To think I shouldn't be paying all this out?

[thepolymysticovary]

DP is a self-employed cab driver. He earns around 1200 per month for around 50 hours a week.

I work 20 hours a week and earn around 600 per month. I have been looking for a full-time job, but to no avail. A part time job is better than no job, I say.

Dp and I are childless, and have lived together for coming up to three years now. We both pay half to all househouse bills which adds up to 700, so 350 each.

As I also have to pay 100 for travel expenses to/from work and other little costs, I am left with next to nothing.

As I really struggle each month, I suggested to dp that it would be fairer if I paid 50 per month, and therefore he paid 50 more. Especially as each month I would say he spends at least 50 on his hobby, 30 on going out for drinks and he buys himself clothes whenever he wishes.

Last month, for three weeks, I was walking with holes the size of fifty pence pieces in my shoes because I couldn't afford new ones til I got paid, and the coat I wear is ten years old and rather threadbear.

Granted, he does take me for weekends away, and for meals out a few times a week, so AIBU and just an ungrateful piece of work?

and thanks basgetti and onlylovers too. i appreciate you being nice to me.

I do work 5 days a week and it is a four hour daily commute so by time I am home, it's like I am gone from home as a full time job would do. I absolutely don't want him to pay for everything. I just want a little help. If I was staying at home without a job and he was paying for everything, then fair enough, but I go out and earn an honest living.

So now the man is a controlling arse because he treats his girlfriend to weekends away and meals out, doesn't earn enough money and refuses to live somewhere really cheap?

And the OP, his girlfriend, thinks he is controlling because of all of this.

The man can't do right for doing wrong, can he?

Only on mumsnet.

The man can't do right for doing wrong, can he?

He does absolutely nothing around the house, despite insisting on total equality. He's hardly a saint.

We pay true same %age of what we earn to a joint account.

steff, I don't understand how keeping financial independence is predicated on sharing the bills 50/50?

Because, to my way of thinking, I would want to pay my share, which is half, and I would want him to pay his share. If I paid 20% and he paid 80% because he earned more, then I would be dependent on him, and I wouldn't wanth that. To me it's the most logical solution. I don't suppose you have to understand it, really.

steff, well, the OP's latest post sheds a bit of light on her daily life/hours out of the house.

The man is wrong because he is imposing a lifestyle his partner can't afford by selecting accommodation beyond her means.

If he wants her to pay 50% then that has to be set at her lower budget.

The compromise here is NOT doing what you want at the expense of your partner not being able to buy even semi decent clothing FFS.

Some of you are missing the point entirely.

I do work 5 days a week and it is a four hour daily commute so by time I am home, it's like I am gone from home as a full time job would do.

Why on earth did you move that far away from your job?

I'd go out for meals with him but have egg on toast before I went and ask him for the cash instead.

I think he sounds like a really selfish arse and you'd do much better without him, tbh. I wouldn't even consider marrying a man like that or having children with him.

Thanks Laquitar. He never brings any treats home like flowers or anything and when he does take me out for dinner he always says 'oh, you choose where we eat tonight' but anywhere I say is poo-pooed, then he finally will say 'I fancy the Italian, do you', by which time I have exhausted everywhere else I fancied so the only place to go is his recommendation. Isn't that controlling, just a bit?

Also, we are due to move in two months. It is currently a four hour daily commute for me by public transport, and a ten min commute for him by car, of course, so I suggested moving somewhere nearer to my work, with an equal amount of commute time for both of us. He is refusing, saying he will only live in the town we're in now. That's controlling isn't it?

The man is wrong because he is imposing a lifestyle his partner can't afford by selecting accommodation beyond her means.

But you can't impose your lifestyle on someone without their consent.

The OP could have stayed at her cheaper place, by herself, and had a happier life. Instead she chose to move some place that cost more than she could afford, that is apparently two hours away from her job.

OP, you would be so much better off if you moved back to where you were before.

Op, did something change work wise for you recently? I don't understand why you moved from living on your own, being able to afford all the bills to moving to a different rental property with your DP, where your outgoings are much higher without discussing what you could afford each month- why did you put yourself in this position from moving from something you could afford to something you knew you couldn't, unless you assumed you'd force his hand into paying more than half the bills?

When I first moved in with then DP (now DH), I was earning £17k, he was earning £90k. I told him what I could afford each month in rent/bills and we looked at properties that were double that (so I could afford 50% of everything). He had been renting something much more expensive on his own, but we'd agreed a split of the bills like that, so that was the budget. (In the end, he needed another bedroom for an office so he paid more than 50% of the rent as he was insisting on a more expensive property, but it was clear from the outset what I could afford and if he wanted something bigger/better, he would have to fund the difference).

Unless you lost your job and had to take a lower paid one, or use to work more hours and have dropped down to part time, you must have known what the outgoings would be when you moved in compared to what you earned, it's unfair not to tell him what you could afford until after you'd moved. Why didn't you say at the time "I can't afford that" - giving him the choice then to look at cheaper housing or agree to pay the difference?

I don't suppose you have to understand it, really.
That sounds very patronising.

I don't feel 'dependent' on my DP just because he pays a higher percentage of the bills than I do. Logically, it makes sense to us because he earns more (to my mind it's logical because if you turned the situation round and I earned more, I'd expect to contribute more too). But rather than using logical thinking alone, we think of our relationship as teamwork, both financially and in terms of cooking and housework etc. When one of us is unwell or very busy the other cooks more or does the washing up so the ill person can get an earlier night, etc. There is give and take, rather than just a rigid enforcement of a 50/50 rule.

I didn't Steff, it was the only job available at the time. I went for it because I thought a long commute would be better than being on benefits.

It just doesn't sound as though he views this as a committed partnership with long-term shared aims. Why would he want to change the status quo ? He has halved his costs, gets all his housework and washing done, has company when he fancies going out, and has sex on tap.

Given that you've not had any luck yet with finding another job, you might be better off moving back out , perhaps into a multiple occupancy share nearer your workplace. It's possible that as a low income single person you may be eligible for some form of wtc. Can your current workplace offer you any overtime?

Alternatively you could invoice him for the household services you provide.

Surely the point of having a partner is that you support each other and live like a family (regardless of children or not) otherwise you are just room mates. To me that means both having equal spending money and budgeting together even if one earns more (dh and I have done this both ways round - I've been the much larger earner and now he is while I sahm).

I don't know how he can see you wearing a coat that is dead on its legs and shoes with holes in and feel conscience free about spending money on a hobby. What?!

It's not like you're sitting on your arse expecting him to pay for everything. You work too and are looking for more work. It's not your fault you haven't been successful in securing more.

I am surprised by responses that think you are being unreasonable. I really don't think you are.

He's an arsehole. You'd be better off without him and claiming housing.

He is refusing, saying he will only live in the town we're in now. That's controlling isn't it?

I think so, and I think you should LTB (that's my first LTB!).

As an aside, I can't believe he drives a taxi and won't drive you to and from work.

I don't know, I'm really uncomfortable with the way the OP is putting this. If you asked me to describe my DH, I would talk about his qualities, his interests, what sort of person he was, what made him tick. I wouldn't talk about how much he earned or gave me or how much he paid for me on treats or didn't. The OP only seems to view him one dimensionally, in terms of what she can get out of him.

I just couldn't conceive of not paying my way in life. The OP says she has been with him for 3 years. 3 years and no full time work? Is it impossible for a woman to work full time or something?

I'm finding the OP's tone increasingly manipulative and I get the impression she is trying very, very hard to be victimised.

If its that bad OP, just leave. You don't sound as though you like your partner much anyway, you aren't getting enough out of it and apparently its costing you money and effort, so why not just move out? Whats stopping you? You certainly don't sound in love.

Well jobs are hard to come by and all but you really need to think about your long term financial security, and your current financial independence. He's already supporting you and he's hardly earning riches

He isn't supporting her! If anything she is supporting him by paying 50% of living costs and doing EVERYTHING around the house.

Maybe he is working Steff.

Also if he is working 50 hours per week taxi driving, I am not sure that adding 10 hours per week of commuting time to that is a great idea.

'Surely the point of having a partner is that you support each other and live like a family (regardless of children or not) otherwise you are just room mates.'

Exactly, Fairylea.

Chelsy, the thread focuses on money because it's about this aspect of their relationship, not a general essay on 'My DP: his good qualities and interests'.

I don't suppose you have to understand it, really.
That sounds very patronising.

Perhaps, but I've explained to you how I feel, and I don't appreciate you singling me out as though I'm wrong in my opinion, when other people have said similar things. I don't want to argue, I have my opinion you have yours. We don't have to agree.

As I've said, my husband and I pool our money, and we share chores and childcare. If we were not married, I would be more rigid.

Op, just seen your last message, so tell him when you move, you are only prepared to live in xxx area and only prepared to pay yyyy amount each month as your share of the bills. If he wants to live in a different area, you stop living together and you'll look for somewhere on your own. If he wants a more expensive property than 2x yyyy amount you can afford, he accepts he will have to pay the difference.

He's not going this to you, you are an adult, stop expecting the man to make the decisions then getting upset they don't suit you, only agree to sign contracts for rentals that suit you. Have a grown up, none passive discussion about it. If he won't compromise you don't have to do what he wants, you can go rent somewhere on your own and date him.

Only live with a man if it improves your life compared to being alone.