To think I shouldn't be paying all this out?

[thepolymysticovary]

DP is a self-employed cab driver. He earns around 1200 per month for around 50 hours a week.

I work 20 hours a week and earn around 600 per month. I have been looking for a full-time job, but to no avail. A part time job is better than no job, I say.

Dp and I are childless, and have lived together for coming up to three years now. We both pay half to all househouse bills which adds up to 700, so 350 each.

As I also have to pay 100 for travel expenses to/from work and other little costs, I am left with next to nothing.

As I really struggle each month, I suggested to dp that it would be fairer if I paid 50 per month, and therefore he paid 50 more. Especially as each month I would say he spends at least 50 on his hobby, 30 on going out for drinks and he buys himself clothes whenever he wishes.

Last month, for three weeks, I was walking with holes the size of fifty pence pieces in my shoes because I couldn't afford new ones til I got paid, and the coat I wear is ten years old and rather threadbear.

Granted, he does take me for weekends away, and for meals out a few times a week, so AIBU and just an ungrateful piece of work?

Ok, I got to go now. Thanks for your replies. Much appreciated.

I will concentrate on getting a new job and continue paying 50% with dp. I do love him, except sometimes he's an arse, but then everyone has potential to be an arse, don't they?

Also if he is working 50 hours per week taxi driving, I am not sure that adding 10 hours per week of commuting time to that is a great idea.

I may have misread, I thought she was saying it's two hours each way by train, but would only be ten minutes by car. I've never taken public transportation anywhere, and I know it can take longer.

Yes Steff she did. As per my earlier post I suggested she move out to accommodation she can afford.

I wonder how DP will feel about picking up 100% of the bills if she leaves?

Equality in a relationship isn't always about 50/50.

It's about a mutually beneficial and fair allocation of resources, time, money etc.

In this case it's not equitable because neither actually share the same lifestyle. He also gets to play Mr Bountiful - expecting gratitude for "treats". How demeaning....

OP - you are responsible for allowing this situation to exist but you don't have to let it continue. Leave and move nearer to work.

Personally I'd run for the hills from this twat.

" He has halved his costs, gets all his housework and washing done, has company when he fancies going out, and has sex on tap."

And from his point of view it could read "she has gained a better house for the same money, doesn't have to cook often, holidays away and sex on tap".

From the OPs other posts she is trying to get pregnant so suspect it will all be mute anyway. The poor bloke will likely end up paying it all anyway and the OP will get her own way and won't pay anything like 50/50 into the household.

If the OP truly wanted to up her earnings, she could have found something within three years. Far easier to blame it all on him.

How about DP taking you to work and picking you up around paying customers.

That way you are still paying 50% of the bills, but saving £100 on the commute.

Well if you aren't prepared to try to change the situation, then it won't change, tell him what you can afford and where you're able to live, if he wants to live in a more expensive property in a different area you don't have to just agree to keep him happy.

If you sign a tenancy for a house you can't afford in an area that doesn't suit your work, accept this life of poverty is one you are actively choosing, this is something you are doing to yourself, not him to you. You are making yourself a victim. Stop it, or at least stop pretending it's all him being controlling.

You said you wouldn't leave him, would he leave you? If you refused to sign a tenancy for a house that didn't suit budget or location, would he, given a straight choice of smaller property in your choice of town with you, or bigger property in town of his choosing, would you lose out to the property? Would he dump you if you refused to live where he wants?

If so, you'd be better off alone.

(And it's not "current situation or single" choice, it could be "living apart but dating, staying with each other weekly until we're in a position to live together" option)

No Steff - she said he only has a 10 minute commute himself at the moment. I was assuming therefore that she was proposing a midway point and that he is working around 10 hours per day 5 days a week. May not be quite this set up.

Public transport is dire but not quite that bad I think!

Sorry OP but he sounds like a selfish arse. You move further away from work into more expensive accommodation because HE wants it. You both have to move but it has to be close to HIS work. Can you tell me what exactly he has sacrificed for this relationship? It sounds like he's doing very nicely out of it. Half the bills paid and a skivvy at home. All he has to do is throw a few treats your way and you should be a good grateful little girl. FFS.

When I first left home I had no money or job. I was lucky that a friend lent me a deposit for the dive I moved into. I started as a cleaner in a nursing home and that helped me get a job as a health care assistant ( minimum wage) then into a hospital. Once you get experience as a carer you then join an agency to earn extra money when needed. I know it's not everyone's cup if tea but might be worth considering. I don't know what it's like where you live, as I live in N.I., but I could work 24 hrs a day in the agency. Good luck OP and I really hope things work out for you.

You won't find a job by looking in the papers and remaining unskilled OP. That simply Isnt enough effort in looking for a job.

OP didn't move further from work due to boyfriend, she says she has had this job for a long time and knew the commute when she took it. Nobody forced her to move in either, she could have stayed in her flat or invited him to live their. Her costs are pretty much the same alone or with him. I doubt there are many places to rent where food and bills on top amount to £350.

Tell you what, as you are due to move anyway, move closer to your work, without him. Life will pick up, I am sure.

He sounds controlling. It sounds like you have NO say. It does not sound like a loving partnership at all. He does nice things, like take you out to restaurants and places HE wants to go, because he wont go alone, you are just company for him. He pays, he decides, you come with. Not really great.

doesn't sound to me like you're very happy.

Surely you can buy a coat if you have £150 left over after bills?

A loving partner does not sit there with money in their pocket while their partner wears leaking shoes and a shabby coat. I would tell him you simply cannot afford 50/50 and will have to move back to your town alone

I think maybe your best option would be to move out on your own again, closer to your work.

Your don't necessarily need to break up with him but it sounds like you guys are not in the same place in the relationship for living together.

Wow there are some really nasty and ignorant replies on this thread. FGS Is it really news to people that full time jobs are hard to find? YANBU OP.

OP, never post on AIBU on a Friday or Saturday. The wine comes out along with the claws!

He earns twice what you do, you are looking for FT work and cant get any at the mo (tell me about it, in my area in the Midlands jobs that are not 0 hours contract NMW dont exist!) and he would happily see you in down-at-heel shoes and a knackered coat. He refuses point blank to do any housework but will "treat" you when he sees fit.

Get rid. The man is a maggot.

As for calling the OP a cocklodger....fannylodger?! Words fail me.

You should be fucking ashamed of yourselves. I hope the Pinot is going down well ladies.

Surely you can buy a coat if you have £150 left over after bills?

A month. £150 a MONTH. That works out at £34.60 a week.

After her share of the food bill and her personal bits and bobs (including sanpro etc) wtf is she left with?

Yeah, what a scrounging bitch! It isnt that she could manage on £150 a month, she did that before, its that she is living with a man who would cheerfully spunk his spare £££ on shite and see his Dear Partner in threadbare clothes and holey shoes rather than pay and extra £50 a month alongside expecting her to do all of the housework. If she charged him the going rate for his share of that alone, she would be quids in!

Do you not see that she is being treated like shit?

I would only be doing all the housework in a household where the other people were putting more of something else in the situation.

I certainly would never want to have a relationship with a man who refused to do the housework, but particularly in this case, where the expenses are split 50/50 but the housework isn't

its that she is living with a man who would cheerfully spunk his spare £££ on shite and see his Dear Partner in threadbare clothes and holey shoes

Did you not see that her bought her shoes?

OP if you are still reading please look long and hard at your relationship. He is not treating you well. And please don't consider having DC with this man unless he changes.

I really can't understand why couples don't treat all income and basic expenditure and shared and then have an equal split of disposable income.

By saying that whoever gets paid more gets to spend more means that you don't value each other equally and accept that salaries set by market forces accurately reflect you worth to society and the relationship.

When my DH earnt £55pw on his apprenticeship, I didn't accept his company's valuation if him, he was equal to me no matter what he earnt.

Those of you who can't see that don't have equal relationships.

Well said Joysmum. My DH earned many times what I did when we first lived together and it was his suggestion that he paid more of the bills in proportion to our incomes. Times and fortunes change and now I earn more while his income is a lot lower. We are the same people. I'm happy to pay more now. We are a team.

So people who have a different opinion must be drinking lots of wine . That doesn't fit as I am tee total

For me it's the double standards. If this was a man posting, he would be ripped to shreds and told in no uncertain terms to pull his weight or the female would be told to kick him out. However when it's a women it's completely different just because of her sex.

The OP says she managed fine on her own before with the same salary and commute but only now seems to not be able to manage since there's another adult to tap for money. Yes jobs are not as abundant now but the lack of one in three years is not down to the market but the OP.