To think I shouldn't be paying all this out?

[thepolymysticovary]

DP is a self-employed cab driver. He earns around 1200 per month for around 50 hours a week.

I work 20 hours a week and earn around 600 per month. I have been looking for a full-time job, but to no avail. A part time job is better than no job, I say.

Dp and I are childless, and have lived together for coming up to three years now. We both pay half to all househouse bills which adds up to 700, so 350 each.

As I also have to pay 100 for travel expenses to/from work and other little costs, I am left with next to nothing.

As I really struggle each month, I suggested to dp that it would be fairer if I paid 50 per month, and therefore he paid 50 more. Especially as each month I would say he spends at least 50 on his hobby, 30 on going out for drinks and he buys himself clothes whenever he wishes.

Last month, for three weeks, I was walking with holes the size of fifty pence pieces in my shoes because I couldn't afford new ones til I got paid, and the coat I wear is ten years old and rather threadbear.

Granted, he does take me for weekends away, and for meals out a few times a week, so AIBU and just an ungrateful piece of work?

You don't have to move to where he wants to, you don't have to sign a tendency agreement. You're perfectly entitled to a say as much as he is. Why not tell him no, you can't afford it? Instead of just going along with whatever he wants.

If you got a full time job would you still be doing all the housework? He refuses? Well tough, just do your stuff then.

He sounds like a bit of a twat and you could do with sticking up for yourself.

I can't imagine what you're doing persevering with a long commute, part time work and a selfish partner. Unless you enjoy having no control or are so dependent on him you can't cope on your own you'd be better off moving and living within your means.

He doesn't sound much of a catch to me in that he won't give you space for decision making or pill his weight at home but you don't have to put up with that. I don't see why he should subsidise you though since you don't seem to be making any effort to up skill, focus your job search or increase your employability.

I can see the OP in a few years moaning about her DP not financially contributing toward their children, leaving her with all the housework and still earning a low wage because she isn't willing to study or train for anything better.

Your partner might be a selfish man, but by not acting to improve your employment prospects you are deciding to be a future victim.

You do have a choice you know OP, just because he wants to do a certain thing doesn't mean you have to agree with it.

The OP isn't happy with the financial situation as it is, yet she's TTC with this guy. With no discussion about finances and how they'll work once a baby comes along, much the same as before she moved in with him.

If this was a woman posting that her partner worked 20 hours while she worked 50 and he expected her to cough up more money, every other reply would be screaming that he's a cocklodger.

He bought her some shoes and he takes her out and treats her but that makes him a controlling twat.

The OP says she managed quite well without him financially. I agree she should leave him.

But I also don't see why anyone should subsidise another person who appears to be making little to no effort to improve their own situation and is in fact going to make it 10 times worse for herself by having a baby with this guy.

The mere fact that she's TTC with him whist feeling so clearly resentful about the financial set up shows there's a serious flaw in the thought process.

But OP, the current system is fairer than your proposal as he's working two and half times as many hours as you. So it stands to reason that he has more disposable income as he's earned it.
I'm confused as to why just being in a partnership should mean that one partner automatically subsidies the other (not taking children into account).
If you are unhappy with your disposable income, do something about it.
I'm guessing that your living costs are already lower as you are sharing them.
YABVU.

OPs partner sounds fine to me.
He works two and half times more and subsequently OP does the house work.
Housework plus 20 hours doesn't make it equal, unless you live in a mansion.
He treats OP to weekends away and frequent meals out and regularly buys her gifts, including things she needs like shoes.

I haven't seen anything on her that makes him out to be a "twat" or an "arse".

OP, you have implied that your job hunt is restricted to newspapers. You need to do more.
You also mentioned that your commute is 4 hours a day everyday for a 4 hour a day PT job - this is ridiculous. As is spending £100 a month on travel costs.
Get yourself a better job in a better location. And take some responsibility.

And I agree with other posters - you didn't think things through before sharing a household and you're thinking of having a child together? While you remain unskilled, unemployable and dependent? You sound completely Irresponsible.

So no one on a minimum wage job should have a child? As plenty of them remain unskilled and often have periods of unemployment due to zero contracts and unexpected work placement endings such as redundancy?

I didn't realise we were living in such a right wing society.

Yes op should do more than looking in newspapers for jobs but it isn't so easy to suddenly become qualified in something - costs for one reason. And if you have missed it graduates and highly skilled people (I appreciate it's two different things) are amongst the highest numbers of the unemployed at the moment.

I can't believe the op is getting such a rough time of things.

Getting literacy /numeracy/IT qualifications is usually at minimal cost. A good few other jobs provide training.

It's the combination of factors that make the OP irresponsible in my view- part time, no job search focus, acceptance of being unskilled and unqualified with no suggestion that she's explored how to change things, not exploring finances properly with her partner.

Plenty of people with limited incomes have families but they're generally more proactive about controlling their overall situation and roles within their families.

OP, you have to sort out your employment. A 4 hour commute to a job which is 4 hours per day is insane. You haven't said what your job is but I'm assuming it's relatively low paid and possibly not requiring special skills or qualifications apart from commitment, which you certainly have. I'm struggling to imagine what type of work of this nature is required to be done 2 hours from where you live but not 30 minutes from where you live. Doesn't everywhere need cleaners/supermarkets?

You have a huge advantage over other job-seekers-you're in a job already and you've been in that job for a while. Horribly unfair on those who are unemployed but most employers will look more favourably on someone like you with a good track record wanting to move than an unemployed person.

I have been in this job for so long, I am scared and where would you find a full time job? I look in the papers, there just aren't any for someone unskilled and unqualified like I am

It's not like she's taking any responsibility for bettering her position by sitting in the same job for "so long" and not trying to retrain. A very different position to unemployed / highly skilled people who are struggling to find work in a recession.

Frankly TTC in this position with a partner who isn't contributing is just plain irresponsible.

No one is suggesting that fairylea. It's also not the point that's many posters are making. I think people suggesting having a child in these circumstances where OP is unhappy, dissatisfied and not managing well with her finances and relationship is not a good idea.

OP have you considered getting some free advice from the National Careers Service in your area? You really do need to do more than look in the paper and perhaps some focused careers intervention would help you.

I think OP has had an unfair time here.

Me and my partner have no kids, it doesn't mean we don't both pay what we think is equal in proportion to our pay packets.

When I first got with DP he earned more than me, so we worked it out proportionately so we both had free spends, instead of one of us having loads of money left.

Now it's the opposite way round so we worked out our finances again.

I thought that was normal. DP doesn't to see me without money, I don't want to see him without either.

I was just responding to your comments, steff. Other posters have done the same; and I, and others, have responded to comments by other posters too. It's having a discussion, not being 'singled out'.

Bell, I think you're spot on. I think pro rata is much fairer than 50/50 when the two people have different incomes. Surely part of having a partner (married or not, kids or not) is to support them and for them to support you?

Exactly only

I had a twunt of an ex who had loads of money but would happily see me having to walk miles to see him because I didn't have bus fair, or him getting himself lovely clothes whilst I was wearing crap. It was horrible! I don't know if it just didn't occur to him or not, but if the roles were reversed I could have never done that. I was working 60hr weeks at the time too!

As you are neither married nor have children I think 50/50 is fair if you working part time is a choice you have made, if you choose not to work full time why should he have less money.

However, if for some reason you can't work full time (I'm thinking a disability of some kind) or you have been made redundant or can't get a full time job despite still trying (as in your situation) then I think it's fair to support your partner and for that reason he should be paying a greater share.

Why does it matter if they're married? Some people don't believe in marriage. Some people have better and longer relationships than those who are married. I hate the 'if youre not married' line. As though having a ring on your finger means you have a right to be treated better no thanks

The OP has stated several times that she cannot find either another part time job, or a full time job but that she is continuing to look. So please stop telling her to do this.

She has also said that she has a long commute, and seeing that she does all the housework thst doesnt leave much time or energy to devote to job hunting.

Fundamentally you are in an unequal relationship. Lets imagine for a moment that you got a job in another city, full time, paying the same as your dps job. Would he move halfway between the 2 places then? Would he start doing half of the housework? I have to confess i doubt he would. But if you think he would then by all means stay.

So, my tuppenceworth is this. I think you should leave him, and live frugally and independantly again, whilst you look into training programs, and work out what it is you want to do with your life. This will hopefully prevent this situation happening again.

It matters if they are married as if they were the OP would have legal rights to his assets should they split. If she had his child, he could put his name on the birth certificate. If he died she would have rights to his estate, if there is no will.

I'd say the marriage issue is very important. If they choose not to then they both need to consider their legal position. Especially if TTC.

chipped that would matter after, now they should have an equal relationship and equal finances regardless of marital status. It's a choice they could both make that isn't restricted or enforced by a marriage certificate.

Say they got married tomorrow, suddenly their finances are proportionate? Why? Surely it should happen before - when you chose to spend your life with someone

Oh and if you want to stay, you need to dtart looking for jobs in other places. Theres never anything in the papers. Can you sign up to job agencies? Have you been round local pubs and restaurants to see if they need anyone? Are you using your network? Is your dp using his?

If they are TTC it matters now.

Whereabouts in the north west are you op? I am also in the north west, when my dp moved in with me i was a single parent claiming benefits, when my benefits where stopped i had a choice, live off my partners wage and my tax credits, or go and earn my own money.

There is no way in hell i was going to live off his wage, having to ask him whenever i needed a couple of quid, so i started applying for every single job i saw advertised on all the jobs websites (indeed.com is very good) and within a week i had an interview and job offer - and i had been unemployed for 7 years.

Anyway, my point is, if you want to make extra money you can. What about doing cleaning? All you need is a couple of people willing to trust you in their home and then you get more jobs through word of mouth. If you want to make more money then get out there and make it - you don't have any children to think of so could do night shifts or whatever if you wanted.

Also, how much do you spend on food?