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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't be paying all this out?

257 replies

thepolymysticovary · 23/05/2014 17:43

DP is a self-employed cab driver. He earns around 1200 per month for around 50 hours a week.

I work 20 hours a week and earn around 600 per month. I have been looking for a full-time job, but to no avail. A part time job is better than no job, I say.

Dp and I are childless, and have lived together for coming up to three years now. We both pay half to all househouse bills which adds up to 700, so 350 each.

As I also have to pay 100 for travel expenses to/from work and other little costs, I am left with next to nothing.

As I really struggle each month, I suggested to dp that it would be fairer if I paid 50 per month, and therefore he paid 50 more. Especially as each month I would say he spends at least 50 on his hobby, 30 on going out for drinks and he buys himself clothes whenever he wishes.

Last month, for three weeks, I was walking with holes the size of fifty pence pieces in my shoes because I couldn't afford new ones til I got paid, and the coat I wear is ten years old and rather threadbear.

Granted, he does take me for weekends away, and for meals out a few times a week, so AIBU and just an ungrateful piece of work?

OP posts:
Cushioney · 24/05/2014 21:49

By time I have got home, done the cleaning and sorted out tea each day, on top of the commute, I feel like I have done a full time job

You don't sort out tea each day as you mentioned you go out to eat several times a week. That saves you from spending any money on food or time spent preparing food

Cushioney · 24/05/2014 21:51

There can't be that much housework, cooking or cleaning as he works long hours and you are both out of the house for long periods. Less meals to cook as you go out several times a week.

Does it really feel like a full time job? Confused

QuintessentiallyQS · 24/05/2014 21:52

If he never picks up after himself, it is more housework for her.

But without kids, and both working outside the home, I also think there cant really be that much.

Cushioney · 24/05/2014 22:09

Even if he never picks up after himself, he is still out of the house for 50 hours a week so most of the time the house must stay fairly clean. Strange

bringbacksideburns · 24/05/2014 22:15

Fucking hell. Did no one read what she put on the last page?

You are all right, i should get myself a better paid job and not rely on Dp, starting from today. I used to be independent, and rely only on myself and i am a bright person really. I have always fancied going to an evening class training as a chef or in care work. I always thought myself too old though. Maybe now is the time for change. I do love dp, despite his flaws, and we all have them, he is great, but i need to know that for whatever reason he wasn't around i would be able to financially provide for myself. Today is the day for change.

I think the kicking can ease off now.

bringbacksideburns · 24/05/2014 22:17

It's refreshing that she hasn't thrown her toys out of the pram like many do on AIBU when they get harsh responses.

She's took it on board, has listened and wants to change.
Good luck with the jobs OP.

Cushioney · 24/05/2014 22:18

Take it easy bring

The majority of posters are not kicking

Maybe she should post in relationships for further support

Hamuketsu · 24/05/2014 22:57

Hmm - yes, to be fair, when I've been talking about housework I admit I've seeing it from the POV of a two-child family with two adults working at home. It's been so long since I was in a house without kids with the adults working OTH that I can't remember how much housework was involved Blush.

I think the principle is the same, though. He is living with the finances of a single working man (gifts/treats excepted), but the benefits of having the OP to do housework for him. If I was a single working person and had someone in to do the housework for me, I would pay him or her. I know it's the OP's living space as well, but she's picking up his grufty boxers and cleaning the loo after him. I still think that if at all possible, getting a full-time job and reconsidering the relationship would be best, because I can't see the situation improving if they had children, even if the OP was working full-time. IME, the issues that are annoyances in a relationship before having children become huge issues after children are born.

naty1 · 24/05/2014 23:05

Also with 4hrs work 5 days a week with 2 hr commute makes about 30 hr altogether not too far off full time (if say you work from home)

Mim78 · 24/05/2014 23:07

If you do all the housework he should pay more.

LaydeeC · 24/05/2014 23:13

I may be missing the point here as it is late and I've had a couple of glasses of wine but...

Why shouldn't this man do 50/50 of the housework? I have read on a few posts that it seems to be fair that as the OP 'only' works 20 hours per week she is expected to do all the housework. Shit, one poster said that unless she lives in a mansion, all the housework and her 20 hour p/w job doesn't equate to his 50 hour per week job.

But he doesn't contribute more than half to the household budget. He works longer hours and spends everything other than half the household costs on himself (bar a few meals).

Why should the op 'subsidise' her partner's housework by doing it all when she is contributing the same amount to the household budget. He's not subsidising her is he? I wouldn't care less if he worked more hours than me. I would certainly not be doing more than half the housework.

50/50 means 50/50 not just when it benefits him

ChelsyHandy · 24/05/2014 23:34

Well for one thing it sounds like he would be quite happy without having the housework done for him!

Seriously wondering how much housework needs to be done for two people anyway.

QuintessentiallyQS · 25/05/2014 00:01

2 hour commute each way, that's 8 hours out of the home 5 days per week ....

Bogeyface · 25/05/2014 04:22

I think Laydee is right.

Housework v WOHM work only works (sorry) if the person who is WOHM contributes more in other ways, but he doesnt. He is working for him, he is getting the benefit. The OP is working for them as a couple when she does the housework and they both get the benefit, so where is the payoff for her?

It seems to me that its ok to demand equitable treatment if you have kids but if you havent then tough, suck it up. Childless women can be used and abused too you know!

Well for one thing it sounds like he would be quite happy without having the housework done for him Actually no. From what the OP says, he is happy to have his pants washed, his meals cooked and the hoovering done, but thanks to mummy, he refuses to have any part of it. He would soon notice if the OP stopped doing it, which I think she should.

temporarilyjerry · 25/05/2014 07:59

I think you are being treated unfairly, OP.

You earn less yet are expected to pay 50/50.
You work less yet are expected to do all most of the housework.

Good luck with finding more work.

He has never lived with a woman before. I wonder why! Hmm

Cushioney · 25/05/2014 09:10

He has bought you shoes and treats you to meals of several times a week. He doesn't expect you to contribute to the meals out or pay for the weekends away, the least you can do is the most of the housework until you start to earn more money

scarlettsmummy2 · 25/05/2014 09:22

My husband pays all our bills as I earn half what he does. Effectively it means we both have the same amount of disposable income, but I do tend to buy all the stuff for the kids. Works for us.

Beardlover · 25/05/2014 10:01

I think you need to work out how many hours you cook, clean, Hoover for and then charge him for half the work.

Beardlover · 25/05/2014 10:03

Tell him he needs to employ a cook and cleaner for his part of the work.

Or leave him even if its temporary. Tell him you can't bear carrying such a lazy man.

Beardlover · 25/05/2014 10:04

He is like a child as he wants everything his own way and wants to be waited on hand and foot

QuintessentiallyQS · 25/05/2014 10:04

No, she should not turn herself into an employee.

He cant pay her. What will she charge for next?

If he cant respect her enough to put his dirty underpants in the laundry basket, he wont respect her more if she asks for payment.

If he wants them to contribute equally, then HE needs to contribute equally in the housework department. That should be the starting point. Where they go from there is up to them.

Bogeyface · 25/05/2014 12:24

Cushiony HE wants the lunches out and weekends away and as she cant afford them, he has to pay. Thats not the same as proportional contributions to bills etc, its just him getting the social life he wants.

And are we really saying that she should be grateful that he bought her a pair of shoes that she would have been able to afford herself if he would simply contribute a piddling £50 more a month than her despite earning twice what she does?

I am shocked at this thread I really am.

QuintessentiallyQS · 25/05/2014 12:25

She also has no choice in where they go and where they eat, though.

I doubt she can chose to stay home, either!

Bogeyface · 25/05/2014 12:30

I will never understand why women put up with men like this. Domestically useless, monumentally selfish and think the most perfect woman in the world is his mum.

What is sexy about a man who wants to fuck his mother?

Bogeyface · 25/05/2014 12:31

My MIL is a bitch, but thanks to her chucking H out at 16 he can cook (ish) clean and run a house very well. I would be ashamed if a son of mine turned out like this man.