffering there is no way I would send my daughters in there circumstances no way in hell

wheresthelight · 23/05/2014 23:23

essexmummy FFS shut up having a go will you??!! Arcadia has posted and outed herself as a family law solicitor and has backed up everything the OP has stated she has been told. So wind you damn neck in and stop attacking someone just to get your kicks.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 23/05/2014 23:24

if OP doesn't send her dd and her xp goes to court over it, nothing will change and op will probably be advised not to make it difficult. she's pretty stuck tbh.

wheresthelight · 23/05/2014 23:25

ginger - op said some was as recent as 5 years ago but most was 10 years ago so before dd was born

gingerchick · 23/05/2014 23:28

some dv is still dv

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 23:29

We split when she was 20 weeks old.

the odd time since then has been emotional abuse... nothing more.

dd has not bore witness to any of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 23:31

And im not scared of him.
Havent been for many many years. So, again, please stop projecting.

OP posts:
EssexMummy123 · 23/05/2014 23:34

i'm not getting 'my' kicks here - my point was that the opinion of one family solicitor will probably differ with another one, that's why two people with solicitors go to court and a judge decides the outcome - pointing out that the OP can't take an unknown strangers advice as being gospel on the law is actually quite sensible 'wherethelight' so wind your own neck in.

Back to the op - the history of DV, the fact that you've said your DD wraps herself around you, wants to sleep in your bed, is bursting into tears and telling you that she doesn't want to go and stay with her dad - in fact you even said that he scares her - this all suggests that their has been trauma that is affecting her and yet you say there's been no sign of it? how can you not see how contradictory it is - what your saying?

wheresthelight · 23/05/2014 23:34

Needs - stop justifying yourself to these idiots hun!! They will find a way to twist everything you say!

people in the forces who have grown up with parents in the forces find emotions difficult, they are trained to bury them and the males especially are taght from a very young age that emoition equals weakness. the df here is completely disconnected from his emotions and as a result finds it impossible to cope with a little girl displaying them. his frustration comes out as anger, he cannot help what has been ingrained into him his whole life.

So give the op the credit that she knows her dd and her exh and has explored the abuse issue and all parties have advised they have no concerns and STOP attacking her

gingerchick · 23/05/2014 23:34

You're minimising OP but you obviously can't see it, you asked if you were being unreasonable so without doubt YES you were, I as a single mother with a dv background like you would not have sent her in those circumstances not a chance

wheresthelight · 23/05/2014 23:36

she isn't taking one person on the internet - if you bother to read her posts essex you will see she has consulted a variety of solicitors and all have told her the same as arcadia has advised here. So sod off and stop projecting your own twisted issues onto the OP

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 23/05/2014 23:38

essex have you ever been in a similar situation?

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 23:41

They all say the same on that subject as it is the law. End of.

i could deny contact, sure, if i could find a dodgy solicitor who would take my money and not give me sound legal advice. I would then be laughed out of court, possibly risking losing my resident parent status for being obtrustive with no due reason.

OP posts:
VampyreofTimeandMemory · 23/05/2014 23:43

OP fwiw, DD went through extremely similar. to begin with she had to prised away from me, screaming and crying, to go to her dad's. I was advised by SS and my solicitor to change handover arrangements to see if we could make it easier for her. that was it. Court/ss were well aware she desperately didn't want to go, that he had admitted to being violent towards me on occasion and also that he used drugs but it didn't matter because parenting 'is a learning curve'. she's generally okay now but when she hasn't been, advice from the school included 'just reassure her'... so I know where you're coming from and hope she settles down soon Thanks

HowLongIsTooLong · 23/05/2014 23:45

It's sad but this is the way it goes sometimes with separation. Don't think it is overt abuse. I am in the same situation. My kids would much rather sleep at mine every night than with their Dad as he has little patience and can get shout-y - I think a few hours here and there with him rather than prolonged periods would work out better. But something major has to be going on to change access agreements etc. And by the way, I was regularly afraid of my own Dad's temper. Was not great for us growing up but I am still glad access was not barred by my mother or others!!!

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 23/05/2014 23:47

Thats been the advice from all agencies too. If she wants to be in my bed, let her, if she wants to cling like a limpet to me sometimes, let her.
On the whole dd is blooming. Shes very secure, i know she feels adored..she feels important.

I put things in place to counter act as much as i can. Iveresearched and read and spoken to agencies... im doing the best i can.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 23/05/2014 23:55

History of DV and no court order? I would tell this man to go and fuck himself and let my child stay at home.

SolidGoldBrass · 23/05/2014 23:57

Because while there isn't a court order, you can just keep her at home, it will take time for him to get a court order, and during that time she will be getting older and more able to state that she doesn't want to go, and you can block and stonewall and drag it out for a good long time without actually getting sent to prison or anything...