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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't be paying all this out?

257 replies

thepolymysticovary · 23/05/2014 17:43

DP is a self-employed cab driver. He earns around 1200 per month for around 50 hours a week.

I work 20 hours a week and earn around 600 per month. I have been looking for a full-time job, but to no avail. A part time job is better than no job, I say.

Dp and I are childless, and have lived together for coming up to three years now. We both pay half to all househouse bills which adds up to 700, so 350 each.

As I also have to pay 100 for travel expenses to/from work and other little costs, I am left with next to nothing.

As I really struggle each month, I suggested to dp that it would be fairer if I paid 50 per month, and therefore he paid 50 more. Especially as each month I would say he spends at least 50 on his hobby, 30 on going out for drinks and he buys himself clothes whenever he wishes.

Last month, for three weeks, I was walking with holes the size of fifty pence pieces in my shoes because I couldn't afford new ones til I got paid, and the coat I wear is ten years old and rather threadbear.

Granted, he does take me for weekends away, and for meals out a few times a week, so AIBU and just an ungrateful piece of work?

OP posts:
basgetti · 23/05/2014 18:54

So you swapped managing independently to struggling financially and doing another adult's cooking and cleaning for them. I'd move back out!

HappyMummyOfOne · 23/05/2014 18:56

If we reversed this and the man posted he only worked 20 hours a week and wanted his partner to pay more than 50% of the bills and for all the treats but they disagreed? How many would say leave her? None I would imagine and he would be told to man up and work more.

basgetti · 23/05/2014 18:57

And he wants the comforts of a romantic intimate relationship, with regular sex and his pant washed, but with the financial arrangements of flatmates. Bollocks to that.

CanaryYellow · 23/05/2014 18:57

What's the female version of "cocklodger"?

Original poster
thepolymysticovary · 23/05/2014 18:58

amothersplaceisinthwrong...exactly! And I think he only treats me to these nice things so he can feel he's doing something really nice and I have a reason to be grateful to him if you see what I mean. I feel in that way he is controlling me in a mean kind of way.

OP posts:
Neverknowingly · 23/05/2014 18:59

No, that's not what I think OP. I think you need a good discussion about your "partnership" and priorities. I just don't see the sense in him paying for weekends away and meals out etc when you are struggling financially. If he is not willing to forgo the meals out/weekends away just a little to help you out (£50 per month is not so much) until you can get a better job then I would question the relationship.

With regard to his earnings then if the £1200 is after board/car/petrol etc then it does sound fairly reasonable for a cabbie in the regions depending on what hours he works (ie which time of day) low if all that still has to come out of it though. I'd also bet that he has a little bit of cash that he keeps for himself that you know nothing about that just gets frittered unthinkingly (a Macdonald's here, a trinket there just bought unthinkingly from cash takings) whereas you are not in a position from your job to have excess cash for such incidentals.

OnlyLovers · 23/05/2014 19:00

HappyMummy, it would depend on whether the man was looking for a better paid job, which the OP here is, while working part-time to bring in some money rather than none.

Mary, my DP and I are unmarried and childless and pool resources according to our incomes. I don't think it's that rare. And 'subsidise the lifestyle' makes it sound as though you think the OP's partner pays for her to have weekly manicures and designer clobber, but we're talking here about clothes with holes in.

Original poster
thepolymysticovary · 23/05/2014 19:00

CanaryYellow, that's a bit uncalled for really, wouldn't you say?

I have accepted that I should be paying 50/50 and so will continue to do so and in the meantime continue try to get another job or a full time position. Thank you.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 23/05/2014 19:02

I assume he doesn't force you to eat out or go away with him? Heard everything now, so it's controlling to treat your girlfriend. Words fail me.

If you don't want to pay £350 then move out if you believe you can do it cheaper than that alone.

"What's the female version of "cocklodger"?"

Someone who wants the man to pretty much pay for everything whilst doing none or very little work.

MexicanSpringtime · 23/05/2014 19:03

Why don't you not buy second-hand clothes? I seldom, if ever, buy new clothes, as I buy very good quality clothes second hand. In fact I could afford cheap new shoes but I am too fussy

QuintessentiallyQS · 23/05/2014 19:04

I really think you should reconsider this relationship.

You help him with rent, and you are his cook, cleaner and housekeeper.

What do you get out of this relationship?

He gets to save money, you get nothing.

steff13 · 23/05/2014 19:05

steff, I don't know why not being married or having kids means money should be split 50/50. If they were married and/or had children, do you think it should be divvied up differently?

If they had kids, presumably her "free time" would be used to care for their children. She may only have the ability to work part time, if at all, so it wouldn't be fair to expect her to pay half of everything.

Here, there are legal and financial protections for you if you're married. If I lived with a partner, I would want to keep my financial independence. I'm a generous person, and I would certainly never let my partner go without shoes or something like that, but I would only feel obligated to 50% of the living expenses.

ChelsyHandy · 23/05/2014 19:05

And I think he only treats me to these nice things so he can feel he's doing something really nice and I have a reason to be grateful to him if you see what I mean. I feel in that way he is controlling me in a mean kind of way

Err, don't accept them then?

Controlling? vs. manipulative.

basgetti · 23/05/2014 19:06

HappyMummy, the OP doesn't want him to pay for everything, she wants a difference of £50 so she can afford the basics whilst she is looking for more work. You are so set on your anti benefit/anti SAHM/anti woman agenda that you don't even read the facts before launching your nasty little attacks.

OnlyLovers · 23/05/2014 19:06

wants the man to pretty much pay for everything whilst doing none or very little work.

Seriously, HappyMummy, how dare you? Little or no work? The OP works three days a week, does everything in the house while her DP does bugger all, and is very aware of needing a full-time job and is looking for one.

Original poster
thepolymysticovary · 23/05/2014 19:07

Thanks Quintessentially for sticking up for me. I appreciate it. I do feel like the maid most days.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 23/05/2014 19:08

I look in the papers, there just aren't any for someone unskilled and unqualified like I am

So what are YOU going to do about it? You're not married and you don't have children, there is no reason for you not to train in a new career.

I wouldn't be willing to subsidize another adult either...

Laquitar · 23/05/2014 19:08

I know your question is about your relationship and youdid not ask for budgeting tips but it is crazy imo to eat out several times a week when you cant afford a pair of shoes.
Can i ask how old are you and your dp?

OnlyLovers · 23/05/2014 19:09

steff, I don't understand how keeping financial independence is predicated on sharing the bills 50/50?

I earn less than DP but have my own money and consider myself to have adequate financial independence.

And I feel like I've said this twenty times but, at the moment, the OP only has 'free time' because she is not working as much as she would like to, if she could find another job.

QuintessentiallyQS · 23/05/2014 19:10

If you only work part time, maybe you can find time to go to college and improve your skills? Google to find your local adult education, see if something takes your fancy? Courses are not really that expensive either!

MintyCoolMojito · 23/05/2014 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YellowTulips · 23/05/2014 19:12

I think you have 2 options:

  1. If you can't make ends meet then reduce your outgoings. If that means moving out from living with your partner and into shared accommodations then so be it. He will then pick up all the living costs alone.
  1. You agree a pro rata arrangement that allows you both to maintain your current lifestyle.

Suggest you ask him which he would prefer.

Or preferably decide option 1 for yourself because anyone who would let their partner walk around in holey shoes and a shitty coat when they can afford to help ain't worth jack shit.

AuntieMaggie · 23/05/2014 19:12

After paying 350 for your share of bills and 100 for travel you're left with 150 - what are you spending it on that you can't afford a coat or shoes?

I agree with those that say that you should be paying 50% for bills at this point in your relationship - its not your DPs fault that you're working less and therefore earning less.

steff13 · 23/05/2014 19:13

The OP works three days a week, does everything in the house while her DP does bugger all, and is very aware of needing a full-time job and is looking for one.

To be fair, working three days a week (and fewer than 8 hours per day at that), plus the housework is not THAT much. I work 50 or so hours per week and do half the housework here, and we have three kids to boot. She could take an additional part time job, rather than a full time job.

I still think he should be doing half the housework and she should be paying half the bills.

If your life was better before you moved in with him, perhaps you should consider moving out.

Laquitar · 23/05/2014 19:13

HappyMummy
actually yes treating someone can be cintrolling.