To think I shouldn't be paying all this out?

[thepolymysticovary]

DP is a self-employed cab driver. He earns around 1200 per month for around 50 hours a week.

I work 20 hours a week and earn around 600 per month. I have been looking for a full-time job, but to no avail. A part time job is better than no job, I say.

Dp and I are childless, and have lived together for coming up to three years now. We both pay half to all househouse bills which adds up to 700, so 350 each.

As I also have to pay 100 for travel expenses to/from work and other little costs, I am left with next to nothing.

As I really struggle each month, I suggested to dp that it would be fairer if I paid 50 per month, and therefore he paid 50 more. Especially as each month I would say he spends at least 50 on his hobby, 30 on going out for drinks and he buys himself clothes whenever he wishes.

Last month, for three weeks, I was walking with holes the size of fifty pence pieces in my shoes because I couldn't afford new ones til I got paid, and the coat I wear is ten years old and rather threadbear.

Granted, he does take me for weekends away, and for meals out a few times a week, so AIBU and just an ungrateful piece of work?

I would leave my DH if he had money to spend on hobbies and weekends away and was prepared to see me with a threadbare 10 year old coat, and shoes with holes in. Our money just goes into one account and pays for everything, but he would do without things if I needed something basic like a coat - there is not a doubt in my mind. We would both do that for each other.

I can't understand the meals out 3 times a week and weekends away if you don't have basic items. Sounds to me like your DP's only generous if he gets something out of it- that's not being generous.

Yeah, op has so much more time on her hands, on her 4 hours on public transport per day to and from her part time job because her dp is refusing to move closer to her job. Maybe she could clean the train/bus while she is at it?

quintessentially why on earth would her partner move from a location which is convenient for his full time,long hours, reasonably well paid, established job which requires a skill so OP can be nearer to her low paid, unskilled, part -time job?

I don't believe that OP can't find a similar job nearer home. A 4 hour commute to 4 hours of work is insane unless one is very highly paid for that 4 hours work.

Do not have children with him

I am married to a demanding man and he bloody LOVES it when I have to come crawling to him for cash, but even he would not see me walking round with holes in my shoes!

Trust me, it gets ten times harder when you've got children with them as you're linked for life then.

Thanks for all your replies again. I felt awful last night after all the flamings on here that i had even asked dp if i can pay less. We have compromised by agreeing to choose somewhere cheaper to live.

we live just as a married couple would. Have the same commitment to each other as a married couple, just don't feel we need to spend hundreds of pounds on a wedding to prove that, so why shouldn't we do things same as a married couple would?

As for the ttc, its on hold at the moment because of health issues, but i am sure we wouldn't be the most irresponsible people to bring a child into this world in our situation. People are much worse off than us and still have babies like there is no tomorrow.

I have done lots of training. Local adult learning courses, learn direct etc, but i can't make jobs magically appear if there aren't any. My current job is a specifically skilled one and the places where i can use this skill are very few and far between, and no I can't do cleaning jobs because i work shifts and no cleaning job will fit in with my current hours. HTH.

Could the compromise be to move slightly closer to your work also?

Surely it can't be that skilled if they only need you for four hours a day at not much over min wage?

You did indicate previously that you were lacking skills and qualifications and this was a barrier to employment . Evidently I've misunderstood.

I think she meant she was lacking skills necessary for well paid and full time employment, which it is not too late to get!

The problem with having a baby is not that you are not well off, but that you have a partner who only wants to pay for just what HE needs, and save the rest FOR HIMSELF. Who is going to pay for the cost of baby?

He is letting you do all the chores as opposed to paying for a cleaner, or chipping in more for rent in recognition of all you do. Who do you think will pay for the baby, and care for the baby? You will.

Happy - its a skilled job but in my particular workplace they only offer part time hours. In other places there are full time positions that i would love but we are talking moving to a completely new place. I would like to do that to better myself but dp will not.

Hello Quintessentially, dp won't compromise on the town we live unfortunately. He is so stubborn!

You cant have a 4 hour commute.

Can you suggest to him that you dont pay anything towards bill and rent etc while you look for work, or retrain to find work, in the town you live?

I don't think will ever move closer to my work, quintessentially. That's one i think i will have to admit i am going to lose. At least we won't have as much rent to pay. That makes me very happy!

Because no woman could ever find a full time job.

I would have thought part time working a luxury if you could afford it or had a rich willing partner.

Your problems could be solved next month OP if you got more paid work. You seem so negative - you say you can't get a better job, can't find new work, can't afford to live, buy a coat or shoes, your partner is mean, you can't retrain or do an evening course, etc.. Its a bit unbelievable, because other people manage to do all this and more.

Its fine if you really don't want to, but I don't have much sympathy with your moaning. There is something lacking respect in an grown adult woman who cannot afford her own shoes or coat. And gosh you have enveigled yourself into the life of a man and clean for him, and think this entitles you to a free ride. Maybe the luxury of part time working is one you cannot afford?

I would be embarrassed to admit that I couldn't afford shoes or a coat, and do something about it myself. If this man is so allegedly controlling, why on earth are you still with him or contemplating having a family with him? Is it because it is your aim to work as little in life as you can get away with and he is the best you think you can find?

And if its a 4 hour commute but a 10 hour drive, can't you cycle? Or have you contemplated buying yourself a car? I did that, its amazingly convenient for getting yourself to your work when you don't want to cycle!

How, when i am struggling with money do i afford a car chelsy? And when it takes 2 hours each way on a bus, you're telling me to cycle? Get real!

And its a 10 min car ride to dp s work from our house but a 2 hour bus journey to my work from home.

I think the OP meant it's a 4 hour commute to her work, but a 10 minute drive to her DP's work. OP have you considered care work? It isn't area specific and you could get lots of shifts and overtime. Also most places have mandatory training and some fund qualifications.

You are not married, have no DC - why should he subsidise you?

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I've out earned DH for a few years now and would never dream of asking for an equal contribution. As it happens, DH out earned me when we were students and he was pretty much paying for everything for a while. Equally, he put in a lot more money into our joint savings than I have (his money from before we met).

Partners supporting each other financially - it comes and goes in phases. You never know when you will have to support him.

How did you afford it before when you had to pay for your every need? You have said the commute was already there.

We may all want the perfect job but if I couldn't afford a new coat as only worked four hours a day I'd take pretty much any full time job on offer. You can always switch to another job later if something better comes up. I can't imagine there are many jobs that you need to travel two hours too bar offshore etc.

You are an adult, stop relying on somebody else and make the changes you need too. You need a sound structure in place before having children and four hour shifts with a two hour commute will be expensive on childcare.

So have you considered getting free, professional careers advice?

How, when i am struggling with money do i afford a car chelsy? And when it takes 2 hours each way on a bus, you're telling me to cycle? Get real!

Well I'm guessing the way other people do - by getting a full time job and paying for it. You would think it was some impossible, unattainable task the way you describe it. Because no woman ever got a job and bought her own car.

The poor bloke's just going to have to give you more money, isn't he? Because you're going to keep on at him with they poor little me act until he gives in for a quiet life. Its much easier than retraining or finding a better job or more hours.

And cleaning or bar or hotel work or shop work have to done in very precise hours, of course they do, just like you suggest. A 4 hour per day job with the strangely long commute.

You know something OP? I don't believe your excuses.

Basgetti, i have always fancied care work. I would love to maybe go to night school to get a care qualification too. Do you k its worth sending my c v to some care homes so they can contact me if anything suitable comes up?

"The poor bloke's just going to have to give you more money, isn't he? Because you're going to keep on at him with they poor little me act until he gives in for a quiet life. Its much easier than retraining or finding a better job or more hours."

Or until she gets pregnant and states the commute and hours aren't suitable with a baby

I'd not be proud if this was my daughter who thought working just twenty hours and finding somebody else to subsidise her was the answer to life.

What swings it for me is the fact that the OP does all the housework. To me, that says that the DP is happy to see their relationship as a shared enterprise when it suits him, but not when it doesn't.

He has more money - she has more time. She is using her extra time to do something that benefits them jointly - i.e. the housework. He is not doing the same with the extra money that he has. Yes, he's taking her for treats and buying her shoes when it suits him, but I'm talking about everyday money, just like her housework contribution is an everyday chore. You can say that the OP is taking the unwarranted "luxury" of working part-time, but her DP is also in the very luxurious position of having a free housekeeper.

OP, certainly by training and widening your search and doing the various things suggested, you may improve your chances of getting more work, and therefore more money, and that would solve your financial problems. But I don't think your problems here are only financial.